Floating

Im floating inside
Just a little bit
Because of a tender moment
A look a word a kiss a hug
And im flying though it cant go anywhere
Its just a mark
Of love and friendship a bond forged over so very many years
Nothing else can come close
These friendships need time and love to be nurtured
And i pray
My kids find such good friends in their lifetimes too

To know i mean something to someone
Too precious

I want to hold on to that moment
Savour it
Live it

An update
Apparently after that long talk wgich felt short.. he bought his ticket back!
Its so precious... unspoken and lovely

Fond farewells

My sweet kannan
Said bye to me with tears in his eyes and said hed miss me
Hes so sweet. .glad to know i mean something to him

They say i say

Now they whisper
----
She had a child ...
Had?
She's never been the same

Her light went out
That day
It flickers back on
A shadow of a shadow
Gone before it shows

He broke her wings
when he took flight
Its been years now i hear

What.. empty nest syndrome?

Empty nest?
One could say that.
The bird flew before its wings were ready
Maybe its singing free now?
She doesn't sing anymore.
-------

5 years ago

---
Guilt. Grief
Twin sisters, you
Brew poison...
Ladle it by the spoonful
into my skin
my every cell.

You flap black wings at me
Every which way i turn
Cackle and claw at me
Beating me into me

I curl in in in
I am a question mark
You twist me still
To a point a dot
a speck
I am nothing.

Jump 2

My friend's son
jumped from the 21st floor
He had been grounded for a week
He jumped the weekend before the start of the exams .
He died 3 hours after jumping.
My friend
Rushed to see him downstairs
Gathered him in her arms
did not let him go
To be treated
She let him die
Rather than suffer a vegetable
She carries him still.

This child
Whom she followed home in her car as he took the bus the first time from school
Whose future wife she already knew she'd be resentful of for taking him from her one day
Is gone

He jumped
Breaking her wings
Even as he took flight

Tear me my heart
And give it to me in pieces

She says
I cannot manage my work or my emotions
I am lost
I have not been a good mother
I pushed him too hard
I am aimless
I dont have an appetite
I am ok i slept through the night
I am ok just very sad
Don't push your kids
Its not worth it
Let them do whatever they want

Guilt grief

Guilt. Grief.
Sisters
Brewing poison
Ladling it into my skin
my every cell

Grief. Guilt.
Twin vultures
Tearing into me
Twisting talons

You cackle and claw at me
Flapping dark wings
Every which way i turn
Beating me into me
I curl in in in
I am a question mark
you smother me further,
Into a speck a dot
Until I am nothing
Nothing

I need space and time

Im feeling just a little overwhelmed. Its like...
I am anxiously checking my phone all the time for messages from her
I see it as my duty to look out for her and i have become the conduit for info between her and office.

My emotions are also still in a kind of stormy turmoil. Whats happened is so shaking. So am dealing with my emotions on one side

Then work is not getting done. Because im only half working at work. Half is dealing with my emotions and matters concerning her.

At home i have the pressure of preparing akshaya for exams
I also have the duties of looking after the kids. I cant just work at home. Not even in the middle of the night.

I like praying . But now everytime i pray o find myself thinking of what happened and asking questions

I wish i could turn to saro and cry and hug him

Whoever i speak to about this will be heavily burdened.
Dont want to talk to sutha. Might remind her of what she nearly did. The anguish she caused her loved ones.
Dont want to talk to malar would like her to focus on happy things
Dont want to talk to sham She's preoccupied with emigrating
Maybe Siva?
Im sad tired and feeling like im not getting my work done

Guilt

Can guilt literally roll your shoulders
Force you to hunch

An article

Literature is the record of the many stories we have told about ourselves and our world, and of the many ways we have found to use language artfully and beautifully, but also cruelly and obtusely. It both reflects us and shapes us. We don’t need any excuses for taking it seriously.

Jump

My friend's son
Just jumped from the 21st floor
He had been grounded for a week apparently.
He jumped the weekend before the start of the exams .
He died 3 hours after jumping.
My friend
Could not bear to see him downstairs
Bloodied, spread-eagled
She could not go to the hospital
She was not with him when he passed on

Grief
Guilt
Farewells in texts
Friends too late

Too late
16
What could he have been
This child she never worried too much about
This child
She followed home in her car as he took the bus the first time from school
Tough love too tough?

Shoulders too narrow to near the weight of blame
If a child jumps the child is at fault
The parents are at fault for not teaching him to ne resiliant
The system is at fault
For our sky high expectations
Razor thin margins

Thoughts on the weekend

Yesterday i finally taught akshaya how to wash her hair and dry it and wrap herself around and put cream.

I finally caught up on how much ive been spending on data! Picking up some good habits like downloading songs

Spent time tutoring akshaya. Learnt the value of the last minute brush up- tuition kid did well with that brush up for one section and not well for the other.

Heavy heavy heavy

A friend's son may have jumped to his death.
I dont know what to say.
Was it coz of exams
Was it coz of a relationship
Whatever it is... its no reason to jump. 16 . The whole world ahead of us. Nothing is as bad as it seems.
How to build that confidence in kids?
Celebrate life.
Gun for excellence but accept less too and see how to move forward.

We must appreciate and appreciate. Unconditional love.
And show them how to turn to God. Hes a rock of a Friend . Ever constant.

Secret burdens

This weekend has been about confronting all kinds id sleeping ghosts
1. Sexual harassment and its after effects. Stuff i didnt know was bothering me

2. And this. I feel i can let go of something after having carried it for 14 years! Now that's something.

Here it is in the raw.
Ive been holding a grudge against my brother for not having attended my wedding.

Herea the thing. Not attending it has probably saved our relationship- our family of four's relationship. See. He failed his exams in the end. But he cant blame it on the wedding. He had to face his own issues. If he had come for the wedding and failed he would have blamed my parents and me. And my parents would have believed it too.

Its all for the best. I cant say it so well here but i woke up excited. There was clarity and brightness. Ive trusted god blindly all my life. How could i imagine this incident was not for my best too?????

Thank you god!

Ok

I need to let go of my fears my anger my prejudices. He's a child. 6 years old. Im his parent. I have the golden opportunity to educate him love him and bring him up well.
I pray to god first. He's God's gift. Thank you for Ashwin Ram. Thank you for my baby. Thank you.
He's an artistic genius. Creative. Imaginative. Loving.
I must not turn him into a fearful quivering  wretch.
He askes a question yesterday with no prodding nothing at the theatre. I'm proud of him .
This may just be a childish curiosity with of forbidden things. I should not make it out to be a perverse thing. Please god ne with me.
He's doing just the thing. I'm adding all kinds to it based on my fears and my past experiences.  I guess I'm more affected ny what happened to me than i thought.

I have other latent fears i had not realisesd. 

Shh

I hate milk.
Its good for me
They say.

Every day
They give me a glass.
Drink it up, they say.

I sulk I pout
It does no good.
They only raise their voices.

Then they try a new tactic,
From a book
(where else?)

They give me a star
For every glass
I down

If I down it
In 5 minutes
I get two!

Now this could work,
I think.
I rub my hands in glee.

I grab the milk
I rush to the sink
Down it goes, I earn two stars

In record speed!

Fathers glasses draft

My Father’s Glasses

----------------------------

I need my father

Like I need my glasses-

The world looks better with them.

His glasses, clear crystal,

Yet tint everything

With a glow.

His eyes seek out

The clear quartz within us,

Its light beams.

The less than fine - (cloudy

He overlooks

Away from his gaze, they fade.

I see my daughter

From behind his lenses, and

I see myself as he must have seen me.

Tiny, helpless, bawling in his arms -

His arms the sturdier for having to

Hold me.

His eyes,

Scanning horizons

Watching my back.

Age adjusts his lenses.

Still

He looks at life the same.

It’s his glasses -

I’m sure - I want to look

Like him.

Trees reach out

The trees.
Interlocking arms
Signal victory reaching out to the skies

Marital rape for 15 to 18 year olds

Im trying to understand this
So in india its okay to marry a 15 year old but not ok to have sex with her.

And she must make a complaint that she's been raped for any action to be taken

Which 15 year old who has agreed/been coerced/ been highly encouraged to get married will likely be able to complain?

Her own family who gladly married her off won't support her. The family whose son is raping her wont support her.

She's a child still for God's sake. She's probably been schooled since young not to rebel not to bring shame to her family.

How is this law a step forward?

The kind of guy i like

Do you like this kind of guy, he asks pointing to a well built muscular guy

No
Have you seen my husband i ask
Thats the kind of guy i like
Tall slim
Great head of hair for me to dig my hands through
Luminous eyes i can drown in 
Strong arms around my shoulders
Hands that hold me
A ready laugh with me
Unwavering belief in me
Thats the kind of guy i love - the guy i love.

Short story idea

What do you say to the relatives of a man who has passed on and you are not sure if he was loved or he would be missed

How do we live so at least some will mourn our passing

The irrelevant President

The comedian in chief is how i call him.

The perfect gift

Precisely because
I am looking for the perfect gift
I will not find it

To convey my sorrow
At your leaving
My joy and hope for you
My fears for myself

What gift will do
No words or things
Will suffice to say
I will miss you

 

Carlos william

Asphodel that greeney flower

Its so moving it has its own lyrical musicality to it one just flows from line to line to line

Its is difficult to get the news from poetry but men die everyday for lack of it

Do fish cry

Do fish cry
When their brothers die
Do they feel sad
Do they miss them

Questions from my baby.
Well hers were statements. For me they become questions.

Late night conversations

At bedtime
Talking to the kids amd woah both bring up heavy issues that need dealing with. Time is 9.45pm.
On the one side... my son speaks of some bullying based on skin colour affecting him . Doesn't volunteer it. I need to gently probe.
The other side my baby is sad our fish has died

To be human

To be human is to have responsibilities.
To be aware of the privileges we have
To be aware of others
To be kind

To stop crime and others from bullying others
To care for those around us
To feel for them
Appreciate them
Remember they are human too
They feel bored lonely alone sad

Going home

As i hunker down in the rain
Heading to the bus stop

Trees fluttering with the call of birds at dusk
The shrill trill of green parrots
The cacophony of the mynahs
Tell me

It is time to roost

 

Guns

Gun violence
When anyone can own a gun isn't it obvious people will get shot at????
The American dream  is slowly turning into the American nightmare .

My advice would be to beat it out of the country while you can.
The dark and oppressive and counter intuitive age is approaching in America. Time to scoot
 

Home not home

What do you do
When home is not home
When all your friends
Pack up and leave
And only you remain
Home

What do you do
When home is not home
For your friends
When they pack up and leave
One by one
And only you remain
Home

The push the pull
Where do you start
And whom do you meet
When your day is done

How do you stand
When they have all flown

Friends

Yesterday i met up with my jc classmates and theirs kids.

Between the 6 of us who met we had 11 kids with us and thats coz another three kids didnt come!

It was so relaxing ..at gardens by the bay.
Khalidah came with Ilyan Ilyas and Idris. She had left Izzyah with relatives

Huichoo came with Isaac. She had left Asher and baby (Jesse) at home

Suling came with Mutahara Ismail and Hasanah

Daph came with ollie

And i came with Akshaya Ashwin and Aishwarya

Beautiful no! And i just realised between us we have 5 i names and 4 a names. Thats 9 easy to remember names already
Ollie is easy and suling's kids are etched. So that only leaves huichoo's youngest kid! 
Gonna check out his name of fb now

Its Jesse. Great name.

Miss my friends

Im starting to whine
But I miss my friends

Next year I will miss rani the most among my colleagues
Though I do see the possibility of thinking together with pei Yong and debbie. Downside both are also el officers .