Keeping things

I blurted to saro yesterday that I didn't like keeping things from him
He got jumpy
Think he had a bit of a shock no sure what he feared I was keeping
In the end of course it was one tiny thing and one philosophical thing.
Nothing for him to worry about
But for awhile i wondered what he feared! 
Maybe what every married person fears?
😀😀
Needn't worry now I'm just busy missing him
Hope he's touched by it and not annoyed

Lots on my mind

I'm swimming
Tiny fish in a big ocean
Asking big questions that are maybe only small questions
Tiny in this universe

Passion compassion dispassion

Interesting ideas by sadhguru

1.passion towards creator
2. Compassion for all living things
3.dispassion towards the self

Number 3 is like rule number 5: don't take yourself so seriously!

Number 2 means I should continue striving towards vegetarianism and in my kids too where I can

Number 1 is all true of course.

God is great

Today I was just so down.
The usual down I get when I endure a month of saros frequent absences around this time of the year
I love thaipusam. But I also miss him Terribly in this period. He's gotten so busy with organising it these past three years.

But god is so kind
First he helped me think of painting as a way of getting around my funk. Then too painting for a purpose as a present for my dad.
Then he got my mum and dad to turn at my place to celebrate his birthday.
It was perfect!
Of course saro was missing but it felt so special. I had been bawling!then god gives me this. Special time with my kids. Special time with my parents 
Aishu was so happy she was chatting at the top of her voice the whole time.
It was great. 
God is so very kind to me. .I am blessed.

Work life balance

Catch myself feeling guilty that I'm not taking my laptop home so I can have the option  to work on the bus on my way home!!

Not a good sign.

Want to bake a cake today and give some to charmaine.  Hope it turns out well.

Under the persimmon tree

Very sad story
I sat at the station and cried coz I was listening to murugan bhajanai songs while reading this extremely sad book about the reality of millions of people. It just shook me . Kids orphaned gun fire parents forced to fight
We have so much to be grateful for.

Having said that
These books are more accounts of what happens than rich literature with complex characters.
The heroine and the children are so perfect.  The bad guys are faceless bad guys. Possibly true.  But not for lit study I think

The old man and the sea

My dad's lit book.
Oft quotes a line from there
Water water everywhere not a drop to drink
Except that...
When I read it I never came across the line. Literally read the book for that line
It wasn't there
Now raise it's from rime of the ancient mariner by coleridge!
But no matter I shall read that next
I am on a sea faring voyage in books right now. That will be third such text.
And I love it.

This book. ..
So it talks about man's struggle with and against nature the elements. The thrill and challenge of pitching oneself against the elements. This is an ancient preoccupation of wanting to prove ones worth against the elements. It's prevalent today too. It's why that Singaporean man challenged himself to scale a mountain and got blown off it in Wales on new years day!
It's the theme in real life accounts like in the heart of the sea too.
Man against nature fighting to survive. Talking to oneself.  Brink of madness. The unthinkable becomes the daily realities. 

What lessons from old man and the sea.
He says he just went too far.
True. He didn't want to give up . His esteem couldn't take it that he was defeated by the fish.  Great respect for the fish . In the end both got beaten by the scavengers. The sharks.  Only then did he accept he'd been beaten.

Why does the boy cry?
The physical and mental sufferings of the old man. Empathy and love. For his dream not realised.

Just watched a video that says the fish bone at the end and the fish itself is a symbol of his victory . Maybe.
I saw it as a symbol of the futility of his struggle against the elements. Wouldn't it have been kinder if he had let the fish go? He would have other smaller fish and actually brought home his catch and still been respected. 

I didn't see the sharks as symbolising the other fishermen.  I saw them as parasites. The ones who benefit when two strong figures fight. With mutual respect the tow strong figures would have won and scavengers lost

How different are we from.despicable sharks when we too jst wait for fisherman to catch and we pay to eat?
We don't fight the fish to death witness it fight to survive. That panic when they know they are cornered and dead.

So tired

I am so tired.

Exercise

It may be a matter of how much we want something and how we prioritise it.
When I have time what do I do with it?

I did the 7 mim thing in 2nd  3rd and 4th Jan.  Then I didn't from 5th to 9th!
5th I worked
6th I got shy at work
7th I decided to play with kids
8th also
9th I went for a movie and ate!
Not to mention the hours in the toilet

Not that any of these are not important. Kids work food
Just ask g myself how much I want to do it. If must be important.  It is. But I must recognise it and give it that time.

Sindhu bhairavi 2

Songs like padariyaen padipariyaen are the reason why we should know tamil.  Such elegant word play and poetry.  So clever. 
And sivakumar defines  'smouldering' .
Vareva!

Continuing. This is after watching just the songs in the movie.
He is fighting his demons. Goes from. One temptation and addiction to another.
Sindhu to drinks.

Love how so much of the film males sense. 
Like she helps him sober up. Promises to return so he gets used to being without her and drinks for 6 months.
Then she retreats leaving behind her baby. Having served a kind of purpose in life.

swamped and then blessed

Its amazing
 I feel swamped, like I can't breathe, and then I look at my phone and I see my three darlings smiling at me (okay two smiling one frowning but such a cute frown) and my heart just melts. everything feels A okay.
thank you god for your blessings!
cheers
Meena 

Efficiency

I seriously need to improve efficiency. 
With Google no reason not to. Just now wasted 20 min or more coz I didn't check that I could collect and pack the parcel before I queue. So had to queue twice make people unhappy who think I'm join queue. Very stressful.
Now maybe late to meet Leonard. 

Ad

So I've been appointed ad
Honestly I think it's been long coming. I've been leading the lit team which is not the same as leading a team within El.  It's a whole parallel subject.

I will never forget the challenge pay issued me when I proposed a lit bulletin. You better have enough content if not there won't be an issue.

So.
I'm ad.  Well and good.
Any change requires change management.
And time for the changes to sink in.
I'll just need to take the time to reassure them. My goals are as always focused on lit  .

primaryschool feeling

ha! a minute ago I was transported to Marymount Convent, P2.
Can I go to the toilet, yes sure sure.

Class monitress. Meena. cannot say no to anything. at the point of demotion my teacher said, Meenakshi useless monitress!
haha, coz I couldn't say no. thought what right do I have to say when kids can go to the toilet!

just now my colleague just asked who they should clear their leave requests with! and this flashed back to me - class monitress. can't say no.
sigh.

well, it's okay.