turning white

if white is pure

and black is evil

my head of evil hair is turning purer day by day

how is it

that I have a head full of waves, 

thinning masked by curls,

only to find one curl, 

white, among the black? 

It's as long as the rest. 

Did it turn white overnight,

a chemical reaction? 

Or did grow white from the head,

secretly, out of view,

to suddenly spring upon me like this,

a fully grown snake trying to mingle with the rest? 

Except it can't. 

It doesn't curl with the others,

always standing out, crooked, bent.

Now I tie back my hair

and search the mirror for the albino thing

I can't find it. 

Could it have turned black again? 

Unfortunately, I believe, its a one-way street. 

Could this mean

every day

another hair will turn white,

stand by strand and

will they alternate

so I have zebra stripes on my head? 

I could start a new trend.

you've lasted me black all this long

why switch to the dark side now? 

windy days

the January wind blows and blows

I'm cycling with my daughter at 2pm

rare in Singapore usually so hot

but today the sky is covered in clouds

and the path is strewn with leaves 

shaken free from dancing trees

yellow brown red orange green

and she and i are laughing 

for our hearts today are wild and free.

party Central

Even with all the stresses I've been having

managed to have some meaningful wonderful celebrations for loved ones

1. akshaya's game room party turned out real fun, with vrinda prahlad samir safia shruthi and abi and saro and subair 

2. Xmas party and gift exchange at home with more games

3. New years day open house for ashwin's friends! 

4..kavins 1st party was a blast bit the games for kids

5. my dad's surprise party at home turned out real well with alex show show before then interesting fruit and sesame ball cake and mee soto and devi sath kaavya kavin for company 

6. Aishu's birthday turned out fun too with home baked cake that akshaya could eat and fun day out lunch and bicycle shopping

all God grace that in between the tough times and illness and hospital stays we had fun too

comfort

It is normal for a child

to seek comfort in his mother 

yearning for her long arms

to hold him close

till he falls sleeps

Is it equally normal for the mother

to seek comfort in her child, 

to pull his lithe body into the curve of hers, 

to drink in deeply the smell of his curls

tickling her chin 

to savour the solid warmth of his small self beside her

as she sleeps

knowing for now

that she is wanted, loved? 

ants on a leaf 2

We are but ants on a leaf,

planning our small lives 

based on big dreams

that crash everytime the wind huffs. 

We may slip off, 

with only a fingernail left to grip the leaf, 

yet claw our way back on, 

tears mingling with the rain,

For to be human is to hang on,

survive 

while we pray 

for stillness in our days.

ants on a leaf

we are but ants on a leaf.

yet, we cling on because

we are programmed to do so

even when buffeted 

by rough winds, rain, hail

we may slip off, with only a fingernail left to grip the leaf, 

and yet claw our way back on 

our tears mingling with the rain

for to be human is to hold on

and on and on

it is how we survive as a species 

we plan and plan

and the the wind huffs and puff and we are blown off course

yet

we hang on

for that is what we do

the human animal with nails and claws

we hang on by the tip of them

and pray for stillness in our days

chivu

Chivu the Ottagachivungi  (giraffe).

I'm back at the hospital and Chivu is here,

a one-legged, twiggy thing

taller than me. 

He keeps me steady when I'm faint

but leashed to my vein,

he causes great pain. 

Like Mary's lamb, 

he follows me everywhere, 

even to the bathroom.

When we go for a walk around the ward,

he insists on leading the way, my hand on his back .

He feeds constantly but is never full, dripping into me all that he drinks. 

He sings at inopportune moments. 

the nightingale his muse though he warbles out of tune. 

I feel bad for scolding him.

Chivu my pet. 

but man I can't wait

to be rid of him.

diary of a hospital mama

I'm here again

3rd time in less than a year 

with my beautiful brave daughter

she is a light to this world

and it pains me to see her suffer so

but I cannot let fears of an unknown future hold me hostage against the present

and the present 

is here 

now.

and what is a hospital mama

one who spends nights in the hospital

taking deep breaths so she can be calm for her baby 

her sweet brave baby who endures such pain

who takes deep breaths so she doesn't give up

chivu

Chivu the Ottagachivungi  (giraffe).

I'm back at the hospital and Chivu is here,

a one-legged, twiggy thing

taller than me. 

He keeps me steady when I'm faint

but leashed to my vein,

he causes great pain. 

Like Mary's lamb, 

he follows me everywhere, 

even to the bathroom.

When we go for a walk around the ward,

he insists on leading the way, my hand on his back .

He feeds constantly but is never full, dripping into me all that he drinks. 

He sings at inopportune moments. 

the nightingale his muse though he warbles out of tune. 

I feel bad for scolding him.

Chivu my pet. 

but man I can't wait

to be rid of him.

hospital mama

I just need to accept / embrace that I'm a mum with a child who may be in and out of hospital 

and be thankful for whatever I can

she is stoic

and brave 

and only the dried track of a tear that rolled down from the corner of her eye towards her temple as her head bent towards her pillow betrays that all is not well 

and I brace myself 

to cheer her up

be in her corner 

brace myself 

to gun down my fears of the future 

and laugh at the irony

that her therapist said just yesterday that the only thing we can say .that it won't be tomorrow 

but it was 

hope

is it better to have no dreams 

and therefore never be disappointed 

or to have big dreams, wild and unfettered 

but live in fear of never having them come true? 

Kintsugi

broken pots can be fixed with gold

made beautiful because of the wounds 

and so we can grow around our pains our hurt 

find new ways to live

in beauty 

latest fears

That I'll never go on a holiday again 

that every trip will be overshadowed by this fear of her being hit

ah well

Elizabeth and Darcy came to the rescue 

.my spirits are up only minutes at a time

how can I help her cope on her own

find strength within

2022 a reflection

1. Federer retired 

2. Messi won the world Cup 

3. Russia declared war on Ukraine

4. Rajapaksha ran away leaving a country in shambles 

5. Elon musk took over twitter and unleashed monsters 

6. shinzu abe got assassinated 

7. Qatar held world cup with no alcohol was a hit

8. Hari passed on. cancer. 

9. Kavin was born !  

19. Ved was born.  shristi was born.

20. akshaya was ill 3 times 

21. we went to a tiger reserve 

22. Taylor swift broke all records and crashed ticket master and Spotify and everything 

23. ashwin got published 

24. I got published in quarterly literary review Singapore 

25. I started my poetry manuscript. must complete in 2023, once a week for 1 hour. possibly on sat when akshaya is in classes

26. ashwin won pesa 

27. I got a presidents award 

28. saro disappeared.

29. roe vs wade got overturned in America

30. the white house was stormed on Jan 6

2023 books

Books I'm half way thru in Jan

1. 12 bytes by Jeannette Winterson 

2. Home by toni morrison 

3. The almighty sometimes.

4. Brown is Redacted 

5. Red Velvet.

6. Kaur book from thavam

7. Maps

8. voices in the park picture book

Books to read 

1. Book on avvaiyar 

2. Book by Thomas on essays

3. Greek book from sudha

4. New olive again author's book

5. New Antony doerr book

6.