Sindhu Bhairavi

What a movie . So nuanced. Really don't get movies like this anymore. . Each time I watch it I feel different. I remember subair being disappointed they slept with each other. Such innocence.  Wonder how he feels now that we are older!

An affair with a married man can only end badly for the woman
He is likely to return to his wife
If not she'll be blamed for wrecking the marriage
So sad. Us shunned by society.
So very sad
Such a natural falling in love with each other.  She wanted to go through an abortion all by herself.  Shunned by her own mother
Her reaction to let him go - bit idealistic. I think the other girl rohini acted that part better in marupadiyum.  But she was a bot psycho there not so nuanced a performance as this.
Of the wife had let him go could have ended better for him and the girl
But wife poor thing , really hard situation .

On a other note the movie is quite brilliant in portraying the devastating effect of addiction  and withdrawal. He gets addicted to sindhu first. She becomes his muse. To forget her he takes to another addiction. Alcohol
His wife sees his fall and loves him so much she stands by him and tries to bring him back.
That is a powerful question.  Can you love someone so much to stand by them through addiction? Drugs drinks gambling . They show that love in this movie
Wonderful wonderful.
I agree with aatha that he sivakumar should have got an award too. Brilliant. Years later his son acts the effects of drug withdrawal brilliantly
Very very scary.

Samirs baby sis

She's here! Baby is here. But we are here. She's there. You know what I mean. Why why why. When I have sutha and malaria overseas it didn't feel like this. With subair and yas it's like a hole in my heart.  Now their baby is here but god knows when I'll see her. Probably next year only. It hurts. Really.

Dt

How can I help people ?
Test and prototype
Ask 5 whys to get to the Pain points to address
Ministry must look good with what we do
Change questions to zoom into what you need 

Sexy

Sexy is an attitude
Not just the way we dress or look or walk.
It's  the attitude

Holiday

2nd last day of the hols. We head back to Singapore tomorrow. It takes the ends of holidays to sink in to inspire me to write. Not that my writing is inspirational. It's just my thoughts.

It was a good holiday. Tiring but good.
Saw different sides to my kids. Feel like I will miss them when I get back to work.

We saw wild dolphins.  Twice! First time was on a cruise to see sea lions and we saw both playing and chasing each other. 2nd time was yesterday at the Swan river! Just one. Like it was saying bye to us and come back soon!

For me those were highlights. Dolphins sea lions in the wild.

I saw an underwater observatory. Wow. Saw life under the ocean.

Then saw waves crashing against albanys amazing shoreline. Breathtaking.

For the kids highlights were living on a farm feeding animals jumping on a trampoline feeding ducks outside the tent and bathing in the spa tub. 

Saro. . Just the driving. I think he liked the dolphins but I can't be sure. He's a little grumpy. Feels like a schoolmaster tasked to care for the class on a school trip

My hope my dream my infinite joy

How is it you have three children and marvel at them every day? 
They are so infinitely precious and unknowable somehow
I know they are mine yet i watch them like I can't believe I have the luck, the blessing, to have three precious beings grow up next to me supposedly in my care
My infinite unknowable joys
I love them Terribly.
I feel I don't know them truly
That I will never know them truly
They are mine and yet individuals
Mine and yet never wholly  mine
Not meant to be
Always separate and wonderful
Like I'm looking into a window and watching them grow, smile, cry,  watch joys light up their eyes, fears cloud their expressions
I yearn to hold them knowing they can't be held forever
I watch them and wonder, how will they grow up, what kind of beautiful, unique individuals will they grow to be
They will be my friends I hope
My hopes my loves my dreams my infinite joys
I feel it was the pain of not knowing if I will have kids at all that allows me to look at them like this. 

Always thanking god for the miracle of them. They were always meant to be.  

God blessed us with them by allowing us the privilege of caring for them. 

Such priceless gifts.

God of small things

So the story unfolds in beautiful delicious bits
Vivid real scription of air swirling down from the ceiling fan in a never ending potato peel.

Let me piece together the story.
's
Day1: before Sophie arrives
Stopped by the march. Baby humiliated.
Estha molested and terrified.

Day2:
Sophie arrives
Rahel plays with velutha
Velutha and ammu notice each other
Estha rows jam and thinks two thoughts.
They find the boat and get velutha to fix it up
Ammu dreams of the one handed man
She gets pissed off at all the attention over Margaret and Sophie
She meets him and they make love on the boat and start a romance that lasts for two weeks
That same day chacko sees comrade pillai and finds out that velutha is in the party. Males it clear he's okay with his untouchable caste.
Day 3 to day 14
In the afternoons the kids row and play in the history house.
Day 15
Velutha 's father tells mammachi. 
Mammachi and baby kochamma lock up ammu
Ammu screams unforgivable words at the kids
They row out in the rain to the history house.
Boat overturns
Sophie drowns
Kids go to history house. 
Velutha goes to the house gets scolded
Velutha goes to comrade pillai
Then he goes to the history house.
Sophie washes up.
Baby kochamma makes a police report.
Police go to the history house destroy velutha
That night baby kochamma manipulates kids to lie about velutha.
Next morning funeral. .
Ammu goes to the police station
Velutha dies
Family breaks apart.
Kids have seen brutality.
Mother has known love and betrayal.
Lives are destroyed. Totally. Wreaking havoc on the kids.
Mother turned and left into the black hole left by velutha 's death.  Leaving them alone unmoored in a dangerous world.
Life loved and over by 27 for ammu. By 7 for the kids.

Arabian nights

What classic is this? 
About wanton women left right centre. Sleeping with black slaves. Always black. Always slaves. Suggests things bestial in nature. Such a male oriented story. Ramayana is far better. 

Male fantasies male fears

The story about beating a woman into submission and then she kisses the hand that beats her and stays obedient.

Puke worthy I tell you.

Christian wedding vows also speak of the woman's obedience to the man her lord and master. 

Who decreed man  should be master of woman????????????????????

Having said this today my darling daughter akshaya gave me the best posible answer to a question on my mind. Why did rama desert sita based on a rumour?
She said.  As rama he was human not god.
Just like that. I'm far more at rest with this answer than any other response from anyone else.

Thoughts of a working mum at 1 am

This sounds like I'm thinking about juggling work and family.

Not quite.
Today as I walked to get myself a rushed lunch I felt a million things walking with me.

Work on my mind but I am reluctant to start up the laptop to type.

My essay on frank o hara is on my mind too. I want to do that. 500 word essay. I've actually been waiting a year to do it. I should do it right?
Just lazy to start up the laptop.
Scared work will take over to be honest.
But not  if i don't let it.

I started writing about the love artist yesterday too  gathering my thoughts on what the book was trying to say about ovids lost work.

My friend has offered to look at akshaya 's story!

Hai. See even now so many things on my mind

I want to go visit iyyah. 

I want to take the kids for a writers festival thing on Sunday afternoon .

I need to call the light guy tell him about fan too ask when he's coming.

I need to call Jimmy bug him for carpenters schedule. 

I need to call my parents check when they are arriving.

I need to call sham ask her about her trip and ask her for contacts for the maid

I need to find a new helper.

Okay really helps to write it all down.

I have a story too about the people I meet on bus 43 and their lives I peep into every morning at 7.45 am

The Indian lady reading a tamil novel every morning
What a rarity for me you know
Everyone staring at phones. Me included. And this lady reading tamil books on the bus everyday

The sweet mixed couple who drop off their baby at the bus stop with her mum before going to work. Head resting o  his shoulder. Looking like a dating couple  only for me to find a baby between them!

The father and his son every morning he carrying his backpack holding his hand talking to him as they climb the overhead bridge everyday.  Heading to childcare.

The mum with her toddler in uniform asleep over her shoulders.  Hefting her bag his bag and him and getting off the bus to board another bus all at 7.45 am

The father and his daughter.  She so sweet. Her mum at home with a new baby. Used to see the pregnant mum going to work with toddler ready to drop off at child care.

So many intersecting lives. So many to do with kids. What do they see in me? They don't see that I walk my daughter to school every morning that I walk back to a side gate to say bye again to her and that I walk back to bus stop saying g my morning prayers.
They see me boarding the bus hauling two or more bags fumbling with phone.  Some days working on the laptop on my way to work.

That's the bus I cried about lky on. Tears streaming down.

Lightening

I dunno how it happened but suddenly I feel things can look up
I have a happy option.
Not sure how it will play out!

But lots of hurt within that we need to talk about too. At least he shared that he's feeling clouded. A need to sort out things within. Mutual confusion could be the start to good things.

sick of love songs

listening to all these love songs makes me feel like I've been led on a bloody goose chase all my life - ridiculous songs. meaningless. okay meaningful only for a short burst. after that, nothing'

plus still reeling from the fact that another ideal I had about growing old together may be coming undone
my parents, sham's parents. sham and kannan. and us.
just adults growing old side by side doing our own things. not doing things together. 

worth

Listening to the song Ganapathyae..
kavalaigalai theerkum ...

are my kavalaigal worth theerkaraning? small as I am, I am important to God. he brought us together for a reason. and he loves me. he will protect me, strengthen me, protect me when I am hurting inside, when tears spill from my eyes, when my throat constricts and lips purse up to control my emotions

even my mother noticed that my bubbliness is not there. I love her. she knows me so well.
push comes to shove my mum will support me.

why would he want to care for me. that's what I can't figure. I can't see myself value adding to his life in any way.
I'm wasting my life feeling sorry for myself.
I need to look within for strength and belief not without

I need to believe I am contributing in some ways that I have worth
if  not to him at least to my parents, my children
my friends, my colleagues, my work

should I tell him that I am not feeling valued at all 

Heavy

The heart is heavy but a little less so after talking with sham and sutha

looks like we need to talk. Talk we will.
He's quite perceptive noted I'm more upset after the email than before.

Let's see.

Wrote to him pointing out his taking me and my parents for granted.

2 years ago had an emotional scene with him. Told him I missed him.

He just doesn't see things the way I do and I am mighty tired of being the hand that bothers to clap

Two hands needed to clap. Other sie it's just air. Lots of air from me recently. 

Only thing. If I decide to let go I can't be cheery. That sucks. 

I want us both to be happy cheerful to call each other during the day make effort to connect.
It's so easy to lose connection

It's okay we do other things but stay connected. 

My own war

I'm waging my own war with saro now. I'm freezing him out.
Trying to avoid him. I basically don't want to see him and don't want him to see me until Saturday. 
I want him to not see the kids much either. I want him to.come home everyday to see the kids sleeping.
I'm devious.

He needs to know what it's costing him - his careless commitments. Price he pays is lack of time with us. And if this doesn't cost him that's fine too. That's the difference. For me. I'm okay now of it doesn't matter to him. At least I'm psyching myself to grow to be OK. 

I may just hurt myself most . I need to be careful.
Only problem. I'm fragile. If I feel he is mad at me I will crumble.

He tried calling but I didn't answer
I was in a meeting ..no message from him

He emailed yesterday.
I didn't reply. 

He hugged me. I put his hand away.
Second time I left it. He melted away at some point and I just felt relief.  I felt so glad ashwin was asking me to tell him ramayana. 

Why am.i freezing him out when he's making these attempts to reach out?
In a way I'm just being true to how I feel. I don't feel like responding to him
I'm battling ways of dealing with him and his absences.

I could make light of his absence or make it a big deal.
I don't know what to do.  He could freeze me out. I will accept it. I'd have to. And the marriage ...will crumble.
Sigh.

I'm at  a loss. For now I'm not going to go out of my way to freeze him or welcome him. Just go with flow.

Yesterday i was solicitous. Just that his bloody schedule threw me off. 
Can I vent here?
He's out thurs fri sat sun mon tue wed Fri mon wed
And I bet he'll be out sat and sun too.

And there I was afraid he-ll drop everything coz of me@ ! My usual arrogance! 

Maybe it's that mismatch in my feara and reality that's hurting me and making me cold

Khatam khatam

That's what I thought of yesterday as I hugged my pillayar elephant and he tried too late to hug me

Ghatam Ghatam.
Thanks to rajini in baba.

First day of rest of my life

I have decided to let go
That's big
It's the first time I'm deciding I'm not going to work at the relationship
That I'm not going to bug him for date nights to stay connected

I'm entering a new phase. One that will allow me to let go
It's what I wrote yesterday
I'm in a child rearing partnership
Not a marriage
In this partnership then there are no couple obligations
Only child rearing ones

That will free me from the burden of having to set up dates and fret when there are none.

It won't be easy but it's a start.
I must remember this date so when I look back I don't say I don't know how it happened or when
Navarathiri day 1. Oct 13. 2015.

I'm also mentally preparing myself for us to go on different paths as we grow older.
It's not growing old together as I once hoped for
Its growing side by side
Parralel play sort of

Let's see.

Had fun with aishu

At last 15 min pure play time with baby aishu.   Blessed indeed

Journaling

3 things I'm grateful for today

1. Aye nan! Coz she's making dinner for us.

2. Talked to subair and yas!  For a good 20 min and I distinctly felt yas was happy talking to me.

3. That my sharing at work seemed generally to make sense and flowed with things that came before

Supposed to journal about things I'm grateful for. Supposed to make me feel better.  Now  just listing seeing if I did the 5 things I was to do everyday to be a happier person

1. List three new things  grateful for
2. Journal
3. Random act of kindness  -well I appreciated dawn out of the blue
4. Exercise
5. Meditate

Woo hoo day 1 I did it.! Numbers 4 and 5 likely to be more difficult for me than the rest but if I make am effort I surely can.

Depression

Recognising is the first step
I did some of the things recommended
Tried calling subair
Went for 15 min yoga on my own even when I missed the class coz of long meetings
Right now I recognise I'm afraid
I want to pin down  what I'm afraid of
I'm afraid saro will just drop all that he wants to do coz of me
Then I'm scared he'll be resentful of me
I'm scared I'll be the reason for him to go into depression

Are these selfish fears? Am I afraid of being the cause of bad things

Plus of course I don't want him moping around at home feeling pegged in by me.

I think... I need to talk to sham

I'm scared of things I can't control
Scared of losing control
Want to be a better person

I'm fighting lots of battles
Top of the list being my own expectations ... of myself of him

I need that serenity prayer  I gave sutha.  Lord grant me the courage to change the things I can , the serenity to accept the things I can't,  and wisdom to know the difference.

I don't know if I should have burdened him with all that yesterday
Who says my feelings and emotions are so important that I can wreck his peace of mind?

Classic selfishness.

In a generation of me-ness and my-ness.  He is more of their-ness.  My ideal in many ways only mine stay as empty ideals and his actualize

I honestly do have a lot to thank god for in him. He doesn't have very much to thank in me. I nag scold

But I am letting self pity interfere with the thinking through here. Gotta stop.

Plus... if all goes well I only need to put up with two more years of this. Then I uproot him and stick him in the states.
Matter of time I guess before he finds ways to serve there too. Service is god. I'm the  selfish one.

Artificiality of human relationships

I think it's unnatural and that's why it's so difficult.
How can two different people hope to come together to live together for 40 plus years?
That's a long time.
The lions have a model that is more akin to what's natural. 
Male lion impregnated female and moves off.
Female lions care for young for a while till they can take care of themselves and then move off.

We. Get married. Bring up young together for 20 over years. 25 years for each kid on average and even more after that.

People get bored. And need new interests.
How to stay together?

So I must actively seek out other forms of engagement. I cannot be so dependent on husband and kids for meaning in my life. 
All are temporary. 
After 12 years of marriage he and I just partners in child rearing  now.
And that's fine.
We are not extensions of each other.
And kids are here temporarily. 
They will move on.
We have a responsibility to support them nurture them but we should not expect anything from then
Dharma duty - these matter more than anything else.

How do I not care

Saro had to go to the temple on wed and Thurs and sat and sun and today. Today he's also got to go for a condo management thing.

I don't know what to feel. Last time I kept track I realised he was home more often than not it was mostly during certain phases and weeks.

I guess this is such a time too.
We don't factor much for him unfortunately. 
Is that true?
More like he's trying to be present for us and his activities in ways he knows best.

I don't want to be a nag.
I can't hide my disappointment though.
I think I have to take it as a given that he will not be around most weekdays and just celebrate when he is.

Be like a child
Have no expectations

Even in my dream I was sad he was away evenings of the holiday in my dreams
How to be strong
.he did offer quite eagerly to pick me up just now
Focus on the positive
He won't even notice if I'm cold to him
How can he when he pops in just at night to take aishu to bed
.he puts aishu to bed and makes her milk
He buys groceries

Focus on what's being done
Sweep away your expectations
When the kids grow you go on holidays
Pick up hobbies
Reading painting drawing dancing classes writing studying
Visiting friends around the world

I'm okay. 

Ot

Working ot has become the norm now
My new lit colleagues are working round the clock as are older colleagues.
I must highlight this. Share good things about our officers
I must also point out the positive things about our bosses.

Happy

I leave work
Heavy
Fighting battles in belief
Purpose of my work
Questioning the sincerity of the bosses
The schizophrenic turns
The hypocrisy too
The challenges hurled my way
For I ... I have to justify
the subjects very existence

And I felt weary

Then I get a call
A teacher . Young
Happy to know I've noticed his good work .eager to share his success
Feeling validated that I've taken notice

And my heart lifts
my lips turn in a smile

I think of my children the cute things they say the deep things they feel
And I smile despite it all

And then I see a lizard
Balanced on a wire and I feel wonder and awe

And I know
I was born to be happy
That I just need to look within and around
And I can feel the joy
And I can leave behind the hypocrisy
And revel in the trueness of the love and good around me

Appreciating my mum

Reading a poem brought back memories long buried.
In the light of those memories I really appreciate my mum. She put up with so much and decided to go all zen like and forgive things not let things get to her... for the sake of her children. I appreciate how difficult that must have been and how blessed I am to have a mum who can put us before herself and her needs so thoroughly. She's also taught me how we need to be patient and forgiving for the good of the family and even ourselves in the long run. My parents are still together and happy because of the sacrifices she made.

Appa

Appa 's got a job! He went for an interview and has been hired as a full time staff! At his age. Very very proud of him.

He got himself trained in something super difficult. Expensive too and time consuming.  But he did it and  ow he's been hired on that basis. Brilliant right. 

So much to learn from my parents .

Just re read hunger games

Again.
Like the fourth time.  Always the whole series in some order. Always unable to out it down. Seeing something new in it.

The horrifying feeling of watching civil war that I felt on first reading is not emerging again. Maybe coz that was when the Sri Lankan war had just ended.

What this shows. Rebels or rulers. All are cruel in the face of the need for the perceived greater good.   Taking down children. Their own . Thugs rule countries. Saints cannot.

And loss is intense and personal. 

Annie and finnick.  I wish she had let them survive. 

Was it necessary for her to go hunt snow? The rebel forces did it without her. Unless it's her showing up in capitol that derailed them and energised the rebels?

If she hadn't hunted snow at the end  finnick the crew and prim may have survived. The others she couldn't help. This I hold her responsible for.

Who penned the kids in though?  Capitol or rebels?

Some thoughts

Pimples hanging off her face like fruit off a tree

The rain drove the haze into the ground where it sat and brooded and then rise again the next day with new vengeance as if From the earth itself

Gandhi has a baby

I'm ridiculously excited that gandhi has a baby. I think I've been projecting my own feelings onto them. They've been married for ages easily 14 years. Handsome loving couple. No kids thus far. I always wondered if it was by choice or some reason like ours years ago. (Same with Leena and Raj).

I've also always thought gandhi wanted kids and maybe amutha didn't.  That made me sad (if it was ever true).

So now.. knowing they have a bay is get g me super excited. So much so I want to visit then if I can when I am in Perth later on! I'm closer to gandhi than amutha.  Hmm. ..

Jet lag

Now jet lagged in Singapore

Bloody jet lagged on day 2

Was ready to turn in. Checker phone
Urgent work message . Finished in an hour
1.15am to 2.15am
Then no sleep. 
Am tired
Cdn feel it in my body.
Had food milk read a book.
Nod going to listen to music see if that helps
This sucks

Gps

Having gotten used to the mind numbing unthinking following of the GPS I couldn't function beyond it even in familiar and proximal familiar surroundings

Humility

So my story got pretty much torn apart.
Confusing
Illogical
World not believable. .makes me wonder if I should dump it
But I shall persevere.

Looks like I didn't get chosen

Sigh. Oh well. Looks like none of my works are making it to the publication of poems on singpowrimo. 

The giver

Having watched the giver I find things are quite unresolved.
So the past was bad in the excesses. War pain colour love.
The solution was drab lifeless colourless safe and same. Not z solution.
So no solution. 

The present

The present is dissolving right before our eyes.

If a character is very compelling he's very much alive for me. He's real for me.

So to write about ovid she read a lot of ovid read some of his contemporaries work to learn about the science a.d life of that time.
Then travelled. Where could he live? Walking distance from some monuments etc..

Watership Down

Classic for a reason. What a story. 
About leadership.
1. Think win win. Such a great suggestion he offered to general woundwort. Free movement between two Warrens. 

2. Praise strengths.  Sees strengths in everyone even the littlest.

3. Takes effort to cultivate partnerships and build trust. Like with the mouse and the bird.

4. Notices and observes and remembers.  The trip to the farm brought the dog out.

5. Truly innovative. Working with birds mice dogs

6. Trusts in intuition of others. Like fiver. 

7. Kind to the underdog.  No judgement.

8. Plans ahead. Warren needs does. 

9. Knows who to entrust with which job

10.

As a writer masterful. 
The good leader though not physically strongest.  The staunch dependable big guy. The story teller. The innovative one. The joker. The clairvoyant.  The returned veteran.  The loyal underling. 

Puts in place seeds of ideas that grow later in the book. Like floating on z plank to floating in a boat.  Knawing thru a rope to free the boat to gnawing thru the rope to free the dog.

Hbest part. We become the stuff of legends.  Possible the great rabbit lived.

Bye bye

Subair yasmin and samir left yesterday for new Zealand. 
I think I did my sobbing on two 0ccassions already I didn't cry yesterday. I felt detached. My coping mechanism probably.
Life does move on. It will it shall it must .

Kids had a lot of fun at the airport though!  Running playing making friends. We don't have that much space here in Singapore truly.  Airport space is good.

Heart guide me

Dearest god
Parenting is amazing but also mind boggling. .
It's bringing out the best and worst in me.
Like protecting kids wanting them to grow up well
Vs
Shouting at them threatening them hitting them
Very sad.
Don't want to lose control but I can't. 

He's too cute and too naughty .
He wanted fish yesterday so we went bought baked and ate it. Later my friends pointed out his wife is going to hate me for it. So I hadn't realised how I was spoiling him, after telling off my mum.
Today he wanted to stay in my mum's house. I didn't let him and bought him a toy instead. Was that the right thing to do?  At night he says heart wrenchingly. . I know I can't but I feel like staying in aayas house.

I had almost convinced myself he was OK here already but then saro ended up whacking him really hard for slamming a drawer on aishus fingers

Then he couldn't sleep even near 12 midnight coz he was  hungry. In a huff I said .... coz I was so close to falling asleep... aiyoh.  Come let's go. I'll make sure I stuff you with food every night! 

He got pretty upset. 1st. Why you say aiyoh.  Then I don't want to get my mouth stuffed with rice! 

Makes me laugh even when I want to scold him. I love him so much. Please guide me to bring him up well god!

A week of impending departures

And the heart is just a bit heavy.
Mum in law is leaving this evening .
Emily - a good friend is leaving on Thurs.
Subair yas - best friends - are leaving next week.
I was singing the song ..m maname oh maname... nee marividu.  !
Today not so heavy but yesterday yes.

The great disconnect

Hurtling towards the great disconnect. ..
Interconnecting worlds insularly bouncing off one another
Tiny satellites we are
Beaming to each other from phones but increasingly silent with each other in person
Case in point: daughter eating her bread while mum typing this!

Breathless feeling. 

Meditation and zen living so important now to keep track off the important rather than floating with currents constantly. 

The Eddies of Life!

Kaviya thalaivan

Beautiful movie
Jealousy vs natural talent
Innovation verses superb delivery
Springing from setbacks
Always looking forward moving with the times
Importance of developing newer talents to replace the old
End goal not being glory but good
Betrayal

The awful world out there

And the unseemly bubble we live in
The amount of craziness that is the norm out of here makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Seriously ..a girl and a boy talking in the woods is such a cause of alarm .

Taliban and now isis and their insane rules
A woman's face is a source of distraction. Can't hear their own words! They sound weak the men!
Not so different with us colleges saying don't wear shorts it's distracting.

I don't like tiny shorts coz I think it's demeaning for the person.

Crazy. The killing that is happening all the time.

But the madness within society that allows for extremism to happen! That was eye opening.

Dirty daughter

Shaming the women

Women shouldn't be seen or talked about by men. 

Learning things about racism and sexism every day

Serena Williams is an awesome tennis player but apparently people can't stop talking about her deregotarily based on looks and physique. It's like there's an accepted standard of beauty that she dares to flout and people have no idea what to do with it. 😕

And now I understand women had equal power and education in Egypt.  It was the Romans who felt women had no place in society.

Must be humble

That's what tharman said and it rings in my head all the time.
Yesterday I was bemoaning to friends how ashwin is yelling for everything kannan said straightaway he's probably picking it up from you guys.
I wanted to deny but then realise it's true.  Case in point this morning I yelled at akshaya for not eating two more mouths of her egg. 😡. I must strive to not yell. I must remember re read my own post on not yelling and do it.

Treading water

These past few weeks I feel like I'm treading water just trying to stay afloat

I just wrote down my to do list of 20 things to do with one aspect of one it ticked off. Need to include to do by dates and just get with it. 

Now to lunch.
Even jj asked what I'm unhappy about . I'm not unhappy just treading water. 

Rome and Egypt

Just reading when we were gods. About cleopatra. .here I encounter Rome of the past as I did in the volcano book. It is truly fascinating
.

I feel very much for Egypt.  It was rich and powerful and led by a powerful woman. But in the end all wealth and power went to a roman. 

Country enslaved for ages and then further vilified in Christianity. 

What happened? Just sore luck ?
God's plans?

Best friends leaving

My heart feels bereft. One by one they are all leaving. First malar.  Then sutha.  Now subair. 
I am happy for them. But sad for me . No two ways about it.

I don't know why I'm feeling it so much now. 

really every time I think about it I'm bothered. 

Yesterday I literally bawled. like a spoiled child that all my friends were leaving, that I can't make new friends that i don't want any more new friends. 

even now, as I think of what gift to get samir, I am choking up. 

earlier today I was scolding subair pig! haha not to him yet though I'm sure I will be. 

he gave me something when I got attached - he felt a little tug somewhere in him. that feeling that your friend is moving on. 

I still have that toy he gave  me he probably wont' remember it

it's not I call them all the time or anything just that... 

it was nice knowing we are all nearby. 

even recently we were planning to organise a malaysia sea food getaway with them and all you know

and sleep overs for samir here and ashwin there

all that ... ya. 

sucks. 

ashwin really likes samir. ashwin needs guy friends,. 

heavy heavy heart. 

selfish too I guess but I don't want to beat myself up for missing my friends. I think i'm allowed to. 

grr,

I love my kids, but my friends were my ticket to another parallel life I had beyond the kids
I am afraid with them all gone
my world will shrink back to my kids only
and that's no good we all know
they will each fly off pretty soon, and then what will I have left
my husband of course. thank goodness for the rock of man god has gifted me
my friends leaving, and he felt a pang too. just for that I love him
I cry and bawl and scream and he just holds me. for that I love him
he wakes up tirelessly to make milk for the baby, singing "mum mum for aishu". for that I love him.

So much on our minds

Saba quake. Singapore children and teachers amongst casualties.  Terrible right?

Heart breaking. 

And even erytime I crave a midnight snack... I'm struck by how kids in homes and shelters even in Singapore may have no chance whatsoever to get such a midnight snack.
I'm wracked by the fact that I could do do much more. That I feel so much but do do little. 

Writing progress

I finally posted my poems.
I have a good feeling about one or two of them but even of they don't win anything I'm proud of myself for having penned them .
I'm really looking forward to the poetry thing next April.  Will be friend every active participant there do chances if me getting feedback on poems is much higher.

I've also signed up for a writing mentorship course! 4 weeks of sustained writing and criticism. Need to have two stories completed.  I plan to work on boy and the witch and another kids story. Really must find time to revise both.

I'm wondering if I could 4un some workshop at the south zone symposium.  A new one in teaching writing what I feel may work.  Or... a segment on assessment in lit review run from ltlt or a follow up to the assessment one this year.

Am  going to try my prompted to write exercise with sashi from July onwards and track progress. Also the thought tapping exercise!

I love my country but some things irk me

Like jailing a woman for selling curry puffs to make ends meet while her husband is in jail. Seriously. 

50 shades

My thoughts on this pornographic book

Yes firstly it is just porn. 

It's disturbing on a few accounts.
He's a control freak she likes to be controlled.  There may be many people in this of sick relationship.  Where they hit and control and then pretend all is well with some meds.
They have sex way too many times. Not possible to go on like that. 

Malar 's wedding

So malar and jeroen 's wedding was a success!
After all that stress leading to the wedding the actual day was fun for all - bride groom their families and us .
Akshaya walked in leading the bride. 
She gave malar a chain which malar actually wore together with her wedding bangles!
My pink bangles went well with her pink saree and the orange with her orange.
Not thrilled by my choice of saree but was OK. 

Thank god for air conditioning!  Hehe so wedding was pleasant cosy. Only about 50 people. Just family and close friends . Actually friends was mostly just us! Begam sulaiman amelia annamalai and khair were the other friends.

Very intimate.  Whole crowd felt fully part of the wedding from beginning to end. My family was well represented haha! My parents my kids my cousins and my brother. Of the 50 guests we made up 10!

Food was good.
Jeroens  family is a gem!  So sporting ate everything . Didn't complain or make a fuss just went with the proceedings from beginning to end. Bless them and bless malar. 

We had fun decorating their hotel room think they really liked their stay at mbs . Saro drove them in the wedding car. Oh ya we decorated the wedding car too that was fun.
Yas subair and I did up the room with flowers and photo frames and candles and naughty toys and nuttella

And we left my phone in there playing mood music and forgot about it! Saro dropped off jeroen 's family at the airport. Good thing about Saro and me is we both actually love being hospitable and seeing our guests comfort from beginning to end. It's what Saro signed up for at the last ibcn and it helped make such  good impression with the delegates. 
So anyway ya all in all was a great experience ! Best weddings to help organise are our friends  . Plus he hehe. .. I think I organise good parties! 

I believe I met my match is lakshmi nateson too. Her party was better than mine are because she and husband looked like they were enjoying themselves fully too. Usually I'm a bit stressed at my parties trying to ensure everyone else is having a good time but she was chill. Ya.

What to do

What do you do when your body craves oily fried foods you know you should avoid? Like burgers with crispy fried chicken or packets of potato crisps? 

I've never been like that you know. Now I can't seem to stop want g such unhealthy fare

Sigh

Malar is getting married but she ain't excited.

Strange conversations with the boss

Strange.
I've inspired strange levels of confidence in my boss.
Glad he's grooming me to be internally appointed ad. It's something I've seem as long over due . But to be fair I never mentioned it to cedric.
Let's see where it all goes. 
But ... it would bode well to be cautious. 
He says bigger boss also confident in me. I would say be careful.
I also hear myself from past shunning accolades due to me and learning from it now.
Interesting. 

Demanding

Hug me. HUG ME! he commanded with an authority only a three year old could muster of his mother .
With the full knowledge of his right to be hugged by his mum

applying for the first time

for someone who had dreamed of becoming a writer, it really is a bit embarrasing that I am only now sending in anything to be considered for publication - now, at age 36.

well anyway,
I've read of course - I need to be prepared for rejection - even J K rowling got rejected over and over again - she perservered.

my problem of course is, I don't believe enough in the quality of my work.
but its okay

first pat on back - I wrote for 30 days, almost.

second pat on back - I'm actually sending stuff for a competition at last

third pat will come with some rejection I guess - maybe a paltry acceptance too, who knows. but a response is a response - a validation of me being brave enough to try, so the third pat, regardless of the response. 

Dream

I feel like I'm living in a dream
Floating along
Doing what I like
Borrowing books from the library trying new authors going back to old authors
Writing poetry
Sending for competition
Dreamy dreamy weeks
Work just there in the periphery

Romeo and Juliet

Balcony scene thoughts

Taught it before but seeing it anew now.
Rapturous in love
Innocent and yet so full
He leaps over the wall but she proposes!

Saro

Happy birthday my love
My sweetheart
My rock

My bestest friend
My soul mate
My dream

Thank you for being you
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for standing by me
Thank you for being my partner in crime!

I didn't know I could love for 12 years and keep loving
You showed me that is possible
You laugh with me and make life so sweet

I love you

I tease you for having said so my years ago that you couldn't live without me
In drunken stupor
I believe you told the truth haha!

I tell you now my sweet
I can't live without you

Happy birthday darling!

Jiak chun st back alley

Amos yee

I continue to be so disturbed by this case.
I'm also disturbed that we have become so conditioned to aceept things that most of us would not do what Amos has done. 

We would seeth inwardly at the injustice and irony and ridiculousness of the bail terms but would not have posted online and blatantly broken the terns getting our bailer fined and ourselves back in jail.

I find him openly criticising many things we would ourselves find Confounding but would not dare speak up or care to speak up.

An idiot slapped him on the way to court.  So despicable.

Smaller

Smaller than the smallest speck of sand
We strut
Imagining this universe owes us

She heaves
A wall of water rises
And 230,000 vanish

She shifts her shoulder
A fissure opens
And 10,000 disappear

When will she move again
How will she move us
Alas we are far too tiny to know

I ask

I ask why
I ask why you
I ask why now

I ask is it right for you to go before me
I ask why on earth I sent you there to study
I ask why oh why did I not insist you wear a helmet

I ask now what
I ask how ... do I go on
I ask..
I ask

Wipe away my tears aatha

Have I written about him asking us to wipe away his tears ?
Something we wish we can do always.

Writing frenzy

I have never written this much in a short period of time before
This one month I've been writing and writing almost daily.
I want to continue.
I want to select poems to send to the competition
I want to revise some of what ive written
I want to write those kids stotmries from the beginning of the year.

Guided meditation

Deep breaths
Inner calm
A feeling of being supported in e erythingm
Things may be rocky but I'm rocking in God's hand only

one flew over the cuckoo's nest

I want to write about the movie - where radha is the heroine and shivaji and his wife is the despicable villie - such intresting thoughts I had then!

now I want to pen my thougths abotu one flew over the cukcoo's nest

so ther's a whole of fore-shadowing huh? which you can only appreciate after reading the whole book.
am now re-reading the book immediately after my first re-reading in years - and I can see the bits coming together
like, the story of Ratly or someone - who mouthed off and then got turned into a vegetable
the details about what happens during a shock shop
the suicides that could have been prevented

finally, if the main guy had stayed lobotomised, he would have remained as that ratley fellow, a symbol of how the nurse always wins in the end - his being killed by the Indian - that helped .
though I am not sure how much was won in the long run
the guys he was with, they moved on,
what about the others coming in ? would nurse be changed in anyway
what about whom she represents - the Combine..

Stupid book

Stupid book that makes me cry every time I read it.  I've read it so many many times  and each time I read it again after a while I cry. Now it's on the train. Everyone can see me dabbing my eyes.  Those not glued to their phones anyway and this is what makes a super book.

The outsiders.
I read it first in primary or secondary school. I remember borrowing g it from a library - a school library . Maybe secondary school huh?

Oh my

The heart is heavy. 
Yesterday ashwin said my body is scared! 

I feel... I feel I just give enough of myself to anything anyone. .e erythibg feels half and half
I thought I was a cheerful person akshaya was quick to point out I'm not.

Nights
Some nights I put akshaya and ashwin to bed those nights I miss aishu.  I miss aishu a lot in fact feel like I hardly spend time with her.
Between ashwin and akshaya I feel guilty that I hug and comfort and kiss ashwin a lot more than I do akshaya.  He's round and soft.  She's lean and angular and more prone to lashing out. He sits there cuddly .
But all the more I need to hug her ?

She's the eldest at 6 and really has to give in a lot. This makes me sad
Other 6 year old may be princesses of their universe but mine?

At night the other two cry for milk and then need to be hugged back to sleep.  She's the loner. Would like to be hugged and cuddled too especially as she sleeps but there is only so Much of me to go around .

That's at night.  In the day my day is all consumed  by akshaya!  Her homework piano practice piano homework dance class cycling ...
Where's my time and attention to the other two? Playing with them reading with them games with them. All seems to be not there. It's always about her.

And yet I feel she feels jealous because she needs to eat on he own the other two get fed.

Maybe it's to do with visible forms of physical affection she needs that I'm giving the other two. And more tangible stuff to do I need to do with the other two. 

restless heart

singpowrimoday1: poem featuring 2065

ah! 2065

Singapore in the world

World over people mourned his passing.  I am in disbelief. It's true when we have something precious we don't often realise it ourselves

Bhutan flew their national flag at half mast as did new Zealand and India.  The funeral was telecast live in Malaysia Nepal China Malaysia where people I served a minute silence for him.
Nz cricket players wore a ribbon on their sleeves as they played the world cup. 
Nz and Australia devotee time in parliament to speak of him

The day after

There is so much to ponder
Singapore has grown but in some ways we are still so immature. 

Take Amos Lee.  A 17 year old who shoots his mouth off on you tube. Uses vulgarities . Slamming lky during the week of mourning. Comparing him to jesus and calling both hypocrites.

The kid was spoilt and an attention seeker. But not one I would take seriously.  What us both amusing and disturbing is people's reactions to him. It's saddening to see adults respond to hin using vulgarities too. Like the line of civility is a fragile thread very easily broken . Why be so provoked by a young man that you demean yourself with such language?

Adults have filed reports against him and he has been arrested. That is disturbing and for me embarrassing for Singapore.  People should be allowed To Say Things Against the Government and lky. Otherwise it would make our genuine outpouring of grief last week seem contrived . That's sad. If people  can genuinely feel sad they can genuinely feel not sad or even mad .

It's over

Today was the final send off.
We watched glued to the TV from 12.30 to 5.00.
This is a time of reflection
Before the start I watched the video of our separation from Malaysia and I was moved to sobbing tears..

Just to think about how lucky, how blessed we are to have had a leader who cried for us , who took it upon himself as a personal responsibility , that he has a few million lives to account for.

Minister heng 's article about the red box and how if he saw a tree dying he would type our something to go on the box , that even while mourning for his wife if he saw rubbish in the river he would take note and get someone to act on it... to have leader think of the trees and rivers as his.

Pm Lees eulogy was so moving .
Singapore people were so moving
They stood in the rain just to wave bye calling out Lee Kuan Yew.
Over the four days public were allowed to pay their respects half a million people turned up queuing for 4 to 10 hours just to shuffle past for a few seconds.

The best of Singapore emerged.  Free water stalks of flower .
We queued too. For 5 hours with aisha in the wee hours of the morning pram in hand saro had just turned up at midnight . We left home at 1.30. I was determined.  So what of the wait was 10 hours I would still make it before the cut off time.  But aishu didn't sleep from 3 to 5.45 and I was worried for her. The queue had been suspended since 11 and we didn't know if they would open it at all. I nearly wanted to leave. But spoke to a saf man who reassured me it would Def open maybe 6 or 7 am.  That they were trying to clear the padang completely before letting in everyone again. 
The queue management was fantastic.  They responded as situation grew and grew. They did not expect such a crowd. It was so moving so amazing. We appreciated our stamina to wait.  For something that we all felt was important as a nation.

Violence

At a course now about a picture book about family violence
I'm afraid. Am I a violent mum? I'm beating pinching a lot more nowadays and shouting a lot more...
I must remember to say thank you god for the kids when they do something I feel they should not have. 

Ashwins understanding

I asked him yesterday
Me: Did you talk about Lee Kuan yew in school today

A: Yes! Who passed away?  Lee Kuan yew passed away. Passed away means dead. We are not dead. We are not passed away.

Haha! So precious so innocent so devoid of understanding!

Akshaya wants to say death but corrects herself to say passed on.

Made it after all

Really was preparing myself not to be able to pay my respects to the great man.
But by God's grace I did.

In the queue

I'm in the queue now. It's possible I may not get to pay my respects to him. I suppose I only have myself to blame.
Wed morning. I could have gone.  I stayed home with three sick kids.we had quality time together I noted it as one of the best days with kids.

The idea of a 8 hour wait put me off then .now I embrace it. Amazing what a couple of days of normals can do to perspectives. 

Thurs morning I had a branch meeting afternoon till 8 pm I was at work preparing for ltlt. I am here now with my baby. Am lucky it's windy.  I may not make it. But I would have tried. Friday morning I could not go. 2.30 to 4.30 I was up working again
Thinking Fri aft I could not have made it coz of the ped sharing.
Part of me didn't want to queue alone.  I wanted

It's so hard

I poured my heart our but did not publish and it's gone!
So I was saying .. different duties pulling on Me
Work - prep for ltlt vs notes for fgd
Personal - uplifting lunch
National - taking daughter to help her pay her respects to lky

Striking a balance between all these is hard. 

Stream of consciousness on LKY's passing, on 23 March 2015

Interrupted learning

When the mind is preoccupied by something

It is hard  - hard hard hard

To focus on something else

My grief is everyone’s grief

I want to yell

Or it should be!

But who am I to dictate this?

Last of all is for something to become farcical

A token

Like on a whatssap message – doesn’t mean much

Don’t we owe him a mention in our meeting as a unit?

I want to talk about it

But not sure what to say

This great man has passed.

He has passed and passed and passed

Will we soon become inured to this fact

Will this fact never mean as much as it does today, this day, this moment

Every further moment we approach the point of not feeling as much for it anymore

So how precious is this moment then

I just can’t listen to your earnestness seriously

You haven’t addressed the matter pressing on all our hearts and minds

Why do you do this

___-

I cannot smile

 I find it hard

Paralysis of the brain the mind

I want to cry to someone

Or do i

Do I only think I want to cry with someone

I can cry alone very well indeed thank you

I want to meet my parents and cry with them

I want to hug my husband and cry with him

I think I will visit my mum for a cry today

That sounds like a good agenda

At the temple, let’s offer a prayer – for him, his family and this country, his extended family

The man here is more than just his immediate circle in more ways than one

__-

Can we dream like this man can?

Shakespeare quotes on FB abound

·         Out Out brief Candle

·         Caeser

Some are born great

Some achieve greatness

Some have greatness thrust upon them

Above all else, to thine own self be true

People speak of complicated feelings

I have no such complications

“Devoid of humanity”

Really?

What do people expect

A saint ?

Show me the man who has done no wrong in life

Not even God – may I say so – not even God

Because of free will – god allows for mistakes too

And we sit here- condemning this man who gave us a place to live

I have nothing to say

I think

Any changes we want to make now we must make

We can make

We can contribute to this country – we can and must build it up

He has laid the foundation – we must build on it

If he’s shown us anything it’s that nothing is impossible.  

My heart is breaking

Today morning I cried, thinking only of my iyya and him

Two venerable old men

Visionary

People I admire

People I owe who I am and how I live to

The heart is heavy heavy heavy

My father is not having any complicated feelings of any sort!

Such a relief

In his mind – of simple black and white characters, simple narratives of heroes and villains

Our LKY is hero through and through

I just spoke with him and he tells me

“I think LKY is the greatest man of all! No man is as great as he is”

I qualified – many are great in different ways

He agrees – someone reluctantly – and then speaks of LKY’s unique greatness

“To create something out of nothing”

Something strong

My father my uncomplicated hero! 

Historic significance

The passing of lky marks a historic moment. The passing of an epoch?

An end to an old guard?

The passing of a founder of a country - now that is rare . Most countries have been around for awhile @ ! We are only 50. Younger than my dad. 

So ya.
Our kids today will grow up knowing lky as a historic figure. We grew up knowing him as a man . As a leader. Our leader. 

We witness these changes and everyone - nearly- can feel the immense weight of this moment.  This moment in history. never have we mourned as a nation. They did not expect the crowds to throng to see him

My colleagues and I feel we have to pay our respects. It's something we will regret if we don't do.

How does a nation grieve?

In this day thru Facebook
On the radio thru sad love songs. The love songs really tug tug at heart strings but very odd to think of Mr Lee as "baby" which is so often used in  such sad songs! 
Thru memorial services. Island wide.
Thru half mast for a week
Through minutes of silence that I would like to observe though have not had a chance to as yet
Thru conversations
Thru 8 hour long queues for people to pay their respects to him
Thru cancellation of some events
Through publications
Through support for him online and bashing of those with different views
Through posters in tamil nadu villages! 
Tributes at foreign embassies and parliaments
Through giving out flowers and drinks for free to people waiting to pay their respects to him
Through flying down especially for his funeral - from the US- delegation led by Clinton with Henry kissing,   from India - prime minister modi , premiers from Jakarta and many more places.
Rajini kanth has penned his tribute too.
Through cards and letters
For me through not posting anything not related to lky during the period of mourning, not advertising my house for rent wearing muted colours ensuring we have no plans on Sunday so we can watch the funeral
Writing and writing and reflecting

how does a nation grieve

how does a nation grieve?

my grief is real. but grief can start to feel unreal or contrived

I do not want to grieve in an organised way.
I do not want to attend a memorial service where we must furnish 7 names
I do not want to attend a parliament sitting where we must furnish 1 name

I want to pay my respects to LKY

My tears I cried at 6 am were real . They were not for show for there was nobody then to show.
My tears at the bus-stop and my daughter's school were real
I had to hide my tears and rush from the scene

my outpouring through words was real - it came before I read much else of others tributes

I am happy I had that time and chance to grieve before I reflect
Nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so - truly

Sweet daughter

Yesterday the person whom I could grieve with properly without holding back things turned out to be my 6 year old daughter!
She came home from school and felt so sad she just sat by the piano for a few minutes . For that I hugged her .

Later we talked about him and she played a song on the piano for him.  We looked each other in the eye and solemnly acknowledged we'd continue Mr Lee 's good work and help build up this country

Thavam irunthu petra magal. Thavam irunthu petra kuzhanthaigal. I'm so  ery very blessed. In my parents my grandparents my children my country my leaders. I have so much to be thankful for. The accident of birth has placed me in a position so far more secure and safe than millions of others. This is no accident but the grace of God. 

Heavy heart

How can we start work today without speaking of his passing?
My daughters primary school the p said. Although I'm happy to welcome you back I also have to share some very sad news.
I burst into tears and had to leave 

At the bus stop I had to leave to sit under the block to cry and gather myself. 

At work - nothing ? Or soon?

Where do we go from here

It's new.
Gracious Singapore is what I want to see.
Success we have. Graciousness we can strive for.
Respect for all.

Every step

Every step I take today weighs heavily
Every step pregnant with meaning
I step on grass and soil he has made safe for us
I step through turnstiles at the train station thinking this too he made possible

Appropriate display of grief

What have we become that I cannot call my best friends and weep?

That a son mourning hus father has to keep his tears in check constantly on live radio

Hyberbolic grief

When you grieve
Sometimes
You feel the world grieves with you
Does it?
Probably not.
But it feels that way

I feel ...
Our tears will raise a flood today
For this great great great leader

My grief today is a nations grief

Thank you Mr lee

You are gone to heaven .
We mourn your passing here
You left us a country
You left us a home
Thank you

So simple. These words cannot contain the tears pouring from our eyes
All of Singapore cries today in a way we never have and never will for there is only ever one founding father

We are blessed to have lived in his lifetime. 

Mr Lee Kuan Yew.

A legend we owe our lives to.

So I sit here at 6 am. Crying tears no one can see or hear but him.  These tears are my anjali. These and a promise to give to this country as much as I can give with all my heart. It may not always be right but the intentions will be and always using the resources the information I have at hand.

God bless this great great great man

He meets his wife ... and my iyya in heaven.

The Best of Times the Worse of Times

Whole of last week I've just been so jittery
Best of times worst of times line by Charles dickens ringing in my head .
In the throes of change
A tipping point
Will things change for better or for worse of just stay the same? 

Thaipusam 2015.. I don't want to forget it. 
Already things are quieter about it.

Last week I felt so much for those three men on trial for the fights
First time ever found myself doubting our justice system.
I felt the difference between knowing something all along and then really recognising something.  Have always known that newspapers twist the news to present only one sanctioned view. Now I really saw it . Online media though messy presented so many different perspectives ideas challenging the sanctioned views.
So often i was  blatantly disgusted at the reporting in ST that ignored calls about people's unhappiness over the unfairness of no music allowed for thaipusam and allowed for so many others like chinghay Chinese funerals st Patrick's day etc. 

Police and ST and ministers boldly claimed the men smelled of alcohol. One of the men denies drinking totally.  So convenient to label Indians as drunkards and then excuse brutish thuggish police behaviour as necessary to contain them. So convenient so despicable.  so frightening too.. if they stoop to this for a fight when else have they done this? What about the riots last year? Inept scared police just blame who they can to explain their pathetic performance. It appears instead of quelling the riots or preventing the fight they likely fuelled it by their stupid boorishness.  So now what?

One of the men claims he shoved a man who pushed his sister in law down.  Now that lady has filed a report against the police themselves.  What bravery! She has done this despite threats from the police that if these allegations are found to be untrue severe action will be taken against her. What utter bravery! Esp when we see the police are totally cool with twisting facts to protect themselves and the government will support the police to preserve the image of a clean government.
Frightening.
Very very frightening.
Utopia turned dystopia just like that
Coz social media reveals different sides to stories.

Then the crazy politicians commenting on this. Advising public not to overreact. Firstly it was the police who overreacted. Then the politicians telling us to remember law and order and policemen must be respected!!! Missing the point. People angry about unfairness of the law. 
People not just Indians but people.
They finally hear us and then go on a wild indefensible defence about privilege.
Public not the police or politicians saw that the rule was unfair and debated that rather than the men who got into a fight. Stupid right? Think it was hard for then to understand what we were mad about. They expected public to say oh good job police you contained the drunkards and the fights. Not wait a minute police why so many plainclothes police why no music in the first place why so rough with devotees etc. Took them by surprise.  Stupid people. 

So now.   We have been asking for music for years. 40 years in fact.  And shanmugam now says we must listen to the people reconsider the allowing of music.  Why you can only hear now , coz the noise is loud.

Then the policing got terrible. 
First ' gag order about the three men and the fracas. That fracas has thrown up gross discrimination and brought about the possibility of music for thaipusam at last after 40 years but we can't talk about them. Apparently we might prejudice the case! Seriously the talking is what might bring about justice rather than prejudice it!  I'm very sure now that without that noise it would have been clear cut throw them in jail the drunk hooligans!  Idiots. So afraid of being shown up as unfair. Idiots 

Then a refusal to grant permit to protest and ask for musical instruments and a public  holiday for thaipusam  . So can't talk online can't talk in  public just shut up and let the powers that be decode everything . Some democracy.  My country!! Filthy.
What are they afraid of? For the first time
Singaporeans getting together to fight for minority rights and they clamp down saying this may divide!  They are just afraid! Afraid the racist policies of the country will be talked about that people will become aware. Like i said filthy! !!

so we are at a turning point of sorts. Will we get musical instruments next year. I think so, though there was this dubious horrendous message from MHA recently about why music and road closures are allowed for ching gay and St Patrick's but not Thaipusam - apparently route is shorter and risk factor is less - what rubbish! they are scared of Indians. that's the problem. and letting the events of 40 years ago cloud their thinking now. cannot grow up, cannot let go. paranoid freakish government. I'm close to despising them. I cannot take them seriously now. I view their actions with suspicion. Race politics in this day and age in MY country. 

Will we get a holiday next year. No - some ministry came straight out and said no but I respect them for addressing the issue head on, no stupid excuses about privileges, just facts and their honest fear that if we give this holiday, we'll have to give holidays for many more religious events and that will become a slippery slope. I respect that. It's acknowledging in fact that maybe a holiday should be given but that it can't coz of other consequences now. at least treats the reading public as educated and understanding. 

Unlike MHA with blanket statements about one being more risky than the other. What a load of bull. cowards. how to respect them like this. bums. 

How bout those three men? I pray for them. everyday we all need to pray for them. in my eyes, they are the heroes of this play - the ones who got the whole thing moving so that at least 40 years later the gov is at last acknowledging the rules need to be changed. if they are imprisoned and punished, they become like sacrifices for this good thing to happen. I pray for them everyday. 

so... yes... best and worst of times no? 

Thaipusam 2015

Possible change in the air
Chagrin at ban of musical instruments
Call for holiday on thaipusam

Change a possibility
Depends how we do it

Yesterday I was hopping mad
Today I am amused and a little excited.
I like watching things unfold
I am afraid too - it's a gentle balance .

Are civil servants not allowed to attend speakers corner events? 

Two things recently that I feel so strongly about are coming to the fore
One was nlb and censorship and book pulping
Now this.
The blatant unfairness
The arrogance of the government
The ostrich head in the sand
The sheer power of mass media to highlight news that is reported in mainstream media and news that is not
The high handed treatment of things
The political police bullying
The extent to which the government will engage in cover up to protect its own kind
It's like a film or play unfolding day by day .
Best part for me
Singaporeans together against unfairness of government towards Indians
Unlike anything before
Police araganai
Everyone sees the ridiculousness of shanmugams comments
Privileges indeed
I wouldn't detest all other music if thaipusam music was allowed
I feel so strongly about this i want to do something be there be as brave as all these other people
I want Singaporeans to stand united and for me to be part of this change inducing movement

Reading shanmugams tirade makes me feel like I've entered Orwell's world of 1984 with double speak double think all around us. Bewildering rubbish. 
"Understandable for people to compare lion dance and Malay kompongs"... ah he hears us we think. .. "but these are by the ignorant."

So we wait with bated breath for enlightenment to spill out of his lips...

The difference... One set are social community events. The other religious. 
I think we are expected to say "ah! Of course! " at this point. Except we scratch our heads' chinese funerals are social community events huh?

Next big qn. Even if there were some random arbitrary invisible only visible to the trained shanmugam eye difference between social community events and religious events.. why would music be allowed in one and not the other? 

Before we can ask off he launches into a diatribe now- about the privileges of the Hindu community in Singapore. 

Orwell Orwell Orwell. .. do you long to jump out of your grave now - the world you saw is here today! All hail the herald of this world ' shanmugam vazhga!'

But better than getting mad is getting funny to expose the ridiculousness of things and that's what the online citizen and other websites are doing.  Like pretending drums are cancelled for lion dance troupes that they will dance to piano music cos drums are violent that all races deserve privileges so better ban all drums! !  And banning the triangle in kindergartens . Too funny really .

No offense to shanmugam by the way. I doubt he believes the convoluted nonsense he is sprouting . If he does. . I am deeply sorry for him. If he doesn't. .. I still feel sorry for him
To be the mouthpiece of our government .. and then I get angry again. If this was the stupidity of one individual it can be forgiven. Everyone is entitled to be stupid sometimes
. But.. if it is as I strongly suspect it to be ... the government's stance voiced through a convenient scapegoat.   Then I am furious. This is my country but it doesn't respect me or my race of people. My forefathers helped build this country as i am doing too now trying to develop respect for literature. ... but this country ... my gov believes i should be grateful for being able to practise my religion.  It's " I've given you so much you can't appreciate  that you fool, you are lucky to even be allowed to celebrate this festival. " my music is their noise. 

St's Patrick's- bring it on. Thaipusam - go hide.
Will things change? 

Time just flies

Early morning
Seems like we have a lot of time
Then it just zooms past
Gone
5.30 time for rush already! 

Monster mum reemerges

Yes she's back... unfortunately
I need to banish her again

Today I had a very sobering thought
Thank god I'm not a man. If I was I would have bullied my wife mercilessly just coz she's physically weaker than me
That shameful urge to drag people and slam them against things for not listening to me - it's scary and emerges when I'm mad at people closest to me and the most defenceless

Like today I was nice and pleasant all the way till 7.25 and then I became a demoness.  I literally dragged akshsua from room across the floor when she tripped to the kitchen to have her vitamins the shoved the spoon in so roughly and yelled at her

Monster or not???

God protect her please forgive me and let her enjoy her day in school despite such a rough start

Setting up the altar

Today i had the honour and pleasure of setting up our altar at home.samy cupboard

It was enjoyable meaningful gave me much to think about

Best thing about this move has been downsizing! So we can think deeply about what we need what we use and what dont

So today rather than just keep all that ive collected over the years i thought about which pics to put where which to put away so they are still with me just not outside

Vert satisfying though i know its not perfectly done

I thank god for giving me this chance to set up the altar with though - took me 2- 3 hours of uninterupted work! Happy now:)

Flashback friday

Found a treasure trove of pics in malars album! Riot of time over it in whatssap

How our lives have changed with email then facebook then whatssap!

Pongola pongal

Today was ponggal. Aishus first ponggal
By gods grace everything went well just that we finished dinner so late
I must remember ponggal takes 1.5 hour to make and then we pray anD the cooking before that takes at least three hours . So must  calculate backwards

But ok all ok in the end

Aish got her kicks from teasing the kolam out! She picked away my mums so akshsya did another and tgen at the end of the night she picked and even washed it away too! Shoukd have been warned by her silence hehe!

she has such a cheeky smile! Adorable doll! And shes learnt to say mum mum.

Long day though! Ponggak dinner at 9.30 bed by 10.30 aish threw up then bed 12.3sigh but you know wouldnt trade a second of this madness! 

ashatami, navami and tuesdays

I can't stand it
I don't understand it
I am tiny tiny tiny fighting things that I cannot undersand
I hate it

grandmother and mother in law could write a treatise on ashtami, navami and tuesdays, how you shouldn't start things on these days.
their definition of starting things is so annoyingly flexible and all encompassing
it even extends to washing dishes for an event

then I have my mother and husband, who have learnt to accept all things without question
they don't ask questions. they are eager to comply. not matter how ridiculous it sounds, like don't wash ponggal things on a tuesday coz its a tuesday or its astamai, or navami

so stupid
I don't understand
I can't ask those closest to me coz they don't understand. but they are happy to follow. what do I call them? sheep?

I could ask my grandmother and mother in law
thing is, I wouldn't understand their explanations either.

so... smile, shrug and pretend these three days don't exist.

who can't take it more

So who's the more affected?
the one who can't bear to leave things behind, or those who can't bear to take things with them
totally new perspective
maybe both in their own ways

everyday we witness history

History is unfolding around us every second
gunmen killed two cartoonists and 10 journalists for depicting the Prophet Muhamed.
As Alfian Sa'at asks, do they think God needs his puny creations to defend him? Rubbish.
God can take care of himself, and by golly, he's not so petty as to get offended by drawings.
but... gunmen kill cartoonists and actually have the effrontery to escape - these are not suicide bombers - they are just murderers.

A plane disappears into thin air - history

A civilian plane is shot down to death - history

Both Malaysian Airlines planes in the same year - tragedy

Rogue prime minster in Sri Lanka gets ousted - he killed the Tamil Tigers - war ending is good, but .. but but but... all that human rights violations... no answers to anything ...

People in Singapore stand up against the pulping of books - we care about books in singapore! yes. history.

Paternity leave in singapore - history

my sister in law tries to conceive a child but it turns out to be false? heart breaking

tragedy comes tall and short, large and small
waves hit us
waves
Tsunami 2004. Worst in the world. I lived so close to it. what the hell have I accomplished for having been chosen to survive it?

every second history is being made
what am I making?

Wretchedness

I don't like the wretchedness suggested by books and movies - that talk about staying together as. A couple or family as something so hard to so. Boring. No passion. Well duh! You gotta bring that passion in don't you! You gotta make the magic happen! 

Reading the zahir now. Annoying - the whole search for love even after marriage. 

naan merasalaiyitain

what a song!
it rocks and rocks and rocks  makes me want to keep moving in my seat beating rhythm
fabulous fabulous fabulous from a r rahman and that voice - anirudth! I love them both.

Hi 2015

Ok hope 2015 is a good year -  a much better year than the first two days! 

I got influenza. On New Year's Eve till today with bouts of shivering and feeling chill and plain miserable

Now aish and Ashwin both have fever:( 

My mum is so sick:( 

That's not good!!!

Praying for speedy healthy recovery for all! 

5 jan today. 

My legs feel leaden. They are a weight for me to lift

My eyes hurt to open