Monday morning

5.45 am
The little one comes to the hall rubbing her eyes and takes me by the hand to her room to show me the moon
We sit on her bed and she guides me to tilt my head to the just the right angle  to see the brilliant white moon framed by dark clouds
We watch the moon play peek a boo with us teasing us behind a curtain of grey before shocking us with its white brilliance before completely vanishing before our eyes
She provides a running commentary alongside each dramatic appearance of the moon.
Initially she feels the moon itself is moving around. Then she realises.. eyes widening at the chance to use a phrase she's not used before..she announces "it's a passing cloud!"
A minute later she observes  "it's a huge passing cloud"

And im thinking
I've been up since 3.45 working
I'm nowhere near done
A passing cloud
Huge but.. passing nevertheless
She shines light on me as i watch the moonlight play on her, her eyes outshining the brilliant moon any day.

Time to think

I want to have time to just sit do nothing and not feel guilty
My mind is aflame
Cycles
Repeated patterns
Life cycles
Stupidity cycles
Wooden cycles
Woolen cycles

To have experienced the cold of winter in Holland and then read the book
It's different
They nearly starved . Who knows. Maybe Edith Anne and Margot would have died anyway
We all die one day

It's crowded in my head

It's crowded in my head
My work -the chapters I have to write
Characters from books I'm reading
jostling for space
Winston Smith and Miep Gies now
My philosophical leanings
On the world we live in
And the wretches we all are
My own fears rising
Knowing
I'm not a good mother
Competing with
Cut yourself some slack
I'm not exercising
I suck as a boss

Breathe.
Drink coconut mocha
Get to work
Shove these thoughts aside
As I do papers at my desk
Clear some space for the work of now
Deal with the rising tide of papery thoughts
Later
I'll never be able to catch up with the kids

Mothers and daughters

Always at crossroads
I ignore her
She's happy
So I shall ignore her all the time

Inuka

Farewell inuka
People mourned the passing of ah meng
I was much younger then.
I felt a twinge when the white tigers died.
A sense of time passing.
For the animals
For us
With inuka I was moved
Not just by its passing
But by the visible grief of the keepers and well wishers
Which polar bear has had so many people love it and mourn it
It must have been a great soul
For is it not our duty
To live life such that
At least one person will truly miss us?
And the more who do the more the sign of the loves your life has touched
And so a bear dies
And it may garner more missing than a beggar
Not right. By far. But still
Like that deer who attained moksha by thinking of Krishna
I hope inuka too is there now
Gamboling at His feet
Playing with his cows perhaps
God bless you dear Inuka
For bless you.

Seapowrimo

I thought I knew how to swim
Until I found out I didn't
In the middle of the sea
Surrounded by Greek Islands

On our honeymoon. Sort of.
2 years after we got hitched
My sensible half and I
Hopped onto a chic ferry

To see hot springs off the coast
of Mykonos. Only it
stops Mid ocean. the skipper
says jump off, swim to the springs.

Well. No life jackets in sight.
Bronzed bodies leap like dolohins
into the ocean Laughing,
The prudent half is prudent

With no illusions about
his swimming skills, unlike me.
I am not leaving without
seeing the promised springs

I strike out, only the sea
Seems to go on forever
The water stays green My arms
are tiring. I'm gasping

Then I start seeing shadows
of brown beneath and i think
God. Land. I can touch the ground
And I try. Only I can't.

Now I panic.  Headlines flash.
"Young lady drowns while reaching
out for eternal hot springs."
I notice a man treading

water like he lives at sea.
I make my way up to him
Instead of shouting "Help Me!"
I say with all the decorum

possible to muster while
trying not to drown : "scuse me
sir. I'm having some trouble.
May I hold on to you please"

He nods, puzzled at the kind
of trouble I'm having since
I obviously have no
trouble speaking in complete

sentences even if they
come out a bit breathless-
I hold on to his arm for
five seconds while i scan the

sea for something friendlier
To hold on to.  i spot it
A small rock that looks sturdy.
I strike out again. This time

I find the rock, clamour on and
stand there for a full minute.
Shivering in cold. Also
Realising my folly

In taking on the Greek seas
without knowing how to swim.
Realising I can't swim!
Dreading that I must go back.

I crawl up to the hot springs
I sit in them forlonly
For five minutes. I made it.
Yeah whatever. Now focus.

I take a deep breath and start
for the ferry, arms flailing.
I float on my back to rest
then I swing wildly again

I spy the romantic half
Snapping photographs of me
I'd have yelled if i could have.
This is NOT sexy swimming

I make it back. Cannot speak.
Shivering again. He says
"Where is your wedding ring, love?"
Stare at him I announce

"I nearly died!"

I had paid the sea my ring
in return for life, thank you.
Back home i start lessons in
Swimming. if not now then when?

On trying days i tell myself
I took on the Greek ocean
without knowing how to swim...
I can do just anything!

5 Sep 05

05.09.05

I thought I knew how to swim
Until I found out I didn't
In the middle of the Greek ocean

On our honeymoon. Sort of.
2 years to the date
My more prudent half and I
Are on a ferry
headed to hot springs
Off the coast of Mykonos.

Only the ferry stops
Mid ocean
And the skipper says
Jump off and swim to the springs.

Well.
No life jackets or buoys in sight.

Bronzed bodies leap into the ocean
Laughing, splashing.

The prudent half is prudent and has no illusions about his swimming skills.
I on the other hand am not leaving without seeing the hot springs
So I jump in
Red bikini and all

I strike out
Only
The sea seems to go on and on
The water stays green forever. My arms are tiring. I'm gasping for breath.
Then I start seeing shadows of brown beneath and i think
God. Land. I can touch the sea ground now.
And I try
Only I can't.
Now I panic.
I see the headlines flashing already
Young lady drowns while reaching out for eternal hot springs.
I see a man treading water like he lives in the sea
I struggle up to him
Instead of shouting "help! I'm drowning!"
I say with all the decorum possible to muster while trying not to drown
"Excuse me sir. I'm having a bit of trouble. May I hold on to you for awhile?"
Greek men aren't particularly friendly. They are handsome  in the gruff sort of way. He just nods ..  possibly puzzled at the kind of trouble I'm having since I obviously have no trouble speaking in full sentences even if they come out a bit breathless.
I hold on to his arm for five seconds while i scan the sea for something friendlier to hold on to.  i spot a small rock that looks tethered to the ground.
Then I strike out again. This time i don't fall for the ruse of brown shadows meaning ground I can stand on. I just swim. (I was dog paddling- now I know).
I find the rock and clamour on and stand there shivering for a full minute. Shivering in cold. Realisation of my folly in taking on the Greek ocean without knowing how to swim. Realising damn I  don't know how to swim! And the dread that man I have to go back too.

I crawl to the hot spring and stand in them forlon for 5 min. Yay I made it. Yeah whatever.
The I take a deep breath and start again for the ship. I swim then float on my back to rest then I swim again and float again.
I spy the better half clicking photos a d i want to scream. I'm not swimming in just staying alive!
I make it back. Can't speak. Shivering again. He says
"Where's your ring??"
I reply
"I nearly died!"
So I paid the sea my ring in return for life
Came back to singapore and started swimming classes straight away.
And now i tell myself
Man I swam in the Greek ocean when i didn't  know  how to swim.
I can do anything!

World of dew

The world of dew
Is the world of dew
And yet... and yet...

What is an island
But a dew drop
In the ocean

And what is earth
But a dew drop
In space

And when the world ends
As it one day must
It will end in dew drops

Of dust

When the world ends
Dust in the world of dew

And yet ...and yet...
A finger lightly
Presses it apart

Sleeping baby

A working mom's distress

I bend down to kiss her rose petal cheeks and pick up my handbag and laptop on my way out to work
Thinking,
today her sunny smiles will light up someone else's day.
Her eyes and hands will animate her stories to someone else.
Someone else will wipe away her tears, hug and comfort her when things don't go well.
Someone else will beam and cheer her on when she magically does something today she didn't know how to the day before.
At night
when i come in
I will see her
being read to by someone else.
I will waft to the bathroom
And then to her room to give her a good night kiss before I have my dinner and sleep.
And I wonder
How is she mine or I hers ?

Observations While cycling

I pedal forward
Precariously balancing lunch bag on one handle
Laptop bag on other handle
Handbag slung over the shoulder

Ahead of me come two teenage girls
Fairly identical
Pale skinned long hair in uniforms slight build  and both looking down on phones as they walk side by side
The new norm
I ring the bell.
They look up
Side step
Look down

I keep cycling
A junction
I have a minute to spare
My fingers itch
To reach for my phone
Who wastes time now?
To stop think reflect
It's reflex
Reach for the phone
Scroll
Then think maybe
Should i switch to Facebook orTwitter or Snapchat or Instagram
The light changes
I move on
A stop but not to think

Green

A little island - marooned off in the concrete wilderness if singapore
A grove of trees
Forgotten perhaps ... ensconced between two major roads already undergoing re routing and change
An oasis of trees reaching to the skies
Kaplan river Corraled like a canal on a third side
A path almost no one takes
Takes me there
Silent
Hopeful
Praying no one notices them
Or the ground they stand on
How good a condo here will look
Prime location
Next to downtown line
Branches up as if to hide it's face or cry to the skies
Ignore me so I survive
Admire not my beauty
Once consumed can be belched out
Let me remain
Overlooked
And beautiful

Dead tired

Dead weights Sit on me
My arms my legs my eyelids
Leadened and deadened
I feel I can never rise again

Cotton candy

Pink and blue crystals pour out of the scoop
Into a spinning vortex
weaving clouds tinged pink and blue
Melting on the faces of cherubs

Stump of a tree

Running for bus number 16 opposite orchard Mrt

So it's easier now to run for the bus
Over the grave of a tree that was stumped before being sawed before being cemented over and paved to oblivion

I preferred stumbling over the roots in my race for the bus

Perfect nother

Perfect mother

It is not possible to be a perfect mother
To smile and be happy and be patient with little brats all the time

Confessions

Today I confessed
To the error in the syllabus
To tutoring a kid
To receiving free books from.pm associates.

Off centre

I just read off centre.
I'm so mad at our system.
Our system that prompts kids to jump off
That makes kids go mad
That makes them feel if they aren't top of the race they aren't worth anything
That makes kids feel their worth is measured by grades
I'm sick of this system I'm part of.

Other works echo
Inheritance. Also on mental illness and what is okay in Singapore
Deepa. Kanna' s fears that may not be so irrational after all..
I feel sick.

I'm at the coffee shop and feel like i cant move
If we could abolish psle what could that mean?
If we assure all kids they will get educated . No need for certs. They will get educated.
Every child guaranteed 10 to 12 year education
Have a test at 16. Give all a chance to sit for same test at 17. Choose best grades over both years.

All you want is a smile

All you want is a smile to acknowledge you exist

Liquid dance moves

His chubby cheeks

At 6 going on 7
His cheeks shine
Soft and pinchable.
Squishy little fellow-
I want to curl him into my lap and hold him there
Stroke his hair his forehead those cheeks

I dare not let go.

When i do
He will spring back
Not to his little michevious self
But into a moody 16-year old going on 17
Lanky, stubble starting on his now smooth cheeks and chin

And I will wonder -
where did all that time go
stretching him out from 6 to 16
Like kids' slime or playdough
and where had I been then?

View from an airplane window

View from a window 650000 m above ground
--------------

The clouds stretch out like fields of cornflowers towards the setting sun

Against my will my eyelids pull shut

They open to a different scene, lit in black and white
And right at my window
A blazing white disc
Sharp enough to cut
Blinding

I could reach out to touch it
Only it would burn me

The stars dim beside it

It is too full, too bright
to capture on camera .
Madonna and her child
Etched like a temple stone carving

It rises before me,  with all its shade?  shadows, craters and all
In less than a minute it will be overhead over my plane

But for now it's here
Achingly
close.

Who has the right to die

A very provocative statement

Who has the right to die
The maimed?
The intellectually challenged ?
Or the greedy?
The cruel?
What if we are greedy sometimes and cruel sometimes?

Letter to myself

My biggest fears

Not knowing myslef
Find myslef

If i had 100 000 dollars what would I do

I'd like to educate one or two poor kids somewhere.

Friends

I worry I have lost a friend
Sutha
Not writing to me
Maybe closed her heart up to me
Maybe she's crying
I doubt she doesn't care
If she didn't care she would have written back straight away
I wish mails had the two ticks too
I behaved badly and now that I've said sorry I want instant forgiveness
It's like I'm still a kid

God
Help us heal this rift
My last threesome holiday I ruined
Maybe I can't do threesomes
Only solo or big group or pair

Pair so full attention is given
Group where attention does not matter and I can flit between people like. A butterfly

Spwm day 2 female perspective

Poem from pov of female heroine real or mythological or fictional

Seetha

Aung san su kyi

If you had said the word
I would have left
You coward
Beastly coward
You sent your brother to leave me
Sita talks to draupadi

You... maiden of the Mahabharata
Me.. maiden of the Ramayana

Sita to Draupadi
---------------
If i were you...
I would have left all five of them
I would have burnt the village with the fire in my eyes
Like Kannagi burnt Madhurai
Only i would have started with that wastrel gambler who gambled you together with your house
Then the brute who called you alms
Then the mother... pure mother of five whose word once given can't be taken back but whose son could be given away in a basket on a river
Then the other big one too big to go against his brother
And the twins so nondescript I can't recall them except that their names rhymes 

Ahem

Yes

I'm the afore mentioned Kannagi

Oh hi. Welcome.

I burnt Madurai. I should have burnt him first. Left me for a dancer Madhavi

Ahem

Yes

I am the afore mentioned dancer.. madhavi.

I used to hate you
It's not your fault
Baby born among the prostitutes
What choice did you have
You spoke back to him once
And he came running to me

I was tired of him kannagi
Such a whiner
I kicked him back to you
A Kovalan shaped ball
With not much balls

But you seetha... chips in Draupadi

Yes

If i were you
I would have left rama
Before he left you
Nine months pregnant with twins
In the forest
You who stayed true to him when Ravana desired you
For what a dhoby said
He was too good for you

Today we, Draupadi, Seetha, Kannagi &
Madhavi.. heroines of the great Indian epics protest.
Against the male writers who wrote our stories
Impinging their values and dreams of us in books
Otherwise fantastic stories
But for the fate of us women
We protest
Against these epic portrayals of epic feminity
Demure before husbands
Fierce before people to protect husband's

Spwm day 3 rapper bonus

R and b or rap sing and write a memory poem

Spwm day 1 h2o

Bodies of water
Shimmering shining at the surface
Deep and enveloping below the surface
Whirl pools and swirl pools
Home to the strangest creatures
The cross eyed squid
The fish with the translucent head

The world in a bead of water
Chasing its brother up a windscreen
When the elements interact
Wind and water on a glass surface
Like liquid glass beads on a clear glass surface

Drops of water trickle down your back

Raindrops on a windscreen
--------
A passing cloud unloads liquid gemstones on the screen at the traffic light
The car starts up.
A lone bead chases its brother up the screen - then another follows and another
Drops zip behind other drops
When wind meets water

Like a glass marble rolling on a glass table

I watch entranced.

As light breeze blows

World of books

There's A world of books I'd like to read... just not sure how and when to do it
1. A column of fire by ken fillet
2. A brief history of tomorrow and sapiens by yuval Noah harari
3. The girl with the pearl earring
4. Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy

Moon

I've never been nearer the moon in my life I could reach out and touch it
It might burn me with its light

The stars dim beside it

It is too full too bright to capture on camera . Only in my minds eye. Something for my inner wordsworth

I see Madonna and her child
My Malar and Mira

I see the moon rise before me
Soon it will be over my head over my plane
Bit now it's here
Achingly close
And its gone
Too soon

First it was lit with a soft golden hue
Then the horizons lit purple blue
Then Start the crystal moon