Saturday, January 27, 2024

mad rush days

today is my baby's birthday. 
touch wood so far so good

1. Bought presents for her yesterday with ashwin. wrapped them and wrote a poem on a card for her

2. slept late but woke up early . arranged gifts on bed as a surprise for her when she came out of the washroom. she was surprised and very happy 

3. took her to dance class. arranged for a new uniform for her. then dropped ashwin at paatu class then drove around like a lost sheep for 25 min to find a cake shop. 

4. got the cake, got chocs for drama friends, coffee for me and went back to pick up ashwin 10 min late. 

5. drove to goodman dot on time, set up party- set out chocs too.m as it looked bare with just the cake. 10 friends turned up, wrote happy birthday on the board. We cut and gave out cake. perfect mango cake. 
 all enjoyed took seconds and wiped the cake clean!  Aishu received box of chocs from one friend- - perfect, to give to drama friends! 

6. then on to serangoon Road for machan's kitchen lunch.  ashwin set off home. aishu to drama class. 

7. made various payments. ordered food from house of samosas for dinner. now to buy vegetables. then pick up aishu head home change and head for arengetram

8. then home to have family party for aishu with ice cream cake, naan and rajma masala and house of samosas

woo hoo!   

you'd think.
but here it is at 1.30 am
and I'm in tears

think I'm just really tired. 

I literally took on all the planning and caring for aishu's birthday.
I'm an ace at doing this  
.but he wants sex and I'm not in a mood






Friday, January 26, 2024

mad days diaries

yesterday at 120pm things came to a head. 

I was trying to log on to this super impt meeting online zonal meeting with principals I had a 5 min presentation that I hadn't rehearsed for 

trying to log on

trying to rehearse and realising I was all over the place

get a trzt from akshaya she is very very dizzy 

eka messages same time asking about something 

calm akshaya down
contact her teacher 
try to get a cab
realise Mike is not working 
shift to a room 
realise cab had arrived. 
beg his indulgence
message akshaya 
find lizard in room 
move rooms 

145. 

all that drama in 25 min


Wednesday, January 24, 2024

leaves

Plants, with their leaves, flowers and fruits are among nature's most intricate wonders 

Sunday, January 7, 2024

massacre at Regentville

Signs of the massacre
everywhere 
The fallen stumps scraping the ground
leaving skid marks helter-skelter 
like they were dragged 
against their will,
pleading for their lives
 
They lopped off the tops, 
hacked the limbs, 
so the trees stand bare
barely trees 
now they are shorn 
of branches, leaves, nests 

and a whole third shorter 
so the sun glares,
unlike when it used to peek 
at us from between leaves,
shine its light on us 
like diamonds glittering. 

Now it pours on us 
unfettered, 
liquid gold 
and we burn,
burn,
mourning the shade
we never knew we loved
till it was gone.

fool

everytime I come to India I feel like a fool
and this time was no different 
right at the end
I was excited I got something I had wanted to get for my colleagues 
of course he told me 
1. three times the price 
2. they have this in sg already 

of course he would know it
of course
he knows all
stupid know it all

clouds

my daughter is like a cloud
appearing so fluffy white cute fun safe
but raging with turbulence inside 
the fluffiness a mask
for the tortured soul hiding inside 

queer enough

that was what she said yesterday .she worries she is not queenmr enough
I want to tell her she is enough exactly as she is
no need to be straight enough or queer enough 
she can just be. now this is out in the open can not worry about it so much and just be all the other things she also is

God please be with her and give her strength and energy 
Help us help her the right way

Help saro too there is a lot for her to process

Thank you for Andy. she is over identifying herself with that aspect 

alone in a crowd

I realise how 
I can feel alone in a crowd 
all the world's a stage 
and all men and women but players 
so true

even 400 years ago

I'm at the bird park
and don't want to be with anyone
I'm alone
and just want to be this way



Australia 2023 day 1

saw a red moon upon take off.
absolutely brilliant
then a little higher red clouds . thanks to the moon 

and a little later, clouds below us, we flew level with the moon. so bright white now. 

that was a first, to fly by the full moon, a red moon too

start of flight all excitement. what shows blanket pillow games songs food ooh ooh ooh 

2 hours later all fidgety widgety 
change places for baby to sleep on my lap 
everytime I close my eye the boy wakes me up. aatha I'm scared there's lightening. 

I suppose that must be scary. was too sleepy to register . just made consoling sounds 

end of flight first throw up

another hungry and smelling axe oil

a third says I've passed her my knew pains! 

Good grief

they threw away 10 cups of rice.  heart pain. 

now praying for better health to last the whole trip please 

waiting to take the connecting flight now to hobart and to a farm. 

Best food we had on the trip

home made was best of course but we did eat out and these were the best !

1.briyani House at melbourne 
2. Lord of the fries vegan burgers at flinders station melbourne 
3. waves restaurant at Port campbell
4. falafel bowl and sorell and the hobar airport 
5. pulled vegan philly at melbourne airport 




blue

Blue is the colour in which nature darts,
 the kingfisher that dives from the railing into the river 
 the fairy wren that pops pops out onto the garden from the tree and back again in a flash of blue blue blue 

Blue is the colour of nature at rest and peace 
the sea stretching to the blue horizon 

Blue is the colour in which she darts, 
like the kingfisher and fairy wren,
diving into rivers, popping into gardens 

blue is the colour in which she breathes, 
like the steady rise and fall of seas
heartbeat on shorelines

blue is the colour in which she thinks,
expansive skies carrying dreams in clouds
sparks in midnight stars 

sad

today I am a little sad by three things he did
1. he was drunk and woke me up to have sex.it was ok but I was tired and feel I should have blackmailed him into agreeing to get a dog before I gave in. very silly thoughts but still 

2. he said no dog till we have a house and said he himself has no space st St home and he feels ashamed to invite guests over to our house. I was quite hurt. if he feels so strongly he can I initiate some clean up. but anyway I am resolved to try to clean up as much as I can. at least clear things so surfaces are clear. the least I can do. i do periodically clean. also not nec just my job
but was hurt. 
3. he went off in a huff to a meeting mad I asked him to wait.  understandable I guess. he has his priorities and family is lower on it that it could be but well. 

so now I'm cleaning.  starting with the room

plans plus depressions diaries 4

learning a but about myself 
I eat to escape always known that
these few days I've been eating to escape work 
so i gotta just get down to it
ans that's important because I need to be a present untired unguilty mom rest of the time 

yesterday I just lay with akshaya until she cheered up enough to sleep
she just lay there tears rolling down her cheek one by one as she talked about how she doesn't want to do anything not stay awake not sleep. not go to school just stay there. and i wish I could help her out of this paralysis... its a feeling we all have felt but she doesn't want to hear that. .
so we talked. about being brave taking a day at a time. 
she is torn about drama 
wanta to go and wants not to go
wants to go coz she likes drama it can be fun and the drama classmates make her feel good .. potential friends who welcome her etx 
doesn't want to go cox of scary trainers and she ends at 6 and worried how she'd feel about that
First real week of school with work does start next week after all

God be with her and bless her and give her strength and courage to do what she needs to do
its not a joke that she needs to take things slow for her mental well-being 

she wants to drop history now thinking she should get the textbook and give it a try

I'm happy on one hand she wants to try everything. but worried that just thinking about wanting to try everything overwhelms her 

yesterday at kavins party she wanted shruthi to go back to a room with her but I wanted to talk to shruthi too and then small babies turned up. akshaya just left and I felt like man always everything has to be done her way. 

I was troubled. stayed awhile then went to the room too. she was just sitting encircled by blocks. I asked if she was OK and she said it was too much. she was doing grounding exercises. I sat with her quietly too. then started building with blocks and she too did . calmed us down. then shruthi joined us.latet ashwin and it was fun. and she was back. 

so both times I'm realising how patient I have to be. I could have ruined it if I had yelled at her. we are at a party. just chill. don't monopolise shruthi. 

I'm so glad I didn't. I need to be patient. and wait. and trust. for this I need energy. 

Saturday, January 6, 2024

on my mind

it's raining 
beautiful gentle soft rain here in sg 

Friday, January 5, 2024

escapist

there is so much to do
that I just feel like escaping 
and then I escape and escape continously .
while it piles up and teeters and totters on the brink of collapse when I start finally complete things at the 11th hour and 59th min 59th sec.and then escape again

Wednesday, January 3, 2024

book ends: 23 to 24

Starting from my holidays these are he books I've been reading:

Dec
1. Roman Stories by Jumpa Lahiri. - classy collection of short stories set in Italy. moving slices of life 
2.  Inspector Singh in India Shamini Flint - funny, also sobering to read about Sikh targeting in India   
3. Unsolicited advice for murderers Jesse Ho - too funny for words one of my favourite books ever
4. Frangipani murders Ovidia Yu- okay bit slow

Jan
5. My Mother Pattu Saras Manikam - searing slices of life.  they stay in your mind. Well crafted . master at work. Makes me glad to be Indian in Singapore not Malaysia! 

6. Lucy by the sea . started awhile back but plan to finish it now. slow but familiar. and the jolt of joy at seeing familiar figures like olive kitteride appear suddenly. the power of this book is, it moves so slowly and suddenly an idea will jump up ferocious and horrifying and you can't unsee it ever

7. Liar Liar by Mitch Albom. Young adults book from pov of truth. about wwii. Reading it to vet for suitability for aishu actually. it's ok. not sure she would be ok with it. it's pretty mind blowing. right next to book thief. 

8. Valmiki's women. interesting so far. I am bowled over. to see the stories from the ladies' perspectives, Amanda Neelakantan has woven stories from the little available to create a beautiful tapestry of behind the scenes of fanous character like Manthara and Tataka and Soorpanaga whose name is Meenakshi! 

.Reading is a little like reading Bertha Mason's story in Wide Sargasso Sea. I had to put the book down several times just to take it all in. truth or not is not the point. the what if, is the point here, in these stories that make us question good and evil as we have always thought of, in our myths and stories . 

9. Brian Bilston's Days Like These. A poem a day for 365 days so this will go on for the rest of the year! loving it so far, funny ones aplenty and one really sweet one too. 

By 26 Feb:
10. The siege by Helen.
11. the shell collectors Antony doerrr
12. African Short Stories 
13. our town
14. island of sea women

How do i describe ny February reads? they have been illuminating and devastating 

10. the siege. Such a book. I can't put it down. I want to cry. I wonder how I'd be in a situation so stark so desperate. and it's not a past evil it's a present evil. blocades. destroy the land the food stocks and wait for people to die. 

11. The Shell Collector by Antony Doerr
lyrical collection of short stories, each not so short, each drawing you in to read till the end without drawing breath, about the lives of everyday people in sometimes everyday situations and sometimes not. 

12. The island of sea women- marvellous lyrical book. learnt so much. about hayeno. about Korea in the war, after the war. I feel ashamed I didn't know all this about Korean history other than in passing . am so glad Korea is dominating the world imagination now thru k pop and k drama. if we just let people be they can be so much. the war. shudder. and at the heart of it all.. the friendship between two women... begs the question is there anything unforgivable between friends? 

March reads 

13. Our Town by Thorton Wilder. This is play I'm re -reading , and as we all know, re reading is a different joy onto its own. I feel I better understand and appreciate the play now than i did then. makes me feel like what will I see if I went back to a day to take a peek, knowing I'd never live again, and saw how we lived. wouldn't we too cry that we lived like that, not seeing one another properly, just rushing thru the motions with good love and intentions, but rushing nevertheless. moving. I want to see a production of it. the best part of this play is its everydayness of it. the great turn of events is the not so great fact that people die everyday. really hits home that every day we live we inch one day closer to the end. begs the question so how will we live that day. Will we see one another properly and cherish the time we have? 

14. the trojan war by pat barker . continuation of the silence of the girls. quite wonderful and terrifying. to enter the Greek world of war from the women's pov. see everything again. priam begging for his son's body. the bond between achilles and patrocles. the tearing grief at his death that creates a monster. how many such monsters are we creating now? this story continues and its more about the present than the past. not sure I can read it. too close to heart.

1. Pat Barker's Trojan Woman. This book continues from Silence of the Girls and gives us an insider view if the Trojan war from the ladies' perspective. It's powerful, I almost don't want to read any other versions haha. I enjoyed Silence of the Women more, perhaps because it was my first introduction to this world and these women, and also perhaps because that had more action, whereas this is after the war is won, and they are just waiting.... Great book and I looked forward to reading part 3, about their journey home


March ... has been about short stories for me this time. a genre I don't usually turn to but am finding surprisingly fun. 


15. five love languages of teens- didnt finish

16. Katherine Mansfield short stories. Ms Brill, Garden Party, The Bay..  glimpses into interiority of lives . I liked reading about her a lot too, her move from New Zealand to England, her friendships with Virgina Woolf and DH Lawrence. She sounds like quite a character! 

Reading Kathleen Mansfield’s short stories, written near the end of her short life, makes one feel breathless, truly. There’s a sense of rush and urgency in her writing, to capture the little things, passing feelings, before it’s all gone. Could be me reading into her stories knowing these facts about her, but even if I didn’t, I’d say there was a breathless quality about her writing that I enjoy.

She writes about people at the start of things – a young man proposing to the first and only girl he has loved, a young lady at her first ball, and all the accompanying rise and fall of feelings – these stories are permeated with the knowledge that first times can never last. Her short stories capture the fleeting moment, like Keats’ Ode to a Grecian Urn captures the notion of the lovers reaching out but never touching, in an urn, in a poem, and here, in her stories. They are recognizable feelings.

Then the story of two sisters kept under the watchful rule of the strict father, quite uncertain how to behave or be, now that he is gone. Her writing makes us question who we are when the things we hold on to, or the things we allow to define us, are gone, especially when we may not have had much choice in “allowing” these things to define us in the first place, like a strict father. It’s rather brutal the way, in another story, Ms Brill suddenly realizes how she is perceived by others. Recognising our sheer insignificance, just when we thought ourselves special, it’s like a rug being pulled out from beneath us – that feeling, am sure we must have all felt it at some time, where we thought we mattered only to find out we didn’t. She captures the essence of these things, these fleeting passing emotions, in this collection of short stories. 

My fav story at the moment is the singing lesson. 


17. Ken Liu's sci fi short stories. some too close to home, like where the ai system controls all aspects of our lives and we willingly give up ourselves to ai to do so. 

18. individual short stories 
a. How to talk to Girls at a party.  so funny and surreal. boys think talking to girls is like talking to aliens and they actually talk to aliens. and one of them tries to create a whole new world of aliens thru one kid. 
b. The ultimate safari by nadine gordimer
c. Ms Brill by Katherine Mansfield. 

April reads l

April has given me a dose of unexpected reads... in the field of children's literature! I read books now that I should have ages and ages ago. but better now than never ya! 

19. James and the giant peach by Roald Dahl. can't believe I've never read this.  mighty fun. a rhino ate up the kids parents! they suffered only 35 sec while the kid suffered much longer, orphaned. got to love a beginning like this! and the rest of the story just rolls and rolls, literally. Loved this

20. Iggy's house by Judy Blume. Man oh man blume is indeed a class act. Complex theme- racism, but for grade school kids. she keeps the language simple but not the issues. It's like a prelude to A Raisin in the Sun by Lorraine Hansberry. You can almost see Herbie grow up into the guy in the play.  I literally could not put it down, picked it up as a break and finished it less than an hour. highly recommend if you haven't read it yet. 

21. Stone Gods  by Jeanette Winterson. Bought it 2 years ago I think and finally picked it up one day this month and got thru half the book in one go. So close to home. Peppered with absolutely arresting pieces of writing throughout. Set in the future where we have well and truly burnt up our planet and are on a quest for new spaces to live in, with human like robots making better humans and fellow humans, where ladies arrest aging at 30 and men at 40, and now some everyone is young and fit, nothing excites anyone anymore. Scary, possible, must read. 

May read 

22. Alexa what is there to know about love. so fun to read this again. found new poems to love from this collection 

23. the art of holding space 

24. what you're looking for is in the library 

25. Enigma game. Read this coz I watched this movie about Turing. Read how he cracked the enigma game. then remembered i had this book from ages ago. and I'm in! Follows story of Jamie Beaufort, whom  we first met in another spy book by Elizabeth wein. and a punky heroin called Louisa a bit like maddie from that book. I like her recognisable spunky characters. and her stories about war and flying planes.  but..  my interest wants halfway. the switch in perspectives that worked so well in code name verity is overdone here making it hard to follow. and precisely  because I watched the imitation game and saw the guys there work so hard to crack the code I fins it harder to believe this world where three amateurs crack the code. I may or may not finish it

26. read a tamil story for pleasure gasp ! a short story by Kalki. an atmospheric story about an unnamed stranger who ( I think) quietly and unobtrusively saves the lives of a train full of people. 

27. One part woman by Perumal Murugan. just love the story.  didn't expect to. its like reading a village story we see in movies but better on the page. And that all consuming desire and pressure to have a child... oh! what it leads to, my gosh. very powerful story. now I want to read all his works. This is the translated version I read. I may pick up the Tamil version soon! 

27. started the story of fiction

June book end

28..now reading about shells. love it. but waiting to finish it.

29. where the crawdads sing. loved it. 

30. 4. Short story galore. I read so many fun, quirky, thought provoking indvidual short stories this month, including The Appendix by Yu Hua, Good Advice is Rarer than Rubies by Rushdie, Cell One by Adichie,  Sci fi stories such as "Standard Lonliness Package" by Charles Yu, The Scarlet Ibis by James Hurst and May by Ali Smith. It was quite a ride! 


July
31. aalavan. I think. one of the part 2 to one part woman. love it. but is work to to read it. must have undivided time to do so. perhaps will read over weekends when waiting for kids at classes. enjoying this very much. 

32. Tiger moth journal issue 12. and then all the back issues.  why am I not reading these ! meant for me and my nature loving soul. 

33. started the 100 years of solitude book. magic realism. 

34. Reading the keeper to aishu. what a book. just love it. re read this classic. about forests and football, about father son relationships, ... I have read this so many times and each time I can't put it down. Can be read anytime but most recommended just before during or after world cup season! but that's two years away so suggest a read now and then a re read then! 

35. lieutenant kurosawa's errand boy. 
36. the living world by David Attenborough 


think July reads will be
1. keeper
2  living world
3. aalavan 

also reading 
4. on art
5. ban this book 
6. flowers for algernon

Ban this book by Alan Gratz. wow this is a must read haha. it's a kids book but has a brilliant take on censorship. Best part my youngest recommended it to me! and she got it in her class library! am so happy

Reflections on July reading

This was an interesting month for me, where I read more non-fiction that fiction for once. I found myself absolutely mesmerized by reads which include:

Art by Simon Schama, on the art works of Michael Carvaggio. In this book, Schama made art jump right out of the page and I found myself compulsively searching out the paintings he mentions in his writing. What I enjoyed about it was firstly the size – it’s a handy book advertised as part of the series ‘Great Minds. Big Ideas. Little Books” – absolutely – I want to read many more in this series. Then it has a great introductory essay about “What is Art For” with some gems like “The power of art is the power of unsetting surprise and “its mission, beyond the delivery of beauty, is the disruption of the banal” – hey this applies to Literature too! And the book immersed me in the works and life of a painter so easily, I just slipped out of my world into 16th century Italy every time I opened a page, and came back to mine a little changed.
The Living World by the one and only magnificent David Attenborough. Reading this book is therapy, truly. He makes the whole natural world of past and present flutter and flit past us in vivid colours just through his words, and you can hear his mesmerizing voice as you read it. I enjoyed this even more than watching his shows coz I can slow down, savour, re-read and be more immersed. Plus it has magnificent photographs within. All you can say as you read the book is “Wow”. We are incredibly blessed to be born in this amazing world, and we have to do what we can to protect it.
Ban this book, by Alan Grats. I enjoyed this so much. A children’s book with a brilliant take on censorship. And the best part, my youngest recommended it to me, she got it from her class library! Isn’t it wonderful, how one book in a class library can spread so far! 

Aug
my aug to sep to Oct reads have been challenging for various reasons. so in three months now I only three books to talk about. 

the reason they were challenging was eye opening for me in some ways. 
okay one was a Tamil book. I read half way but haven't finished. I have the English translations tempting me on my shelf but I want to try to finish at least one tamil book.  

the other I had borrowed and was trying to keep pristine. ha. meant I could only read it once in awhile and I discovered I get most of my reading down while eating. 

another reason for my slower reading was well, exams. kids exams and I couldn't read . sigh thought that ended when I was a student
 
anywhere here is what I have for aug to Oct reads 
1. 14 stories
2. like
3. days like these. okay this is by far my favourite.  I've been reading this since January this year, there's a poem a day for every day of the year with a bit of history thrown in. I love it. gave it as gifts to some friends and have been reading this to my daughter almost all year. joy and laughter and some useful general knowledge is what this booms gives us. but most of us is the reassurance that we can just have fun with words. 

35.  Still reading aalavan. gonna give up I think. sigh. 

37. 14 stories what a  experiment. 14 writers 14 stories all interwoven and we wouldn't know who wrote what 

Sep - Oct
38. like by Ali Smith. strange drawing in of mum daughter grandmother.  new family norms. lyrical hypnotic read with some confusing loose ends never tied up, and maybe that is the point? enjoyed it quite a bit. it is very aware of it being fiction, so we have narratives that build up excitement and then unravel in a parallel narrative, making you wonder if this too will crumble. can't believe this is her first work. I have to read more of her work now. I've only read her essays before this, in intimation. 
 

AUG TO NOV
1. Like by Ali Smith. Lyrical compelling writing draws you and pounds you with qn. 
2. 14 days - collaborative writing experiment, fun, and superb twist. One story that stood out to me was a river and a prehistoric fish in it
3. What you're looking for is in the library- such fun, slice of life genre
4. Bird poetry - Swallows a book that called my name in the library 
5. Watership down, again.  My escape my leadership guide 
6. Story of a goat by murugan perumal. So touching and affecting 
7. Trial by silence by perumal murugan

DEC
1. To kill a mockingbird, again
2. Go set a watchman. I caved and started this after finishing tkam.  So tempting to know of scout as a young adult. First bummer though was reading ever so casually that Jem died! A part of me died too. My nick name is inspired by jem! Jem finch. For me Jem Stones. Not sure if i should read on
2. Hitchhikers guide to the universe 
3. A guidebook about Strasbourg Cathedral
4. Days Like these by Brian Bilston. Been reading this all year. 365 poems for 365 days in the year. This was one of our favourite night time reading for me and my eldest. 




39. 9 yard sarees? 

40. 




Sep 
 

 


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