blessed glimpses

yesterday I was blessed to catch a glimpse, microsecond glimpses, of some wonders

usually I see flocks of parrots flying... streaking is the word actually, across the sky in air plane formation.  

I know them to be parrots coz of the pattern they hold as they streak and their distinctive tail shape. I almost always have to look at the sky to see them. they look like zipping shadows against the sun

but yesterday morning, I happened to look out of my window

and I saw this beautiful flock streak past me, skimming the trees, below my window! and that means i saw them all green and gorgeous. literally less than a second but a sight to last me forever. 

I have never looked down upon a streaking flock of green parrots. they are beautiful. their green... no word bit parrot green. 

later that morning at a traffic light I looked out the window and happened to catch sight of a butterfly, the size of a toddler's thumbnail, translucent white, just landinh on a tiny dandelion head in the grass. of course once it landed I could not see it anymore. tiny. translucent white. fluttering. it's made to camaflouge with  dandelion heads. but this dandelion was shaking and shaking in no wind so i knew it was still there and a second later it took off. 

blessed sights indeed! 

Mathew Perry

A third public figure whose loss I am mourning... Mathew Perry died today, aged 54. drowned in a hottub like Sri Devi also around ahead 50. 

he just published his memoirs. 

and then poof he's gone

I woke up today and realised this is a world with no mathew Perry in it

seems it is a gift he has lived this long though. he was in a 2 week coma once. 

how such a marvellous comic felt such agony each day

I hope he was happier near the end

when sp bala died I yearned for someone to say sorry for your loss, to acknowledge his passing as my personal loss. so I teared up when I read an article that said their thoughts were with his family, friends and fans. I felt comforted too. an acknowledgement that he was mine however distant. 

thank you mathew perry for the laughs 

thank you lky for your leadership and my country 

thank you spb for your music 

thank you mathew perry for the laughs

each of you one of a kind, shaping my life in tangible and intangible ways. 

forest air

I turn into the forest 

and the air is crisper

listen! 

the crickets have a voice here

the birds space to serenade 

the vines a highway for monkeys 

the shrubs shed flowers in abundance 

the line from Jurassic Park echoes 

nature finds a way

there is stillness reflections 

clouds and trees in water 

kids

nothing more charming

that red cheeked toddlers running about on grass

their hair plastered wet against their heads

clearly in their element 

hurry

hurry hurry

the moon bright orange today .is going  to fall off the sky 

heavy

safe enough to be sad 

thats what she wants 

not the sheer exhaustion of appearing happy 

she ( another she) told me how badly brought up I was how badly I was bringing up my kids 

remind me never to share any more videos and pics of kids to her ok. for what she will only talk about how skinny they are and how useless my cooking is

remind me also never to show her any cooking I've done

everything I show her is fodder for her withering criticism

she said I'm luck to have found saro who puts up my ineptitude. can you believe the gall of that

she thinks she brought up the kids so well 

she let him get the stupid virus that now affects akshaya ok. she killed one of her own babies. 

and her cooking makes me sick. but she talks so much like she knows every damn thing perfectly. 

I'll never visit her again. If I do will keep to myself. no fake jolliness.  the more I praise her cooking the more she sees reason to fault mine and ours at home. it's exhausting. 

she doesn't prepare enough food and then thinks its so delicious that all the food finished. doesn't get that we she big eaters. 

I'm disgusted and I was trying to be so sympathetic towards her. 

need to let it go

thats all she knows.

and her intentions are good

she believes she will die without listing my many faults so made it a point to let me know haha

Well now she can die in peace. she has said all she needs to.

still. it does come from a place of love. 

just misguided 

sigh

as long as I am true to myself I have nothing to fear or gain from her praise or reproach 

it's just noise

I just have to be strong enough in my self knowledge. I do have many moments of self doubt and self reproach. 

I will not be extending any love to them beyond the call of duty 

India 2023

where and how do I start 

1. she does not have any disease 

2. she needs discipline to regulate her sleep and diet 

diet we are doing what we can. of course can do better but not too far off the mark.  more keerai and dates for sure. now gonna add kool maavu to the mix. and set a menu plan for 2 weeks to ensure all food goes in 

sleep. related to anxiety.  

we had a huge breakthru. akshaya opened up and talked to saro first then me about lots of things 

1. she feels she can't be herself 

2. she feels like hurting others and hurting herself. cutting herself 

3. she thinks ( knows) she is bisexual

4. her bedroom is her safe space and she feels anxious out of it

number 3. she seemed much relieved about having shared this with saro and me. and saro to his credit, just listened without judging. she sobbed after telling me, saying it mattered very much to her how I felt about it, more than saro. 

makes me reflect on this position of power we have over our children. constantly seeking affirmation and approval from us 

so number 3 ok. we are ok. just advised as with straight, wait. studies over. older more mature. no need to box yourself too early. but we are ok. Happy for her. 

what about numbers 1 2 and 4? 

maybe sharing 3 may reduce feelings for 1 and 2 a bit?

one can hope. 

must still be on alert. 

she wants to meet a psychiatrist and get medication for anxiety. 

I'm still not so sure

exercise food peace of mind

these are more long term ways of being 

bridgerton

season 2 ranks among my most fav shows ever

the simmering romance where less is more. tension. just lovely 

weight of responsibility 

loveable flawed characters 

goodbyes

we said bye to wiwit today 

our helper of 8.5 years

she is the only one my aishu has known really 

I'm  blessed to have had someone willing to stay with us that long and for us to feel for one another when she leaves

May God bless her abundantly. 

somehow her departure feels like a turning point in my life too

I think saro wants to join his best buddy in a committee again next year 

and I'm in a position having to decide between letting the loved one go like  butterfly 

and holding 

but guess that's not hardest to bear 

see he has work family one temple already. the last time he tried 2 temples the family nearly fell apart. akshaya felt majorly sick three times I was unhappy a lot aishu started worrying about divorce and whom to live with 

so if he wants to do this again . 

cannot keep adding. something will give. 

and guess if he chooses one more temple it means he is willing to give up family.give up me. 

and earlier today it seemed unbearable to have to do it alone again

but now less so

though I really don't want sex with him if so.he can do it himself or outside with anyone else I couldn't care less

something will give you know

and the wall that I put up last year and took down slowly will come up again, pricklier than ever. something has to give. 

.what will be hard is to be neutral about him to the kids. kids deserve a father. for that I'd have to really not care! .ah well

20 years is a good run. 

update . 

i literally fell sick.  headache vomiting 

but had a conversation with saro

turns out he had said no and was just managing his friends feelings about it

guess we both realised how traumatised i was about last year 

I came out and said things that I had just thought or penned. that our marriage was in danger last year. that I was quite unstable even. I had reached my limit. 

yesterday I felt it.. tailspin, spiral downwards out of control

such a visceral experience . now feel so settled and normal but then omg

and if I can fall.like this on a word, really not as stable as I think 

song poem

or when we are down

as we will be at times

and look for better days

"netru pol indru illai 

indru pol naalai illai" 

today is not like yesterday 

tomorrow will not be like today 

transience of time and the hope that can hold 

I have done well

if no one else will say it to me

it doesn't matter 

above all else to thine own self be true

and I say truly 

Meena you have done well

you coached your son for psle

sure some days you were hard on him, monstrous even scary

but on balance you were good to him

you encouraged him

set aside time to work with him 

even when you had your office work to see to ans akshaya to look after

you have done well meena

Good job 

you have done well meena

you looked after akshaya as best as you could 

listening to her 

finding alternate care when nec

not afraid to explore aspects

you have done well meena 

you wrote the 1st paper largely yourself 

the second paper entirely yourself 

came up with slides

met colleagues on concept for dialogue.

planted the seed for a new exciting idea ..you have done well 

sure you have miles to go before you sleep 

but 

all will be well. 

you will do well.

what triggered this post 

I said saro should give me a prize and he said he'd see after the results 

he was only half joking you know

I care more about the process he the product 

I'm the teacher he's the engineer 

figures 

anyway 

akshaya feels she may get some medal or something next year for going thru with exams despite everything 

I hope she does 

but even if she doesn't 

she's a champion already 

maybe we should get her something to encourage her 

sick

I'm sick of psle

it's day 3. 

1 more day and I wish it were over already 

why

coz I have to spend 2 hours with him 

but I also have to do a read back by 4.30

and see that stupid paper again possibly

and update tlg unit 3 with 21cc, unit plan 2 matching sls and notes on Adnan 

and I need to do up slides for lit il dialogue 

I'm living dangerously