my thoughts my company

My thoughts are my company this bus journey 

When I would rather not dig out my book to read pr my laptop to work or my phone to watch something on netflix

ee cha kway dreams

Stuck in a windowless room on a windy  day,

The heart yearns for ee cha kway

I can't spell it but to want to eat it

I can just about imagine it

The deep fried stretchy dough 

Greasing my fingers...

The soft inside a comfort I long for

Oh to bite off a hunk of ee cha kway

this cold december afternoon 

The crispy outside the soft doughy inside, he grease stained paper holding it,  oiling you palm as you chomp your way thru it

How I long to bite off a hunk of ee cha kway this cold december afternoon 

english without lit

The study of english language without literature is like having plain rice for lunch everyday

Necessary but bland, and short on vitamins if I may add 

Literature completes the meal with taste and nutrition 

People can actually enjoy a good rich life without the rice.  

But plain rice is plain boring. 

Nice once in awhile comforting. But that's it. 

What kind of language teachers talk about language without literature? 

prisoners of our own experience

Prisoners of our own experience 

We expect the future to unfurl like the past

To be able to manage things the way we always have

love of my life

The little one

She is the love of my life

The glue that gels the family 

The brothers brother and the sisters sister 

The little one who holds the key to her daddy's hear

Who makes us all better people just by being her and in this world 

I love her

crown

The crown season 3 is disappointing

I miss claire foy and prince Philip's o much these new actors are lifeless. 

let me be atrong

A period of trial is coming my way

I need to start meditating to keep my strength

My symposium and blau

My ministers foolish reaction to alfian

My study trip

My ss level 2? 

Pei yong

Mtr

Full sbb

Just please help me god

farewells

The season for farewells are here

So many great colleagues going away

I will miss them

But I'm also excited about new colleagues joining

About forming new teams 

Exciting

 How will we keep the culture here? 

What Leo said about me

I'm gung ho.i am not afraid to try new things and make mistakes

I cry for lit. I.e. I care deeply about the subject 

helpless

I feel utterly useless in art class. Haha. Confronted with a hyper distracted 4 year old who is hard of hearing, I could do nothing. 

I must get her to take a snack after this

tired

Why am I so tired 

Why do I not do yoga when I know I will feel better 

I feel so energy less

Am terrified. 

Of all the work to come that I may not be able to do well

I pray prof blau is well. God please keep him hale and healthy. Please God. 

Thank you God for

Being at the symposium 2020 already. 

For being with blau and keeping him healthy 

For being with us as we organise the event 

For being with each and every teacher presenter and speaker and workshop facilitator 

For making the event a resounding success that is meaningful to  everyone involved 

For being with e very teacher participant 

For the excellent food

The lovely gifts andbooks 

For every single thing ( those I've mentioned and those I've not) 

Thank you god

approaching 50

At 22, 30 seemed far away

At 42, 50 seems like tomorrow

beautiful lines

Does a poet dream in verse

What if God popped out a book we read aloud

Would he feel proud 

Every hair on my body 

Jumped as if it were old dust on a drum skin (ted hughes )?

guns again

Yesterday I shared just another manic Monday

Today us a different day 

----

Every country has its crazies

Only here can they get a gun so easy 

Tackle mental health, please do

But make it hard to get a gun too

Why do you need guns anyway?  

Kids hiding under desks and chairs

Thankful it's not them, not today

This is the life you would lead

Rather than take action and remove the gun

To shoot deer and bears, and a kid a day

How will you "tackle" mental health anyway?

Might you pin it down, take a swipe at it? 

For the gun, just take it off the shelf, hey

Trust your police to protect you 

state of the world

It's just another manic Monday 

Britain asks for Brexit deal and gets a new PM every three months 

Us sees a school shooting coz, well guns in the hands of a 16 year old, yeah why not . A menace of their own making

Us seems to get into things without knowing how or when to get out

war

War is like a game to some 

The bombs you drop not different from those dropped in video games 

Ebay life lost matters to someone

A son a daughter a father a mother

A brother a sister a husband a wife

A friend 

How can loves be so dispensable..that yoinsendnone in everyone one dies 

And how can you only pick up your dead and leave your comrades . 

And when that happened, why did the south continue to fight 

Why didnt the north just adopt the south

And .. are the American watching the documentary? To avoid these mistakes in the gulf and Syria and God knows where else? 

boss

Boss oh boss

-We shall miss your stories more than we saw pretend to scoff at them but look forward to them eqxh month

-Will it be about a lizard hanging on for dear life on a windshield, resisting being pulverised

Or about your displacement theory about clean water displacing dirty water 

Sorry we never went on that personal grooming course you so wanted 

We did go formula 1 racing and we made some mean prata and some misshapen earthenware that turned out Surprisingly well shaped

We also drank tea and dabbled in water colour and fumbled in the dark with just

Good times

You made us a unit to be reckoned with and for that we thank you

Guiding us thru MTr and ftr for both el and lit! No mean feat. 

Your eye for design and aesthetics much appreciated

We will miss you more than you know

Clearr 

Lighthouse 

*Leonard’s Time*

_What you are is CLEARR to see:_

_A lighthouse keeping watch at sea_

_Ever the family man at heart_

_you’ve turned water displacement into an art._

_For a man who doesn't eat a lot_

_You sure do carry a ton of SALT;_

_And you've been steady as a clock_

_Like some tailor in Bangkok;_

_You say you want to send us all a-grooming_

_Yet grooming us is all you've been doing;_

_Like a lizard unafraid of wind_

_You've stuck by us through thick and thin

You go-karted us through tea and prata

Pity we couldn't go to Malaysia

You leave us a unit tight and strong 

Now we find it hard to say farewell, so long

You paved the way for our subjects to soar

Watching our back, in this season and more

Walking with us side by side

Bringing the unit both LuRF and pride

Suggestion for last stanza:

When you came here you were SAD,

But you built a team to make us all glad;

Now you are absolutely swell as DDELL 

May your path ahead ever be joyous and well

For these words wing our best wishes to you;

May the sun smile down daily on you

_When you came you were made SAD;_

_Now you leave us billed as DDELL;_

_May joy to all your work be wed_

_and all your endeavours turn out swell!_

Each line 7 to 8 syllables.rhyme. 

to do

My to do list unfurls like a ribbon

In all the colours of a rainbow

spiraling 

out or control. 

the world we live in

Is a harsh harsh harsh place

I am not sure the pu punishment the man is getting is commensurate with his crime

He was definitely rude and elitist

He felt entitled to have guests over the eve of a holiday at his condo 

He was flabbergasted that he had spent so much money and he can't even have his guest over the night before a festival

He said stupid things about living in a hdb. Doesn't even make sense coz at hdb surely your guests can come at 1030 and stay till late. No questions asked unless overly loud

Condos are less flexible 

But. 

He did wrong. Lost his temper 

Should he mocked and scolded by random strangers? 

Be called on the phone and bullied

His company asked to sack him? 

He is as Singaporean as the rest of us

The elitist comment by the school spokesperson at RGS 

How different? Just no vulgarities. 

The public shaming 

Man

Now we must say 

By the grace of God I was not photographed or videograhed when I behaved badly 

Who has never said things in.anger

Who among them is a saint? 

Frightening 

flash of blue

A flash of  blue

Lights up the scene 

of green, browns and 

midday traffic

Who are you 

And why are you here

So far from rivers, lakes, 

bodies of water 

for you to earn your name? 

of brothers and bedbugs

It's all in the mind

Ashwin feels there are bed bugs biting him 

I have seen two at least

So I am sympathetic towards him

Are there bugs? 

Not sure

Maybe maybe not

My brother. 

Sigh

It's my expectations 

I really wanted to see deepa

I'm hurt he didnt bring her

But that's taking things personally 

In the end our children are our problem

Like how I dont show pics of the kids on fb that much 

My wish my right.  To protect the kids. 

So he wishes to protect her. 

Anyway. No point keeping it all inside . 

He didnt show her to my parents for 9 months 

I can't remember the last time I saw her. Was not this year I think. I think I saw her st some function. There I entertained her. 

He turns up to talk to my dad.  Just him. 

Eosh he wouldn't leave us all out of it 

We would be happy to be part of deepa life and help her if he tells us how

How to let him know? 

Then I mentioned dr vella. They didn't seem happy I forgot. Or maybe I did it to hurt them

They went to the zoo instead of coming to my place for deepavali.  I lean really. That's what we have become. 

But it's his right. These events are stressful. All that comparing going on in his mind. 

I have enough to worry about. 

But I miss her. 

Ashwin wanted to talk to him. I didn't even tell them to come say bye

Guess I wasnt thinking

Or I was a bit sad mad

I had wanted to go 0ver to see them. Then I could have seen her. But he said he would come over. 

Then only he and rajee came

I like rajee

I wonder how she feels 

If she regrets marrying him

Or if they are happier now by far

That they hardly see us

Like maybe they've far away now maybe 

In another country. 

I have si much love to give children

My own 

Devi 's kid

Malar's kid

But I dont see deepa

I will  not beg

His daughter he can keep out of the worlds eye or just our eyes 

My dad. My mum. Myself  .the three greatest villains in his life. 

Wish he would move. Migrate. Get away. 

Sigh

My brother. Mine. I nust make the effort. 

Come to think of it

It's completely in character for him not to bring deepa anywhere 

I'm the one with unreasonable expectations. 

Where has he not brought her

Let me count the ways 

Not to the temple for aaya's function 

Not to aishu's birthday party 

Not to akshaya's party 

Not to dev's party 

Even he didnt come to kaavya's party. Said he came for her birth so it's enough. Didnt even call. 

He's fairly autistic himself I think I dint mean in a bad way. Just that he has his own way of seeing the world his own way of how things should work. 

We shouldn't talk to vendors. Nor to his maid. A control freak. Paranoid. Thinks the worst

 

How will things pan out?.

My bigger fear.. if I admit it.. 

Is the spectre of what may await me in the future

A child who is dead against me

One of my three precious children whom I thank God for every day and shower my love on

The horror of one of them one day not loving me

It's no rule that kids must love parents though

Parents have a duty to look after and bring up children 

Children... dont owe parents anything but duty. Not love. 

tired

I am so tired

highs and lows

Yesterday evening I was high. 

Today I am so low

Worried about who may have seen and commented on the draft. 

I feel I must do something damage control. 

God help me

Please help me God

Help me focus and be ready 

For what you would like me to do

Losing the fight

I have no fight in me now
Just
Tired
I dont want to.speak
I just want to finish my work and leave
Wish I hadn't said I'd be here to Jeff
I'm not well
Not sound of mind

Wish I hadn't said id have lunch with jj
Nothing
I dont confide my worries with people at work
Only angie maybe
Sigh

Lit teachers are not my babies
They are adults
They say what they want
And of the Gov wants to go after them
That's their problem not mine
I know not to rant in public
They can know it too surely

Not my problem

This country is my problem
What can I do?
Feel like I work among sycophants now
All hail the incomparable glory of our leaders
Truly we work in an echo chamber

Dangers

The dangers of a literature education
Beware
Beware
This subject makes you think
It equips you to read between the lines
So beware
It teaches you to value your opinion
So beware
It tells you to read the whole thing
Wait
Before drawing conclusions
Beware

Dangerous subjects for a totalitarian regime that wants you to believe the single story
Alternatives beware
Beware
Beware

Only 800
Cull them all
No great loss
Turn them into grammarians
No danger there
.
Words
Poetry
Drama
These smack of rebellion
So put then down
Kill them
And be free

Unsafe

I feel Singapore is unsafe
I've not felt it acutely before
I suspect people have felt this way all along
More in the 60s with the red fever around then

But today, 2019, I feel unsafe in Singapore

Unsafe to be a minority
I need to explain my birth here
My right to be be here

Unsafe to be seen at a play
Will that mark me as a rebel
Have to tell my friends not to post it or me on social media

Unsafe not just for me
For others
To Express their views
The machinations of state are behind those in power
Those without get crushed
Preetipls
Alfian
Low thia and sylvia and Preetam

What do they stand to gain by opposing the status quo
Why do they do it
Esp the last three
Opposition party
Like  death sentence

Here the powers that be
Name you
Enemy of the state
The rest shake their heads
Mutter under their breath
But set out the stakes
That keep that enemy out

In this country
You toe the line
Or else

You stand on shifting sands
Where a whisper can change policy
Yet you don't breathe a word
You learn to arrange your face
Take it all in
Make it all happen
And watch your soul die

Reading about vietnam

Any moment  now
I could stab someone
Someone could blow my insides up
rivers of blood could run

Decency is a veneer we wear in peacetime
Anytime the beast within
Can rear up and rip hearts and heads off
That is to be human
Not humane

The human being is a very different kind of animal
Capable of cruelty torture
Of causing despicable harm to the other

When reading about such wide scale killing and suffering
Holocaust. Vietnam war
The genocide in other parts
The ridiculous long civil war in Syria and Sri Lanka
Where is God
That image. Of a father running carrying his two year old daughter
Its heart breaking.
But for the grace of God go I
How could JFK sleep knowing he had authorised napalm on people?
How can any world leader sleep knowing he has killed instead of protected his people
Please let only noble minded people lead. Not selfish manipulative despots

Irrelevance

I tasted irrelevance today

'Dropping'them off at school
More like 'accompanying' them
Closer to 'following' them

The urge
In the pre teen
To assert her independence
Shows in her distance she keeps
Between herself, striding ahead
And me,
In her pretend deafness
To my crying out her name
To say bye
Her refusing a backward glance
To smile, acknowledge my presence

My 8 year old caught in
The 2 meter chasm between us
Wanting to be as cool as his sis
Yet
Feeling sorry for his mum

Trailing

behind

Anger

I am so angry
How dare these bloody white colonialists
Think they can waltz in again and take over a country
Why would they
Didnt theybhave enough rebuilding tondoninntheir own country
Maybe Hitler dodmt bombs themenoigh.they were an occupied people yearningnfornfreedom
How come they thought it's okay to occupy another people. Those who clearly dont want to he occupied
What resources did they have tha they wanted? Rice???? No oil no diamonds no gold.  For what
1945 Vietnam should have been I dependent. Instead they got ina war for 30 years. So furious.

Coffee shops

Are still safe places to let go over tea
Even by yourself
My ranting space
So I dont get too mad

Sometimes
I wonder if this is what it felt like to be living here in the 60s
When communism was the bad kid on the block

Now
Alfian
Preeti

People statng views opposite to Gov get stomped on

Addiction

I get why porn is an addiction
I have a narcissistic porn addiction now!
Yesterday night costume was the best. He didnt see it. So purely for my pleasure
My self objectification

A see thru maroon blouse and a tank top that I rolled to mini skirt with a gee string thong.

Just too sexy for words. Didnt even have to prop up my boobs they looked awesome as they were under that sheer top.

Sigh. 
I love my body.

Got a exfoliate my bum though

I did it again

Dressed in a super sensual saree and did a dance
Then used a belt to prop up my breats and slipped on tight pink slip g string and blue t9ghts
I looked hot
He came home and I opened it all dressed like a hot tramp
I had him at hello
He got aggressive
Pulled out my tights and tied me up
Hand behind my back
My nreasts thrust out
He licked and sucked and sticks his fingers into me and I couldn't stop him
The he Untied me
And I tied him up
Finally we did it.
It hurts a bit today. Good. Maybe that will cure me of my kama veri

I wore my g string and tights out. I tell you I looked and felt like a hot mama
Gonna wear tights with g strings all the time now. Red blue yellow white green... I have them in all colours.
Rpypd love to him beside me so he can pat and pinch and smack my.bottom as we walk

Afraid

I am genuinely afraid
Though I know the fears are baseless
That I  am a changed person
Sexually charged
That i don't know how to he a  mother any more
Only a slutty wife
I like bouncing around in my freed boobs
I fare people to look at me
An exhibitionist
My dreams are of his palms on my breasts 0
I touch myself and thrust my braless boobs out
I am drunk
My hand longs to slip under my shirt
To caress and feel.i devour slutty books now
At last

A walk

A walk just down to the park.in the tiny dress with no underwear

No bra.

Maybe to the beach

I shall buy a dress with a zipper down the front

Then I will wear the white tights and pink tee braless underwearless and do exercise. Get him to tie my hands behind my back for this dress.
Maybe will get the kids to bed early. Then wear the white tights and pink top and wait for him..

O I can wait for him in a silky sheer saree with nothing inside but a g string.

My next fantasy

I'm on the bed
Blind folded
Hands tied up
Chocolates on me
He tastes and bites
I cannot move or touch
He licks and rubs himself
He eats me and I suck him
Then he enters me while holding my breasts
Then he turns me around

Runs his finger down my crack
Enters from both front and back
He puts ice cubes on me
Touches me with various objects. Feathers. Lace. Tongue. Ice. Oil.
Moves inside me and out and in and out
Then stops.
Then fucks me again. Then stops.
Runs circles around my nipples and suddenly squeezes.
Holds me tight.  Leaves me helpless and longing.

On the plane

Walking beside her
His arms around her waist
Sliding his hands up and down he realised...
Nothing inside!
He cannot believe it
All the way to the runway
He walks beside her
Hands on bum and waist and hip
He cant keep his hands off her
How does it feel he asks
Walking around free like this
I like it she says
Knowing I'm turning you on
Two steps to the plane
His hands moves up
Realises the boobs are free too
He is so high
He forgets himself and gives her nipples a squeeze right then
The flight attendant was just a meter away
She beat his hand away
Subtle she warns him

They settle in their seats
Arrange pillows strategically
He reaches across to pull up the shades. His arms brushing across her nipples
He eyes her button down dress hungrily
As plane takes off
He slips his finger inside her
Deep. Deep. She struggles to not make a sound.
Gives her an orgasm right then
Then both fall asleep till flight attendant brings food
Both cant focus  
They keep leaning into one another and sighing
Till she puts her boobs back in so they can eat

Half way  thru the meal she pops them out again. He relentlessly rubs against her. Like they cant help it
She covers herself with her cardigan. Unbuttons one button. Guides his hand in for a last squeeze. He holds it and caresses it as she sighs.  She pops it back in. Slides across his lap. Her ass runs against his dick. She wears her panties again. Regretfully for the plane would land soon. One would think it would end
But the stewardess passes them a blanket.
She covers herself and leans on his shoulder.  He starts feeling her up again. Hands on boobs gently over her ass, her thighs side boob as the plane lands.  Squeezes and twist nipples. She drinks it in. Loving the feeling.
The holiday is ,about to end. She cautiously buttons up
Unbelievable plane ride. 
Under the blanket she had so wanted to undo every single button and surprise him. But she held back. Landing was too soon.
She looks forward to all kinds of long journeys with him. The longer the better.

The best

The best for me was the bus ride followed by the intense pleasure he gave me on the sofa. That was not even planned.
Build up was from 7 am
So a 7pm release is 12 hours of waiting

Even now I picture myself across his lap his fingers everywhere. I've never let him get in my back before. That day I was helpless.
I'm horny right now thinking about it.

It's got to me

I woke up at three am horny
I woke up again at 6am and stayed horny in the bathroom trying out outfits
At work and at lunch I let my boobs out of their bra and enjoyed myself rubbing my nipples against the table and pinching and touching myself. Squeezing my thighs.
I am a goner. A sex addict.
I shall be trying the dildo very soon.
Just went swinging on the bars of the treadmill in the gym.

Wake and fuck

I wanna wake him up and fuck him now
Since I couldn't I lay beside him  with my tee rolled up and my shorts rolled down
Just for some feels before I dreamt myself to sleep
Now its morning an i have four outfits
To wear to show myself off best
Underwearless and perky boobs up
How long will this rush last
I cant imagine
Enjoy
Outfit one
White tights
Pink tee

Outfit two
White tights
Sheer top

Outfit three
Slutty office suit

Outfit four
Far too tame

The holiday in snapshots

Day 1.
The bed. King sized. He over her. Hot hot hot.
Day 2
The cruise.
Shot one. The bathtub. Hands over breasts. Soapy.
Shot two. The deck. Hin behind her over the railing. No underwear..hot dick in the rear.
Shot three. The room. The doorway. The bed. The view
Day three. The game
Scarf across boobs and a gee string.
Steps. Cock in mouth.
Day 4.
Shot one the bus. Hands in tee on boob. Constant.
Shot two. The sofa. Fingers mouth everywhere.
Shot three. The sofa fuck.
Shot four. The dress with gee string. The lift. His hands on her in the crack.
Day five. The strip tease
Shot one. Hands above head the swinging dance
Shot two. The airport. Nothing inside. Hands on her all the time on the walk
Shot three.  The plane. Fingers inside her. She gets high
Shot four. Hand brushing over breasts over an over again
Hard to breathe
Shot five Blanket over them. Head on shoulders. His Hands all over her.

One fucking holiday.

My dirty thoughts

In a blue button down dress
I wish my brests were free
My underpants not there
Maybe I will take them off and see how I feel
Be right back

Right am back
No underwear slip
It's a button down dress
So quite easy to feel without drawing too much attention
Need to give the guy a break
So will introduce him to the possibilities after take off
The bra. Ha. Have moved it such that they are perky but not sheathed. Nice and pointy and easy to feel.
I feel sext and slutty.  I'm on holiday so why not.
This new sex drive. Ooh la la

Hes getting suspicious.
Darn.
Got to keep a lid on the sexiness

What o would like him to do on the plane
Run his arms against me
Slips his fingers through the button down dress
Feel my belly
Thighs
Slowly part things and feels me
All the while no one must know
I have to keep my face impassive
Pretend to read
Let him turn me on

I cant take it
I am so hot for him
I finally understand how films can portray women as super horny

I like silky dresses.
Gonna buy a lot more
Never gonna wear underwear when we go out

On the sofa

Back in the room
Feeling hot
Unbuttoned her shirt
Peeled off her tank top
Sat there in her sports bra and jeans
They played a game. Figuring out a wooden puzzle
Done!
They looked at each other
Let's have a shower and head out for a drink
Ok
He looked at her
Leaned over and placed a kiss on the top of her right breast.
Bit salty he said
Suddenly he popped her breast out of the sports bra. Then the other .
He tugged at her jeans and she obliged, slipping them off flinging them to a corner
She sat there on the sofa, in her sports bra and nothing else, her breasts spilling out, like fruit on a platter.
Then he pulled her onto his lap, facing him.
Her bare bums on his thighs. His hands all 9ver her. No time to act ir breathe.
She arched her back
His Left hand closed on right breast
Lips closed on the left
Right hand moved down down exploring slowly parting
She groaned. After the bus now this
Suddenly his fingers pushed into her front ... and back.
Every part of her engaged she shuddered. No room to protest.
Helpless she arched and caved and arched and caved as he thrust and sucked and squeezed
Beads of sweat on his forehead as they both breathed hard
Dont stop she pleaded. Stop she pleaded. He just kept at it till she could take it no more

Deep breaths
Wiping off the sweat
he threw her on the sofa and straddled her.
Her legs high in the air the  almost over her head
He took her then
Again.
A pre drink fuck
Quick and dirty
She was his sex toy and loving it
Had a quick shower and slipped on the g string
A silky dress over it. Short.
And headed out
His hand on her ass.
Her nipples erect
They crossed the street
Laughing in the wind
Thinking dirty dirty thoughts

Lets

Talk about this morning
A silky belt looped across her breasts
Barely holding them in
Side views and front
Her baggy pants hugging close
She swing her hips suggestively as he took snap after snap
Peekaboo
Peek a boob
He took her scarf and tied her hands up high to the railing
Cupped her breasts and fingered her
She writhed in delight
Her breasts broke free
And he touched her and felt her up. Hugged her. Touched her breasts. Pressed her to him. Let her feel his cock. Stuck his fingers inside her
Her hands high above her
She raised her legs and spread them wide one onthe coffee table one on the sofa and he entered her while she was suspended in air gripping her butt and thrusting inside her.
Then he released her and sat himself down on the stairs
She bent over him and licked his balls his cock
Moved to the sofa and he took her from behind
Then she straddled him and went up and down
Then she sat facing away from and up and down
They could go on forever
This fucking holiday
He turned her back and finished the job
Slapping  her butt every now and then
She sighed and moaned..he cried out and they were done
The last for this holiday?
Maybe so

There was still the flight. Some feeling up to do
After all she was his and he hers
All she can think of is how to fuck him
Five days in a row without a break

The bus ride

A long day out
Boating
Cycling
All with one thought in her mind
Only
The bus.
Time to take action
She turned to face the window
Slipped her breast out of the bra
Turned back to face him
What have you done he asked
I know that look
Nothing she said and turned back
Just to check he put his arm around her waist
Moved it slowly up
No one could see what one hand was doing
The other was fiddling  the phone in plain sight
The one
Moved up
Up
Felt an erect nipple and stopped

Oh

She led his hand under her shirt
The fingers teasing f
Drawing circles around her nipple
Felt it harden
Held it between his fingers
Squeezed
A tiny gasp
She squirmed
She was hot
So hot for him
He kept his hand there. Pressing squeezing playing turning touching
She could hardly bear it

A break. 2 more hours to go. He couldnt wait.
This time she unbuttoned the top of the shirt. He took a deep look t her cleavage. Brests in but bursting..
His hand wandered over. Under the shirt. Felt it covered.
Nothing doing.
he pulled the bra down himself and took it out.
Held it. Fondled it. Tried to reach down but she stopped him.
To make up for it she turned and popped the other breast out of the bra
Shirt still on so no one knew

He moved his fingers across.both nipples
In the bus
Full of people
Nothing she could do
Take a break
She led his hand to point out the sun set
His arms brushing her erect nipples
Back and forth
Oh
And again and again
She was wet for him but could do nothing much
Breathless hard excited
The bus ride

So h

I am so horny
All I think of
Day after day
Night after night
Every waking minute
Is
How should I seduce my husband today?
What shall I wear and how shall I wear it
What should we do and how should we do it
Front or back
Me on top or below
Tied up or blindfolded
Wear a gee string or nothing at all

Who is this sexual being and where has she been
Where will she go once the flight lands?

Let's live in the now
And after my shower
I wear a cloth belt across my boobs
Ali baba pants hugging the waist
A red cardigan
And I dance to sensual stripping music

At least that's the plan

A game

Black Jack@
She giggled and slipped 0ff his yellow shirt she had been wearing
Now in white tank top and flirty bedroom shorts
She arched her back and said deal again
Black Jack she called out
He peeled his tee off, wearing only a tie and his berms.
This was fun they thought
Black Jack he said grinning
Oh she said, biting her lips
Which should it be?
He ran his eyes up and down and said, the shorts
She had thought it would be the top
Oh well.she slid her shorts off and he gasped
A tiny g.
They continued
Black Jack.again! She squealed! You just be cheating.
Just luck baby he  said. The top.
She turned around. Slowly sliding her tank top off, over her head
He took in her smooth back the tiny g string covering next to nothing.
A scarf tied across her breasts . The tease!
She crossed her legs and arched her  back and he clicked a shot.
He dealt again. His throat dry.
Black Jack.
She hugged a pillow to her and pulled away her scarf.
He took in a deep breath and dealt again black Jack
It was over.
I won.you dance for me
He went down the stairs to watch
She turned and swayed to the sound of the Spanish guitar thru the loft bed railing
This was too hot.
She sat on the step.
He moved over her.
She turned him around and leaned over him
Her breasts and nipples swaying over him all down his body. She stopped near his cock and took him in her mouth
. He groaned and arched his back, feeling her nipples on his thighs as she sucked him
They crawled up to the bed panting for the other. She still in her g string he oiled his dick and she straddled him
Facing him. They moved in unison.
Another night another fuck.

That night as they slept
She moved closer to him. She took his hand and placed it on her breast. He squeezed. She  gasped. They fell asleep.

On a cruise

Turn away she said
In one quick fluid movement she pulled our her tights and panties and stuffed them into her sling bag
The night was cool under her silky sleeveless dress
She lat back on the deck chair and said you can look now
He took in her long legs glistening under starlight and hopped in next to her
That's much better he whispered as he licked her ear

She let him lie back and she sat up beside him
He didnt know yet she thought smiling secretly.
His hand moved to caress her waist
And he took in a sharp breath of air
Oh he said
Talre a wall he instructed
She stood up and swayed suggestively to the railing and leaned over
The sea was calm . Quiet.
Suddenly she felt him behind her.
He pressed himself close against her
His arms around her brushing her breasts
Delicious feeling. So close. She didnt move. Just let him and she stood. The  she arched forward a little. He moved away for second
The she gasped

He was hot hard and right inside her. Pressing close. His arms tight around her breasts. 
Her nipplea stood in her flimsy dress, pressed against him. She could hardly breathe. He was going to take her. Right here right now ON board the cruise.
Suddenly she remembered the security cameras l around and pulled back.
Just in time.
Dinner you two called our tour guide trying to make us out on the dark.
Coming we called back, fighting to keep our voice even.
We walked back. His hand on her butt. Thru her sweet silky dress. She let him go down the spiral stair case first
Then walked down
He looked up. Peeking at her tantalisingly.
Dinner.
She stayed in her tiny skirt. Just across from Him wearing nothing inside
He controlled  his hardness. Waiting for dinner to be over.
At the room, the never crossed the inner doorway. Right there
, once inside she whipped around and  pinned him against the door
She rubbed herself all over him slowly gently pressing herself
He felt her soft curves mould him and he groaned

She climbed onto the bed and hugged him to her. A fuzz a haze. Nothing could be remembered.
Suddenly she went on all fours on her bed
He had their French window curtain open
So all the seas could see them. Exempt there was no one there but the silent waves the beautiful karat formations and them
The he entered her, holding her breasts her hip and thrusting while she groaned wishing it would never end
The silent grottos and limestone caves 300 millions old watched man and woman passionate in a game as old as themsves

Desperate for sleep and affection

I'm drained
Let's do the math

2019 lit
Meena +7

Pam (sls)
Pei yong (sls)
Kodi
Nithya (sls)
Vani
Mak
Su zhen (sls)

2020 lit
Meena  +5

Pam (sls)
Pei yong (sls)
Kodi
Nithya (sls)
Dawn

2021 lit
Meena+1

Dawn
Sls-0

Some new members, maybe

Serendipity

On my way to Chennai
I travelled with a fellow traveller
Just a stranger
Polite.
I helped him bring down his  ag and that was that
Today I hear someone say
Hello mam
It was him!
He was happy I recognised him
Brahmin guy
I said we both have had very short trips
Said he didnt sleep at all
Then we went our separate ways

Smiling at one another across our different queues
And now I find myself scanning the seats for him
Ah well

How

How do I say
I dont want to come
I want to stay home with her
How do I leave
Knowing
This may be the last time
I see her alive
What is this farce we are doing
Planning parties
Ganapathy homam
Moving her to a new place to depart from?
Maybe so
New place new views new feel
All this bitterness
May melt away

The party was a great success. I didnt go. Neither did arun.  We stayed with aaya
The rest went
The sisters all in matching dresses.
The sisters treated the family
Practically the first time in ever the family met as a whole without leaving anyone out.
I met my own bitter ghost from the past
It was ok
All cordial and lovely
I spoke nicely to nandhan arun source kalthi
Maybe a bit cold to anni but we have a history

I nearly well I did... burst out at mym mum
My interfering chithi saved me from saying too much
I dont like anni
But I saw their love for him
The poor ignored son
I feel a bit sorry for him too
I hate the games money plays with us
I pray to go I never get attached to money

Old age

Skin hanging off like a dish towel
Back curved a question mark
Thighs the size of toddler arms
Eyes drooping
Feet a weight, leaden
Kigted with help from children aged 60 and above
This is what old age looks like
A slowing down
The kidney
Liver
Heart
Shutting down one  by one

Grr

He doesn't even look at people while talking
He scrolls while talking.
I shall stop saying anything though
I just wont speak to him
Will say things once and that is it.
He is setting a terrible example for the kids

N a boat

Inle lake
------

On a canoe
Narrow, streamlined,
We slice the waters close
Past houses on stilts
People washing clothes
Bathing
Boys splashing
Past another narrow canoe
Filled with bous and girls
In matching green and white
Heading to school

We turn into a channel
Lined with hyacinths with purple flowers
Then into another
Lanes like unmarked roads
We glide past a compound
Marked by bamboo canes
Stuck into the mud
At regular intervals -
A fence in water.
Then we nudge ourselves
through a  space among the fence,
Marked by poles a meter apart 
This, here, a gateway
We brush against reeds as we pull up
To a platform
Climb out
Climb up stairs
Receive water to drink
That they give every wandering traveller
For to givens thirsty man water
Is a blessing like no other

Etched against the sky,
reeds and water
All around us green on water

Living with water
Around water
Water is life
Novel for us
Normal for them

People rowing to get their kids from school

‐-----------------------

Exotising the ordinary
Our gazs in them
Turns them quaint
Such a loaded term for us with preconceived  notion s of the norm

Temple trees

Today i saw a tree
climbing a temple
Its roots all around it
and within
In a protective embrace
Or a stranglehold?
Since 1865
Still standing
Leaning
Surviving

The moon

The moon
Is quite extraordinary tonight
A sliver
Like a smile on a secret face

Tutoring

How do you deal with the sheer boredom of coaching you daughter in the finer art of comprehension?

My kind of evening

Birds chirping overhead
Tall trees casting long shadows
In the orange dusk under a cloudless sky
A gentle wind sending sheets of ripples my way
As I stand beside the river

Trees that stand the test of time
Waves that wash the shores
Land and sea in game
Of give and take and give and take
Over time over time

State church gov

The British gov parliament seems to have always been out of touch with what people want if the crown series is to be believed .

And the church insists onncontrollingnthe private lives of people in order to hold on to it's own desperate power

Which is worse

Which is worse
Killing someone or dying

Depends on the context really

If it's a war
Better to kill someone than die i guess
If it's an accident
I'd rather die than kill someone
I couldn't live with the guilt

Pleasure

Guilty pleasure

The singular pleasure
Of gnawing on strips of dried skin
Shredded from the bottom of one's heel

Nothing comes close

Church

The church and its desire and power to interfere in loves of ordinary men and women is no simple matter.
How can the church England oppose marriages of divorcees? King Henry the viii started the church if London because he wanted to divorce and remarry

In bed

Nowadays in bed
There are three of us
Me my husband and his phone

Reflections

The story of the fall .eating the fruit of knowledge and not being able to unsee things

One would think with perfect knowledge people will be perfectly happy
But no.
With more knowledge we only learn things we cannot demand we yearn for simpler times
When ignorance was bliss maybe

Reflections

The story of the fall .eating the fruit of knowledge and not being able to unsee things

One would think with perfect knowledge people will be perfectly happy
But no.
With more knowledge we only learn things we cannot demand we yearn for simpler times
When ignorance was bliss maybe

Katate

R1 stanza has 7 line each line 4 syllables
About my favourite image that I have kept secret for sometime
Cant keep it secret anymore
What is it

Low hanging tree
Leaves of the Almond

shades
Me as I sit

Sheltered under
the almond tree,
its low hanging
branches spread out,
protecting us
from the noon sun,
we silently watch

the waves gently
lapping the shore.
Heat shimmering
off the water
time stands still now.
In my minds eye -
My daffodils.

Soft sand beneath
us, green leaves above
us, we sit here
Under the shade of
the almond tree
watching the blue green
waves rise and fall

gently writing
Lines on the shore
Heat shimmering
off the water
time stands still .
In my minds eye -
My daffodils.

Office lunch

Working lunch
-----------‐
In front of me
Rolls of white sticky rice
Wrapped in crisp green seaweed
Peppered with orange eggs
That will never
Become fish

Sometimes

I need to write
To make sense of this world I'm in
I love my workplace
My colleagues
My bosses
It's a safe place I live in

We all start from someplace and grow
Wonder what I can do
To raise the sensitivity of colleagues art and artists can do what policy cant
Tell the truth as it is as it is felt

I am here today to celebrate my country
My kids are excited its Singapore birthday
I still feel tears welling up when I sing or hear the songs sung
this bloody country is worth fighting for
The barbs and stupid acts stem from ignorance
I'm a teacher
The road is long
But I can and will teach

I feel like I'm in the workd of the giver
Where once I didn't see anything
Now I see colour the lack of it
Among our bosses. All Chinese.

Just said the pledge.  Regardless of race.

Churchill

Just read and heard churchill's eulogy for the king
Words are powerful things
Very powerful.

So hard or too easy

So hard to concentrate or too easily distracted
Which is it?

It's the time of the year national day
And I am usually very patriotic
But this year it feels ... bitter sweet
A sense of moving on
Yet anxiety lines the horizon

I feel so lonely tonight
Wish sutha or sham or malar or kannan or subair were around
For me to meet with them
For them to calm me down

Distraught and distracted
Wondering about my place in my own country
I could cry
But why should I
All we have is some borrowed space on this precious earth for a micro second of time in the massive tapestry we are part of
And we shouldn't take ourselves
So seriously

Am also incredibly touched
By the amount of noise this is
generating by so many Chinese
Maybe I move in a privileged circle
Of writer fb friends
But still

I take offense at the Gov letting go  of the corporation and chasing after the individual
How can an individual win against a state here in sg
It defies belief
But if he thought we'd nod our heads like so many sheep or cows
He's got it wrong
That bulldog of the pap
He can't shut us up with the strength of his voice the size of his xxx
Too many are asking questions.

By silencing one minority voice they silence whole lives
Cowards

Who am i

I am that token Indian in my workplace

The one who gives other Indians some measure of pride

That token friend who allows you to see
That I am just as human as you can be

I am the reason you arent quite as racist as you could be
Knowing me allows you to say
I have Indian and malay friends
Without me your life would be duller
.because of me
You see
That brownface is wrong

Everyone needs me
Or someone like me

Being Indian

Being Indian or Malay 

Is not a costume that you wear, 

Make up that you wipe off

To go back to being comfortably 

Chinese 

Are you a better Malay or Indian 

Than a Malay or an Indian? 

"Light hearted humour" 

You say in defence

To whom is it meant to be funny? 

A cheongsam,  a saree, 

A baju kurung...

These are clothes.

We can wear them

For a couple of hours.

What we can't wear

Is one another's skin,

Though we could try 

To walk in the others'

shoes.

The meaning of f

Dear Gov,
Let me elucidate you
F has many meanings now
And you just stuck in an older era

F u. That's a cuss. That's an f word used to swear.
This F ing delicious.  That's an f word used to mean 'very'.
I wanna F u. Here F means " have sexual intercourse" .  Depending on tone and context it can be a sign of aggression or intimacy.
Stop F ing it up. Here F  means "messing it up".
I am so F'd. Here F means dead, in trouble.

At least 5 different meanings to this F word and you assume it's used as a swear word against a race. You put your flawed interpretation out as the truth and condemn them. You order the video taken down so people can't easily verify the truth. You play Power F ing well .

Brown face

Where do I start
I'm uncomfortable
The easier wrong to call out is the rap
What were they thinking saying  fucking Chinese.
It can come out in a novel maybe not a rap. Not in Singapore
Even in America I cant think of people being okay with a rap song that say s fucking nuggets or fucking whites

Sorry I stand corrected. She said the Chinese were fucking things up. Would it have been less offensive if she had said Chinese were messing things up?

So easy to call out so easy to get distracted

The harder wrong to call out is the brown face
A Chinese man portrayed a Malay lady in a tudong and an Indian man with an oily curly wig with darkened skin

Most Chinese may not be able to see the harm in it
Apparently he cross dresses often and this is in character
How would non Chinese know that?

How do we explain why brownface is offensive?
Caricature. Reducing people to physical appearances.
Suggesting cant fond talented people of NJ oriy races to portray in the ad. Which is rubbish. We have a good pool of TV talent.

For a minority to call it out the minority have to be brave . Risk being called sensitive and dealt with awkwardly in future conversations. Not even fellow minority may support you coz they risk ostracism too. Some minority may not get whh its offensive too.
Sigh

Like when i was a new teacher and did not how to articulate what made me uncomfortable about girls dressing skimpily in what they called sarees. And that child walking into serangoon road and saying we so smelly. Or that girl desceiving me as having golliwog hair and possibly not knowing how offensive that is

And my stupid well meaning boss saying I'm one of the better Indian mums he knows! Who is comparing me against? Paragon of virtues the Chinese mum? Like there is a type! Grr

Back to the issue at hand. I just realised the rapper didnt say fuckingnchinese. They said the Chinese were ficking things up. And it stated not all Chinese. Just the racists.

The power of politics.
1  they present the tap song as attacking a whole race
2. They remove the video so no one can verify it
3. They mistake the use of the word fuck as a label vs a synonym for messing things up.
4. They distract from the larger issue and attack the small easy to smack problem.

Plus..  the guy in the video has been cut out of another cna video about local musicians. Coz people are terrified of the state.
Animal farm and 1984 well and alive beneath a veneer of all being well

I have many questions

How come the agency thought it was okay to use a Chinese guy to rep malay and Indians?

Why are we not talking about the aeriousbstuff preeti brings up at the end

We may never talk about the tough stuff we need to talk about. About race in Singapore.

What we can do now
Talk about why brown face is offensive in the papers and in social studies
Talk about these at the curriculum planning level first

Liwuli

Look at your bruised eye.
Listen to your animal cry.
Feel your broken jaw.
This is not love.
Put him away.
Walk away.
Now.

Her smile cut through her bandaged face.
Oddly sharp.
She was free.

What next then?
Will it be as painful too?

Troubled

Dear God
I cant sleep
My throat hurts
My mind races with all I have to do
I feel weighed down

My son cut his hair himself. Twice.
It looked awful.
I was embarrassed for him
I could have let him live with it
But I took him to the barber
And he is almost bald
Seems  a harsh punishment for a playful mistake
I should have listened to saro and left it
But I didnt know
Hes going to be 8 next week and his hair looks like this
Hes going to go onstage next week and his hair looks like this
I'm mad at him
I had wanted to cut his hair after his birthday and stage performance but he rushed it first.
Now he looks like a plucked chicken a bald eagle
Sigh.
He deserves it too
I'm scared my parents are going to blame me for it.  Say I'm too harsh
.I punished him too much.
Sigh.
I can't lst my fear of what others may say affect me. I can only do what i can do. .

I'm having a party at my house on Saturday
And I partly wish I wasnt
The house is still a mess
I have no idea about the menu

Work
Chapter to write
Write to yuying
The Singapore play
Check budget for lit symp
KP dialogue
Wrote to her about fuhua

Breaking a mothers heart

When a son breaks his mothers heart
I wonder what I can do to make things better
I can pray
But thoughts and prayers only go so far
I could speak to him
It's possible he has no idea of how he hurts her or of how much she yearns for his love
I can't warn him what goes around comes around. That would put up his back
I meant to speak to him in June.
Its July now.
When should I do it.
What do I talk to him about
If I speak to him I want to do so to offer him support
I'm a coward too
Not sure if I can take his vitriol.

All I know is I cannot wait much longer.
Gonna pray and take the plunge
Meet him for coffee or at a park?

But if he turning a bit schizophrenic... it may not help to talk directly with him about the problem. May need to create a conduit for conversation and slowly build up trust. No one is going to believe or trust you coz you say trust me

Development of the 2019 syllabus

The 2019 syllabus builds strength of the 2013 syllabus.
In 2013 we introduced learning outcomes for the first time

In 2019 we introduced the lrf . Streamlining to just 4 main categories of Los.

Reasons for bold change to making poetry compulsory

About gym

It must feel like flying
All that leaping and piroutting in the sky before landing on your toes
I'd break my back of i were to do it
But when I watch my son
I fly with him
Hands outstretched
Soaring defying gravity
Landing lightly

Living dangerously

I need to pay attention to details
Of time location of meetings
A general time and day and place will not work
If I dont learn now I never will

What's the worst that can happen ?
Dell and dcpd2 will see I'm late.
They will inform Leonard.

So I need to let all three know myself.
I have let Leonard know. No lies. Just the truth.
I wish to wait till melvin comes out to speak with him about what has transpired.

Hope all goes well. I hope no questions were asked about el or lit
I hope .
Then after meeting with Melvin I shall go back to work 

But the meeting our segment should have ended at 240..now its 320 and still no end in sight

I had planned for the meeting to end at 430 and for me to return home. This is terrible.  I deserve it. I have been free from 11.30 and I met stupid nithya at 140 instead of rushing down in a cab. I need to get Melvin's  number.
Meeting is still going on. I've obviously missed a very important and rich discussion. I am a dunce. Sigh. Am worried my bosses going to be mad at me.
What reason should I give for missing the meeting. Could I just say I was not able to attend?

I am a dunce. Dunce dunce dunce
God gave a me a chance to slip in at 2.15 PM with three other late comers. But I didnt.
Grr

I have made mistakes before. I have Intrinsic worth. I just have to see.
Whats the worst that can happen?
Dell and dcpd2 will have a poor impression of me. Its ranking time now. I'm already lowest of the 4. Just pray nothing came up that needed my response. I hope and pray Dell and dcpd2 did  not look stupid. God. Why?
I dont take things seriously enough. Hoping to cruise by things. This after my disastrous lateness at my promotion ceremony.

I should have at least been brave enough to message Dell. But on a bit shaken by his comment to Leonard to be careful of how we present ourselves.

Age

What is youth
But a passing cloud
Darkening with age
Thickening
under the weight of time

India

There is comfort in walking around a country where people speak your language
It was joy to speak and hear Tamil everywhere

Also a joy to receive snacks spiced the way we like it. None the sweet hot stuff you get here

Also a place where children are smiled at, talked to, where people help others
Like the immigration officers to the kids
Asking aishu about her hair
And the lady warning me about a young calf that may butt me
And the man telling us how to start a stalled bike

Heading home

Joy fills the heart st the thoughts of returning home
Familiar place where we know things

Sleeping forms

The three sleep
All curled to the right
Like in a printing press
Three similar forms
Face cuts
Enna thavam seitheno
Yasoda
I sit here and watch my sleeping babies
My God's blessings
One two three
A symphony
And only gratitude flows thru me

Hospital waiting times

5 hours was bad.
Today inwaited 6 hours.
But with company. My husband. In India.

Clouds in kodai kanal

The clouds were making their way across the range while two clouds decided to rest on the mountain tops

Sheets of clouds shift like a curtain revealing the set of thisnplay-the vaigai dam

Bliss

Bliss is
My youngest curled up on my lap
My other two leaning on a shoulder each
In the car, all fast asleep

I can only hope
They will see me still
As a source of support, and come to me for calm and stillness
And that I will be able to provide them the support they need
Withou suffocating them

Story of ganga

Today we are going to talk about the story of ganga

Who knows what is ganga?

Yes a river. Where do rivers start?
Mountains.
So this river starts from the highest mountain peaks the Himalayas.

Himavan 's daughter ganga. 

Story goes like this.

King sagara of ayodhya
Did a horse sacrifice. Ashwamedra magna. Sends his horse around to all kingdoms.
If horse comes back, unchallenged, he is ruler of the world.
Indra, king of gods, gets worried and jealous.
So goes and hides the horse deep underground
In the abode of sage kapila

Back ayodhya all are waiting. Horse never comes back.

So sagara's 60,000 sons set out to search for the horse. One son stays back to help his father rule.

The 60000 sons search high. No sign
Search low... and they find it!
Tied to a tree deep underground at sage kapila's ashram.. 
They try to ask the sage for the horse but hes in deep meditation. 
The sons think the sage stole it 
So they try to take it back, and say some nasty things about sages who steal and then pretend to meditate.
Kapila woke up. Knew what was in the sons mind.
Turned one ferocious gaze at them and burnt l 60000 brothers to ash!

Looks could kill back then. And they all burnt.

Now normally, before someone is cremated, they do prayers for the soul. These 60000 brothers were reduced to ashes too quickly so their souls could not go to heaven. Wandering around sadly.

The remaining  brother came looking for them and found out what happened. He asked sage kapila to help his brothers find moksha.
By then kapila had calmed down.

Once cursed cannot take back.
But there are ways to remedy things over time.
For this, he said. Need the holy waters of ganga to wash over him  . Need to to pray to himavan to ask him to let ganga down.

So this prince's great grandson heard about his uncles souls . Bhagiratha. He did penance for 1000 years to bramha.  He was pleased. Allowed ganga to go down .

She was a fun spirited powerful girl. Thought shed play a prank and come pouring down. They want me they will get me!
So she got ready to gush down
Shiva realised her trick and caught her in his hair to stop her from destroying earth in her excitement. There she was trapped.

The bhagiratha did penance again to Shiva to release her. And she came down in a more gentle stream. The first stream. Named baghrathi after this bhagiratha prince who did such penance for her to come down

While leading her to the place where the ashes were scattered, gangs wandered off to explore! And she flooded a great sage's home!  sage jahnu. What happens when sages get angry!
He swallowed her up! Then she was trapped inside him.

Then bhagiratha had to pray to him also, please release her. And so he did. And  ow she was even more purified. First she descended from heaven. Then blessed by Shiva in his hairm now blessed by Jahnu.  After this she was also known as jahnavi. For the sage .

Finally she reached the place of the ashes. And washed over them. And all 60000 souls that had been restless got peace and ascended to heaven

And so up till today people go to bathe in the ganges to wash off their sins. Or scatter remains of ashes on the river for the soul to find peace.

Talk about pollution

If time permits share story of ganga in

Workshop

The 50 min workshop I did with solastri was good.
Good feeling in the room.
Always good to get together and talk about a poem and what you like about it
How to set it up
How to facilitate it
How to move from that to writing

Rebirth

Fascinating that for both kids
The first time they hear about rebirth they say they dont want it
Coz they don't want another mother
That's what aishu told me yesterday
I nearly cried

A few years back my ashwin said at around 5 years old also
That he didnt want to be born to another mom

I love my kids so much
And I love their love for one another
And seeing the state between my brother and me now and my parents and my brother

I am thinking this feeling of family love I see and have is super precious
For as long as it lasts we must treasure it

Emotional week

It's been an emotional week.
Mourning the passing of q close family friend
Reflecting on my relationship with my brother
And his with my parents

I wish him peace of mind
A steady belief in himself and God
Friends to help him tide this over
My relationship with him is almost non existent already
I am going to take the plunge and talk to him directly in a few weeks

Hey kanna
I know its been rough couple of years.
The only reason I called to speak to Deepa is coz you called to speak to Saro.
A rare species you, calling for birthdays instead of just messaging. .
I thought I would return the favour and call and speak to her directly.
Also had gifts for her birthday.
Havent seen her in months

I want to speak to you.
Let you know you can speak to me
Your worries for deepa
Your anxieties about aatha and appa
And if you dont want to talk that's fine to just saying I am here for you. I love you.

You've kept my secrets for me all my life
I will keep yours too. I wont be telling anyone anything. Not even appa and aatha.
In any case they dont pry. If anything at all they are just worried about you and miss you

From.akshaya

My trip to the botanic gardens

I saw
A bulbul Perched on a tree
A bumble bee dragging its
Feet on a walkway
Tiny fishes swimming in a pond
Sunlight filtering through the leaves

I hear
Crickets chirping
Dead leaves c
Red orange brown leaves
Littered the ground ¹q

I'm becoming arrogant

I'm starting to think I ican do any workshop better than others.
That's not good.
Be humble!

Peri uncle

For our dearest Peri Uncle

'Out, out, brief candle.'
Thank you for your light
May you rest in peace, always

Blessed are we
Who have been touched by you.
In your passing you have shown us
How to live.
Giving of yourself, all your life,
To the temple, your family, your friends,
A beaming smile, a little joke for everyone,
You made us feel special
Just by being you.

You left too soon.

Too soon, to say
Goodbye.
And now there is a gaping space
In the world, in your shape,
We sit numb.
Yet, you are all around us now,
You see us
Shedding silent tears
Over cups of coffee,
Remembering you.

You must know.

We love you.
We will miss you.
May God Bless you.

,,,,,,

Why so fast
Dear uncle?
A smile for every person
A kind word for each one
I hear you say my name
In a way only you can and do.

Could. did.

My dad's good friend
On trips to desaru. You
Taught us friendship fun love

Two stellar boys
The comic epic couple
Ribbing one another
Love

How could it be
Just the news of 6 months
Sent you
Our lion
To speedy close in 6 days?
Philosopher you.
What is 6 days week months
6 seconds is enough
And poof
You are gone
And we watch that space
Gaping
Holding our hearts wrenched from us by your passing

The set of friends here
Now slowly gathering
There
Meena aunty
Meyyappan uncle
Peri uncle

Slowly all going going gone

-----
Line to add

You left too soon
Too soon
To say goodbye

And now there is a gaping hole
In this world
In your shape

Unfillable
For you were a giant of  a man

Narcissism

We are in the age of narcissism
Where we take selfies and wefies
To prove a point
To ourselves others
That we matter we exist we are cool

We obsess over the moment

Affinity

They destroy my home
And call it
Affinity

Redevelopment / En bloc sales

They raze it to the ground
My home
And call it Affinity

My grandfather

He is quite the man
We keep talking and thinking about him recently
Yesterday I learnt that everyday he would go to Ramu's house to rest before he goes on to the rest of the day
I hadn't known that.
Been 15 years since his passing.
I wonder how he felt at my place.
Valued or like a burden?
I dont thinknwe made feel like a burden. But I dont how super warm and welcoming we were.
My dad would spend at least half hour a day with him every evening.
We gave him room his bathroom prayer room
Important festivals would be under his direction or blessings anyway.
Ponngal deepavali pillayar nonbu .
He likes his serials and some movies
I remeber vividly enjoying the movie priyamanavale with him
Me nursing my own heartbreak
Watching a couple break up and get together
Each word in the song weighted with meaning, for me
He just absorbed. What had he been thinking of?
First all for the girl
Then all for the boy
His emotions up and down at the directors call
It's the only movie I remember watching and enjoying with him
Other memories
As a 6 year old. Watching the advert for cod liver oil
Orange and black cover and an old man on it, silhouetted. Watching just a little afraid. And my grandfather lunging at me playfully. His eyes big.
A game for him and granddaughter.

I remember his love for the lottery
4d
Asking my brother and me for numbers
I'd always give him the number 3. My birthdate..and fav number of course.
He had lovely meaningful eyes
His eightieth birthday.
My parents in India getting me engaged.
And I nearly forgot his birthday.
He said he was going to the temple that morning. And it didn't occur to me why. Giddy as I was with new love , my to be engaged
Then at 8pm or so I remembered.
Got a cake. Called up my cousin
And had a surprise ready for him at around 10 or 11pm when he came home.
He was happy that day . Like a proper surprise. Where he thought people forgot his birthday. But hadn't.  Ha. Ot was his last birthday. 6 months to the date,  he passed on.

He never went to India, convinced that doing so would lead to his death. But he came for mine. And he did pass on.
Health? Age? Belief?
But I was blessed. So blessed. I received his  blessings. And my great grandmother's blessings too. And saro'a grandmothers blessings.
These count.  They do.
And he never badgered me about having a baby in the few months he was around after my marriage. Sep 5. He passed on on Jan 7. Aged 80 years and a half.

My son and i

Are cut from the same damaged cloth
Easily overwhelmed by the perfection and scorn of our loved ones around us
They who
Who always think of everything
Well in advance
And speak to the rest of us
With contempt

We are the ones
Who self flaggate
Blame ourselves
lose our cool
Get upset
Hurt

Also the creative ones
But does that count
In the face of perfect order?

My self loathing kills me

Girls burn brighter

Almost too much to believe

Willingly amputating an arm

Fake news

"In the United States, for example, a study showed that in 1958, 75 per cent of Americans trusted their government. But the figure has plunged to 17 per cent this year.
Similarly, trust in institutions, such as the media and the medical profession, is also on the decline among Americans"

That may be so. But is that due to fake news?

"Democracy is under serious threat. It is unwise for us to just watch and do nothing because it can sweep us over very quickly,” he said."

Irony? Defending democracy thru rules on fake news?
Clamping down on free speech and calling it defence of democracy?

"A pillar of a democracy is public discourse, which can only take place when there is “free, responsible speech”, Mr Shanmugam said.
And free, responsible speech has to be founded on facts"

Hello 1984. Free speech vs free responsible speech based on fact. Facts are decided by Gov

"When everyone can agree on the same set of facts, society can have diversity without conflict, and it allows for public participation while still getting decisions made.
“Without it, our political system will malfunction,” Mr Shanmugam warned.
Key to this is a responsible traditional media industry, he added"

To prevent collapse of political system. At last one line of truth.

What is a responsible traditional media industry? A state controlled one?

A SHARED REALITY – BUT IN WHOSE INTEREST?
In his speech on Tuesday, Mr Shanmugam stressed that like public infrastructure, society depends on an “infrastructure of fact” that gives society a “shared reality”, and that this shared belief in the same facts and truths is what helps democracies function.  
Assoc Prof Theseira argued, however, that when Governments make judgements about what constitutes this shared reality, that is inherently a political act.
“I do not mean they are always partisan acts, carried out for narrow political gain. A good Government would not act that way.  I trust that this Government wouldn’t,” he added.
“But they are political acts because they must serve the definition of public interest that the Government of the day believes in.”
He cited the example of Italian astronomer Galileo Galilei, who was put on trial by the Roman Inquisition of the Catholic Church because he found evidence to support the theory that the earth and other planets revolve around the sun — a theory accepted as fact now but which the Catholic Church at the time found to be “fundamentally incompatible with The Bible”.
“All Governments have a political objective to defend a shared reality that suits their interest. For example, the United States Environmental Protection Agency changes its views on the climate change science depending on who is President,” said Assoc Prof Theseira.
“Is it in the public interest for science to be unnecessarily determined by politics?”

Reflection

Okay

How can one odd comment about not breaking an umbrella make me put up my guard against my husband who is just back from the hospital?

Something is going on. With me. Not him .

If I let small things hurt me, I am taking myself too seriously.

If I love myself a comment like that wont hurt me

I know all this theoretically.  Yet. I am afraid of approaching him. Of letting my guard down. Of being snapped at.
How can I be like this.

It's TRUE I'm not letting him be himself. He cant be on eggshells around me all the time. That's no way to live.

But I dont know what I can do about it.
Actually maybe I do.
Yoga.  Meditation. Prayer.
These can help me rise above the daily mundane grind and see myself as part of something larger. And my role as giver and protector and not victim.  I will know my place and not let it myself bogges down.
Questions. Have I done right. Have I done enough. I suck. I'm not a good mum wife person
Anyone would love saro
No one would be able to live with me
My mess

These are the negative thoughts in my head
Doing no one any good.
Got to meditate and kick these things out if the window. 

Tough times

It's been a tough time
And I feel bad
Coz I'm not the one who's sick

Saro.
Weak back weak stomach
He's feeling bad
Was hospitalised with intense pain

Stats

I dont want to be just another statistic
Indian Male family with heart problem
Diabetes

The sadness tha lingers
When someone calls out for a relative of the hospitalised
Only to learn there isn't one

Why

Why are we born to die
Why do we love to lose

For the intense joy of both
Fleeting though they are

I cry not for today
But for the tomorrow
That must come

Maybe I will be
All cried out then

Pass

Wear your pass around your neck
Like a leash to the office
Tighten the noose
And slog

Beauty

I get distracted
by beautiful and intelligent
women and men!
There I've said it.

Another one bites the dust

Another one bites the dust
Another book shop closes
Pages fluttering shut in the dust
One last time

The way of borders
Page 1
Closed shut with no new chapter
Lost to e books? Or generations glued tonscreens

A future with no dreams

A future where there are no more dreams
Because people cant imagine anymore

Delhi crime

Powerful series.
About the 2012 violent rape of a girl on a bus.
Shook the world.

The good and bad about the series.

Reviews say this is a love letter to Delhi police.
I understand
The police are portrayed humanely working in difficult conditions insuffiencent funding pressures from political parties and press and public
They work without sleep tracking down elusive criminals

I found myself having new respect for the police. Thankless job indeed.

The flaws are glossed over and could have been better addressed.  Some whitewashing of facts. Like seeing the student protests as annoyances when i believe those protests were instrumental to making the gov and police take rape seriously.

There were reports of a man being robbed on a white bus 2 days before incident. Police did not act. Here they make it seem the man reported the incident only 2 days after the event.

Apparently buses are not allowed to have tinted windows. This was not addressed.

Nevertheless. The show did make me respect the police a little but more. Every thing has blacks and whites.this one showed more whites.

The only darker sides of the police shown were.. police sleeping on the job in other parts of India, some policemen being more concerned about food and exercise instead of the case.

Good thing was the female police officer dcp south. She was super powerful as the lead.
There is a sense too that too much rape happens. They say casually there are gang rape cases everyday. How is this any different.

There are insinuations that the victims brought it upon themselves because they were engaged in PDA on the bus. This might be a fabrication by the film.

She fought back hard. The girl named as deepika in the show. That is not commented on. We get it though. She bit them so they bit her. she pushed them off the boy.

Some unnecessary details like the boy having a girlfriend.  That is immaterial to the case which is about violent rape and murder.

The men were charged and sentenced to death 7 years ago and they still havent hung. What justice is this? 7 years and still alive. God knows what they are doing in jail.

They do not show the rape. Describe it in detail 3 times. Acting all superb.

This world

Is wracked with madness
like killing so many cockroaches
Except we are killing ourselves

During our holiest times
Friday Prayers
Easter Sunday

And the most mundane
Rape on a bus

And at such scale
Gaza

These are our truths now.
The world we live in

A mockery of God
To kill in His house
Taunting Him, showing Him
He is powerless in His own house

Or maybe reinforcing
His house is not external
To churches mosques temples

His house is inside us
And we kill Him methodically
Suicudally
Torturously

Because we can.
Yes we can

Sick of bicentennial

Two hundred years
Seven hundred years
What difference does it make?

As always we clamour
to feel important
Impotent as we are,
making up myths of lions and fish,
a rock now adds to our history.
We fashion it from clay.
Yet
we are nothing
but a grain of sand
under a heaving ocean.
A blimp in time
drawing people to it
to make a home
a stepping stone.
A navel full of people gazing inwards
Saying
I am big
I am old.
I matter
I do

protest too much

This is home
that teaches one to be zen
amid a sea of toys.
Tall buildings and short tunnels
squash our heritage.

Bear no attachment
for places morph
Sinews stretch fold unfold into time
We will be swallowed whole
before we can matter.

Reclaiming

Standing here at Punggol promenade
eyes closed, facing the sea at 8pm,
you hear the waves washing the shores
revising their lines endlessly.

Can you reclaim what was never yours?
What's been taken from under the feet of others
The day will come when the ocean will rise up
Swallow you whole

And these waves will wash new shores

----

Standing here at Punggol promenade
eyes closed, facing the sea at 8pm,
you hear the waves washing the shores
revising their lines endlessly.

Can you reclaim what was never yours?
You know the day will come
when the ocean will rise up,
swallow you whole

and these waves will wash new shores.

----
Standing here at Punggol promenade
eyes closed, facing the sea at 8pm,
you hear the waves washing the shores
revising their lines endlessly.

Can you reclaim what was never yours?
You know the day will come
when the ocean will rise up,
swallow you whole

and these waves will wash new shores.

. The first stanza contains exactly 31 syllables in the form of a prose poem. The first stanza is phrased as imperatives or instructions.

2. The second stanza consists of 14 syllables, broken into 3 lines. The length and subject of each line is left to the poet's discretion.

3. The third stanza consists of 10 syllables, broken into 2 lines of discretionary length. The third stanza is phrased in terms of one or more questions.

To write

Mall prompt. Serene centre or coronation plaza maybe. Or plaza sing.

The Singapore island beach reclamation prompt

Can you reclaim what was never yours?
What goes around comes around
One day ocean  may rear up to take back what is it's own
And our neighbour's may turn us all down coz we dont take no refugees
Standing here at punggol promenade
Eyes closed, facing the sea at 8pm
You hear the waves washing the shores
revising their lines endlessly

The micro horror story
Where lonely people create loves for themselves online complete with pictures
And live a life of augmented reality.
Blurring the lines between real and virtual happiness peace prosperity

Things that made me laugh yesterday

My intern chose a poem for senior minister of state for education to read
It included the lines is my sexiness too much
Do I look like I have diamonds in my groin
Hahahahahah

And my sweet son called me to update me that he was on the trail of some fake news.
He read the papers and saw that a man was reported missing.
In precuous days papers there was no such news this he suspects it's fake news. 
I clarified that he was saying  he thought our national papers was publishing fake news. He said yes. Then I asked what of thisnwas new news. And more news on this emerged over the next few days?
He said hed have to wait and see

So cute! Oh my. My darling cherub on the trail of fake news!

Horror story

That you can create an online persona, complete with pictures, to live a life you cant actually live

My own world

Street names change weekly in random order to learn directions
Picadilly street  changed to pick an idly street
An eggless soya free cake

Ode to idly

Idly oh idly
So white and fluffy
Like a cloud dunked in sambar
You melt in the mouth

Bland to a fault
but so soft
You go with everything
Maybe best with
Spicy rough podi,
with dollops of gingelly oil
How about with
Mint chutney and tomato
Awesome with rasam
Just heaven with chicken curry
Tamarind gravy

And you come in such sizes
As big as a palm
Tiny as a coin
And every size in between

Best for breakfast,
adding light and spring
Perfect for dinner
after a long day or flight
I cant wait
To have you tonight
------
You arewhite and fluffy
Like a cloud dunked in sambar
You melt in the mouth

Bland to a fault
but so soft
You go with everything
Maybe best with
Spicy rough podi,
with dollops of gingelly oil
How about with
Mint chutney and tomato
Awesome with rasam
Just heaven with chicken curry
Tamarind gravy

And you come in such sizes
As big as a palm
Tiny as a coin
And every size in between

Best for breakfast,
adding light and spring
Perfect for dinner
after a long day or flight
I cant wait
To have you tonight

So what do you do

Your 8 year old says
He can't go for gym
His leg hurts
His throat hurts
He's crying

You know he's scared
Of handstands hand springs
Crazy exercises
The coach

So what do you do
Just what do you do

Parents are supposed to
Teach kids to be resilient
Suck it up and stick to things
Dont let then grow up to be
Strawberries

So what do you do.
What do you do?.

Parents are also supposed
To let kids know they've got their backs
Support them trust them love then
Without the weight of their own
expectations, fears, desires

So What do you do?

Give him a hard time,
Warn him, about the boy who cried wolf
Then hug him, love him
Let it go
And wait for next week.

Punggol promenade

Standing here at punggol promenade
Eyes closed, facing the sea at 8pm
You hear the waves washing the shores
revising their lines endlessly

You've washed these shores since when
When different sounds were your accompaniment
Tigers growling maybe
Not all this restaurant music
Piping happy birthday

Other prompts

1. written in Other pov - maybe milk
2. A new land I discover
3. Awful truths about myself - written in perspective of those i wronged
- twin girls installed at till theybjad tears in their eyes. Today i could be sacked for that maybe
The cow i threw stones at
My mum who'se gift I rejected just to hurt her

4. A ritual that gives me what I want. Now I have to live with it

Monster prompt

Monsters are
Born of good intentions
Growing limbs and tentacles and heads and then brains

Like streaming for 40 years
Compartmentalising
kids Into neat packages

Comparmentalising people
Into 4 races, including Others

What new monsters are we brewing now
With new laws everyday
How deep are we digging.our graves
Bringing back 1984 and Animal Farm?

‐---

Monsters
are born of good intentions
growing limbs, tails, horns, heads
and finally
brains.

Monsters that
pick, sort,
discard.

What new monsters
are we brewing now
through laws

that bring alive the old -
Animal Farm
1984?

We will know soon.
Just give it
40 years.

#spwm19day1 #plscrit #jemstones

Monsters
are born of good intentions
growing limbs, tails, horns, heads
and finally
brains.

Sticky fingers
Grimy nails
Reaching out
over decades
to pick, sort,
discard.

What new monsters
are we brewing
now?

Just give it
40 years
We will know

#spwm19day1 #plscrit #jemstones

Politics of religion

So my boss wants to block people from doing a masters that studies representations of masculinity and feminism. It's like a joke.
He also wants to block kids studying queer literature.

These are fields of study in literature. No wonder people feel threatened by lit.

So anyway, we blocked the queer thing. Easy to justify.  Masculinity we blocked coz the kid says he is going to do it on television series.

But the feminist studies of milton's paradise lost. How you gonna block that?
Cant block it coz it offends your religious beliefs!!!!

Egg xactly

I have to write about this.
So this guy in Australia threw an egg at the back of this politician's head coz he was fed up with his racist politics.

A Singapore teenager here made a comment on fb on an article related to this egg  boy's stunt, saying "I'd like to throw an egg at shanmugam". To which a 47 year old said "I'll provide the gg and heres the address of where he does his meet the people session"

Some jokers complained to the police about these two guys and the police investigated them!

1984 is here and now and we are big brother ourselves.

So shanmugam says in fb when he read it he laughed it off.. I so want to believe him. It's too petty to send the law after every joker who says he'd like to crack an egg on you.

And to his post, hisbardent followers said no they shouldn't have said that etc etc. Hes got a mob following here. Silent majority etc. Hes like nayagan. Or godfather. Scary.

Why what why

Some people
Are born meek and mild
And others
Born with fire
In their bellies

If mature plays favourites

If Nature plays favourites
it must be with blue and green.
Why else would air and water
clear as glass
take on sheens and shades
of blue, blue-green
in skies and seas?

Then again, she has moods.
At sunset her skies glow orange red
her seas reflect purple black
but for most of the day
just blue.

Random thoughts on holiday

Haunted by work related nightmares I wake at 4 am to do some work and end the nightmares
Working working
6am
Sudden downpour! Such heavy rain after days of sunshine

Hope it clears so we can go paraw sailing! Or kids will be disappointed. Glad we made the most of our days this far.  Out almost all day since the day we arrived! Three days of the sun the sea and the pool.
Gorgeous.

What happend to all my posts

All my jan posts are gone! Where are they?

Thoughts

You know everyday
We could be dead

Its startling to realise that

People die everyday
when flying on a plane on holiday
When praying in a place of worship

And you realise
It could be you
It could be me

You wonder
Is there a special reason
for your own survival
A purpose to your life

Then you know
No
It could be you
So better be careful
Be thankful
Thank God for every day of our lives
And live well. Kindly happily. Thankfully.

Senseless killings

We live in a depraved world
Depraved depraved world
A madman killed people at a mosque
As if that is not enough
There are people supportive of the madman too
How depraved can you get

Unprovoked attack against innocent people

You wear
a scarf a saree a cap a turban a beard
It offends me
Down you go

For every voice raised in protest
A voice rises in support
For this is the world we live in now
Anything goes

Everything goes
Like a tapestry boring holes in itself
We turn on each other
For boredom

Lighthouse of the orcas

Argentinian movie
Beautiful seascape
Bit predictable characters
Dont go beyond types. Bit too perfect. Like what my friend said the artifice of fiction 
But still nice

Hero villain

Can a man be both a hero and a villain
A rapist and a war hero
A genius and child molester

Yes of course

But we dont want to believe that

Down

Im feeling a little down to be honest
I was supposed to pick up saro. I left so late my dad had picked him up already
I had breakfast at macs and set up credit card and internet banking and all so not a co.plete waste but still

Sometimes I feel I'm on this wheel running running as fast as I can. But I can't keep up. The wheel keeps going whether I'm on it or not.
Not an original metaphor. But I feel it now.
Rat race. Mentally ill rat. Algernon. 

So keep going. Doing what I feel is best. Always have a long list of things left to be done.
Keep running running

The doc tells me to blink
I just want to close my eyes
That tired I am
This race
Cannot be won
Human I am
Yearn for the next
Always
I must

Snec.where you learn patience

What is this life we live
Born.
Make mistakes
Grow old
Die

Why? Been asking since I was 14 or so. Am 40 now.

Life is sometimes an indulgence of the senses.
Life cycles on
Eat. Feel bloated. Dump. Eat again. Cycle on