behind the outburst

Time to confront some hard truths about myself. What i feel and why

I am tired of my in laws staying with us. It feels suffocating. I say this while acknowledging they are much nicer than i expected though i know to never let down my guard. They could come full critical any second and tear me and my defences down.. they are deeply critical folk from a well meaning standpoint. 

Just the few things they say makes me feel urgh. But of course all they say holds a kernal of truth.  That the kids must learn self reliance.  Aishu used to be more proactive now she is slovenly. Escapist. We need to prepare them for the future better. All true. 

I had been enjoying the hols with ashwin. Yesterday when out with my parents his lacks became glaring to me. May not be my in laws fault. But its there in the back, this echo, he cant do stuff himself. He really is a bit stupid. I asked him to go fill water bottles.  Need to ask around. Stupid waiters ready to charge 10 dollars for free water from their taps! How ridiculous is that right? And dad is paying. So asked him to go. He asked aishu for help. So my dad got up to help

1. Did he need help to go get water? He couldn't trust himself to do it himself,

 2. couldn't read the room that i want him to go get it so my parents don't feel bad. He doesn't realise how bad and incompetent he looks that he needs help to go figure out a simple water bottle issue. 

Makes me think about my in laws saying he is lacking basic skills. I worry i am pampering him too much so now he cant even get water himself. 

Maybe better my dad went though. Otherwise they'd feel they were troubling him. 

Then the food is bloody expensive even if very tasty. And dad is paying. Ashwin can't read the room that he should order sensibly coz granpa is paying and aatha is uncomfortable . Is that too much to expect from a 14 year old adhd fellow? Perhaps. Anyway so he insists on getting another naan that i know he can't finish. Then later says he was scared of me so he didnt clarify with aishu so ordered. I dont take lightly to being blamed for things. I really don't.  I lose my cool and call them out for it regardless of who is around.  I did it with saro and the electrician the other day. Who tried to make it seem the connected light and exhaust fan is just ashwin's wish. Or later just my wish.  It makes me sooooooooooooo mad when he refuses to acknowledge things we would have settled in private and make it look like we are unreasonable in front of others so then i tell him off. Like when he tried to make a case again that we didn't need a car in front of sham and malar. Like why is he trying to score points like this? Only when i tell him in public does he get the message and stop it. But i dont like doing that. 

So a pattern..3 cases. Car. Light switch. And naan. In all cases I'm right, but made to look unreasonable in front of others. And i snap, at the people also in front of others. Just makes me look scary and fierce. And maybe still unreasonable. 

How to behave in future situations like this? 

Option 1

Smile and bear it and tell them what they did was unfair in private.  

Need time for that private chat. They may not get it anyway. Nothing like embarrasing them in public to warn them not to mess with me. But... what other options are there let me think. 

Option 2 

Tell them off in public but kindly and funnily so they get the message without me looking evil. How...

E.g. hahaha sara has forgotten our conversation about how akshaya needs the reassurance of a ready car to manage her anxiety

Hahaha sara has forgotten that i had wanted the light switch separate because its quite noisy each time. Doesn't bother him but bothers me and he agreed to change it coz he loves me

Haha ashwin nice try to wiggle away from taking responsibility but you might as well accept aatha is always right

Woah. Ok. Can be done

I must take note of this easy trigger, note my rising anger and check it with calculated humour.  

I look forward to it. 

Love is not about winning nor is it about retailation..

---

Back to my in laws judging. 

Mum in law about aishu not tying her hair

My mum also same thing.

I lost it with aishu. 

Teenage mind saw it as great affront to her individuality. Total self pitying mode on. 

Dragged her feet didn't have food nothing. I got mad. Then maddder when saro said relax. Anway really learnt that i need to whip the kids to take charge of their own lives and schedules so i don't have to take all that responsibility.  

Akshaya does it ok. Managing her is a diff matter entirely. Also tiring but important 

These two

 Urgh. Basic. 

Sometime back managed to convey to ashwin the mental load on me to wake him, chase him from bathroom, chase him with school work and then also to school. How absolutely exhausting.  He seemed to have taken it to heart. So maybe i can just openly talk about it again as a family talk before we start school with him and aishu. 

Aishu today heard about the mental toll

 And bloody hell when i lost it its so scary. For me for everyone. Not good to threaten people like that. She is brave. 

Then i need to say no. Its so hard

Like I'm so highly strung i can break anytime.  

I want them out of the house. There have said it. I dont want to burst out at them. Unforgivable.  They are lovely inspiring people and they are trying so hard to be easy, hold back. I need to give myself space. 

Last week sunday onwards i think i am resentful of what i gave up for others. I should just get it out here so i can move on. 

Sunday i wanted to go for yoga. Gave it up to go for slow walk with inlaws

Monday i didnt go to work and do my own stuff, took aishu to beach to keep a promise made a year ago. 

Tuesday went to jb with colleagues. That was good but not my own time that i was craving and had planned for wed to fri

Wed, had to get ashwin's books then catch up on the work i would have done on monday then run all kinds of errands. 

Writing group meet up was wonderfully healing. But i didn't get my own time

Thursday gave up my me time for couple time

 Whole day. Walk lunch nap sex clear the house 

Friday gave up me time for my parents day at the zoo

Sat gave up my me hour for errands. 

So you see. Each of the things i did were important . But i paid with my own time. Till i exploded today. 

I have to pay myself first. Then i will pay others. Because they have to be paid. 

I will go in to work on Tuesday.  Catch up with work for half a day, then spend half a day on my writing. 

Today shall spend 30 min at least on writing. 

Then baking. 

Clear 1 box

Sunday shall go for yoga 

Then spend at least 1 hour on writing..

Clear 2 boxes at least. 

Monday. Akshaya birthday. 

Tuesday settled

Wed akshaya birthday dinner

Thurs xmas and pillayar nonbu

Friday shall work and write again. 

So in summary

1. Pay myself. Everyday take an hour at least just for me. Yoga. Writing. Walking. Swimming. Have my multivitamins. Sleep. Read. 

2. Take deep breaths. Deal with difficult situations with humour and quick thinking. 

Okay i needed this. 

Love you journaling

 

art of destruction

To destroy a bookcase 

Peel it off the wall

Observe the dust gatherered for years

Naked, flying for cover in wispy balls

While the rest stay layered defiant

Do what you will This is what i am 

Peel the backing off the bookcase

Push one end towards the other.

Bereft of support

The squares become diamonds

Keep pushing till you hear the cracks

Don't wonder at the hours a crafstman 

Or man behind a machine took

To build this case

The filing and polishing of wood 

to bear the weight 

of books files towels albums keepsakes 

backdrop for impromptu recitals, rehearsals, songs, debates 

The bookcase lies on its side, 

A giant felled, its panels loose

Take one panel, press your foot to centre and pull up one end

Watch it splinter so the 6ft tall panels becomes shorter than the waist 

Repeat for all panels

Fling them in the dump

Sweep up the sawdust the pieces 

Toss them in the bin too

The wall stares at you, bare 

except for the silhouette of the bookcase 

still there

How we reduce things 

Not that different the taking down

By force of muscle,

Or the boneless tongue 

2 years

These 2 years have been brutal 

Thr world has watched a23 civilisationwq222 a22²w people a nation destroyed to21 rubble22q32

Children killed 

Embryos killed24əee4e

Bombed bombed bombedeeeeeeeeeeeeɛe33e 

While queing for ⁴aid in booby2wwq trapped shelters2

Chased south and south then back north and south8eeeeee3

And starved3

Water gon333eae

Medicine gone

Food gone3q

333333

And all with the world ww3233atching

If i watch and do nothing i am complicit in this crime

sea

The sea a diamon studdeed blanket shimmering in the sun

reading letters

Reading a letter from Janet 

I am transported 

To japan bookstores

break heart break

My heart breaks and breaks and breaks 

No excuse in this world for us

We watch live as one country bombards another

Killing a 10 year old

Shot in the head 

10 

He could  be my son

He could be yours 

Would you lie quiet

If your son was shot dead 

Wouldnt you swear vengeance

There is no end

No end 

No end 

Fuck you 

You who can kill a 10 year old and shout belligerent that you are defending yourself from rocks 

A rock will not kill you

You wield a rifle

Block medicine

Food aid blankets

Heartless devils

My heart 

break heart break

My heart breaks and breaks and breaks 

No excuse in this world for us

We watch live as one country bombards another

Killing a 10 year old

Shot in the head 

10 

He could  be my son

He could be yours 

Would you lie quiet

If your son was shot dead 

Wouldnt you swear vengeance

There is no end

No end 

No end 

Fuck you 

You who can kill a 10 year old belligerent that you are defending yourself from rocks 

A rock will not kill you

You wield a rifle

Block medicine

Food aid blankets

Heartless devils

My heart can only break 

Spill useless tears hot

For a child orphaned and hurt

Searching in the debris 

For a hand that may be his brothers 

For a heart that may beats his name 

So he can cry into their shoulders

Heaving the weight of this world 

Of bullets and bombs 

choice

Today my horns gleam upwards

The bells on my neck jangle

As I turn my head one way, then the next  

They both claim me, farmers 

So another man in a black coat

Has said i will choose 

The mud-caked road beneath my hooves quakes

For the first time, maybe the only time 

I have a choice 

Samy has been good to me

His daughter plaits my tail, ribbons it blue

Applies red powder to my forehead

Vellai has a bull though 

Who moos for me

Who makes me shiver

Will Samy whip me for running away 

He left me, forgot me

He cannot blame me

Will Vellai give me hay 

As well as apples from his home

The way Samy does

Will that bull even want me

If i am there everyday

Will he seek the brown cow instead

How is a girl to choose

I shall eat some cud

Take my time

The man with the black coat

Sends both away

My bells jangle harder 

Will no one take me then

Might i wander free 

Feed my baby when i please 

My baby is with Samy 

But for how long more 

He sold my son a few moons back

farmer a d the vull

Sometimes i have to give it to the indian courts

One cow

Two farmers say it belongs to them

Judge said let the cow decide

Both men walked away the same distance 

Called the cow

Whoever the cow went to owns the cow! 

What a story 

To write from the cow's perspective

With sensory details 

Village setting 

I can borrow ideas from perumal murugan for the setting 

Smells 

Sights 

Sounds 

Whom did i actually go to

I went for the handsome bull

In the farm of the other guy 

But i respect the judge 

Not aboit ownership 

Its always about choice 

The cow's choice 

insight into alibaba

Ali Baba taught us well

That sometimes 

we fill our sacks with jewels so full

The only thing we can add anymore 

Is a hole

 

In body, mind, heart or soul

a broken pencil still writes

lanyard model 3

The other day I was ricocheting slowly off piles in corners waiting to be packed,

moving like in a mirror maze, 

from book towers to toy heaps to tangle of medals, to miles high paper piles, coloured pens pencils markers massage balls binoculars, letters in assorted unsorted boxes until utterly distorted I found myself in Maycomb Alabama 

hugging Dill and Scout when he says his parents don't need him and she says Atticus couldn't get by a day without her 

hoping in the pile of things that is home now, my kids feel more scoutish than dillish and will still feel so in our new cave where everything will have its place, returning unbidden when not needed, so it can always be found. 

landyard model 2

The other day I was ricocheting slowly off the junk piles in the hundred corners of this house waiting to be packed

moving like in a room of mirrors, from book pile to toy pile to junkyard of medals, to stacked high paper pile coloured pens pencils markers massage balls binoculars, letters in assorted unsorted boxes 

until utterly distorted I found myself in Maycomb Alabama hugging Dill when he says his parents don't need him and hugging Scout when she says Atticus couldn't get by a day without her 

hoping in the pile of things that is home now my kids feel more scoutish than dillish and  continue to do so in our new nest where every object will have its place and return there unbidden when not needed 

so it can always be found 

lanyard model

The other day I was ricocheting slowly

off the blue walls of this room,

The other day I was ricocheting slowly off the junk piles in the hundred corners of this house waiting to be packed

moving as if underwater from typewriter to piano, from bookshelf to an envelope lying on the floor,

moving like in a room of mirrors, from distorted book pile to muliplied toy pile to junkyard of medals, to stacked high paper pile to medly of coloured pens pencils markers massage balls binoculars, letters in assorted unsorted boxes 

when I found myself in the L section of the dictionary

where my eyes fell upon the word lanyard.

when i found myself in Maycomb Alabama in a tangle that i knew would unravel in the hands of expert Lee, 

hugging Dill when he says his parents dont need him and hugging Scout when she says Atticus couldn't get by a day without her 

Hoping in the messy nest that is home

My kids feel scoutish more than dillish

And that they continue to do so in our new home

Where miraculously every object will have its place and return there unbidden when not needed so it can always be found 

v4

In a zoom meeting with my team,

my eye flickers over to my son,

bent intently over a sheet of drawing paper.

A brontosaurus emerges from nothingness,  

its long neck curving towards the top of the page.

"Watch me make the dinosaur disappear!" he calls out, 

and proceeds to draw a thick black marker back and forth 

across the page, bottom to top.

Chained to my meeting 

where we discuss the design of teaching guides,

I can only watch, helpless, 

as the dino drowns in inky quicksand,

and wonder at art created without attachment,

like the sky at dawn and dusk, 

dazzling works in colour 

obilerated by white clouds, inky skies in seconds 

by an artist who sees no need to sign a name 

or save for future admiration,

supremely confident that all he creates will 

by nature, be a masterpeice.

v3

In a zoom meeting with my boss

my eye flickers over to my son,

bent intently over a sheet of drawing paper.

A brontosaurus emerges from nothingness,  

its long neck curving towards the top of the page.

"Watch me make the dinosaur disappear!" he calls out, 

and proceeds to draw a thick black marker back and forth 

across the page, bottom to top.

Chained to my meeting 

where my boss is outlining KPIs for the year,

I become a helpless bystander,

watching the dino drown in inky quicksand,

and I can only wonder

at art created without attachment,

like the sky at dawn and dusk, 

dazzling works in colour 

obilerated by white clouds, inky skies in seconds 

by an artist who sees no need to sign a name 

or save for future admiration,

supremely confident that all he creates will 

by nature, be a masterpeice.

v2

In a zoom meeting with my boss

my eye flickers over to my son,

bent intently over a sheet of drawing paper.

A brontosaurus emerges from nothingness,  

its long neck curving towards the top of the page.

"Watch me make the dinosaur disappear!" he calls out, 

proceeding to draw a thick black marker back and forth across the page,

from bottom to top.

Chained to my meeting where my boss was outlining KPIs for the year,

I become a helpless bystander,

watching the dino drown in inky quicksand

And i could only wonder

at art created without attachment,

like the sky at dawn and dusk, 

fleeting works in colour obilerated 

by white clouds, inky skies in seconds 

by an artist who sees no need to sign a name 

or save for future admiration,

supremely confident that all he creates will by nature, be a masterpeice. 

art without attachment

In a zoom meeting with her boss 

her eye flickers over to her son,

bent intently over a sheet of drawing paper.

A dinosau emerges from the nothingness,  

its long neck curving towards the top of the page, 

a brontauraus she knows now, 

thanks to the 7-year old expert in the house

As her boss outlines KPIs for the year, 

the boy interrupts, " watch me make the dinosaur disappear! 

----

V2

In a zoom meeting with her boss 

her eye flickers over to her son,

bent intently over a sheet of drawing paper.

A brontosaurus emerges from the nothingness,  

its long neck curving towards the top of the page.

"Watch me make the dinosaur disappear!" he calls out, 

proceeding to draw a thick black marker back and forth across the page

Chained to my meeting where my boss was outlining KPIs for the year,

I become a helpless bystander, watching

the dino drown in inky quicksand

And i could only wonder

at art created without attachment,

like the sky at dawn and dusk, 

fleeting works in colour

obilerated by white clouds, inky skies in seconds 

by an artist who sees no need to sign a name or save for future admiration

supremely confident that all he creates will by by nature a masterpeice. 

After all. . 

.

 from being sucked into the quick sand of ink,  quietly, unprotesting. 

In my meeting my boss was outlining KPIs for the year 

A thick black marker moves methodically from edge to edge

meticulously shading the paper in  thick black marker

one part woman

Realised upon 2nd reading that the story is strung thru memories and flashbacks the characters have over a single day and night

Like beading a necklace, the writer has the two ends fixed taut and strings beads of story, containing nuggets about the lives of these two main characters in between. 

What catches my attention is 

1. Rural india captured in brush strokes in a very natural way, non fussy not in your face. Most writers from India i read write in English and are city bred. So their india is one i recognise in my trips to chennai and so on. Here we have rural india like in a bharitaraja gramathu mann vasanai film and it is both beautiful and eye opening. From the clothing ( saree with no blouse, loin cloth), arrack, toddy, and the cockrel sacrifices... really immersive. Some parts make me unvomfortable because of how I've been conditioned to see these things. Like toddy, in movies, is bane of all ladies, cause of ruin in all families.  Here its described like wine and how wine is described on wine tasting tours. Makes one wonder about class. Also the recent tamil chef who won a michellen star for his snail dish which he ate as a poor boy and realised is French delicacy. Who decides what is culture? 

Also the character of nallayan reminds me of uncle axel in the chrysalids. One who has travelled and dismisses the ways of society to some extent but is tolerated. Cuts off top knot refuses to get married doesnt bemoan not having kids, he is a character foil for kali

2. The farmer's eye. Its a pleasure to read of Kali's care and love of his farm and how he tends to it. Read passage here. 

3. Women empowerment. Ah this is tricky. Women have less power in this patriarchal society but the women loom larger than life and take control as far they can within their realms, stretching boundaries where nec. Kali's mum as a widow bringing up her son and managing the farm is a force in nature. The rules circumbscribing what widows and women with no children can do are so limiting. 

Ponna is amazing. So deftly sketched and given such depth. If she didnt love kali and physical relations with his ss much, he could be seen as sexually abusing her! Turning up at all times of the night to be with her. But she seems to adore him and marital relations. 

What makes me uncomfortable 

1. All that animal sacrifice. Haha. I kind of turn away from such festivals. There are all kinds of festivals. So i pick and choose and the ones i attend genrally dont invovle animal sacrifice. But it is usually food and whats the diff between kfc chicken and chicken that is sacrficed to god first then eaten. 

2. The portrayal of the caste rules. Untouchables. Very sad. 

3. Portrayal of alcohol

rain

V5 

Rain falls in a curtain before me 

at the coffeeshop at Joo Chiat

filtering the street

glossing the roads

greening the trees.

How far has a single drop come,

from an abundunance in the sky 

that could no longer contain its joy,

onto a red tiled roof sloping down,

to fall on my daughter's upturned face?

A drop that perhaps started in a sea, 

rolling off the top of a jellyfish bobbing in the waves;

or before that, in a river

gushing through mangrove roots

towards the rhythm of the ocean;

or even before, in an icy spring 

gurgling from a mountaintop 

before cascading into the river,

so now, under that tiled roof, 

her dimples catch and hold

the surge of spring, river, sea

before it flows, 

down her legs into earth,

richer now with her wonder.

V3 

---

V4 

Rain falls in a curtain before me 

at the coffeeshop at Joo Chiat

filtering the street

glossing the roads

greening the trees.

How far has a single drop come,

from an abundunance in the sky 

that could no longer contain its joy,

onto a red tiled roof sloping down,

to fall on my daughter's upturned face?

A drop that perhaps started in a sea, 

rolling off the top of a jellyfish bobbing in the waves;

or before that, diving with a river dolphin in the mangrove towards the rhythm of the ocean;

or even before, in an icy spring 

gurgling from a mountaintop cascading down past jumping salmon

so now, under that tiled roof, 

her dimples catch and hold

the surge of spring, river, sea

before it flows, 

down her legs into earth,

richer now with her wonder.

---

V2

Rain falls like a curtain before me 

at the coffeeshop at Joo Chiat

filtering the street

glossing the roads

greening the trees

How far has a single drop come?

From an abundunance in the sky 

that could no longer contain its joy

onto a red tiled roof sloping down,

to fall on my daughter's upturned face,

a drop that perhaps started in a sea 

on the back of a fish dancing in the waves

or before that, in a river drawn

towards the rhythm of the ocean

or even before, in a stream

on top of snowcapped mountains

tracing sinous curves down earth into the river 

so now, under that tiled roof, 

her dimples catch and hold

the surge of stream, river, sea

before it flows, 

down her legs back to earth,

rich now with her wonder.

---

Rain falls like a curtain before me 

at the coffeeshop

filtering the street

The road glossy 

The leaves bright green

Raindrops falling falling 

How far has a single drop travelled?

From an abundunance in the sky that could no longer contain its joy, 

thru seeming nothingness 

onto a red tiled roof sloping down

To fall on her upturned face

To think that drop started in a sea 

A drop that perhaps started in a sea, 

rolling off the top of a jellyfish bobbing in the waves;

on the back of a fish, 

Or before that in a river inexorably towards the lap of the ocean

Or even before, in a stream up on a mountain tracing the sinous curves of earth into the river

V3 

Rain falls in a curtain before me 

at the coffeeshop at Joo Chiat

filtering the street

glossing the roads

greening the trees.

How far has a single drop come,

from an abundunance in the sky 

that could no longer contain its joy,

onto a red tiled roof sloping down,

to fall on my daughter's upturned face?

A drop that perhaps started in a sea, 

rolling off the back of a fish dancing in the waves;

or before that, in a river

slipping through mangrove roots

towards the rhythm of the ocean;

or even before, in an icy spring 

gurgling from a mountaintop 

as it traced sinuous curves into the river,

so now, under that tiled roof, 

her dimples catch and hold

the surge of spring, river, sea

before it flows, 

down her legs into earth,

richer now with her wonder

V3 

Rain falls in a curtain before me 

at the coffeeshop at Joo Chiat

filtering the street

glossing the roads

greening the trees.

How far has a single drop come,

from an abundunance in the sky 

that could no longer contain its joy,

onto a red tiled roof sloping down,

to fall on my daughter's upturned face?

A drop that perhaps started in a sea, 

rolling off the back of a fish dancing in the waves;

or before that, in a river

slipping through mangrove roots

towards the rhythm of the ocean;

or even before, in an icy spring 

gurgling from a mountaintop 

as it traced sinuous curves into the river,

so now, under that tiled roof, 

her dimples catch and hold

the surge of spring, river, sea

before it flows, 

down her legs into earth,

richer now with her wonder.

---

V2

Rain falls like a curtain before me 

at the coffeeshop at Joo Chiat

filtering the street

glossing the roads

greening the trees

How far has a single drop come?

From an abundunance in the sky 

that could no longer contain its joy

onto a red tiled roof sloping down,

to fall on my daughter's upturned face,

a drop that perhaps started in a sea 

on the back of a fish dancing in the waves

or before that, in a river drawn

towards the rhythm of the ocean

or even before, in a stream

on top of snowcapped mountains

tracing sinous curves down earth into the river 

so now, under that tiled roof, 

her dimples catch and hold

the surge of stream, river, sea

before it flows, 

down her legs back to earth,

rich now with her wonder.

---

Rain falls like a curtain before me 

at the coffeeshop

filtering the street

The road glossy 

The leaves bright green

Raindrops falling falling 

How far has a single drop travelled?

From an abundunance in the sky that could no longer contain its joy, 

thru seeming nothingness 

onto a red tiled roof sloping down

To fall on her upturned face

To think that drop started in a sea on the back of a fish, 

Or before that in a river inexorably towards the lap of the ocean

Or even before, in a stream up on a mountain tracing the sinous curves of earth into the river

V3 

Rain falls in a curtain before me 

at the coffeeshop at Joo Chiat

filtering the street

glossing the roads

greening the trees.

How far has a single drop come,

from an abundunance in the sky 

that could no longer contain its joy,

onto a red tiled roof sloping down,

to fall on my daughter's upturned face?

A drop that perhaps started in a sea, 

rolling off the back of a fish dancing in the waves;

or before that, in a river

slipping through mangrove roots

towards the rhythm of the ocean;

or even before, in an icy spring 

gurgling from a mountaintop 

as it traced sinuous curves into the river,

so now, under that tiled roof, 

her dimples catch and hold

the surge of spring, river, sea

before it flows, 

down her legs into earth,

richer now with her wonder.

---

V2

Rain falls like a curtain before me 

at the coffeeshop at Joo Chiat

filtering the street

glossing the roads

greening the trees

How far has a single drop come?

From an abundunance in the sky 

that could no longer contain its joy

onto a red tiled roof sloping down,

to fall on my daughter's upturned face,

a drop that perhaps started in a sea 

on the back of a fish dancing in the waves

or before that, in a river drawn

towards the rhythm of the ocean

or even before, in a stream

on top of snowcapped mountains

tracing sinous curves down earth into the river 

so now, under that tiled roof, 

her dimples catch and hold

the surge of stream, river, sea

before it flows, 

down her legs back to earth,

rich now with her wonder.

---

Rain falls like a curtain before me 

at the coffeeshop

filtering the street

The road glossy 

The leaves bright green

Raindrops falling falling 

How far has a single drop travelled?

From an abundunance in the sky that could no longer contain its joy, 

thru seeming nothingness 

onto a red tiled roof sloping down

To fall on her upturned face

To think that drop started in a sea on the back of a fish, 

Or before that in a river flowing inexorably towards the lap of the ocean

Or even before, in a stream up on a mountain tracing the sinous curves of earth into the river

All this before it falls on her face, 

So the power of stream river sea, 

are caught in her dimples

Where it aborbs her essence too

Her joy at the world at the wonder of rain this sunday, 

Before rolls it down down down down

back to  earth at her feet.

roots

Revised 

 I had to walk through a wooded path today 

seeking a shortcut to the shops

when I stepped on roots protuding out of the soil, 

gnarled, entwined.

I pressed on, knowing they would bear my weight,

not give way,

like how I used to walk on my dad's back as a child,

to massage him, he'd say.

I'd trek back and forth on that broad back, 

giggling even,

never doubting that he would bear my weight.

After all, my parents have borne me all my life;

my petulant tantrums,

my late nights without calling,

my taunts that suggested they knew nothing, ha,

all the while holding me up

so I could sway and dance,

confident they'd bear me up

always.

----

I had to walk thru a wooded path today seeking a shortcut to the shops

And i stepped on roots protuding out of the soil, gnarled entwined 

Knowing they would bear my weight

Not give way

Like how i used to walk on my dad's back as a child

To massage him he'd say

I'd trek back and forth

On that broad back 

Giggling even 

Never doubting once 

that he would bear my weight 

Like roots bear the weight of mighty trees

So my parents bear me

My petulant tantrums

My barbed words

My late nights without calling

My taunts that suggested they knew nothing ha

All the while

Holding me up

So i could sway and dance

in the winds of time

Confident they'd bear me up

Always

stones

We offer beauty to god

Usually flowers and fruit 

But my son, at three, saw beauty in rocks

Day after day id find new stones at the altar

God made rocks too he'd say

These were not the quartz speckled twinkling variety, 

Nor the tide smoothened round pebbles 

They were mostly small nd mishapen

stained brown from stoning on soil

But he saw grace

At three he taught me

God's creations are beautiful 

even indelicate ones

And that there is beauty in the everyday

If we could see the world with a child's eye

that sometimes only children see

Sad to say he outgrew this habit of collecting rocks for god

But 

books this year

After a long time, I'm posting about books I've read again. Admittedly i haven't read as many new works this year as last but here's a selection i've read this year

1. Perumal Murugan's  A Lonely Harvest. 

The other possible continuation of One Part Woman. I didn't expect it but i much preferred this to Trial by Silence. There, the main character, Kali lives despite his suicide attempt but gives Ponna the silent treatment the whole book through.  I couldn't take it, this vibrant, full of life character so broken by the perceived betrayal of his wife. 

In this version, he dies, gasp!  but the book focuses on how the women in the family rally together to help Ponna move on, and overall feels lile a more hopeful read. I strongly recommend reading all three books : One part woman, Trial by Silence and A Lonely Harvest! 

2. Circe by Madelline Miller. Beautiful lyrical writing and imaginative take on the Greek myth, with a strong focus on the female voices and stories.  Really enjoyed this and loomking forward to reading Song of Achilles next. 

3. Ballard of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins. I came back to the world of Katniss Everdeen in this prequel, well before she was born,  and got insight into President Snow's rise to power. I couldn't put it down after I got past the first two chapters. Chilling for its parallels to our world today too. 

4. Thomas Hitoshi Pruikshima's The Kural.  I can't say I've read the whole book but I have sat with some of the verses, especially during my course with Thomas, which was a meditative balm much needed in these troubled times. I do recommend others take it up if you can! Its called Taller than a Mountain.

squirrel tales,xdr7hgd6v38ksgk

Mango Days7

Deep yellow, succulent, 

laid out in circular piles 

an offering to the tree which bore them -

by what I'd like to think of as 

a squirrel 

squirreling mangoes

because nuts are sy5.cɓhcarce here,

hoarding in pl8jain sight

because how do you hide sunshine?

I imagine this squirrel

hauling the fallen treasure

from the far corners of the patch 

on whichrdķiidǰ uz8i9iiiiiiiiiiiiiii9i998i8i9i99iiiii8ii9i8i888i8i888i888888888888888888888888u88u88888888888888888u8888888t. Hn.   9 . 88888uu8888888dd tree stands

to the centre,in

a royal treat for birds 

who rarely grace the ground

Ur38z

plumped three times its size

Or this red-headed woodpecker pecking at a grounded fruit

Down comes a streak of black and white,  

the magpie sparrow trilling its song to the skies

Up flies a flash of blue and white,

the collared kingfisher full without fish today.

And what about the gatherer

who scampers away each time wings beat?

He must munch his share on the go

Rolling mangoes in place

for the grand feast of gold at Grange.

Other ideas to add

About to tuck in when an oriole swoops down and away it scampers 

cooking

I cooked ans cookded today trying to create more interesting food for my kids

Rajma

Green curry chicken for kids and veg for me and my dad, and maybe akshaya will have some

Chicken passata sauce! This was meant to be chickeTn keema. Failed haha

 

,MGX

i am but one tree

I am but one tree in a forest 

If I am felled it would be of no loss

Except perhaps to that one nest of three

which might tumble down, crumble, wrens within

Light would wash the wound 

where I stood

Raindrops would bless the spot

New growth would sprout

 

I would not be missed 

rajma

Soak overnight then Cook rajma beans in pressure cooker  till really soft

Cut one onion, 1 garlix some gingwr chop fine

2 tomatoes chop and keep aside 

Add 1 tablespoon oil

Add 1 bay leaf, cloves, 1 small stock cinnamon, 1 peice star anise small jerra 1 twa spoon , few black pepper seeds

Then add onion garlic and ginger

Then add these powders: 

2 table spoons coriander powder

1 table spoon cumin poweder 

1 spoon manjal

1 tea spoon cayenne pepper

Add some water to cook the masala

Add salt and 1 tea spoon sugar 

Add the chopped tomatoes

Cook nicely 

Add rajma and sufficient water to cook for 20 min to soften and soak in flavors 

meena's eggs

3 eggs

Beat with a fork

Add salt, white ppper and a half a tea spoon manjal

Chop small -1 onion some red pepper

Chop : 3 leaves basil, some coriander leaves some spring onion 

If we have baby spinach can chop some too

Heat 1 table spoon oil

When hot add onions and red pepper and saute

When browning add the green then add the beaten eggs and sprinkle salt and italian herbs and paprika

Break it up as it cooks toss it and switch off when cooked

Serve hot

gaza 2

The gaze on Gaza has not faltered

We watch 

children lose 

parents 

siblings 

limbs

lives

hope

We stare 

at children 

with hollowed cheeks

skin stretched over rib cages

starving

while food, water, medicine

wait in trucks 

blocked 

We look on

as they shoot

mothers queuing for bread

for their children

We say 

Don't kill them

But take our money, weapons

How will we face 

our grandchildren 

when they ask 

You watched the children of Gaza die

What did you do?

gaza

The gaze on Gaza has not faltered

We watch 

children lose 

parents 

siblings 

limbs

lives

hope

We stare 

at children 

with hollowed cheeks

skin stretched over rib cages

starving

while food, water, medicine

waits in trucks 

blocked 

We look on

as they shoot

mothers queuing for bread

for their children

We say 

Don't kill them

But take our money, weapons

How will we face 

our grandchildren 

when they ask 

You saw the children of Gaza die

What did you do? 

dear r

Dear r

Our syllabus has launched

I wonder if v attended it

He's now teaching lit

You and he hahah both hurt me and i hurt you and I think we all learned a lot and grew up a lot and hopefully are better people now for our brush with one another

Life huh

Now my challenges are my teenage children. One rebellious, hard to converse with the other well, dealing with chronic illness at a very very young age, since 10! 

We are nothing if not for these challenges. And i love them for it. 

thiru2kurallpll

அகர முதல எழுத்தெல்லாம் ஆதி

பகவன் முதற்றே உலகு

I had thought this kural to be about the start of the alpahabet but found the idea of aah being the start of language, as mentioned in lesson one, even more powerful. 

We don't learn letters as children we learn sounds. Babies babble aah, because it is an opening of the lungs and vocal chords and mouth, and also heart and mind, to take in the world as it reveals itself to a child. 

And if we think of the sound Aum as being the primordial sound of the ocean as it hums along the equator, and the sound of the waves that wash our shores as the heaving breath of earth herself, this kural has even more impact, suggesting god or the creator starts the world with this sound, Aah, and speaks to us through the sounds of the ocean and wind. Indeed this kural itself has both the long and short sounds of Aa and aah within... the short and long of how language and sound begins. 

I like the "ellam" within the kural too. All encompassing. Breath, sound, god.

அகர முதல எழுத்தெல்லாம் ஆதி

பகவன் முதற்றே உலகு

dukkah tahini roasted cauliflower

Create marinade

Toss cauliflowers in it

Air fry it 8 min ( 4 min toss up). or bake it - 40 min

A. Wash cauliflower in hot water with salt and manjal

B. Prep Marinade 

1. Extra virgin olive oil

2. Salt

3. Black pepper

4. Italian herbs generous amount

5. Paprika 

6. Cayenne pepper a pinch

7. Manjal a pinch

8. Lemon juice

9. dukkah

10. 1 tablespoon tahini

C. Toss cauliflower in this mixture until well coated

D. Pop in over for 40 min and then 5 min in air fryer Or air fryer from the start for about 8 min total

 

witing journey

You ask me to write 

of how i became a writer

I watch my children write and wonder 

Does this too pass in the blood, 

My mother who loves to read 

My father who tells stories like conjuring water from a fountain

Who revelled in my kiddy rhymes

Till i felt i could write, maybe, thensecret thrill when i was announced a poet 

But baby steps only

That now spills over to see the 11 year olds stories

And i know this just grows and grows 

F

rally frog

Was at a rally yesterday 

Which was fiery fun and all

But what really caught my eye

Was this frog

Jumped right past my foot 

And looked at us all

Like 

What you doing in my spot?

Must have been confounding

to have so many giants congregating 

in an otherwise quiet field 

He handled it really well

No panic jumping

Just stood took a few hops here and there, 

Gunning for shadows initially

But people moved their feet 

My heart hopped each time too

But i needn't have worried

That little fellow found a tuft of slightly taller grass 

and stayed put for Pritam's speech

Watching us instead of the stage 

Gauging our reaction

Waving his green arms in synchrony with the yellow hammers

He moved away just when He Ting started

Good thing too

His exact spot was underfoot a second later 

Almost like he had a sixth sense for survival you know?

#jemstones #spwm25 #noprompt #electionfever 

day 29

You said I could do better than list 

Make my words work harder 

You said my love for Sylvia was intense

But I should leave it at that, not pen it in 

You said I should stick to the lyrical

Less wordplay 

So here i revel in playing with words

Lyrically, mythically, Lady Lazarusly 

For me alone to own

poetic talk

Isnt that what poets do

Shift words around 

Shift the air with the words

Shift thoughts emotions through the wordsthh 

sci fi

When the sci fi section moves into current affairs

One wonders what else is there to wonder about 

Even the deep sea bed, 

Fertile ground for tentacled horrors

With dangling lights to lure prey,

undersea volcanoes frothing lava in water,

Risks being mined, 

exposed to banality

Outerspace once out of reach

is swimming with debris

Earth is crumbling, festering, boiling, melting, exploding

It's only a matter of time

Before sci fic dreams

Lie in historical fiction

#jemstones #spwm25 #spwm25Day21 #plscrit #SciFiPrompt

to be a parent

To be a parent

Is a go on a journey most trodden

And still forge your path alone

To cheer lead kids to believe in themselves when they don't 

Give them that shoulder to cry on 

In a loss

Pick up and move on  

after a loss

The Night of the Loss 

When the smiles

for the camera, wellwishers

are taken down

the delirium of being on the 9pm news

wears off

and going to bed has been put off 

as long as possible

sobs wrack the bony shoulders 

under the weight of loss 

after months of practice

 

the heart twisting 

with each new wave 

of dashed hopes, self -recrimination

wanting to be better, 

care less, but unable to,

she folds into her sister

who lets her cry

soothes her to sleep

tells her tomorrow is another day.

#jemstones #spwm25 #noprompt

#opentocrit 

Tears fall fast on the sister's lap

Who hugs her as she whispers

Of course you fight to win, 

If not why fight at all

wanting to be a better loser 

but wanting to wail as well 

with the worry that she let the team down

she folds into her sisters lap

to ask why

When the

And the well wishers hugged and thanked while s

to write a speech

To write a speech 

is to watch a blank page vanish 

under black marks that signify 

thoughts taking shape, 

thoughts that must ebb and flow 

in the easy cadence of speech,

harnessing the power of three

so ideas breeze through the audience, 

with cascading words that take hold 

of the imagination,

connect to the world they know 

to bridge to one they don't,

with a touch of sass, but never crass.

Strike that, add this, shift it to the end, 

call upon an idiom but give it a twist 

so it stays fresh.

Say it once, then say it again,

ask a question

that has only one answer, yours.

Anticipate what the other will say

Then swoop in with swagger

To win the day

Let your eyes widen,

hands slash the air,

whisper first then boom,

but only speak 

of what you know to be true

and the audience is yours!  

#jemstones #spwm25day4 #plscrit #InnerEchoPrompt

prometheus

Would Prometheus weep today to see

us scorch the other in fury

forests sporting orange grey

corals bleach in shame

the hole in the fabric of the sky 

mother Gaia pillaged for greed

sucked into a vortex, 

spinning darker, deeper 

than the pit of Tartarus? 

Would he turn to the eagle himself, 

chest open, 

kick brother Atlas in the knees

so this marble tumbles 

off his mighty shoulders

back into Chaos,

to start again

this time without fire?

#jemstones #spwm25 #spwm25day18 #PrometheusPrompt #plscrt

Might he open up his chest himself 

to the great bird in despair 

Join that guy rolling the rock foreve 

planet poem

Celestial meeting to discuss trade

Red rain spurs the god of war on Mars 

Venus tosses her hair as she steps out of water

Jupitor looms large trident in hand

Gaia twirls in her blue green gown

Saturn 

Mercury (god of commerce and messenger), Venus (goddess of love and beauty), Mars (god of war), Jupiter (king of the gods), Saturn (god of agriculture), Uranus (god of the sky), Neptune (god of the sea), and Pluto (god of the underworld). 

Cocktail Party for the Gods

Mercury sent a message

Said he'd be late

Venus glistened in, Cupid in tow

Hair dripping wet

Gaia swirled in blue green silk 

Bosom heaving

Mars stormed in

Eyes and swords abalze

Jupitor adjusted his crown

64 moons fanning his ego

Saturn ran rings round the room

Topping up the salad bowls

Uranus stood in the balcony

Smouldering at Gaia

Neptune created waves

Tossing his windswept hair

Pluto brooded in the basement

Having lost his membership

Bacccus tended the bar

Orpheus led the band

Drunk on divine nectar

They missed Prometheus

Slip away with a torch.

#jemstones #spwm25 #spwmday17 #wip #somuchfuntowrite

#plscrit

See references: 

Mercury: the messenger god

Venus: goddess of love and beauty Mars: god of war 

Jupiter: king of the gods

Saturn: god of agriculture

Uranus: god of the sky 

Neptune: god of the sea

Pluto: god of the underworld

day 14

I became the girl I said I wouldn't 

I used to worship George of Famous Five 

for her flat refusal of gender roles,

her unruly short curls, her scowl, 

for why should girls have sunny smiles,

only to have my Sec 3 teacher beam at me 

when scanning the class for feminine girls

And i used to rail and seethe inside,

at little Beth getting everyone tea 

while Fatty condescended 

Only to find myself, voluntarily, 

preparing instant noodles for friends on a trip

while they gushed at how homely I was 

And now I am the one 

with biscuits and tea 

for girls at debate practice

gummies for cranky kids on planes 

homemade cake for meetings

having embraced that

I can be a feminine feminist 

who throws a hellava good party.

#jemstones #spwm25 #spwm25day24 #spwmday16 #plscrit #2in1

 #ResistancePrompt #GirlPrompt

company of poets

“When I am most hurt, / this is how I see the world, / monochrome, the contrast turned / way up.” This is from Leila Chatti’s poem “Seaside,” published in 32 Poems (No. 41, Summer 2023). How do you see the world when you are most hurt? Spend a few minutes either thinking or freewriting about this question, and then write a poem with whatever comes to mind.  You can take your poem in any direction you choose. It doesn’t have to directly answer this question or respond to the lines from Leila Chatti’s poem.

day 11 punch dialogue

day 10 narrative cyxle

day 9

Shall I compare thee to an IPhone

Thou art more lovely and more sleek

Rough thumbs do swipe the shiny screens alone

And each new release stays new barely a week

Sometimes too hot its silver body burns

And often is its battery life dimmed

And every joker sometimes yearns

To chance one that is different trimmed

But thy x factor shall not fade,

Nor lose possession of that style thou ow’st;

Nor shall Elon brag thou wander’st in his shade,

When in eternal instagram posts thou followers grow’st:

So long as attention spans 60 sec or less

So long lives this remix, so dont stess

#jemstones #spwm25Day9 #WorkItOutOnTheRemixPrompt #plscrit #wip

 

day 8

V2

Saw the news

Decided to pop back into bed

The bears have the right idea

Sleep off winter, wake up in spring

I might need an alarm though 

Not sure how long this winter may be

But... what if I dont recognise the world 

when I wake up

That could be disorientating, 

to say the least

Like America may be yelling 

"My kingdom for an egg"

China may be holding peace talks

Between US and THEM

Penguins may be charging us 

Gawking tax

Russia, China and US may have swallowed

Ukraine, Taiwan and Greenland

Malaysia may claim back Singapore

Africa all of Mankind

Earth may have quaked and sobbed so much 

Mars may be more attractive 

Esp after US nukes Iran 

And rest of the world nukes US

But Musk may be the only one repopulating it

A new world order in 10 weeks? 

Definitely possible

Would be dull actually 

If nothing changed 

Wake me up though wont you

When the dust has settled?

#jemstones #spwm25day8 #OutAndUpPrompt

 

---

Saw the news

Decided to pop back into bed

The bears have the right idea

Sleep off winter, wake up in spring

I might need an alarm though 

Not sure how long this winter may be

But... what if I dont recognise the world 

when I wake up

That could be disorientating, 

to say the least

Like America may be yelling 

"My kingdom for an egg"

China may be holding peace talks

Between EU and US

Penguins may be charging us 

Gawking tax

Russia, China and US may have swallowed

Ukraine, Taiwan and Greenland

Malaysia may claim back Singapore

Africa all of Mankind

Earth may have quaked and sobbed so much 

Mars may be more attractive 

Esp after US nukes Iran 

And rest of the world nukes US

But Musk may be the only one repopulating it

A new world order in 10 weeks? 

Definitely possible

Would be dull actually 

If nothing changed 

Wake me up though wont you

When the dust has settled?

#jemstones #spwm25day8 #OutAndUpPrompt

 

day 7

Letter to younger self

1. At 11 you worry aboit curly hair. Trust me curly hair rocks

2. At 10 you wanted to be a boy coz all the stories you read the boys did the fun and dangerous stuff oe the girls who looked like boys. Update. You do all that and more as a girl

3. When you picked up that book at 10 in relief it became a lifellong habit thank goodnes

4 you changed too. When you read outsiders you cried when johnny died. When darryl cried you said you deserve it now a parent you cry when darryl cries. 

And god of small things omg you felt so much for the characters now you als yourself what was she thinking.  Who was she to mess with his life like that. 

Whats happened to tou

Play tennis allyou can. Too soon you wont be able to

day 5

Walk up to centre stage

Wait for the spotlight

Now start 

Some days,

I'd like to be a better person 

but I'm not sure how

when I'm lying in bed 

drained out of every ounce of energy,

watching the ceiling fan whirr my dreams into the air fragmented

Pause for effect 

Like, I'd like to 

watch soccer with the son

dance with the youngest

laugh with the eldest

Wistful smile 

I'd like to write poetry 

Maybe I will.

Exit stage left ( nor pursued by bear).

#jemstones #spwm25day5 #plscrit #StageDirectionsPrompt

---

Some days,

I'd like to be a better person 

but I'm not sure how,

when I'm lying in bed 

drained out of every ounce of energy,

watching the ceiling fan whirr my dreams into the air fragmented

Like I'd like to 

watch soccer with the son

dance with the youngest

laugh with the eldest

I'd like to write poetry 

Maybe I will.

I 

chantek

Cantik may be my favourite word in Malay

A language I should know so much better

A word as soft, endearing, cheeky sweet in sound as in meaning...

A smile the only way to respond

when a grandfather greets

his knee high princess, 

wearing a paper crown

Cantik lah! 

*Pronounced as "chantek"

day 4

V5 

To write a speech 

is to watch a blank page vanish 

under black marks that signify 

thoughts taking shape, 

thoughts that must ebb and flow 

in the easy cadence of speech,

harnessing the power of three

so ideas breeze through the audience, 

with cascading words that take hold 

of the imagination,

connect to the world they know 

to bridge to one they don't,

with a touch of sass, but never crass.

Strike that, add this, shift it to the end, 

call upon an idiom but give it a twist 

so it stays fresh.

Say it once then say it again,

ask a question

that has only one answer, yours,

let your eyes widen,

hands slash the air,

whisper first then boom,

but only speak 

of what you know to be true

and the audience is yours!  

#jemstones #spwm25day4 #plscrit #InnerEchoPrompt

----

V4

To write a speech 

is to watch a blank page vanish 

under black marks that signify 

thoughts taking shape, 

thoughts that must ebb and flow 

in the easy cadence of speech,

harnessing the power of three,

so ideas breeze through the audience, 

with cascading words that take hold 

of the imagination,

connect to the world they know 

to bridge to one they don't,

with a touch of sass, but never crass

Strike that, add this, shift it to the end, 

call upon an idiom but give it a twist 

so it stays fresh

Let your eyes widen

Hands slash the air

Whisper first then boom

But only speak 

of what you know to be true

And the audience will be yours!  

#jemstones #spwm25day4 #plscrit #InnerEchoPrompt

---

V3

To write a speech 

is to watch a blank page vanish 

under black marks that signify 

thoughts taking shape, 

thoughts that must ebb and flow 

in the easy cadence of speech,

harnessing the power of three,

so ideas breeze through the audience, 

with cascading words that take hold 

of the imagination,

connect to the world they know 

to bridge to one they don't,

with a touch of sass, but never crass

Strike that, add this, shift to the end, 

call upon an idiom but give it a twist 

so it stays fresh

And of course always speak 

of what you know to be true

And the audience will be yours!  

#jemstones #spwm25day4 #plscrit #InnerEchoPrompt

--

V2 

To write a speech 

is to watch a blank page vanish 

under black marks that signify 

thoughts taking shape, 

thoughts that must ebb and flow 

in the easy cadence of speech,

harnessing the power of three,

so ideas breeze through the audience, 

with cascading words that take hold 

of the imagination,

connect to the world they know 

to bridge to one they don't,

tap on humor 

with a touch of sass, but never crass

Strike that, add this, shift to the end, 

call upon an idiom but give it a twist 

so it stays fresh

And of course always speak 

of what you know to be true

And the audience will be yours!  

--'

To write a speech 

is to watch a blank page vanish 

under black marks that signify 

thoughts taking shape, 

thoughts that must ebb and flow 

in the easy cadence of speech,

harnessing the power of three,

with cascading words that take hold 

of the imagination,

connect to the world they know 

to bridge to one they don't,

tap on humor they lap up,

with a touch of sass, but never crass.

Strike that, add this, 

shift that to the end, 

call upon an idiom

but give it a twist 

so it stays fresh

And of course 

always speak from the heart 

of what you know to be true

And the audience will be yours, forever. 

day 3

Some days I can't take it any more

When I've been up since 2am

Writing debate speeches for the youngest 

And so missed the pasta that had gone bad, 

And so had the youngest fall violently sick 

Just when i was at the airport seeing off my folks

And so had to rush home to take her to the doctors 

And give her meds

And long to collape into bed

Only to find...

I can't take it anymore

That the son went to tuition 

Without the test he failed

And still 

To have him beg me for permisson 

to watch a movie with his friends the next day

That i gave because he wore me out

To have him home, lost to the laptop for 4 hours, while i coached and cajoled fhe youngest to have confidence in her debates

Without touching his homework without me hovering and reminding

I can't take it anymore

Work

The kids

I couldn't even write this poem 

Though it's writing itself now

I can't take it anymore.

day 1

A poem that is big loud and full of sound

What is loud

Surround Sound

My son's basketball 

thud thud thudding

My husband

mmchmmn chewing 

My daughters heaahahahhaaaayah! 

laughter pealing 

The pressure cooker whistling

hissing steaming 

Coocoo tweet tweet whew pee

pitch perfect morning symphony 

The roaring bus 

gathering speed at green light

Doors slamming in the wind and rain

and, like thunder after lightening

"Close the door proeprly!"

toddler magic

Toddler Alert on. The MRT

A toddler in the train

gurgling at the lights

turns the standing-only compartment

into a hub of silent bustle.

The Indian bespectacled uncle 

waves at him from one corner,

the Chinese aunty with red hair makes funny faces from another, 

the tattoed daughter and her mother, shopping bags at their feet, 

blow kisses

while the Malay grandfather 

beams over the pram,

and so,

for a few stops,

this compartment of weary travellers

glued to their phones,

becomes an animated kampong,

where folk actually seek eye contact

to connect over a cooing baby...

------'z

Maybe a toddler in the train

is all that we need

for us to bestow smiles to the other

shyly, slowly, 

lest this magic breaks.

----

Kampong Train

A toddler in the train,

smiling toothlessly

at the wonders of bright lights,

turns the standing-only cabin of the MRT

into a hub of silent bustle 

with the Indian bespectacled uncle waving at him from one corner,

the Chinese aunty with dyed red hair making funny faces from another, 

the tattoed daughter and her mother, shopping bags at their feet, 

blowing kisses,

while the Malay grandfather beams over the pram,

and so, for a few stops,

the train of usually weary travellers, 

sullenly staring at their phones,

becomes an animated kampong

of folk who catch one another's eyes 

for a chance to connect over a cooing baby...

Maybe that's all we need.

little kids

I.see kids keen high skipping and tumbling past me with envy..

These little things linger to see butterflies and flowers and odd shaped pebbles, having to be dragged across to school,  then roll head over heels or cartwheel, on a grass patch. 

Living only in the now joyfully

While parents and caregivers look ahead as they must perhaps

fire

V3 

Homam

From a bed of wood

rise orange tongues

that test the wind, 

swallow whole,

grains, spices,

honey, milk, curd,

reach higher and higher

then dance, 

to the beat of the thaval

the lilt of the nadaswaram

in a mesmerizing haze

Heat emnates in waves, 

burns away the chaff,

purifies us 

to our essence

----

Omam

The fire swallows

grains and spices raw,

honey, milk and curd 

Then dances in tongues

To the tune of the thaval, 

the nadaswaram

Mesmerising

Burning awah 

Spreading heat 

Light 

Homam

From a bed of wood

rise orange tongues

that test the wind, 

swallow whole,

grains, spices,

honey, milk, curd,

reach higher and higher

then dance 

to the beat of the thaval, 

the lilt of the nadaswaram,

in a mesmerizing haze.

Heat enmates in waves, 

burns away the chaff,

leaving us purified, 

in our essence 

creative non fiction

How I Lost My Wedding Ring

I am on a cruise ship in Mykonos with my husband of two years, headed to hot springs and I can't wait. 

But the ship stops in the middle of the ocean. The captain points vaguely to a far off shore, and says, go! Fellow passengers jump off like seals and penguins. 

No life jacket in sight, my husband the wise says no.. 

i strip down to my red hot bikini, the one i bought just for this trip so i could wear it far from anyone i know. I finger my wedding ring nervously, sit at the edge of the ship and look at the long way down to the blue.

The one floating ring has been taken by now. Not one to say no to anything though, i jump in, a red brown flame in a blue green diamond, 

I splash in the general direction 

but it doesn't get any nearer . 

My arms are going to fall off.  My chest burns. But the ship is as far behind me as the shore is before me

so i keep going 

Greedily drinking in every breath

as burly white folk sail past me laughing

The blue green turns light brown and i think Sand! 

I can stand 

But when i try

My feet dont touch the ground 

then i really scramble, fingers reaching for the nothing that is water, every breath now a fight

I see a couple chatting right by me in the water

I look at them with a mix of envy and relief and say

Excuse me sir

I'm having a bit of a trouble here

May i hold on to your arm

I dont think he understands a word but bless him, he  holds out his hand 

i grab it, careful not to break ità

While i marvel at how polite i an on the brink of drowning 

The lady just watches me as i scan the sea and find a target - a solitary rock like a lingam in the sea 

I summon the last dredges of energy and splash to it, grasp it tight, climb and stand, shivering in my red bikini. 

A fellow singaporean guy ( no matter how far i fly i cant fully get away!) floats by in a ring and i extend a hand to help him, for a dying girl can sense a dying man

He takes my hand and floats right past

Nary a glance my way 

The spring waits for me at my back

I waddle over and sit Determindly in the it 

Acknowledge the warm water, that Im alive 

But i better head back

Now i go straight for the ship 

A clear target

I alternate between dog paddling and back flipping

In between

I see my clueless man snapping pictures of me as i draw each breath like my last, mouth wide open, salt crystalising on my tongue

I shiver up the ladder and fall into his arms

Where's your ring he asks

The stupid man

I nearly died I say.

Well

So that's why my wedding ring lies at the bottom of the Greek Ocean

And why i took up swimming lessons as soon as i landed back in singapore 

Ruefully acknowledging 

That half knowledge is far more deadly than no knowledge. 

sonic boom poem 2

Lovely lyrics echo poem

Inspired by illaya nila

இளைய நிலா பொழிகிறதே

Mohan strums the guitar that tugs at my heart

SP Bala fills the air,

I am 10, 16, 25, 43

வரும் வழியில் பனி மழையில்

பருவ நிலா தினம் நனையும்

The young moon bathes in dew

I look for that same moon every night

out of my window

She doesn't come one night, I actually cry

முகிலினங்கள் அலைகிறது முகவரிகள் தொலைந்தனவோ

My heart searches too 

Like the clouds for your voice 

But you left no address 

முகவரிகள் தவறியதால் அழுதிடுமோ அது மழையோ

The sky darkens

My upturned face lifts tears to the rain

For the clouds to wipe them dry

உலா போகும் மேகம்,  

கனா காணுமே, 

விழா காணுமே வானமே

Now I can dance with the moon too

sonic boom poem 1

Inspiration: Mayanginaen Solla Thayanginaen

V2 

On a beach, sand underfoot

blue green waves wash the shore

A love song sings friendship,

lilting voices spilling laughter 

Cassete tapes entwine lives

Record, Rewind, Play

Just seventeen 

The world a carpet 

Unrolling before their feet

What can a song do?

Where can it take us? 

Where have we gone?

------

Lying on a beach, 

sand underfoot, blue green waves 

wash the shore

Floating above dancing waves 

twinkling gold 

in the light 

After the rain

The sky washed fresh 

Green is lush abundunance 

Love song that sings 

friendship,  lilting voices

Spilling laughter 

Cassete tapes 

entwinine lives of best friends 

Record, Rewind, Play

Just seventeen 

The world a carpet

Before their feet

What can a song do

Where can it take us?

Where have we gone? 

trump 2.0

Trump is back

Im not surprised

He's doing these things, if i am to believe the news

1.No lgbtq flag, No black lives matter flags only usa flags 

2. No affirmative action for minorities + firing DEI hires

3. Fired first female leader of the navy

4. Pulled out of WHO

5. Pulled out of Paris climate pact

6. Threatening to take greenland by force from denmark 

7. Deporting people . Sending them home in handcuffs. Or to guatanemo bay which is a torture facility

8. Renamed a mountain so it no longer honours native americans but an imperialist us president 

9. Renamed gulf of mexico to gulf of usa

10. Trying to change the constitution to allow a 3rd term for presidents 

11. He has arrested over a 1000 immigrants already. 

12. Ice fellows are going into schools. Some teachers are inviting ice into schools to nab non english speaking students. 

13. He has fired people who tried to investigate his crimes 

14. He has pardoned all the rioters of the Jan 6, 2020, who stormed the capitol. 

15. A plan crashed into a helicoptor on jan 30. Instead of rallying people together, reassuring them that they will investigate, praising first responders etc, he chooses to politicise the tragedy. Blames obama, biden, democrats and dei hires. With no evidence whatsoever. Under this guy, those who fail will have rug pulled from under them. Asked if reporters expect him to go swimming when they askes if he would visit the crash site. 

16. 2 days later another plan crash in Philadelphia. Like what? 7 people dead now. 

17. musk has access to all social security numbers, private data of all citizens. Those who tried to block his access have been fired. 

18. Tarrifs on Mexico and China and Canada. Next day, postponed by a month. Mexico amd canada giving him what they already agreed to give weeks or months earlier. The only way to deal with a toddler like bully. 

19. 

He says he will end the 2 devastating wars. Hope so

But...hes been 

1. Releasing sale of massive weapons to israel

2. Telling well done to arab nations for taking in Palestinians, can they take more so we clear the place of palestenians. Coz place is devastated. 

Not so hopeful 

Update on 7 feb. 

Gwee Li Sui said it best when he said its like watching a bad netflix series that has signed on 47 more seasons. And its not even a month. He got into official power on Jan 20?

Here's more of his drama 

1. Said he'd accept Gaza from Israel. Clear peoole out to live in beautiful places in neighboring countries. Turn gaza into riveria. No us troops but this miracle will be done

Firstly, who is israel to gift gaza to us?

Then, what about what the people of the land want and are fighting for?

plane horror

Taking a plane seems more risky now than before

Today an American plane just crashed into an army helicoptor in mid air. Clear night. How? 

Recently a korean flight had some bird incident and then lost control,hit runway belly first and crashed into a wall

 179 dead! 

In Taiwan, i think, a fire raged thru the cabin near landing time or something. 

Recently russia shot down another passenger plane.

Those were the disasters. 

Then there are troubled flights. Akshaya, had to suddenly show proof of her parents passports before being allowed into holland. 

We took off late, missed our connexting flight and had to break journey in turkey

Ashwin left his phone behind on our way back

My parents nrarly couldn't board their flight coz the system didnt recognise @ alias

Any smooth journey is truly to be cherished. 

tuesday

You are my Tuesday mornings

The gently lapping waves along the morning shore

The sea teaching us to breathe in and breathe out 

Steady 

 to the rhythm of the tides 

The waves that wash the shore back and forth

dhanush

Okay hes a cool.actor and comea across as humble and shy and super talented. 

But

There are a couple of niggling warning signs 

He may be a chauvanist

1. Why this kolaveri shot him to.success

 But he rode it with anirudh, and left his wife aishwarya behind

2. Promotion of celebration of rowdy baby song featured only him. Suspect he may have been jealous of sai pallavis success 

3. Now nayanthara, hes acting childish to the core demanding money from her use of a 30 sec clip from the movie that shot her to fame . Hes won the lawsuit by the way. Says he even owns the copyright to costumes she wore in that 30 sec clip. Why this kolaveri?

application

Dear god

What is my research focus 

Assessment practices in lit

What do our current assessment practices assess

In Literature we do so much. Explore connextions to self and world and other readers. Think about the inpact of our actions and beliefs on society. 

How much of these do our current assessment tasks allow students to demonstrate 

How can assessment be designed and scored differently 

Bearing in mind the close connection between teaching, learning and assessment, what impact would different types of assessment have on students thinking and learning? 

Inquiry is a key focus of the new syllabus. How can assessment support student inquiry into texts. 

Sharpen my assessment literacy skills 

Research questions

What 

---

Langet speaks of envisionments, blai of how we learn to read the world when we 

Talk about how other systems assess

 What i am curious to try and to find out about

-World to self to text connection

-More choice and range of texts 

-multiomodal and comparative

-lrf lpp all broad and wide. Full of rich possibilities. How can assessment be broadened too

- does the current assesment interfere with the joy of reading, experiencing, analysing and evaluating literature . How can assessment support joy of learning? 

- product proxy for process.  But with generative ai, the product can be produced bypassing the process.  What does this mean for literature assessment. Nov 22 is watershed monent that heralded the urgent need for change in how we think about testing.

- assessment to reflect students individual thought..  how to get that

How does a form of assessment impact the way we think about texts and learning

Assessment seems to limit the range od things we could do in lit that would be meaniningful and engaging. E.g. compare works of lit.  Compare multimodal representations of themes of a text... in film, comic book, traditioal text

Allowing for choice in what we do and how we do in lit, after some basics in place. For the expansion of the mind. P

Assessment 

Ib has an oral assessment component

.10 min talk and 5 min q and a. 

I really like the q and a portion. Trains us for interview skills. 

Some quotes lines to use

-oceanic mind:  emotion, cognition fro. Burke

Zwann's model of literary reading

Paul werth text world theory