Smaller

Smaller than the smallest speck of sand
We strut
Imagining this universe owes us

She heaves
A wall of water rises
And 230,000 vanish

She shifts her shoulder
A fissure opens
And 10,000 disappear

When will she move again
How will she move us
Alas we are far too tiny to know

I ask

I ask why
I ask why you
I ask why now

I ask is it right for you to go before me
I ask why on earth I sent you there to study
I ask why oh why did I not insist you wear a helmet

I ask now what
I ask how ... do I go on
I ask..
I ask

Wipe away my tears aatha

Have I written about him asking us to wipe away his tears ?
Something we wish we can do always.

Writing frenzy

I have never written this much in a short period of time before
This one month I've been writing and writing almost daily.
I want to continue.
I want to select poems to send to the competition
I want to revise some of what ive written
I want to write those kids stotmries from the beginning of the year.

Guided meditation

Deep breaths
Inner calm
A feeling of being supported in e erythingm
Things may be rocky but I'm rocking in God's hand only

one flew over the cuckoo's nest

I want to write about the movie - where radha is the heroine and shivaji and his wife is the despicable villie - such intresting thoughts I had then!

now I want to pen my thougths abotu one flew over the cukcoo's nest

so ther's a whole of fore-shadowing huh? which you can only appreciate after reading the whole book.
am now re-reading the book immediately after my first re-reading in years - and I can see the bits coming together
like, the story of Ratly or someone - who mouthed off and then got turned into a vegetable
the details about what happens during a shock shop
the suicides that could have been prevented

finally, if the main guy had stayed lobotomised, he would have remained as that ratley fellow, a symbol of how the nurse always wins in the end - his being killed by the Indian - that helped .
though I am not sure how much was won in the long run
the guys he was with, they moved on,
what about the others coming in ? would nurse be changed in anyway
what about whom she represents - the Combine..

Stupid book

Stupid book that makes me cry every time I read it.  I've read it so many many times  and each time I read it again after a while I cry. Now it's on the train. Everyone can see me dabbing my eyes.  Those not glued to their phones anyway and this is what makes a super book.

The outsiders.
I read it first in primary or secondary school. I remember borrowing g it from a library - a school library . Maybe secondary school huh?

Oh my

The heart is heavy. 
Yesterday ashwin said my body is scared! 

I feel... I feel I just give enough of myself to anything anyone. .e erythibg feels half and half
I thought I was a cheerful person akshaya was quick to point out I'm not.

Nights
Some nights I put akshaya and ashwin to bed those nights I miss aishu.  I miss aishu a lot in fact feel like I hardly spend time with her.
Between ashwin and akshaya I feel guilty that I hug and comfort and kiss ashwin a lot more than I do akshaya.  He's round and soft.  She's lean and angular and more prone to lashing out. He sits there cuddly .
But all the more I need to hug her ?

She's the eldest at 6 and really has to give in a lot. This makes me sad
Other 6 year old may be princesses of their universe but mine?

At night the other two cry for milk and then need to be hugged back to sleep.  She's the loner. Would like to be hugged and cuddled too especially as she sleeps but there is only so Much of me to go around .

That's at night.  In the day my day is all consumed  by akshaya!  Her homework piano practice piano homework dance class cycling ...
Where's my time and attention to the other two? Playing with them reading with them games with them. All seems to be not there. It's always about her.

And yet I feel she feels jealous because she needs to eat on he own the other two get fed.

Maybe it's to do with visible forms of physical affection she needs that I'm giving the other two. And more tangible stuff to do I need to do with the other two. 

restless heart

singpowrimoday1: poem featuring 2065

ah! 2065