the world we live in

Is a harsh harsh harsh place

I am not sure the pu punishment the man is getting is commensurate with his crime

He was definitely rude and elitist

He felt entitled to have guests over the eve of a holiday at his condo 

He was flabbergasted that he had spent so much money and he can't even have his guest over the night before a festival

He said stupid things about living in a hdb. Doesn't even make sense coz at hdb surely your guests can come at 1030 and stay till late. No questions asked unless overly loud

Condos are less flexible 

But. 

He did wrong. Lost his temper 

Should he mocked and scolded by random strangers? 

Be called on the phone and bullied

His company asked to sack him? 

He is as Singaporean as the rest of us

The elitist comment by the school spokesperson at RGS 

How different? Just no vulgarities. 

The public shaming 

Man

Now we must say 

By the grace of God I was not photographed or videograhed when I behaved badly 

Who has never said things in.anger

Who among them is a saint? 

Frightening 

flash of blue

A flash of  blue

Lights up the scene 

of green, browns and 

midday traffic

Who are you 

And why are you here

So far from rivers, lakes, 

bodies of water 

for you to earn your name? 

of brothers and bedbugs

It's all in the mind

Ashwin feels there are bed bugs biting him 

I have seen two at least

So I am sympathetic towards him

Are there bugs? 

Not sure

Maybe maybe not

My brother. 

Sigh

It's my expectations 

I really wanted to see deepa

I'm hurt he didnt bring her

But that's taking things personally 

In the end our children are our problem

Like how I dont show pics of the kids on fb that much 

My wish my right.  To protect the kids. 

So he wishes to protect her. 

Anyway. No point keeping it all inside . 

He didnt show her to my parents for 9 months 

I can't remember the last time I saw her. Was not this year I think. I think I saw her st some function. There I entertained her. 

He turns up to talk to my dad.  Just him. 

Eosh he wouldn't leave us all out of it 

We would be happy to be part of deepa life and help her if he tells us how

How to let him know? 

Then I mentioned dr vella. They didn't seem happy I forgot. Or maybe I did it to hurt them

They went to the zoo instead of coming to my place for deepavali.  I lean really. That's what we have become. 

But it's his right. These events are stressful. All that comparing going on in his mind. 

I have enough to worry about. 

But I miss her. 

Ashwin wanted to talk to him. I didn't even tell them to come say bye

Guess I wasnt thinking

Or I was a bit sad mad

I had wanted to go 0ver to see them. Then I could have seen her. But he said he would come over. 

Then only he and rajee came

I like rajee

I wonder how she feels 

If she regrets marrying him

Or if they are happier now by far

That they hardly see us

Like maybe they've far away now maybe 

In another country. 

I have si much love to give children

My own 

Devi 's kid

Malar's kid

But I dont see deepa

I will  not beg

His daughter he can keep out of the worlds eye or just our eyes 

My dad. My mum. Myself  .the three greatest villains in his life. 

Wish he would move. Migrate. Get away. 

Sigh

My brother. Mine. I nust make the effort. 

Come to think of it

It's completely in character for him not to bring deepa anywhere 

I'm the one with unreasonable expectations. 

Where has he not brought her

Let me count the ways 

Not to the temple for aaya's function 

Not to aishu's birthday party 

Not to akshaya's party 

Not to dev's party 

Even he didnt come to kaavya's party. Said he came for her birth so it's enough. Didnt even call. 

He's fairly autistic himself I think I dint mean in a bad way. Just that he has his own way of seeing the world his own way of how things should work. 

We shouldn't talk to vendors. Nor to his maid. A control freak. Paranoid. Thinks the worst

 

How will things pan out?.

My bigger fear.. if I admit it.. 

Is the spectre of what may await me in the future

A child who is dead against me

One of my three precious children whom I thank God for every day and shower my love on

The horror of one of them one day not loving me

It's no rule that kids must love parents though

Parents have a duty to look after and bring up children 

Children... dont owe parents anything but duty. Not love. 

tired

I am so tired

highs and lows

Yesterday evening I was high. 

Today I am so low

Worried about who may have seen and commented on the draft. 

I feel I must do something damage control. 

God help me

Please help me God

Help me focus and be ready 

For what you would like me to do

Losing the fight

I have no fight in me now
Just
Tired
I dont want to.speak
I just want to finish my work and leave
Wish I hadn't said I'd be here to Jeff
I'm not well
Not sound of mind

Wish I hadn't said id have lunch with jj
Nothing
I dont confide my worries with people at work
Only angie maybe
Sigh

Lit teachers are not my babies
They are adults
They say what they want
And of the Gov wants to go after them
That's their problem not mine
I know not to rant in public
They can know it too surely

Not my problem

This country is my problem
What can I do?
Feel like I work among sycophants now
All hail the incomparable glory of our leaders
Truly we work in an echo chamber

Dangers

The dangers of a literature education
Beware
Beware
This subject makes you think
It equips you to read between the lines
So beware
It teaches you to value your opinion
So beware
It tells you to read the whole thing
Wait
Before drawing conclusions
Beware

Dangerous subjects for a totalitarian regime that wants you to believe the single story
Alternatives beware
Beware
Beware

Only 800
Cull them all
No great loss
Turn them into grammarians
No danger there
.
Words
Poetry
Drama
These smack of rebellion
So put then down
Kill them
And be free

Unsafe

I feel Singapore is unsafe
I've not felt it acutely before
I suspect people have felt this way all along
More in the 60s with the red fever around then

But today, 2019, I feel unsafe in Singapore

Unsafe to be a minority
I need to explain my birth here
My right to be be here

Unsafe to be seen at a play
Will that mark me as a rebel
Have to tell my friends not to post it or me on social media

Unsafe not just for me
For others
To Express their views
The machinations of state are behind those in power
Those without get crushed
Preetipls
Alfian
Low thia and sylvia and Preetam

What do they stand to gain by opposing the status quo
Why do they do it
Esp the last three
Opposition party
Like  death sentence

Here the powers that be
Name you
Enemy of the state
The rest shake their heads
Mutter under their breath
But set out the stakes
That keep that enemy out

In this country
You toe the line
Or else

You stand on shifting sands
Where a whisper can change policy
Yet you don't breathe a word
You learn to arrange your face
Take it all in
Make it all happen
And watch your soul die

Reading about vietnam

Any moment  now
I could stab someone
Someone could blow my insides up
rivers of blood could run

Decency is a veneer we wear in peacetime
Anytime the beast within
Can rear up and rip hearts and heads off
That is to be human
Not humane

The human being is a very different kind of animal
Capable of cruelty torture
Of causing despicable harm to the other

When reading about such wide scale killing and suffering
Holocaust. Vietnam war
The genocide in other parts
The ridiculous long civil war in Syria and Sri Lanka
Where is God
That image. Of a father running carrying his two year old daughter
Its heart breaking.
But for the grace of God go I
How could JFK sleep knowing he had authorised napalm on people?
How can any world leader sleep knowing he has killed instead of protected his people
Please let only noble minded people lead. Not selfish manipulative despots

Irrelevance

I tasted irrelevance today

'Dropping'them off at school
More like 'accompanying' them
Closer to 'following' them

The urge
In the pre teen
To assert her independence
Shows in her distance she keeps
Between herself, striding ahead
And me,
In her pretend deafness
To my crying out her name
To say bye
Her refusing a backward glance
To smile, acknowledge my presence

My 8 year old caught in
The 2 meter chasm between us
Wanting to be as cool as his sis
Yet
Feeling sorry for his mum

Trailing

behind

Anger

I am so angry
How dare these bloody white colonialists
Think they can waltz in again and take over a country
Why would they
Didnt theybhave enough rebuilding tondoninntheir own country
Maybe Hitler dodmt bombs themenoigh.they were an occupied people yearningnfornfreedom
How come they thought it's okay to occupy another people. Those who clearly dont want to he occupied
What resources did they have tha they wanted? Rice???? No oil no diamonds no gold.  For what
1945 Vietnam should have been I dependent. Instead they got ina war for 30 years. So furious.

Coffee shops

Are still safe places to let go over tea
Even by yourself
My ranting space
So I dont get too mad

Sometimes
I wonder if this is what it felt like to be living here in the 60s
When communism was the bad kid on the block

Now
Alfian
Preeti

People statng views opposite to Gov get stomped on

Addiction

I get why porn is an addiction
I have a narcissistic porn addiction now!
Yesterday night costume was the best. He didnt see it. So purely for my pleasure
My self objectification

A see thru maroon blouse and a tank top that I rolled to mini skirt with a gee string thong.

Just too sexy for words. Didnt even have to prop up my boobs they looked awesome as they were under that sheer top.

Sigh. 
I love my body.

Got a exfoliate my bum though

I did it again

Dressed in a super sensual saree and did a dance
Then used a belt to prop up my breats and slipped on tight pink slip g string and blue t9ghts
I looked hot
He came home and I opened it all dressed like a hot tramp
I had him at hello
He got aggressive
Pulled out my tights and tied me up
Hand behind my back
My nreasts thrust out
He licked and sucked and sticks his fingers into me and I couldn't stop him
The he Untied me
And I tied him up
Finally we did it.
It hurts a bit today. Good. Maybe that will cure me of my kama veri

I wore my g string and tights out. I tell you I looked and felt like a hot mama
Gonna wear tights with g strings all the time now. Red blue yellow white green... I have them in all colours.
Rpypd love to him beside me so he can pat and pinch and smack my.bottom as we walk

Afraid

I am genuinely afraid
Though I know the fears are baseless
That I  am a changed person
Sexually charged
That i don't know how to he a  mother any more
Only a slutty wife
I like bouncing around in my freed boobs
I fare people to look at me
An exhibitionist
My dreams are of his palms on my breasts 0
I touch myself and thrust my braless boobs out
I am drunk
My hand longs to slip under my shirt
To caress and feel.i devour slutty books now
At last

A walk

A walk just down to the park.in the tiny dress with no underwear

No bra.

Maybe to the beach

I shall buy a dress with a zipper down the front

Then I will wear the white tights and pink tee braless underwearless and do exercise. Get him to tie my hands behind my back for this dress.
Maybe will get the kids to bed early. Then wear the white tights and pink top and wait for him..

O I can wait for him in a silky sheer saree with nothing inside but a g string.

My next fantasy

I'm on the bed
Blind folded
Hands tied up
Chocolates on me
He tastes and bites
I cannot move or touch
He licks and rubs himself
He eats me and I suck him
Then he enters me while holding my breasts
Then he turns me around

Runs his finger down my crack
Enters from both front and back
He puts ice cubes on me
Touches me with various objects. Feathers. Lace. Tongue. Ice. Oil.
Moves inside me and out and in and out
Then stops.
Then fucks me again. Then stops.
Runs circles around my nipples and suddenly squeezes.
Holds me tight.  Leaves me helpless and longing.

On the plane

Walking beside her
His arms around her waist
Sliding his hands up and down he realised...
Nothing inside!
He cannot believe it
All the way to the runway
He walks beside her
Hands on bum and waist and hip
He cant keep his hands off her
How does it feel he asks
Walking around free like this
I like it she says
Knowing I'm turning you on
Two steps to the plane
His hands moves up
Realises the boobs are free too
He is so high
He forgets himself and gives her nipples a squeeze right then
The flight attendant was just a meter away
She beat his hand away
Subtle she warns him

They settle in their seats
Arrange pillows strategically
He reaches across to pull up the shades. His arms brushing across her nipples
He eyes her button down dress hungrily
As plane takes off
He slips his finger inside her
Deep. Deep. She struggles to not make a sound.
Gives her an orgasm right then
Then both fall asleep till flight attendant brings food
Both cant focus  
They keep leaning into one another and sighing
Till she puts her boobs back in so they can eat

Half way  thru the meal she pops them out again. He relentlessly rubs against her. Like they cant help it
She covers herself with her cardigan. Unbuttons one button. Guides his hand in for a last squeeze. He holds it and caresses it as she sighs.  She pops it back in. Slides across his lap. Her ass runs against his dick. She wears her panties again. Regretfully for the plane would land soon. One would think it would end
But the stewardess passes them a blanket.
She covers herself and leans on his shoulder.  He starts feeling her up again. Hands on boobs gently over her ass, her thighs side boob as the plane lands.  Squeezes and twist nipples. She drinks it in. Loving the feeling.
The holiday is ,about to end. She cautiously buttons up
Unbelievable plane ride. 
Under the blanket she had so wanted to undo every single button and surprise him. But she held back. Landing was too soon.
She looks forward to all kinds of long journeys with him. The longer the better.

The best

The best for me was the bus ride followed by the intense pleasure he gave me on the sofa. That was not even planned.
Build up was from 7 am
So a 7pm release is 12 hours of waiting

Even now I picture myself across his lap his fingers everywhere. I've never let him get in my back before. That day I was helpless.
I'm horny right now thinking about it.

It's got to me

I woke up at three am horny
I woke up again at 6am and stayed horny in the bathroom trying out outfits
At work and at lunch I let my boobs out of their bra and enjoyed myself rubbing my nipples against the table and pinching and touching myself. Squeezing my thighs.
I am a goner. A sex addict.
I shall be trying the dildo very soon.
Just went swinging on the bars of the treadmill in the gym.

Wake and fuck

I wanna wake him up and fuck him now
Since I couldn't I lay beside him  with my tee rolled up and my shorts rolled down
Just for some feels before I dreamt myself to sleep
Now its morning an i have four outfits
To wear to show myself off best
Underwearless and perky boobs up
How long will this rush last
I cant imagine
Enjoy
Outfit one
White tights
Pink tee

Outfit two
White tights
Sheer top

Outfit three
Slutty office suit

Outfit four
Far too tame

The holiday in snapshots

Day 1.
The bed. King sized. He over her. Hot hot hot.
Day 2
The cruise.
Shot one. The bathtub. Hands over breasts. Soapy.
Shot two. The deck. Hin behind her over the railing. No underwear..hot dick in the rear.
Shot three. The room. The doorway. The bed. The view
Day three. The game
Scarf across boobs and a gee string.
Steps. Cock in mouth.
Day 4.
Shot one the bus. Hands in tee on boob. Constant.
Shot two. The sofa. Fingers mouth everywhere.
Shot three. The sofa fuck.
Shot four. The dress with gee string. The lift. His hands on her in the crack.
Day five. The strip tease
Shot one. Hands above head the swinging dance
Shot two. The airport. Nothing inside. Hands on her all the time on the walk
Shot three.  The plane. Fingers inside her. She gets high
Shot four. Hand brushing over breasts over an over again
Hard to breathe
Shot five Blanket over them. Head on shoulders. His Hands all over her.

One fucking holiday.