Update I story idea

Okay did my rant on what'ssap! Need to save it! Lots of good ideas in there clarified my thinking quite a bit! 

Now have a new story idea. 

A story based on what'ssap conversations! Why not right? There have been novels based I letters, email conversations, telephone calls... Diary entries - What'ssap is the next thing! It's got group chats personal chats potential to demonstrate human capacity to simultaneously think of many things and to jump from one to another likd a monkey with ease! 

Takes stream of consciousness writing to a new level really! A kind of writing experiment like the ones by the New York school poets! 

Mind brimming with things to write!

Yes indeed! My mind is just full now - 

I have two or more stories I need to wrote down- stories I made up for the kids 

I want to note my discomfort with xenophobia and racism I am experiencing now

I want to write all the funny sweet things my kids are saying! 

I also want to rush around doing my work! Like pack akshaya's books and get ready for her school! 

But.. Writing first! 

Prawn masala

So Devi made my day asking for my prawn curry recipe:)

Thought I'd write it down coz it's just in my head 

Prawns- 1-2 kg

Green pepper one in thin slices

Onion- 1 large in chopped small

Small onions a handful - peeled and halved

Tomatoes 3 quartered 

Small red Chillies 3 cut in half 

Curry leaves 

Coriander garlic 3 pods and ginger - ground together without water

Black pepper and Seeragam coarsest pounded - 1 tablespoon 

Oil

Fry Black pepper Seeragam sombu little 

Add Curry leaves and fry 

Add Onion and green pepper 

Add Chili fry 

Add Tomato

Add garlic coriander and ginger mix fry 

Add prawns fry

Add salt and ground pepper fry 

Add little water for requied consistency 

Cook around 15 min 

Moving house

It's no joke moving house! 

Discarding packing unpacking discarding arranging lists to buy

Renovation

Shallow life?

Hearing brooks poetry now about truth - sun appearing after long night years - and I feel - what are our struggles? Compared to others what is ours? 

Then I forget about some lows in our lives too

Joy of Learning

Coursera has opened up my life to so  much, and I must say, I enjoy learning.
I thirst after it, I can lose myself in it
I am doing a course now on Modern Poetry. It is just AMAZING.
I read poetry, I watch discussions on it, I read what poets have to say about other people's poetry, then I answer quizzes, and write essays, and peer mark other essays and read others' responses to my essays, I write my queries to the instructor directly and am honoured to have him respond to me directly....

can you see what is happening? It is a world unto itself, A world I can disappear into and it is not a solitary world - it is a world peopled with folks like me who love poetry and are discussing it and understanding the world differently through our encounter with words.

When I do this - I write and revise my essays, and give peer reviews of others essays, I do it not wanting to do anything else! I don't feel like working, I just feel like doing this.

I read and listen to poems and discussion while breast feeding or while travelling, but the writing and reviewing, I do it at my desk in the office during lunch hour! (maybe eating into office hours too of course)

sigh. I guess I am lucky to be able to know what I love and do what I love

the question I have is though, if that is what I love, what am I doing here at work?

I have always maintained -  my first love is Literature, second love is Teaching and now I am... doing admin work for teaching of literature - its kind a middle ground. I feel perhaps, I am fulfilling some 'calling' in getting the support for lit straightened out. but I must remember, I am not indispensable, I should not make myself indispensable either. I need to leave successors so I can continue with what I love and not get stuck on a middle ground that touches on my loves but doesn't allow me to dive into it.

well, that's it for now. just wanted to record my joy in discovery of poetry. I am now a fan of: Emily Dickinson and William Carlos William. I like Allan Ginsberg, have encountered the works of H.D. and Stein - Stein is hard work I tell you, not quite my cup of tea - a bit too abstract for me. and  my favourite poem so far - Dance Russe - Who is to say I am not the happy genius of my household? ! also love the two line poem about the subway - such an elation I felt when I thought I cracked the poem - the image of petals on a wet bough - pretty colours slick against a dark shiny background, and the apparition of faces - the reflection of many colours on the windows of the subway train - wow - what an image.

I also get the red wheelbarrow and the this is just to say - about plums, finally. I appreciate them now that I am learning about imagism and the imagist manifesto!

There is so much I don't know, that I need to learn!  

Losing my youth

How do I know I've lost my youth? 

When I see the sea

And I see dirt and tepid water

And not the Sea of endless possibility 

When I see the pool and while swimming I pause 

To think

This is such dirty water! 

Please don't let me lose the child in me completely , ever 

Then I see this and before I'm aware of the possible artifice of the gesture, I feel a thrill and hope there's still hope ... For me 

toying with open kitchen

ha
for awhile, we were toying with the idea of an open kitchen - but it looks to be a pipe dream:)
guess it was fun to think about , but I should not forget a more important mantra - very hard to change habits!
ahha, so, frequent cleaning, and keeping things spick and span is just not a habit I could cultivate easily, so no point testing it with a glass wall in between the hall and kitchen

second thing - I have always wanted more wall space to put up pics of my kids and ourselves and all - so now, I can have that! that's got to be a good thing!

third - I could possibly have a place to put by recyclable stuff - maybe - also a good thing

this planning for the new house has been fun:)
it's been mostly me - but - being the control freak that I am - that's quite okay! haha, I get to design the place - how bout that!

anyways - that's all for now

Bewildered

I need to fight the very demons I scold my mum for

Blaming myself , being overly apologetic, bending over backwards to accommodate people over promising and secretly mucking up things:( 

Because of me

But self recrimination is toxic

Infects everyone 

I will stop. 

Doesn't mean. Not taking responsibility but still not dwelling in it and beating myself up over it. 

In the spirit of giving people the sessions they want to attend.. 

I may have to turn away 13 people. I pray to god these 13 are easy to turn away. 

 1. Do up master list for ref

2. Do up lists for p5, and w2. Establish needs to be turned away at all. 

Life in the 21st century

Hyper connected ... Yet disconnected 

Life in the 21st century

Hyper connected ... Yet disconnected 

Where you have a world full of friends and no one to talk to 

Even to write is now to type

Where to write is to think is now to type is to think

How our world is changing 

A few good friends or many friends

When I was in jc1 or 2, Muralee said something about me that I didn't know till then- I talk a lot but I don't really share much about myself. 

It's true. 

So now... Well he again asked me like a slap across my face - so who do you hang out with? Just Siva? 

Ouch! I mean I don't only hang out with Siva. I hang out with Malar and Sutha and Subair and yas and Kannan and sham. 

But it's still pretty much just that group. 

Amelia occasionally 

But.. Ya feeling a bit strange. 

Yest Lubna met up with a bunch of people, including Amelia and bharathi. How did that happen I wonder? 

No End in Sight

As I write, people are dying
This is true always I suppose
But.. it seems harder now
Israel and Palestine
They have been at war for centuries, truly
but now.. today, I know a bit more and so I feel a bit more

Israel has killed children in their sleep, children in the park, children on the beach
How bloody is that?
Hamas is firing rockets relentlessly into Israel
Despite all the killing of children, Israel has been unable to stop the harmless rockets
I say harmless but they are tactical
They suggest power to hit back at Israel
So they are not harmless but quite powerful, even if they do not take lives as yet

What is all this?
How can it end?
Will it end?

1. Hamas is firing rockets to ask Israel to lift the blockade imposed on them. This blockade does not allow Gaza people to move freely or live independently or with dignity

2. Israel imposed the blockade because they do not want to allow Hamas to be supplied with ammunition for war and attack. But the blockade of course affects all people, not just Hamas

3. Was Hamas democratically elected? are they a terrorist group? are they freedom fighters? I don't know. Its just a term maybe.

4. So now, Israel is so close to wiping out the Palestine. They are not going to stop. They can face all the recrimination from the world for war crimes later on. No problems. Like Sri Lanka and the Tamil Tigers. They just went ahead and destroyed the LTT and all civilians in the way, to end the war between them. Now they can face justice for war crimes for ever. It will not matter. Those lives lost will not come back. Everything that has happened, has already happened.

5. Israel is not going to stop. If they stop and lift the blockade, after all this, of course, they can expect people to re-arm themselves and they have to brace themselves for attach after some time, as revenge for the 1300 lives lost in three weeks. That's just the beginning.

6. Hamas is not going to stop. If they do, Israel will come down harder on them, reduce them to living pathetically, even more pathetically than before. What kind of a life will that be?

7. So both will keep fighting until one is defeated

8. Palestine now cannot defeat Israel. So the fighting will go on until Palestine is no more, really.

9. Then what?

10. OR, the fighting will go on till Hamas is defeated and they surrender. Then what? Okay, life will be made miserable for some time. Then what? If they impose crazy laws that make living unbearable, Hamas or another group will just rise again. This will happen again. It happened in 2012, 2006, now it's 2014, it will happen again, 2016, or 17.. who knows. but it will happen again. People cannot live without dignity, without access to basic amenities, without a right to move around freely.

11. WW1 - how it ended led to WWII. Germany was made to bear full blame for every life lost, made to pay crippling war reparations, people left to feel ashamed to the core, and then angry and then like a wave, it rose again in WWII.

12. We cannot cripple people, even our enemies.

13. So now, tell me, how will this all end? 

Poems to submit

Home

When is a person not a person 

Devotion and desire 

Later on - the boy and the witch 

The poem for Devi? Change the names? No. After their baby then yes.

The poem I wrote after Kannas friend passed on? Not sure where it is even 

Something I wrote long ago when Appas friend passed on? 

When does a person stop being a person?

When does a person stop being a person? 

When people become  statistic

When one dead child becomes one of a hundred

When news of killings become 'old' news or the 'same' news

When the extraordinary becomes the ordinary 

When does a human stop being human? 

When we stop empathising

When we equate one person with the whole nation 

When one small child is seen as only the offspring of the enemy

When we see the enemy as less than human, we too become less than human 

- as Israel razes down Gaza and the world  watches... 

Love and in love

Whats the diff? Is there a diff? 

Yes...

Love - to love someone and be loved in return gives a feeling of solidness, safeness, cocooned in gods love

To be in love is to float in a feeling of headiness - light hearted absorbed every moment's intensity felt 10 times over...

One can't be in love all the time! 

One can love and be loved all the time 

To be in love is to love in a moment of heightened sensitivity / everything is felt more everthing means more 

To love and be loved is longer lasting less intense but with a safe and joyousness about it. 

So... We start by being in love, and move to being loved and loving.... That's a good way to go! 

But.... Not a one way street! Once in a while good to turn up the heat! Add that spice and be in love again! This mix wil keep the love going :) 

Guilt

Let's talk about the guilty mother guilty daughter syndrome shall we

I should strive to come home early when Saro is not in town regardless of what my mum says. I checked a few times I was assured I don't need to come early and then when I call I find our she wants to / needs to go home - to buy detergent and zip lock bags ! 

I offer solutions - buy them tomorrow in your way home - no - leave now - no- sigh. I feel useless and wretched. 

Now- to stop feeling that way. 

1. Her plans to go out came out Late She might be feeling trapped at my place and so going out after I'm home is a fun release for her. 

2. I just must make sure I'm home early because I must recognize she feels traped and needs to get the hell out. 

Yest they went out and came back after midnight. Today it's going to be the same. 

She's not capable of thinking beyond the minute. Seriously. 

So I should be prepared for that. 

Thoughts on poverty

Early this morning at 3 am ashwin started crying out a bit - I want bread Aatha- is there no more bread? - quite heart wrenching and this is when I do have bread! It's painful to hear your child ask for food - maybe that ths reason we rush to feed them even before they know they are hungry. 

It got me thinking - how many people in this world must really have that gut wrenching pain that they cannot feed their kids? Whose kids must be crying out- I'm hungry - and they are unable to feed them . How terribly terribly sad. 

Happy ;)

Just found a love poem my husband penned to me 11 years ago before we got married- his first and only love poem / to me anyway:)))) 

Super made my day!!!!!! 

A time to reflect

Yes. It's time to reflect. 

Nowadays , i pick up my phone and I'm reading on it all the time - real time news almost. I get the news before the papers. It's intoxicating and addictive. But also leaves almost no 'me' time to reflect at all. 

I'm having anger management issues again. How dangerous for young children to be left in the care of control freak parents- the robot won't open his eyes for medication! Whack the robot pour the whole bottle of med in his eye! 

Robot won't eat food scold and hot the robot saying it's for your own good I'm insisting you eat! 

Terrible right? For in our hands are kids not robots. I can't mould them - they aren't pliable clay . That frustrates . In quiet moments out of the heat I can think rationally. But in the moment- reason clouds over. And I wonder - is that why god took so long to give me kids? For I have deep within me a beast that needs to be tamed? 

I ply negative words on my daughter - saying. It's very bad she's not eating well. Not helpful. The concern is real and warranted but the delivery- phooey! 

So how? 

Deep breaths. 

Deep breaths 

Deep breaths 

Yoga. Meditate. Come back to the centre. Use the tapes Madhu have me. 

Ohm ohm ohm. Just 20 min a day for a refreshing start. 

Less anger less feeling of inadequacy. 

Yesterday I prayed that I should be present with my kids. And I was to some small extent.

Today I pray I'm present at work and present with  kids at home. 

Time on train- rather than rushing yo catch up on work or in other peoples lives- I can use to reflect. 

I need to give narayana mission things for ashwins birthday. And acres money for akshaya's birthday. 

Gaza and Palestine

Unbelievable genocide 

How to createa pr disaster

1. Listen to one complaint and remove a book from the shelves

2. When queried by the press and public, say the book is not pro-family

3. Then tell the world the books will be pulped as per regulations 

4. Then refuse to compromise

5. Then get minister of communications to establish that the role of the library is to reflect societal norms , not challenge them ( huh? Why is a library"s role one or the other anyway??? What happened to just be neutral????) stupidly define roles for the library 

6 after falsely narrowing role of library, the. Proceed to narrowly define societal norms- yes sir, societal norms = usual family= one man! one woman and their children!!!!!!!!!

Hurrah!

Now - how about single parent families, families with adopted children as well as other kinds of families?

Geeat - just ignore them they are a minority and a cumbersome problem

Well done minister and library 

Writers protest 

People protest 

Protest against:

1. Who defines societal norms?

2. Parents have a right to select books for kids - libraries don't censor

3. Stop alienating lgbt people and favoring a few narrow minded extremists 

Ridiculous 

It's a relief the library has agreed to move two of the offending books to the adults section- an easy compromise they could have been done ages ago without ego and ministers in the way.

One lovely lesson- do not underestimate the power of people protest even in Singapore. 

Of books and libraries and societal norms

I should title this how not to get entangled In a pr disaster really" 

So much so much this past week

My mind is full - I'm exhausted by the events of the past week and I'm not even directly involved.

1. Of books and libraries and societal norms

2. Of censorship 

3. Of gaza and Palestine and genocide 

4.Of planes and missile attacks and civilian casualties

5. Of social media and responsibility 

6. Of addiction to gadgets at expense of child rearing and building of relationships 

Each of these deliver an entry! And so I begin

What are book about?

A book about the adoption of abandoned girl babies has become about lesbian couples wanting to raise children

A book about two penguins bringing up an orphan chick has become about normalizing gay couples raising children 

We bring our lens to a book. It means for us what we want it to mean, what we choose it to mean. There is no one Inherebt 'meaning' to a book 

They are banning a book - pulping destroying a book - 

because it depicts a lesbian couple adopting a baby girl saying it is inappropriate for kids . 

I cry foul. 

How can a book that talks about the parents love for an adopted child be banned? About a child getting a chance at life be banned? Talk about reductivism.  Myopism. Has yaccob Ibrahim read the book? Dare he comment without reading? Public can be blind and stupid but our leaders  too? 

I know of adopted children who are upset their parents gave them up. Here is a book that shows the joy of the parents adopting the child. The adopted child need not feel abandoned but cherished. And they ban this book. 

I cry foul. 

I ask - have you read the book? Read then comment. 

Weight chart

July 2014 - 59 kg

Mudhal mariyathai

A movie with strong women and admirable heroes

Radha- Shivaji respects her because she doesn't kow tow to him coz she dares to speak up to him defy him sing yesapaatu to him- she treats him as an equal but with respect- in stark contrast to his wife of course

Interestingly his wife too is a strong woman! Rather than fall into the submissive type valorized by society, she refuses to see sivaji as her savior- ad one who marries her despite being spoilt goods- coz she doesn't accept that she is spoiled goods! For her then Shivaji is the trap her father set - she feels shackled and this is bitter but film vilifies her. I could do another voice - her voice!!!!! Embittered villie actually not so. 

One year sabbatical

How bout that? I could do a one year sabbatical! Maybe to an ib school teaching ib el and them transplanting ideas across. Is that secondment posting or sabbatical? Doing sabbatical overseas not practical - not when Akshaya is just starting primary Sch. 

Or I aim to start studying with scholarship- if that doesn't come thru I try for a sabbatical? 

The bible course week 5 thoughts

Public access? Thought bible was only read by the masses during the Protestant revolution during king Henry the Viii time. Till then priests read the bible to the people with their interpretations???

What I understand then

Bible was always written with concept of us against them mentality 

Always a duality-  of a true god and other false gods,  of a chosen people and a forsaken rest of the world, of only one way to heaven and all other ways leading to hell, of protecting one's own against the rest 

These are basic human proclivities -A craving to belong , thereby necessitating exclusion - and writers have penned it down as gods law! 

So Judah and Israel the heroes in thisd'z narrative Egypt the villain 

Did god speak to the prophets ? Doubtlessly. However point remains we also hear what we want to hear.... There needs to be a meeting of minds here with gods word..... To even hear him... Is this sacrilegious? 

So god told men that when they conquer a land they must destroy it and take as slaves the women and children- really ? Or is that what the prophet chose to hear for it colluded with his own way of thinking? 

The bible then was also a tool for nation building. This is political purpose here. 

world cup 2014

finally succumbed and subscribed to the channel but no regrets - just a lack of sleep

so here're the highlights for me
1. goal filled world cup- record number of goals so far
2. very few draws
3. best game so far - switzerland vs france - 5 - 2 ! what team work, plus I watched it with malar! super!
4. germany vs portugal -4 - 0, fun, watched with saro
5. Portugal vs US - 2 - 2, great fun, watched with saro, screaming at goals and ashwiin crying coz of saro's screaming
ghana vs germany - kewl game, germany was actually chasing at one point
6. first game - brazil vs croatia, and watching neymar score
7. uruguay vs... watching suarez's two goals and his sheer excitement
8. watching US's goal against ghana, such a happy substitute scorer
9. crazy suarez biting italian player!

absent minded coz of myriad of things on my mind

today I left home for work only at 9.40 am
left my sterizling bag at home
took train in the wrong direction
so decided to take half day off in the morning to shop for gifts
then realised to my horror I had missed a meeting!
so.. why all this muddle and confusion:

Here is what is occupying my mind now concurrently:
1. My best friend is flying off to the states
2. I'm getting gifts for her and planning a photo montage for her
3. I'm hooked on the world cup
4. I'm pumping and pumping, making sure I don't blocked ducts etc
5. Just got back to work - managing that
6. Planning lots of dinners at my place for guests - today evening, friday evening prahlad's birthday
7. Planning prahlad's gift
8. Preparing kids for kalai nigalchi - costumes, music, practice
9. it's freaking crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. Akshaya's primary one registration

feeling dizzy right now, want to just go home and sleep! 

So what's happening?

World cup 2014! Brazil! 

Watching that while juggling breastfeeding , return to work and bible course on coursera! 

Rise and fall... And rise again ... And fall again ... And rise yet again ... Of empires

The ebb and flow of power, the rise and fall and rise again of empires, states, counties - this strikes a chord on me as I read chapter 1 of ..... They rise and fall and change names,  change leaders, change fortunes ... What do we make of this? Our relative ease of living now and prosperity is also then transient, subject to winds of change. 

Who rides these winds who drives these winds? 

Figures like labayu places like 

Megiddo Hazor Shechem

States and people then as now formed alliances 

Recipe- black pepper chicken

Marinade: 

I tea sp cumin and coriander powder

1/2 tsp curry powder

2 table spoons home made crushed pepper and cumin powder

1 table spoon yogurt

1tbl sp lemon juice

1 bunch shredded coriander leaves

2 garlcs crushed ( may slip this tbd next time though) 

3, shakes cayenne pepper

1 tsp salt plus more to taste 

Toss this marinade  with the chicken ( which has been washed and cleaned with salt and manjal ) 

Them add two table spoons freshly pound black pepper

Toss thoroughly and marinate for one hour. 

Heat oil. Lots. Add black pepper thinly sliced onion and thinly sliced red pepper strips them the chicken and fry! Yummy!!! 

Love is a sacred flame

Love is a sacred flame

It burns to light the way 

God gives us children so we can know his love and his love for us

Worry

I worry that I practise favoritism between my kids:( giving in to my son at expense of my daughter:((((((

Need to feel good about myself

I woke up early pumped milk for daughter 

I went for a jog

I took my kids for a colouring competition

I brought them back home coz they were tired

I put one kid to bed while I fed another

I'm going to bathe one kid now and play a bit with her read to her

Courage and preparedness

Need to prepare before going up on stage. End of rule. 

Kinda understood the crow today in the story of the crow and the fox - my own foolish vanity! 

I don't doubt myself in that I know I will be great in a fashion contest but I need to practice and prepare. It requires courage. I am humbled today by the spunk and courage of the other ladies who went up.

Happy I put myself through this if not for anything at least to appreciate the guts of others who do so.,

I felt bad like I had neglected my kids as I went up felt I was selfish. :( need to work through those feelings I guess 

Bad mother?

I frequently am assailed by the thought that I'm a terrible mom- resorting to yelling or snapping at my kids reducing them to tears in fear of me , sometimes hitting them even. All to make them eat or sleep or something.

Today at temple both cried coz they couldn't find me at diff times:(

Package no no

Getting Mani Pedi for my mum and pedi for me- totally no professionalism! They are turning away customers left right coz they turned up without proper appointments one of their co workers hasn't come in time to collect her work permit - too stressed for a relaxed treatment! Hope Aatha enjoys it though

Over ate

Overrate and feel sick now!!

Culinary experiments during maternity

WSSome things i tried out this maternity leave: 

Baked salmon

Chicken briyani

Vanilla sponge cake 

Choc chip cookies (w) nuts

Fried rice with fish balls 

Fried veg rice

Tortilla wraps with roast peppers

Zucchini rounds- m

Zucchini pasta 

Quesadilla 

Choc cake 

Blueberry tart

Vallare thuvayal- m

Sago payasam

Kose malli

Uppuma 

Fried potatoes 

Garlic asparagus

Pasta salad

Thai Chicken green curry-m

Breaded baked chicken

Black pepper chicken 

Masala chicken- own recipe for marinade! 

Roast vege- brinjal sweet potato and peppers

Coconut crumble

It was fun!!!  I like cooking and experimenting! Best part - not everyone in my family loves what I cook so i get good honest feedback- except me of course I love what I cook! 

Adding to this post today 8 may: 

I made this chicken green curry today- first time ever and it came out ok! Good in fact! But I'm the only Thai food fan at home so others didn't like relish it like I did. Feeling sad I gobbled the whole thing myself and now I feel sick! All that coconut milk can't be good for me!!! 

One week later I've made black pepper chicken with capsicum and it was great again! Plus this time Saro loved it! Yay!

And breaded chicken- ashwin loved it!! Woo hoo! 

Resolve

Making a resolve not to yell or get mad at my kids or my mum day by day and working on it consciously moment by moment! 

Feelin happy

Happy with cooking and baking! 

Some new dishes: 

Vanilla sponge cake- success - mum loves it. 

Stir fried garlic asparagus! 

Fried fish ball rice- Saro likes it! 

Tomorrow gonna make fish parties for burgers - gotta do something with my half green pepper and half zuccini before they spoil 

Tender moments

Akshaya gives me a poem about god. 

She draws a pic of her thinking about god

Watching all three stir slowly awake on a Sunday morning 

Watching the moment they fall asleep

Watching them sprawled in bed in deep sleep

The lovely morning breath of my son! 

Tickling them mercilessly in bed 

Things I worry about

How am I bringing up my kids? 

Sometimes u feel out of my depth sometimes I feel I can't control them- they are rude at times. Spoilt. How sad! How terrible that I can say these things about my own kids without doing something about it! 

Other things

Are there in enough classes? 

Are they in too much? 

We have too many things! 

I don't set a good example to the kids 

He's accepted it

I should accept it too- he has a certain restlessness about him- he can't stay home and be happy 

I need to let him go if I love him and pray he comes back 

When will enough be enough for the hubby?

Some opportunity to be part of heb has come up and he's keen to be part of it- calls it an opportunity. Opportunity for what???????!!!! To spend more time away from the family, be involved in politicking that marks heb work. Sigh. This kind of thing is not volunteerism. For that He can volunteer with some other org- narayana mission for eg. 

Should I talk him out of it? At least with our temple it's okay but heb? 

Ruminations on god

So... What I've always believed

God is all powerful all seeing all knowing 

He speaks to us we just need to listen to him and be led by him

We think of him before we do anything and pray to him he will protect us even from ourselves 

He loves us - so much that his love is everything 

Nothing moves without his power and grace

In him we trust in him we live

We are but his instruments - that is the sum of our desires 

We are all aspiring to reach him through our love and actions 

The soul is eternal 

Our children are his gifts 

We thank him everyday for everything

He knows what happens before it happens

We ask him to be there before us in everything 

Given all this - it shouldn't and doesn't matter the names we give god

It is pointless to fight over the supremacy of Vishnu Krishna Siva pillayar murugan / they are but facets if the eternal being who watches over us. I love them all. I feel profound affection for god in the form of pillayar for I grew up with him. It is comical to fret over loyalties to pillayar as I read about Krishna because they are all one! 

Missing plane

Last sat a Malaysian airlines plane vanished from the skies 

It took off at 1.30 am and disappeared off the radar at 2.20 am

No signs yet where it may be / no wreckage in sea or on land 

Theories abound - suggestions that it changed route 

Nothing like this has happened before

Now pm giving a press conference- waist hijacking? Is it possible passengers are alive? 

Let's see 

Updated a month later- still no sign of the plane but possible area where it went down has been identified- remote part of Indian ocean. Still waiting to find out how and why it went there- totally opposite direction from china! 

Thoughts on the Mahabharata

JFirstly - this is an epic- a great epic but not revered - because, like Shakespeare - it presents human characters with human flaws aplenty 

Secondly I must remember- one form of human injustice has continued on till now and women's rights were only recognized in the 20th century! That's 2000 years after Christ! And these epics were written 1000 years before Christ! 

So i can forgive the pathetic attitude towards women 

Having said that here are some things that irk me about it: 

1. Women are prizes to be won. 

2. They have very little say in their lives - who they marry for eg. 

3. Considered holy to die together with husband 

4. Arjuna goes on travels for a year on self exile- sounds more like a holiday to me! He marries girl after girl along the way! When they get pregnant he moves on! 

Other things;

Is it ok to want to be king? To fight to be king? 

One thing I think I can see through : this book is by someone from the Krishna consciousness movement- there is some element of hardsell here and there I feel. ESP where the good characters aren't so good and bad characters aren't so bad- these bits are glossed over or over presented to convey the writers point of view and agenda. Like the famous line about draupadi cursing the kaurivas graphically is not here. Yudhistra's gambling is not presented as a weakness but as a way of honoring the king who invited him to play. Karna is said to prefer fame to life. All fishy! Makese want to read more though! See diff presentations 

Sleeping alone

I am so used to sleeping with someone in my room - feel a strange emptiness as I go to sleep now alone. Well not quite alone - even now baby aish sleeps with me. But you know- not the same! I used to sleep alone with ashwin Saro with akshaya - made me miserable. This time didn't feel so bad coz akshaya sleeps with me and aish - only ash with Saro., 

Still. Ashwin and I feel a tug every bedtime. We both miss cuddling with each other to sleep! 

Training the new maid

Find it an interesting process !

More involved than I usually am  

Thank you god

Pillayar- thank you so much for sending us a good helper and for helping us appreciate her too. 

Appreciated her after the not Soo good experience with the first one. Appreciated her in her 3 week absence. 

Help us always keep things in perspective god. People first things later

Help me be patient kind and understanding- not trample on people's feelings 

Maids in and out

They are going to miss their run aunty

But hope they take the new aunty- aye nan 

Hope she takes to them too

Hope they still look to us parents for support and love, we should the first they turn to not the maid 

Creeds to live by

T

Don't get get caught up in the busyness of life that you forget to enjoy life's simplest and most important of gifts

It's ok to make mistakes - own up face the music and move on

Thank you god!

I have three beautiful children, doting parents , a loving giving responsible husband, a job that i enjoy with work I believe in enough money to meet our needs - thank you god! 

I should give back to society a little! At least a little! I donate some to charity- nkf and acres 

Must do more 

Mind full

I have to stop taking things too seriously - like work! 

What can I learn from this episode? 

1. Check wordings on contracts 

2. When someone is in charge of something - let them make some decisions and then follow up with the right action too. Here Irene's idea was sound bit she didn't follow through. 

3. When someone else is in charge leg go of the reins early for them to take charge - then my head need not roll. 

Sigh. 

So now my problem is finding the cash to pay brijesh for any work he's done. Coz I asked him to do the work. 

God thanks for helping me!! Please help me. 

New maid needed

Yes we need a new maid. 

And a new set of rules for her. 

And a new way of arranging things before she comes! 

- stationery items need a place. 

- new sets of rags 

All colours and types okay for the floor but for dishes and tabletop we need a diff set . 

Don't take things personally!!!!

I must learn to distance myself from things see things in perspective and not take things personally. 

She wants whole day off. Early morning till night because she perceives a pay cut for off days. Sigh. 

Actually no big deal we can pay her 520 and give her the requested off days. We didn't coz she was leaving. So I didn't want to give extra perks but I suppose it does not matter. It irks me that she's bring calculative though. Sigh. Nvm. Nothing more than a professional relationship here. It's okay. 

Maid less in 2 years?

So can. Do it you think? 

Go maid less in 2 years ? 

 Getting prepared to want to stay home once  akshaya hits primary school - maybe when baby is two plus I could start managing on my own? 

What do I feel as a mother of three?

God has a way of making dreams come true- even those you sometimes don't dare articulate- :) 

So Aishwarya is my dream come true. As are akshaya and ashwin :) my three beautiful dreams come true. They are mine in a loose sense I do get it. Not mine to mould and shape in the way I imagine them to turn out but mine to guide with god's grace to become what they are meant to be - to bloom in the way god intends them to . 

As I look at my baby Aishwarya - what do I feel? A sense of disbelief sometimes- she has come from us! In her case especially feels like she's come with her own will! Her own speed and drive! 

She's sweet- lets me rest have personal time time with the other two-,I must admit its not as scary as I thought it would be! 

So far anyway , having three seems easier and better than having two! Touch wood ! Akshaya is more mature - falls asleep on her own after 5 years of us trying to get to this stage!!! She really helps me with the new baby. Ashwin seems ok so far - he keeps asking me - is thangachi papa licking Aatha?  Haha! How gross but that's what breastfeeding looks like to him! Akshaya used to pretend breastfeeding her dolls when she saw me doing it with ashwin as a baby! Kids are so cute! 

Then - this little one seems different from the other two in temperament and looks too- so much smaller rounder redder her face is! I call her my little red tomato! 

Will she love me? Will I love her? I do love her now of course but you know? We hardly know each other! Haha! I love akshaya and ashwin in a way i can't even begin to describe. They fill my heart to bursting . Aishwarya... She's new! Haha! Ok time to stop panicking. It was the same when ashwin was born too. I felt l never spent time with him that akshaya took all my time and attention. So I guess for me at least it's normal to lavish more time and attention on the older kids than the new baby! I recall thinking with ashwin then that I basically fed and changed him and then spent time playing with akshaya- painting , reading, etc. now with Aishwarya I'm doing the same- feed her bathe her - then spend time with the older kids- ashwin it's feeding him, reading to him and snuggling with him after his nap - with akshaya it's reading to her, helping her write her stories! And some art with both.

Feel better having come to this realization thru writing! 

More tomorrow then 

Only person hurting is myself

Rule no 5. Don't take yourself so seriously! I must apply that to myself. Have a splitting headache now from all those tears and lack of sleep! 

One thing for me to strive for

No expectations of time spent together with him

No expectations of dates - of joy on his part in being able to be with family

Most importantly - I cannot let my mood be affected by others. I can control how I feel how I react to things. 

So that's the ghatam ghatam resolution! Not to the relationship but to expectations of time together etc. can be done. 

Be like the kids. No expectations. Good when he's there fine when he's not. Life goes on no grudges. 

Peace

Nice:) 

The letter I wish I could leave

Hi 

I've taken the kids for a year long holiday in Europe. Hope that gives you some much time needed time to attend temple meetings go out with your friends organize and attends sports meets patrol the blocks go for rc meetings and take care of your work. Let us know in a years time if that was enough time or you'd like a bit more time

Love 

Family 

Hmm

I concede it's possible I'm overreacting. 

Anyway in some ways im at a ghatam ghatam stage. 

He gifted me a day of his precious time for which I am to be eternally grateful 

I shall hold it dear and expect nothing more. 

I shall leave him one day and he'll be free to throw himself full force into his extra curricular activities. 

Only pity the kids will miss him. He won't miss them. They are useful distractors in his busy life. Possibly they may not miss him either. 

Just thoughts

So as a third time mother I feel some pressure! People seem to think I should be really cool this pregnancy and an old hand at things! That makes me nervous - I'm ok. Deep breaths. Pillayar is with me. Aunty Meena is with me. Just go with the flow. Just flow. I am an element flowing with the other elements. 

There is no I

To be free I must let go of 'I' . 

Ego belongs to the I. Ego and I let the self get angry hurt feel betrayed - the I and ego get together in 'righteousness' and ' indignation' to protest against perceived harms to the I. Without the I, I we can be free to ebb and flow with time. 

Ruminations on Hinduism

I am reading the Shiva Trilogy Books now - I am thoroughly fascinated by the book and by the research the reading of the books is leading me to.

This post here is about how I love the Hindu religion and how exciting the stories within it are

1. Shiva is such a personality - he and Vishnu are like two sides of a coin
when speaking of Vishnu, I am of course thinking of Lord Rama of the Ramayanam - calm, collected,
also Krishna, playful charming

And then there is Shiva - rebel, unkempt hair, dancing wildly, tribal, fiery, the destroyer, the revered

He and Vishnu go to one another for advice and help and seem to mutually respect the power of each, they tease one another - like the Mohini episode - such camaraderie between the Gods! and of course, we all know there is only one God, only one oneness - so all these forms playing with one another, just another way of seeing things


And the, Shiva Rathiri - no wonder so many erotic songs refer to Shiva Rathiri - it is Lord Shiva's wedding night with Sati

such all consuming love they have

I love it that our Gods make love and that they are 'encouraged', others beseech the Gods to love - for if the Gods don't love there can be no love on earth! such a simple concept, so beautiful and yet so arresting - so potentially offensive for those of the more prudish disposition! hahaha.


And the battles between the sexes in the heavens even as they love one another, - take the creation of Ganesha! Lord Shiva and Goddess Parvathi engage in a battle where Vishnu and Bramha have to all come and pray to both to reconcile their differences because the world cannot take it when they fight

The female shakthi and male shakthi - female energy and male energy - such beautiful concepts
I love my religion, I dont' understand all of it, I never will, and I may not take to every aspect of it, but I love it - I love the mystery, the depth, the liberation of the relition.

The Shiva Thandavam - what a dance it must be - channeling the energy of the earth through dance - that is the power of music and dance

And the idea, the concept of the Jeevatma yearning to reach out to the Paramatma - that is a beautiful concept.

More ruminations to come, for sure.
Thank you God for the brilliant writers of the world!

Lakshmi - Epitome of Love

I just found out, late last night, that the name Lakshmi means the Epitome of Love
I can't think of a more appropriate name for my lovely mother
She is truly the epitome of Love
Always always thinking of others first, always her children first, always striving to do the best for everyone, keeps all her sadness to herself - I am so blessed to have her as my mother.
her other name, Padma, is just another name for Lakshmi.
She is Lakshmi through and through.
and I understand how she can be the person she is. I think the name does add to the personality of the person holding that name. if the person is open to receiving the goodness associated with the name that is.

And, the name we are thinking of for our new baby, Aishwarya, is also another name for Lakshmi.
Isn't that beautiful?
It gives me a way of naming my daughter after my mother subtly.

And the name Lakshmi, and her other names - wow! they connote, bring to the family, wealth, prosperity both materially and spiritually, connote grace and beauty - inner beauty that shines through - lovely things to wish for our daughter yes?

Check out this link - it's pretty amazing:

http://www.dollsofindia.com/library/devis/

"Lakshmi is the embodiment of Love"
Goddess Sri Mahalakshmi has many names, such as Padma, Padmavati, Padmamukhi, Padmapriya, Padmakshi, Padmamaladhara devi, Padmasundari, Kamala, Ulkavahini and Vishnupriya. Her other names are Indira, Rama, Chakrika, Manushri, Kamalika, Chanchala, Jalaja, Bhumi Devi, Nandika, Vaishnavi, Lalima, Rujula, Bhargavi, Sridevi, Narayani and Aishwarya.She is commonly referred to as the Jaganmata (the Mother of the Universe) in Shri Mahalakshmi Ashtakam.

Sri Mahalakshmi or Lakshmi, as the Goddess is also referred to, is the Hindu Goddess of Wealth, auspiciousness, purity, prosperity and generosity. She also embodies charm, beauty and grace. 

________
Akshaya's other name is Kalyani - after my mother in law, and that is another name for Goddess Parvathi, as is my name, Meenakshi.

Ashwin Ram - Ram is of course Lord Ram.

Ashwin refers to the first star in the evening sky - I think of it as meaning a sign of hope:-)
Akshaya's name means one who cannot be defeated, and one who is always full of bounty- full of love, energy, hope, beauty, generosity

I am blessed indeed!

Everything but the Brain

Can you hate a play because it’s so good? So bitingly close to reality that you can’t stand it, for it presents to you awful awful realities you don’t want to contemplate? That’s how I feel towards Everything but the Brain. It makes me cry, makes me angry. Stupid book. I hate it. 

Happy to be back at work

I'm back at work - and I am happy!
isn't that nice!
I like the people, the buzz around the work - the excitement!
Thank you God!!!