Sunday, March 27, 2022

lethargy

I have zero energy 
maybe I spent it all being hurt 
am glad I did not send that letter about how lonely I am..
turns out he had taken the trouble to wake up early for his jog so at night he can  be home 
hope things change
I'm not very hopeful but I should give him a chance 

Wednesday, March 23, 2022

today

today I've been down
and four friends and a tea man reached out to me
how great is that 

siva texted me to fix a walk on  sat morning 

subair called to chat and cheered me up loads. he was returning my call yesterday but still 

malar texted me about booking a hall for her son and reminded me of my writing and asked how I am 

sutha texted to ask how i was, I had texted her yesterday 

and the tea man remembered me and gave me a cup of tea for free coz he knew I had forgotten my tea earlier today. 

God is great and good

apptastic

there's an app for everything today 
for yoga
for meditation 
to express gratitude 
for diets

is there an app to ease loneliness 
to make you happy again

I don't really want to be in the same room as him

mental load emotional load

something to think about 

little acts of kindness

little acts of kindness can really touch us
the drink store man in the kopitiam in the hospital 
I ordered a teh o in the morning.  while waiting in line into disturbing news from akshaya 
and I forgot my tea and went up

later at 3.30 I went down and ordered another teh o
he remembered me and gave me a cup for free
he didn't have to do that 
that drink would have gone to waste anyway 
and he sees so many people how does he remember me
I'm touched. 

worries

let's talk about my worries that may have led to my outburst 

1. akshaya. I worry she is missing so much or may miss so much in life, like school and cca and performances. I worry how we can plan for any travel or anything, what if she gets a flare there

if she gets tired in half a day does thst mean we can only plan half day activities 

Tuesday, March 22, 2022

saros year as an iyer

Aishu asked him yesterday if he was an iyer
he lives from temple to temple 
and let's not kid ourselves
he ain't gonna stop next year magically 
Once that adrenaline kicks in he's not gonna get his fix till he over tops this too
like his running and his.watch 
one day he will get a health scare so bad he will slow down
then pick up again .he doesn't realise parenting and husbanding is sometimes just being around for boring stuff too . and nothing I can tell him is going to change his ways

just so funny though. even as a kid I wanted a husband who would be around in the evenings. I didnt want to marry a doctor coz he would busy all the time. selfish of me. 
and when I saw raghavendra I felt so sorry for the lady. and for Buddha 's wife. 
I always felt it a little more acutely than others I think 
perhaps I had always known
a premonition that my life too would be like that one day 

I could walk away and really do it on my own
but now I spend my money on the kids and he on the house 
so I live comfortably 
and him being around sometime is better than not at all
the kids do need a father 
so in balance better to stay together i guess
but I have no illusion of us getting more of his time. not now not later 
and when the kids are older maybe I can find my own way my own calling and we can live like two roommates. friendly strangers.  I might even find love again. when I don't have to pay for the kids or need his time with them. they will have both him and me and I can find a partner who loves me and finds me enough. 

let's be realistic though. I don't like sex. I like companionship . so maybe later on I can learn.to just be by myself or hang out with some friends who will still have me

I have no illusions about saro though. nothing is gonna stop him till something is too late. he needs thst kick of regret to slow him down and even that only for a while.  his health.  I dunno what else. death in the family maybe? if  die? Will he slow down for the kids I doubt it. my parents will help. 

if one of the kids die? 
I'll leave him for sure. 

fuck. 
.not a healthy way to be thinking first thing in the morning. 

I guess I'm really not okay. 
if I talk like this think like this I'm not cool 
but I don't wanna keep begging
I don't. 

God keep him and give me the strength to be a good parent to my kids 

I don't even have the energy to curse him. 
let him live well. you obviously believe I can do this. and you want him.. 
so be it. 





Monday, March 21, 2022

dear god

I love you God
why do we have pain and loss?.

my response

My response has been consistently have always been against war and uprooting of children
always been against aggressors who target civilians
over the years I recall times when I felt deeply about things 

1. when I found out about the polpot at the killing fields on a holiday to Cambodia in uni

2. when I found out about the Vietnam war on holiday in Vietnam 3 years ago

3. suffering of Iraq when us smashed them down in their hunt for their so called weapons of mass destruction 
I used to imagine what the shelling would be like how terrifying it would be to live there under threat of fire 

4. when I read lie down with lions and felt so much for what the people suffered 

5. when I read hunger games part 3 and associated it with the civil war in Sri Lanka and how I trembled at yhe footage and raw fear of the people 

6. how I've cried for what the Palestine people suffer 

7. and earlier on I shuddered at the violence people went through in Timor Leste

Syria 

and now Ukraine 

dear god

Dear God
how will this end? 

please stop the war
the bombing and killing of children
in Ukraine and everywhere else this is happening 
you made us capable of kindness, creativity and cruelty  
help our better sides prevail
you, who can do anything, who parted the seas for Moses and Krishna, please work your miracle now
can you please please please stop this war  now 
let Russia have crimea and donbass and stop shelling Ukraine now, please 
please
please 

Friday, March 18, 2022

mahabharata and Ukraine Russia war

I'm reading the children's version of stories from the mahabharata 
I find many parallels between the war now between Ukraine and Russia

to be honest I understand 
the mahabharata better in light of a real war I'm following 

e.g. 
1. both sides calling for allies. some pledging neutrality. 
2. arjuna's agony and zelensky saying his life feels worthless if he cannot stop deaths 
3. Great warriors like bhishma fighting for hastinapur but blessing pandavas.  so many Russian soldiers doing their duty but pained by it. Great Russian military leaders dying
4. the illusions cast by drona to confuse the enemy and Russia using some thing like that so Ukraine can't tell where the bomb will hit
5. the fact that pandavas and gauravas are cousins and Ukranians and Russians are closely tied like brothers 
6. I finally understand better krishna's call to arjuna to do his duty and fight. as much as it would hurt ukranians to fight the Russians whomnthey consider brothers they have to, defend themselves . before the war, zelensky appealed to the Russian people saying why would I want to attack this place ( where my best friends mum lives and dad is buried).but if it comes tonwar Russia would see ukranian faces not their backs.

I pray it does not go down to the level of chemical warfare. that their peace plan works and each side can accept some wins and losses 

can words end a war?
might cannot it seems 
so words 

zelensky's movingwords to appeal directly and specifically to each country brings him aid 

the only path to peace is talks, agreements. 

words are both powerful and fragile 

treaties have been broken before on both sides. how can they believe new ones? yet there is no choice but to try, with words to halt guns and bombs and missiles.

Thursday, March 17, 2022

zelensky speech to us congress

Now, I am almost 45 years old; today, my age stopped when the hearts of more than 100 children stopped beating. I see no sense in life if it cannot stop the deaths. And this is my main issue as the leader of my people, great Ukrainians.


i saw the video of destruction in Ukraine and i wept

kill me and you kill me once
kill my children my parents my family and I die a thousand deaths 

Wednesday, March 9, 2022

a beautiful day

it's a beautiful day in Singapore today
cloudy,shady, with the sun still visible above the clouds
green all around where I am walking, along Buangkok
and I can't stem the torrent of thoughts flooding my brain
what would it be like to be a Ukranian today, hiding in a  bunker 
dreading the sirens and whirrs and explosions of missiles 
or to be a Russian today at the supermarket in another country and find yourself unable to swipe your card to pay
I stand at the atm at Hougang 1 mall, and think
what if I try to draw money and nothing comes out
and now i have no means to buy bread 
or a Ukrainian I queue to buy bread a d get blown off my feet 
buying bread should not be this difficult 
not for Ukrainians who may jabe to dodge a bomb to do so
or for Russians whose cash is held in banks they can't access 

when I kiss my child bye bye as I drop her at primary school 
I wouldn't want to dream of having to rush back to find her because her school was bombed 
I don't want to know that terror
nobody does
to be a parent is already to inherit a lifetime of worry 
but to be a parent in wartime...

putin needs to go, be silenced forever 
he lies to his people 
his people are starving 
and he is warring 

for himself not his country 
not his country 
Ukrainians and Russians are like family brothers and sisters 

families fight but they don't war


Monday, March 7, 2022

War

The war by Russia against Ukraine is wrong 
as is Israeli occupation of Palestine
as was USA invasion of Iraq 
as is the Syrian War ( though I'm not sure who is responsible for what there) 
as is the Afghanistan War, and the Yemen War all of which I confess I know too little of to comment on, except that I know lives and livelihoods were destroyed and children's dreams broken.

We are not a peaceful race. 
We fight for territory,
beating our chests like our ape ancestors,
and we have shed the blood of our own, oceans of it, over the years.

We have lived in an uneasy peace since World War II, 
with the creation of the Brahmastra-like nukes,
with only pockets revelling in the display of the worst of humanity- 
think the Vietnam war, the Junta in Myanmar, the Polpot in Cambodia, the Rohingya crisis, rhe violent births of Pakistan and Bangladesh, Sri Lanka against the Tamil Tigers, the horror of the Apartheid, all these after we said "never again" after the Holocaust, 
more empty words there could never have been,

yet, an uneasy peace because somehow these seemed contained in smaller pockets of despair and tyranny. 

So what of Ukraine and Russia now? This war has shaken that 'peace". because Europe is involved again. The playground bullies have a common enemy, an enemy who is easy to hate, whom we have become used to seeing as the villain, to rally against. 
So here the world is against Russia, and for Ukraine.
That raises the stakes. Nearly everyone has been asked to/ made to choose sides (even Sweden, Switzerland, FIFA) . The echoes are uncanny.  The Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated and WWI started. 
The world ganged up against Germany and WWII started, with Hitler walking into Poland. 

So what now? The echoes are terrifying and the enemy is flirting with Brahmastras, shooting at it and around it, taking over it. USA and Russia dropping dangerous words like so many bombs. And for my part, I'm just angry . There are already so many refugees seeking safety, escaping war all over the world. Why create a new problem like this now? And wars last for a long time. How long will this war go on for? 

Ukraine represents something I think. 
We have their president reminding us of Churchill - a great war time leader though not in peace time. He too made mistakes but he inspired the world with his courage and his words. 

So perhaps Zelensky miscalculated in his wooing of the west and Europe, angering Big Brother Russia.

Even so

in war he is brave, at the front, inspiring, encouraging his people and the world,

and to praise Ukraine's efforts in fighting the war is not to discount other countries' struggles for their freedom.

I, in my small and insignificant capacity, condemn war all round. People deserve to live in peace, to call a space home and feel safe. 
That means rallying the better portions of who we are, to prevail over our lesser selves. The battle of good over evil, of decency over wickedness, kindness over selfishness starts within us. 

We, who live so safe here in Singapore, should never take it for granted.
When push comes to shove, how will we react? 
Will we rise to defend our country and or surrender as quickly as possible to minimise loss of life ? I've often wondered how I would respond and don't have high hopes for heroic actions on my part. 

No matter what his mistakes may have been, Zelensky is a leader to me, and the way his people fight an inspiration. 

Russia seems to want to keep Ukraine thumbed down. Should a small nation never aspire to rise above the position granted to it? Besides, can we blame Ukraine for wanting the protection of belonging to an organisation that may protect them after Russia walked into Crimea and took over it 8 years ago? To say the Crimeans wanted to be part of Russia is besides the point. If residents of Woodlands wanted to be part if Malaysia, would we be okay with Malaysia claiming Woodlands as their own? As Singapore we would have to engage with Woodlands to find out more and try to address their grievances. And as Malaysia they would have to alert us that Woodlands residents are feeling this way please act. not just take it! So Russia took Crimea but Ukraine is wrong to aspire to protection from such future acts? 

And even if he was wrong to ask, is war justified? is Russia right in walking into Ukraine to "de nazify" it and de-militirise it ?  'de nazify" is a gross misnomer, by the way, to describe Putin's actions. Perhaps the problem (dor Putin) in this case is how obviously he is playing his cards such that absolutely everyone can see through him. His "special military operation" is so clearly a walk in to take over the country, as he did in Crimea in 2014, also during the Winter Olympics. Other countries give vague reasons for their actions, and as appalling as they are, maybe somewhere, somehow, we can believe they believe in it or something. Here, it's different. Even I can see the set up!

Step 1: Amass troops around 3 sides of Ukraine. 
Step 2: Sign a non-agression treaty with China, to protect its back
Step 3: Recognise breakaway regions as independent.
Step 4: Give a long speech to imply Ukraine is not even a country and so if Russia walks in, that's not a hostile take-over, that's that Russia walking in its backyard
Step 5: Say breakaway region appealed for help, that a genocide is happening! 
Step 6: Move in with "peacekeeping troops"! 
Step 7: War

Steps 2 to 7 took less than a week! it was chilling to watch it unfold. Perhaps in other countries we don't see the build-up like this, as though we are watching a movie unfold before our very eyes. 

Perhaps the world can unite in this case because it is easy to hate Russia. they have been the outsider and 'bad guy' for so long (coz of the Cold War and Hollywood). It is harder for countries to say boldly that we think the USA is wrong or that Israel is wrong. Leaders have to protect their people and if that means kowtowing to the biggest kids in the playground so be it. It isn't fair. We have never lived in a fair world. 

By that same token perhaps Ukraine should have never dared to ask for Nato membership and so provoke Russia. But Russia's response is war. surely that is too much. You ask for membership and I give you war. Like Sita crossing that line and being banished forever eventually. Some mistakes are just catastrophic, not in themselves but in the response they provoke. 

Thus even after all this is said and done, I think Zelensky is a hero, for not taking it lying down, for fighting for the principle that men deserve to live free, 

and hopefully the world will remember how we responded to Ukraine and respond in kind when our 'friends' bully other countries too.


Friday, March 4, 2022

My Heart Bleeds v2

My heart bleeds for Ukraine 
the refugees created,
the threat of a nuclear war
hanging over our heads.

My heart beats for Zelensky
the power of his words
to move mountains and 
countries to his aid

My heart yearns for Krishna
to come fight alongside and for Ukraine and their leader,
clamp down on this beast that is Putin.

My heart is with all of them- 
the lady giving sunflower seeds to a Russian soldier
so life may bloom where he kills or dies.
the people giving Russian soldiers tea, food and a phone to call their mothers, 
the farmers digging trenches,
bartenders making Molotov cocktails,
the couples who marry and sign up for guns to defend their country in the same hour,
the soldiers who said " F you Russian Warship" when warned to surrender,
for the brave Russians protesting the invasion

for Zelenksy who asks Russian mothers to come claim their sons,
who tells America he needs ammunition not a ride,
who appealed directly to the Russian people to see him and his people and speak for him to their president, 
who has proclaimed that every square is Freedom Square
who has united a divided  world to fight for "life to triumph over death, and light over darkness" 
for the David roaring at Goliath to learn the word "reparations"
for the everyman appealing to every man to hear and see him and his countrymen fight this war that has landed on his shores..
Glory to Ukraine and
Peace onto the world 




heart bleeds

my heart bleeds for Ukraine 
the refugees created
the threat of a nuclear war
 hanging over our heads

my heart beats for Zelensky
the power of his words
to move mountains and 
countries to his aid

my hearts yearns for Krishna
to come fight alongside and for Ukraine and their leader 
clamp down on this beast that is putin 

my heart is with all of them- 
the lady giving sunflower seeds to a Russian soldier
so life may bloom where he kills or dies
the people giving Russian soldiers tea, food and a phone to call their mothers 
the farmers digging trenches
the couples who marry and sign up for guns to defend their country 
the soldiers on snake Island who said F you Russian Warship when warned to surrender
zelenksy who asks Russian mothers to come claim their sons
who tells America he needs ammunition not a ride
who appealed directly to the Russian people to see him and his people and speak for him to their president, 
who has proclaimed that every square is freedom square
who has united a divided  world to fight for life to triumph over death, and light over darkness 
for the David roaring at Goliath to learn the word reparations 
for the everyman appealing to every man to hear and see him and his countrymen fight this war that has landed on his shores 
Glory to Ukraine



Wednesday, March 2, 2022

Kyiv, Ukraine and Zelensky

I feel I am watching a massive tragedy unfolding before my eyes
Russia is even now sending a 65 km long convoy towards Kyiv. Singapore is 50 Km long. so this convoy is longer that the length of my country. 
it is heading towards the capital. 

What if David only beats the Goliath in stories and myths? 
We have the Ukrainians on one side, fighting for their right to he recognised as a sovereign nation. Their people, young couples who get married and pick up guns, their civilians learning to make moloktov cocktail bombs, their old men and women digging trenches in villages and patrolling, a tiny but resolute people led by an inspiring everyday hero, zelensky who says I need ammunition not a ride and appeals to hearts and minds to support their right to call their country home and defend it. 
what if... it all comes to nought . tactical attacks failed. so now the full might of Russia may come down on Ukraine. there will be a shell of a country for them to own and live on. 

the Russian warship that warned the people on snake Island to lay down arms and they day f you Russian warship and getting blown up and dying. 

the soldier who blew himself up along with a bridge to slow the Russian attack 

and the Russians are being told this is a military exercise a drill that Ukrainians want to be rescued. 

how will they feel to  know this that they are flattening another sovereign country without their full knowledge. pawns in a dangerous game