journey of a rain drop

fell from sky 

aah help me help me 

fell on red roof

then rolled down

fell on leaf

then rolled onto snails back

then swayed all the way near River.scared of mixing and mingling 

but fell

inside world of wonder 

so many drops

all sharing their story

one on the back of a dog that wagged its tail and she flew off

another from down a tree

a truck 

now they avoid a deer drinking 

kept going 

till reached rhe sea

wonderful expansive calm 

then woah

lifted up to the air 

sucked in

all calm 

then rumbled 

rumble

darkens 

then a gigging feeling of anticipation 

and 

arh

fell hard and fast onto a tin roof 

made a hole and fell on a girls head

mingled with her tear

flicked and fell into a bucket 

ups and downs

This has been a year of ups and downs. 

Jan started well enough.  Akshaya had come of age. In laws here. Happy. Kavin was born. 

Then akshaya had to be hospitalised. twice. urgh. that was so bad. so bad. a time great rupture between me and saro too. 

photo shoot all I wasn't even happy and told kavitha haha don't think she registered. 

then India trip came and all was good. bintan after that. lovely time.

then generally was OK. hit a high near my birthday.  he was so proud of me for my award I was touched. 

After my birthday it's been downhill more or less. we are distant and I erupt into anger every now and then. 

not sure why. whether he is away more or I'm just feeling it more sometimes than others. 

the day

the day feels cool fresh and new

like a gift from God

clean 

filled with possibilities 

and I can only think

how am I going to screw this up

Wind Art

Wind is painting today,

the condo pool her canvas. 

Normally so still,

the water is dancing today

as Wind has her way.

She sends ripples northeast first, 

before she takes a new fancy,

sends the water rippling northwest too,

creating shimmering domes in the confluence.

Now Rain drizzles her share- 

the canvas bubbles in concentric circles overlapping.

Not yet content, Wind lifts the leaves and flowers off nearby trees,

fings them in too

so now the shades of blue have yellow and orange highlights. 

Tben she takes a deep breath and sends a whoosh from the east

The water rises and folds in waves

that kiss the shore.

I'm walking round and round, 

as the wind paints on me too,

shifting my hair one way, my shirt the next 

Raindrops stud me with diamonds

as I drink in Wind's art

on my condo pool.

corners

I gravitate towards corners

In restaurants, lifts

craving the support of solid walls at least on 2 sides

to be buffeted less

perhaps by the winds of change, life

instinctively seeking the stability I can

ponniyin selvan

one of the best movies ever

everything comes together so nicely 

actors lines dialogue setting costumes 

action conversations 

almost no romance and still a good film. 

women with important roles.who has heard of this!

After the rain

it's always lovely to walk by the river after the rain

swelled by water brown with run off

with hungry monitor lizards on the look out 

After the rain its a time of change 

for creatures to peer out and assess 

the mood 

when trees are full of birds like so many leaves standing upright 

when water droplets bead the leaves like diamond

when trees look they have stepped out of the shower

there leaves wet and fresh 

when I gently kick a fallen fruit past the mulchy leaves and into the water with a plop and splash so loud, and wonder 

how have I changed the course of nature today

if I hadn't kicked it in, what would have become of it, and its off springs

and now that I have, how will the trajectory if its life and off spring change?

I play god for a minute or more likely god is playing me still for 

the permanent part timer

have you met him 

the permanent part timer

part time dad

part time hubby

part time friend

part time boss 

part time colleague 

part time son

part time brother

part time volunteer at 

temple 1 temple 2 temple 3

 

there aren't enough parts of him 

to go around 

so he becomes 

the permanent 

bit timer

a big time bit timer 

distributing bits of his time 

here and there 

like manna from heaven 

only 

the world does learn

to manage

without the bits. 

I am she

I am she, possibly - 

Sri Raghavendra's wife 

Prince Sidhartha's wife 

Sir Lucasta's wife.

Ladies unknown,

except that their men left them

in search of more noble pursuits

than being a husband and a father,

to preach peace and fight wars.

Love between man and woman is for mere mortals, 

not for Raghavendra, Bhudda, Lucasta, Saravana.

how

I go to bed sad

wake up sad

not sure what to do

when he is around 

I don't dare feel too happy

I know this is just a reaction 

to our recent argument 

so a light switches on

"I need to be present at home"

all too easily he will forget.

so I can't be happy

it's like being with a drunkard who says I won't drink anymore

here the addiction is outside work

I know I'm being mean saying all this

I sound and feel petty

I want to be generous and light

like the kids

who truly love without expectation 

I'm scared too

the other time I was so unhappy

I lashed out at ashwin over nothing 

and wounded him

and that was 3 weeks after the matter

I don't care now if he speeds time at home. that boat has sailed. I now just see it as ah he is here. 

and I don't feel so glad when my kids hug me even

I love it when they do

but

all this discussion on the soul

I'm at early stages I suppose

I don't know.

when they hug me instead of feeling so happy in the moment find myself saying 

this too is temporary

the body is temporary 

these relationships are temporary 

they love me now

they won't tomorrow

or won't need me like this anyway 

and I cannot be hurt

so better not get too happy now 

I guess I'm catching myself 

in the process of building a wall around me

because he is hurting me

I'm building the wall around my kids too 

the equation in my mind is 

if he can hurt me 

they can too

I am my own best friend 

that sounds like a scared person. 

I can't blame the scriptures haha

it's typical defensive behaviour of people who are hurt

but 

I cannot let others affect me

I know that

then i give them power 

.and I want to retain the power

how do I do that 

be fully present as a mother

at the very least

and fully present as daughter and colleague

some easy to define roles and rules. take those. Wear those robes and walk confidently 

I envy those who appear to be a tight family unit

but I shouldn't. 

every family every person is battling their own demons

let me trace things with saro though. I feel the unhappiness goes quite a long way back.

2011

.1st time I was deeply unhappy was when I was expecting ashwin. haha I may well have contributed to his creative dramatic soul who feels so much. I went for counselling.  i cried for 2 hours once and he never knew or cared. his parents were around and I was sure I was last on his priorities. 

I sense a pattern. I want to be high on his priorities and when I feel I am not I get sad

2014. 2nd was when expecting aishu. he had lost himself to temple then. didn't even want a third baby. I was so unhappy. think we only became ok the day before she was born. but I discovered coursera then. changed my life. 

2016. 3rd time was his 40th. Birthday time. I threw an amazing party for the rest not for him. and had Harry Potter party all by myself. came back from nz realising how lousy I felt about myself around him

2022. and now. from start of year till now.

other random times 

calling him telling him he must tell others he has to be home by 9, that he would if he had a meeting. run was with me. Woodlands hone

another time crying to sham. when he ad 9 days of navarathiri and didn't tell me. 

then all I had trouble adjusting that he wouldn't be home for dinner. 

he never changed. so I did. stopped caring I guess. and he got happy. 

so now what. 

Ive felt like leaving him at least twice. Once with aishu in my stomach. 

another in the early part of this year. I started saying I just need to be with him till aishu is 18. another 10 years. then can go off. 

now I'm preparing to mentally separate. 

earlier too I said better he is around sometimes than never so just hang around. 

ive talked and talked. 

I'm sick of it. 

subair told me to talk to him. I was chatting with malar and realised I must talk to him. 

I give up now. also between subair and malar it's just the same  year. 

I guess I should be fair and give it till Feb. just another 4 months. 

yesterday when I was sad I went to him and fought him and made him sad.today I don't feel like it. 

I. just resolving how to handle things. 

this is not too bad. 

only don't feel safe going on a holiday by myself to see my friends anymore. not safe for the kids. though I guess he will step in if he has to. 

also running thought for past few weeks

love is so overrated 

like animals we should just come together to have our young and then leave mum with kids. 

feels

I feel churlish now

not caring not supporting him 

but really how can  i support if he doesn't tell me where he is going and what he is doing

he had shown me time and again where I stand 

I am not a priority with him

I don't see why I should make him my priority 

shall just tolerate him

my own defense is to view him as a house guest. it helps no end

wanted to ask him to go stay someplace else for next few months. but that not nice I suppose

so stay here and pay the bills

not much else expected or requested 

emotional separation

I'm separating from you 

emotionally 

no jealousy on my part 

just self preservation 

he is a part time husband part time father full time run rounder 

the permanent part timer 

have you met him 

the permanent part timer

part time dad

part time hubby

part time friend

part time boss 

part time colleague 

part time son

part time volunteer at temple 1

part time volunteer at temple 2 

part time volunteer at temple 3

part time brother 

there aren't enough parts of him to go around 

so he becomes 

the permanent 

bit timer

a big time bit timer 

distributing bits of his time 

here and there 

like manna from heaven 

only 

the world does learn to manage

without the bits

while he figures out 

how much of him is left

After all is done 

my life

I resolve from today to not need a certain someone

I will not crave him. 

I shall see myself as distanced from him as of today 

I am emotionally separated from.him. 

he is a busy house guest. 

I shall be conscientious. 

I would prefer if he could leave

whom would I have to cut off? 

devi sath sendhil kavitha. 

emotional separation. it's a thing.  a new thing. my thing. is it a thing

who am i

the good thing about my lonlineness now is that I'm reaching towards the Bhagavad-Gita 

I feel my souls purpose was to bring to earth three godly children, bring them up, and be a source of support for my parents. who are very independent and whom I need more than they need me but who are such beautiful souls with no expectations that they are happy with whatever little I give them

I suspect my dad knows I'm unhappy. but he will also just want us to work it out. 

I don't feel like complaining. I have nothing to complain about. darling kids. gems of parents. Good helper. Good job.  Good friends. Good home. stable.

 psychologically safe. Good man for a husband though not particularly present

that's the only thing. 

I shouldn't be wanting everything. 

I wish I wouldn't sound bitter about him not being around

sometimes I feel like a single parent and he is a bonus gift when he is around 

but it's supposedly just for a year. out of which there are now only 4 months left.

he has his karma. his guna.  we are a small part . 

I have mine. for which my family is a large part I want to own 

my son needs such love. he is a beautiful beautiful bright soul and the one thing I could do is support him so he can become whom he wants

and I can get a dog. a rescue dog. I won't be discussing with much. I shall just decide and take him or her own myself next year. like parvathy created a son for herself I'll get a dog for myself. sons or daughters aren't mine. just souls put together for a season for us to help the other

same with the dog I realise. 

comma

commas,

get, in, the, way

of, me, 

sayingsomethingtoyouright,

now,

loneliness

lonliness

worthlessness 

how does one combat such feelings

by digging deeper into the self

 the reservoir that can sustain us in times of despair 

be grateful for the abundance in life 

children happy 

stable life

meaningful job

friends who mean the world 

a world of books to read re read

music at my fingertips 

parents like gold

what more could the heart want

what has lobe got to do with it

I can be in love with the lady in the mirror

I see my role first and foremost ad mum to my children and daughter to my parents

the rest

dispensable. nobody is irreplaceable.