Workshop

The 50 min workshop I did with solastri was good.
Good feeling in the room.
Always good to get together and talk about a poem and what you like about it
How to set it up
How to facilitate it
How to move from that to writing

Rebirth

Fascinating that for both kids
The first time they hear about rebirth they say they dont want it
Coz they don't want another mother
That's what aishu told me yesterday
I nearly cried

A few years back my ashwin said at around 5 years old also
That he didnt want to be born to another mom

I love my kids so much
And I love their love for one another
And seeing the state between my brother and me now and my parents and my brother

I am thinking this feeling of family love I see and have is super precious
For as long as it lasts we must treasure it

Emotional week

It's been an emotional week.
Mourning the passing of q close family friend
Reflecting on my relationship with my brother
And his with my parents

I wish him peace of mind
A steady belief in himself and God
Friends to help him tide this over
My relationship with him is almost non existent already
I am going to take the plunge and talk to him directly in a few weeks

Hey kanna
I know its been rough couple of years.
The only reason I called to speak to Deepa is coz you called to speak to Saro.
A rare species you, calling for birthdays instead of just messaging. .
I thought I would return the favour and call and speak to her directly.
Also had gifts for her birthday.
Havent seen her in months

I want to speak to you.
Let you know you can speak to me
Your worries for deepa
Your anxieties about aatha and appa
And if you dont want to talk that's fine to just saying I am here for you. I love you.

You've kept my secrets for me all my life
I will keep yours too. I wont be telling anyone anything. Not even appa and aatha.
In any case they dont pry. If anything at all they are just worried about you and miss you

From.akshaya

My trip to the botanic gardens

I saw
A bulbul Perched on a tree
A bumble bee dragging its
Feet on a walkway
Tiny fishes swimming in a pond
Sunlight filtering through the leaves

I hear
Crickets chirping
Dead leaves c
Red orange brown leaves
Littered the ground ¹q

I'm becoming arrogant

I'm starting to think I ican do any workshop better than others.
That's not good.
Be humble!

Peri uncle

For our dearest Peri Uncle

'Out, out, brief candle.'
Thank you for your light
May you rest in peace, always

Blessed are we
Who have been touched by you.
In your passing you have shown us
How to live.
Giving of yourself, all your life,
To the temple, your family, your friends,
A beaming smile, a little joke for everyone,
You made us feel special
Just by being you.

You left too soon.

Too soon, to say
Goodbye.
And now there is a gaping space
In the world, in your shape,
We sit numb.
Yet, you are all around us now,
You see us
Shedding silent tears
Over cups of coffee,
Remembering you.

You must know.

We love you.
We will miss you.
May God Bless you.

,,,,,,

Why so fast
Dear uncle?
A smile for every person
A kind word for each one
I hear you say my name
In a way only you can and do.

Could. did.

My dad's good friend
On trips to desaru. You
Taught us friendship fun love

Two stellar boys
The comic epic couple
Ribbing one another
Love

How could it be
Just the news of 6 months
Sent you
Our lion
To speedy close in 6 days?
Philosopher you.
What is 6 days week months
6 seconds is enough
And poof
You are gone
And we watch that space
Gaping
Holding our hearts wrenched from us by your passing

The set of friends here
Now slowly gathering
There
Meena aunty
Meyyappan uncle
Peri uncle

Slowly all going going gone

-----
Line to add

You left too soon
Too soon
To say goodbye

And now there is a gaping hole
In this world
In your shape

Unfillable
For you were a giant of  a man

Narcissism

We are in the age of narcissism
Where we take selfies and wefies
To prove a point
To ourselves others
That we matter we exist we are cool

We obsess over the moment

Affinity

They destroy my home
And call it
Affinity

Redevelopment / En bloc sales

They raze it to the ground
My home
And call it Affinity

My grandfather

He is quite the man
We keep talking and thinking about him recently
Yesterday I learnt that everyday he would go to Ramu's house to rest before he goes on to the rest of the day
I hadn't known that.
Been 15 years since his passing.
I wonder how he felt at my place.
Valued or like a burden?
I dont thinknwe made feel like a burden. But I dont how super warm and welcoming we were.
My dad would spend at least half hour a day with him every evening.
We gave him room his bathroom prayer room
Important festivals would be under his direction or blessings anyway.
Ponngal deepavali pillayar nonbu .
He likes his serials and some movies
I remeber vividly enjoying the movie priyamanavale with him
Me nursing my own heartbreak
Watching a couple break up and get together
Each word in the song weighted with meaning, for me
He just absorbed. What had he been thinking of?
First all for the girl
Then all for the boy
His emotions up and down at the directors call
It's the only movie I remember watching and enjoying with him
Other memories
As a 6 year old. Watching the advert for cod liver oil
Orange and black cover and an old man on it, silhouetted. Watching just a little afraid. And my grandfather lunging at me playfully. His eyes big.
A game for him and granddaughter.

I remember his love for the lottery
4d
Asking my brother and me for numbers
I'd always give him the number 3. My birthdate..and fav number of course.
He had lovely meaningful eyes
His eightieth birthday.
My parents in India getting me engaged.
And I nearly forgot his birthday.
He said he was going to the temple that morning. And it didn't occur to me why. Giddy as I was with new love , my to be engaged
Then at 8pm or so I remembered.
Got a cake. Called up my cousin
And had a surprise ready for him at around 10 or 11pm when he came home.
He was happy that day . Like a proper surprise. Where he thought people forgot his birthday. But hadn't.  Ha. Ot was his last birthday. 6 months to the date,  he passed on.

He never went to India, convinced that doing so would lead to his death. But he came for mine. And he did pass on.
Health? Age? Belief?
But I was blessed. So blessed. I received his  blessings. And my great grandmother's blessings too. And saro'a grandmothers blessings.
These count.  They do.
And he never badgered me about having a baby in the few months he was around after my marriage. Sep 5. He passed on on Jan 7. Aged 80 years and a half.

My son and i

Are cut from the same damaged cloth
Easily overwhelmed by the perfection and scorn of our loved ones around us
They who
Who always think of everything
Well in advance
And speak to the rest of us
With contempt

We are the ones
Who self flaggate
Blame ourselves
lose our cool
Get upset
Hurt

Also the creative ones
But does that count
In the face of perfect order?

My self loathing kills me

Girls burn brighter

Almost too much to believe

Willingly amputating an arm

Fake news

"In the United States, for example, a study showed that in 1958, 75 per cent of Americans trusted their government. But the figure has plunged to 17 per cent this year.
Similarly, trust in institutions, such as the media and the medical profession, is also on the decline among Americans"

That may be so. But is that due to fake news?

"Democracy is under serious threat. It is unwise for us to just watch and do nothing because it can sweep us over very quickly,” he said."

Irony? Defending democracy thru rules on fake news?
Clamping down on free speech and calling it defence of democracy?

"A pillar of a democracy is public discourse, which can only take place when there is “free, responsible speech”, Mr Shanmugam said.
And free, responsible speech has to be founded on facts"

Hello 1984. Free speech vs free responsible speech based on fact. Facts are decided by Gov

"When everyone can agree on the same set of facts, society can have diversity without conflict, and it allows for public participation while still getting decisions made.
“Without it, our political system will malfunction,” Mr Shanmugam warned.
Key to this is a responsible traditional media industry, he added"

To prevent collapse of political system. At last one line of truth.

What is a responsible traditional media industry? A state controlled one?

A SHARED REALITY – BUT IN WHOSE INTEREST?
In his speech on Tuesday, Mr Shanmugam stressed that like public infrastructure, society depends on an “infrastructure of fact” that gives society a “shared reality”, and that this shared belief in the same facts and truths is what helps democracies function.  
Assoc Prof Theseira argued, however, that when Governments make judgements about what constitutes this shared reality, that is inherently a political act.
“I do not mean they are always partisan acts, carried out for narrow political gain. A good Government would not act that way.  I trust that this Government wouldn’t,” he added.
“But they are political acts because they must serve the definition of public interest that the Government of the day believes in.”
He cited the example of Italian astronomer Galileo Galilei, who was put on trial by the Roman Inquisition of the Catholic Church because he found evidence to support the theory that the earth and other planets revolve around the sun — a theory accepted as fact now but which the Catholic Church at the time found to be “fundamentally incompatible with The Bible”.
“All Governments have a political objective to defend a shared reality that suits their interest. For example, the United States Environmental Protection Agency changes its views on the climate change science depending on who is President,” said Assoc Prof Theseira.
“Is it in the public interest for science to be unnecessarily determined by politics?”

Reflection

Okay

How can one odd comment about not breaking an umbrella make me put up my guard against my husband who is just back from the hospital?

Something is going on. With me. Not him .

If I let small things hurt me, I am taking myself too seriously.

If I love myself a comment like that wont hurt me

I know all this theoretically.  Yet. I am afraid of approaching him. Of letting my guard down. Of being snapped at.
How can I be like this.

It's TRUE I'm not letting him be himself. He cant be on eggshells around me all the time. That's no way to live.

But I dont know what I can do about it.
Actually maybe I do.
Yoga.  Meditation. Prayer.
These can help me rise above the daily mundane grind and see myself as part of something larger. And my role as giver and protector and not victim.  I will know my place and not let it myself bogges down.
Questions. Have I done right. Have I done enough. I suck. I'm not a good mum wife person
Anyone would love saro
No one would be able to live with me
My mess

These are the negative thoughts in my head
Doing no one any good.
Got to meditate and kick these things out if the window. 

Tough times

It's been a tough time
And I feel bad
Coz I'm not the one who's sick

Saro.
Weak back weak stomach
He's feeling bad
Was hospitalised with intense pain

Stats

I dont want to be just another statistic
Indian Male family with heart problem
Diabetes

The sadness tha lingers
When someone calls out for a relative of the hospitalised
Only to learn there isn't one