little things

I can't help it

even when I'm low

the smallest things can lift my spirits up

like a brown butterfly on a step

it's delicate wings flapping,

or a child pointing to the vibuthi bucket

ardently copying the parents in all things 

modelling the outward gestures of prayers so earnestly 

that the blessings for the family will surely double 

babies and butterflies make me smile

for in them I see God's hands, his wonder and then I cannot be sad too long

so

here I am

outside the psychologist's office

hoping I've not made things worse by speaking to the therapist before her. 

and I'm just sitting. thinking of all my unmade plans

or plans unmade

by the passing of time 

and lack of will

a days dip can feel like a low

when I know

I could pick it up again

and if I feel like this

how much more she feels

so young to feel so much

and how useless I am sometimes 

reeling

My mind is reeling.  I feel I should call my parents every morning first thing see how they are doing 

so here's the update 

my dad narrowly escaped stroke and blindness brought about by crazy diarrhoea!  

my mum is suffering from chronic fissure and is in a lot of pain and may have to go for surgery. she also has flooded lungs! 

and my daughter..  is down with a sore throat and is down. a week before school. I'm praying to God she holds up and can go to school alright  

what I'd like everyday

what I'd like to do everyday 

1. 30 min of vigorous exercise that makes me sweat

2. 15 min walk in nature 

3. 5 min at least of quiet time of meditation / reflection 

4..10 min to read quietly 

total 1 hour per day to recharge and build energy 

5. drink 2l of water each day

6. eat some fruits/ raw vegetables everyday 

passing

What do you do 

when you find out a boy you know,

a chubby, cute, somewhat annoying

but not in a bad way 

11- year- old friend of your son, 

suddenly has no mother?

It hits you in the gut,

coz you know he had a mum last week, 

one who'd swim with him, 

take him out for holiday meals, 

just be there for him, with him,

but who now won't, can't,

and your heart aches. 

You tear up while watching Wonka recount his days with his mum 

making chocolate together 

before she passed,

coz now you know a child who will miss his mom, 

and you wonder how he will remember her.

My son whispers to me at night,

arms around my neck, 

"please don't die." 

so

what do we do

when the teen says 

our love may not be enough 

to hold her down

if the urge to fly comes

give our young roots and wings they say 

but they did not mean 

wings to the ground 

so I wait 

ready to wait it out wait it out 

for this too 

must pass

I must hope

Best hotels to stay in tasmania and Melbourne and great ocean road

Recommendations 

1. Taras Farm stay at richmond .

2 nights recommended.  Bit ex but they run a rescue farm. and the only place that seved breakfast of homemade and jam and butter. can feed animals for an extra 40 dollars. 

2. Bask at Bicheno. 3 nights recommended. absolutely best place we stayed in.colour coordinated furnishing and utensils,  coffee machine, backyard with toys. Perfext base to explore bicheno blow hole, penguins, freyicint national park and bay of fires and just hang out and enjoy the day. a good chill day place. 

3. Cradle mountain discovery Park. amazing place. near the walks area. nestled in nature. very comfy warm even in the cold. lovely lovely place. saw wombat up in entry! 

4. Nightcap at Launceston. okay motel. free drinks on welcome and Indian restaurant jungles walking distance.

5. The beach cottage at Port arthur. 3 nights recommended to explore the place. one night to crash. bring a ball to play in their yard and watch stars at night! one day to enjoy the tasman island cruise. one morning at least to explore the historic site. Good to go on Sunday morning the craft sale is very nice got the best gifts there. hand crafted well made. 

6. flinders landing at melbourne.   heart of the happening centre of the city beautiful comfy rooms very friendly helpful receptionist

7. marango caravan park. very close to apollo Bay. near the beach. super Comfy. Close to many attractions.  suggest to stop  by kennet river to spot koalas on the way to marengo

8. summer rest unit at Port cambell.  comfy place  colour coordinated. town is lovely. waves restaurant serves best food. 

Great Ocean Road to Melbourne Day 15 to 17

Day 15 was the best.  most chill and holiday like

Saro and I re lived our port arthur trip in the morning. then I went for a walk, down to a place of absolute majesty and mystery. the meditative sea. washing rising falling rushing foaming never the same pattern coz its a point where currents meet before melting into a bay. the white horses at sea from frozen 2 came to mind. 

it's the image I recall now to conjur power and peace. saro met me in a while and we walked down to the cafe shared a mocha and bought back hasbrowns for the kids  

my current fav Australian bird the blue fairy wren found a fav place at our car and aishu got a pic of it. 

saro took akshaya for her first driving lesson while ashwin aishu and I packed up the place. ashwin is a real star when it comes to cleaning up and place esp the kitchen area. love him. aishu helps a lot too. 

then we went to see the London Bridge. peaceful beautiful sight to end our great ocean road adventures. 

then early lunch at the same gorgeous restaurant, waves restaurant where we had the best lunch this trip. then souvenir shopping at small shops. then playground time. like I said very chill. finally left for Melbourne at 2.30pm. Two mi or stretch stops and we reached Melbourne by 6.30 pm. experienced city peak hour traffic and hook turns for the first time! 

we stayed in the best hotel ever, flinders landing. 

then city life beckons! saro and akshaya went to explore Melbourne University. and... holding my breath... she likes it! can see herself coming here to study. likes the campus location  the student housing and so on. my heart breaks a bit at the thought of sending her overseas to study. I pray she is well enough and has her conditions in control and can be careful about the food she eats. so much to worry about! but also exciting. Good to have something to plan ahead for. 

meanwhile ashwin aishu and I did my fav kind of exploring. the no plan exploring.  kaal ponna pokellam we went and loved it. got samosas and a tandooori chicken to munch as we walked. found a giant Xmas tree at a famous Square. found a Jewish pop group singing for Chanukah.  police patrol at the end but all qas peaceful and happy. saw young Jewish men in skull caps and beards and long sideburns like I've read about and seen on movies but never in real life .

then we walked on towards the river and ashwin found a carnival! we rode the ferris wheel high about the city and kids went spinning round and round on one crazy ride. aishu made a wish for her akka to get better and lit up an Xmas tree 

then walked back and found the most awesome fast food- Lord of the fries a vegan burger place. all bought burgers home. saro and akshaya met us there. then I took kids home and saro wandered around town. 

at the hotel we ate together then ashwin and aishu had long relaxed tub and bubble baths. 

all crashed at night after packing up for next day flight

day 16..

again two groups. aishu ashwin and I headed for pancakes and monopoly dreams. walked 40 min for pancakes after two wrong turns but they tasted great and turned out to be in same building as monopoly dreams. we grabbed money and played a laser game and took pics in jail and generally had loads of fun. earned enough to get us a game of monopoly cards and an ice chocolate for free too! 

then walked by a souvenir shop got us tee shirts for saro me and akshaya and siti and kavin and kaavya. then to the hotel and load the car and petrol and airport and home sweet home

.aishu said she never wants to leave sg for so long again she misses home so much

ashwin said why didn't we take maavu he misses idly and dosai and wants nasi lemak and chicken rice and all that haha!

akshaya naughty girl stepped out felt the heat and says she wants to live in Melbourne she can leave her hair down there 

Melbourne to Great Ocean Road Day 12 to 13

Day 12. started the day exploring Melbourne,  took the tram to the state library just gorgeous then played gold at holey moley and pigged out at briyani House. 

then we started towards great ocean road at 3.40pm. a lot later than we expected. Still quite lovely. we drank in the ocean views as we drove and stopped to pick up dinner at lorne. then got to this amazing cabin at marengo caravan park. basically ate and slept there. 

and I realised something. how city life is exciting but not calming. so much going on we feel fomo all the time. the minute we step into the seaside all these melt away and there is just us and the sea and peace. 

Day 13

next morning we woke up early to go spot koalas along kennet river aishu's idea. qe saw a pack of kangaroos very happy, first wild set to see. we saw three or 4 koalas too,  one mummy and baby pair and one active guy who walked leapt and climbed for us. and we experienced a storm in the forest with winds whipping leaves and twigs in our face! we dashed for the car and raced out. ocean was so different in this rainy light and there was so much lightning. splitting the sky both ways! we raced back to the hotel. aishu went back to bed, saro made breakfast for the kids and I went for a walk to the beach 

Got my feet wet, picked up shells. Spoke to the owner who gave us great travel tips.

After checking out we spotted seals on rocks near our caravan place. saw one more koala up a tree next to a grumpy guy's property.  then went to maits trail. a beautiful enchanted forest walk with four meter tall germs and giant towering mountain ash trees. 

then we went to a fly infested lookout. 

then to gibbons steps. def a highlight. we got up close to one of 12 apostles. saro recorded his Xmas message there with coaching from akshaya. aishu got bowled over by waves and wore a sarong. I got a fabulous pic of ashwin between two apostles. ashwin sent a bottle to the sea. was lovely. and cold. 

we rushed back to our place at poet Campbell. gorgeous cute place summer rest house. at 4. out of the house by 545. aishu and I washed our hair in that time and saro made eggs and bread for the kids and I make bee hoon-  never worked so fast! and it was the best I've done! 

Then we went off to explore the 13 apostles and Loch Ard Gorge. breathtaking . flies gathered and bothered but the views! 

Very humbling to stand there and watch the ancient oceans erode the ancient cliffs a never ending dance. there is no mercy  no malice. just never ending force majesty beauty and awe . 

we tried spotting which arches will collapse next and which columns will form the next apostle and so on. 

then onto our place and dinner and bed. 

Tasmania to Melbourne day 11

Day 11 started at tasmania and ended at Melbourne. 

Morning saro and I recreated some stool magic ans got creative.  then packed had breakfast and headed off to airport in good time. on the way our front windshield got splattered by bees very strange and sudden! so much road kill the kids and I always pray all creatures will be safe with us and we will be safe. then these bees did kamikaze om our car  ! 

anyway the only time we got in early to airport our flight got delayed by 4 hours! had lunch at airport and got vouchers to buy chips and coke and gum.  finally landed in Melbourne.  

There's a huge cyclone building up near cairns and brisbane and also at adelaide. reduced visibility at Melbourne leading to delays. 

Melbourne was nice. pleasant not cold. though we missed the cold of tasmania very much haha. 

got our car, got over the initial.shock st size of boot space. creativity helped and we got all our things in and out of carpark at 559pm. had to get out by 6pm so we cut it close! 

got to our hotel and found reception guys all gone..bit of an adventure getting ourselves in with saro tailgating a guest in who also kindly let him in to hotel after parking! 

walked around Melbourne City. Saro and I liked the city but think kids got taken aback. their idea of city is clean green and silver Singapore. this was brown ans grimy with lost of graffiti everywhere! 

we walked to a Thai place for dinner and saro fell in love with Thai iced milk tea. and we tried a new flat noodles that was yummy. rest of food was OK. 

then walked back to hotel and crashed. aishu tried to gently wake up saro whi had fallen asleep on the sofa and he leapt up from deep sleep and bellowed at her frightening her out of her wits! had to console her and painted image of her feeding kangaroos to help her sleep. 

Today we head off to the great ocean road! saro and ashwin have gone for a walk surprise! usually I'm the first one up and out for walks. cradle mountain was my absolute fav for that.

Tasmania diaries days 9 - 10

day 9 

Got off to a much better start. couldn't sleep the night before so downloaded another 100 songs. so the drive was fun with lots of different songs and ashwin taught us to shuffle the music so we had nice surprises whole day. 

had breakfast of mostly fruits . oranges apples strawberries blackberries and some bread and cupcakes and dates 

then we were off. towards port arthur. last stop before we head to Melbourne  we stopped for lunch and groceries at sorell.felt familiar since we had our first dinner there too. 

then stopped at a freezing pirates bay Eagle hawk area before checking into our beach cottage. cute place. 2nd after bicheno. had a yard but no toys and no dryer so ashwin and I dashed out to buy a ball and a banana for ashwin. and a sponge for the room. 

had dance night complete with a disco ball! and lovely dinner with tomato rice brocoli and Mediterranean vegetables that nobody but me liked! 

watched boss baby and fell asleep.  

day 10 we head to historic district and tasman tour

Day 10

started nice slow and lazy.  First walk for saro and me alone together.  beach was OK bit smelly. but so quiet that the two cars that passed us waved hi, like it was a rare occurance seeing people out and about 

played some rugby in the yard great fun as usual though saro was more winded than he normally would be. I'm worried he says to wait for his cold to pass before worrying! 

then we went off to the historic site but no time to look around just the Sunday Market that sold lovely home made things. Akshaya got thilaga a pretty sun catcher butterfly and we got a sun catcher diffuser spider for ourselves. also got a necklace made of wood that is 4000 years old! petrified wood. loved hearing the old gent explain his process. and got our fav wombat doll at last . lots of frustration at the counter though coz we got a smaller one first but alls well that ends well and we love wombi aka gk ( gundu kathirikai) 

also got a bear shaped soap for thilaga and a devil postcard for ashwin and 3 lovely keychains

 wish I had got more. fairy wren, echidna and little blue penguin.

then the highlight we had been looking forward to whole trip- tasman cruise

it was both fabulous and awful . 

fabulous coz we went racing across rough blue green aquamarine seas, saw seals, big dolphins small dolphins dashing by us around us under us chasing fish diving synchronised swimming albatrosses! lone najestic sea eagle, seals fishing birds diving black and white penguin like cormorants on cliffs, amazing cliffs, waterfalls at blow holes, dolomite columns . 

not so good coz well, ashwin got very sea sick and me a little sea sick and he and aishu were super cold. akshaya had the best time think it was highlight of holiday for her. 

even now when I close my eyes I can see rhw dolphins darting in and out. saw even more at closer proximity than at rock port Perth. and just journeying in that frothing water so close to cliffs hundreds of thousands of years ago, just was surreal. In tasmania you appreciate scale and might and beauty and mystery of nature, of God.

in the peacock at cataract gorge too, they came so near us we could admire the colours the patterns how much time God spent on this one creature, giving it a crest with three colours, feathers that shimmer in tones, one bird, so many colours patterns designs and textures. the peacock by itself is a work of art and wonder, truly! 

back to the seas. the dolphins are playful,. I think what I liked about tasmania is here the people have let the animals feel safe enough to come close. so we daw creatures in the wild up close.  no need for zoos. just watch them in their environment  . like the wombat, then the peacock, even pademellon and now dolphins and seals. we are blessed blessed blessed

so after the ride where ashwin threw up twice and then once more on the bus back, we got home. rested. made dinner. I made amazing cauliflower soup and saro made amazing roasted potatoes. was like the best we had both cooked. amd watched family switch.  finally  a family movie all five of us were awake for. while i packed and finally went to bed, happy. ready. 

Tasmania diaries Day 8

Day 8

Not the best. After checking out from cradle mountain discovery Park we raced towards morokoopa caves but all tours were full. 

then headed to tio Rico for Mexican lunch which was lovely.  just a random search for Mexican food on the Internet led is there. small cute place . 

walked a bit in a park. 

then on to cataract gorge where we were blessed with visions of dancing peacocks following a scenic chairlift ride. even saw baby peacocks chicks! 

then, I swam in the freezing gorge! amazing experience.  

got cold and grumpy after that though. checked into a motel that had a bathtub and whole lot of forbidding rules. was raining too, we ordered Indian food that was okay only. all looked the same orange colour. and lots of fights with ashwin poor fellow. hated the room.

tasmania diaries day 6-7

Day 6: 

headed off towards launceston. stopped by lavender farms. beautiful fields of purple. 

left my phone and had to detour sigh. major emotional meltdown from me. 

checked in at lauceston motel nightcap at launceston.  very pleasant.  ashwin helped choose this according to our budget.

gave us a welcome drink. then we walked over to jungles Indian restaurant. had an amazing dinner kids made friends with a couple nearby from Melbourne who enthused them properly for cradle mountain and cataract gorge. 

day 7: headed to cradle mountain. 

stayed at discovery Park cabin. amazing. had a welcome by a wombat as soon as we entered. ashwin got super close and fab pics. aishued named her wombi.  fairly sure she was carrying a baby too! wombi junior or cutie.  

went for the enchanted walk got awesome photos. saw an pademellon

 like a wallaby but smaller more mouse like face. 

ashwin and I made pasta dinner yummy. ashwin has the touch! 

then watched a family movie about a school pet lizard that can talk and fixes the 5th graders lives in his last year . I slept intermittently. 

Day 8: woke early coz I was freezing. 4 degrees outside.  walked a bit came back to layer up walked some more. then drove out to do the rainforest walk. 

got ashwin we both walked too, he got so cold he dashed to the discovery centre ans had a hot chocolate for the first time. his first hot drink ever. 

finally by 12 we set off, took the bus saw cradle mountain by dove lake. amazing. then stopped by devil's at cradle saw baby devils. amazing story..20 years ago whole country was depressed that 80% of them had died in a matter of 8 years due to face cancer. now there is a vaccine, a recovery programme etc. very inspiring.  saro was mesmerised by some skull crunching the devils were doing. we also learnt more about quolls. spotted tails and Eastern ones. very interesting. 

then we had late lunch at peppers Lodge. Good one. then headed back to waterfall walk and rewarded with sighting of pademelon and baby pademelon! then the best part of the whole trip so far. a self drive to Ronnie creek! should be called wombat world according to aswhin and he is right. they graze the hills like sheep! one came so close to us we felt so blessed. like we were in a documentary.  heard it crunch the grass! it pooped right by us, caught on camera. we could have reached out and touched it if we wanted. it didn't care that we were there. am so happy for that means they have no predators or obvious threats. just mind their own business munching munching. we named this guy gundu kathirikai. other wombat names from the previous day are huppy - hungry and happy fellow l and chubs. we absolutely adore them lah

then back down to cradle mountain for evening views got the reflection photo wow wow wow. 

then back up to our cabin and ashwin and saro whipped up friend rice for us just amazing. 

day 8. I woke up earlier than the rest and had the most amazing walk down to pencil pine falls and kynvyt falls. magical,  a moment I cherish. wanted to so much to bring the rest but couldn't.  

tasmania diaries days 4 -5

so day 4, we headed up to freyicint national park to see our beloved wineglass Bay 

kudos to all of us for making it up and down and up and down again! 20 years ago it wasn't as tough. 

gorgeous views. saro proposed again at the beach and we exchanged rings with the kids presiding over the event. cute and sweet. packed lunch to eat at the beach. 

 going up I got worried for saro he got quite winded. I'm slow and I know it. but we didn't know about him.  Still we fashioned walking sticks for ourselves learning from aishu and managed it. 

cooked up a storm that night. pepper chicken, tomato rice, asparagus and mushrooms. hearty dinner and then slept 

day 5. backyard games in the morning. cricket and rugby so funny all of tackling aishu and saro and shouting foul and rolling over on the grass. easily one of the best memories of the trip. saro started feeling a bit ill though bummer. cold starting. 

headed off to bay of fires.  haha we don't know we ever found it. but pulled over at two secret beaches . secret coz not well known. just dodgy lanes by the side saro suggested we stop at. what gifts. a bird nesting area. don't think we saw baby birds or eggs but was an amazing beach . felt okay about missing 7 mile beach coz of that. 

then onto a trek to find the famed Bay of fires. GPS led us into a private farm where we chased a poor lamb down a path till it finally found friends. 

then we wandered up a forest path down kennel Rd or something. no Bay of fires but rewarded with lots of wild wallaby sightings. again a highlight of the trip. at one point sun was glaring so much saro couldn't see. I asked him to stop if so and good thing! there was huge tree in front of us! 

stayed at St George's Bay. unremarkable but ok. earlier when the boys slept us girls went exploring and made friends with 3 puppies. now even akshaya wants a border collie. think we may have our dog. fingers crossed by end next year? 

had lovely family dinner again. roast chicken with rice and simple bee hoon. 

tasmania diaries days 1 to 3

today is day 4 Sunday 

we arrived on Thursday, 30th Dec 

day 1: stopped at richmond brdige and played with ducks.check into farm. had noodles and slept like baby pigs. headed to sorell for Chinese take out, groceries, played durian game and slept 

day 2: breakfast and farm feeding. sheep, alpaca, pony squeaky and hens. then hobart city for bollorong rescue centre. learnt a lot about wombats and echidna. fed kangaroos. then headed to hobart city for lunch and walked about the city. used museum toilets! then up to Mount Wellington! saw a wild echidna on the way! love and hearts. so super cute. core memory

 then up to Wellington mountain. amazing views chilly cold. lovely. back to farm for dinner cooked by Ashwin and me. fried rice stir fry vegetables and asparagus. 

day 3, headed to salamanca Market for some shopping and light lunch.  bough wombat tee and pretty bracelets. then onto bicheno. Two lovely stops along the way, blasting tamil music. drive past a low river by one side then the sea by the other. a dream! then to bicheno blow hole. so amazing blue and orange and white . in love. core memory again. 

then to our darling place., bask . cottage by the sea with backyard and toy cricket bat and tennis ball. had instant noodles and made fried noodles.then to see penguins. little blue fellows. had privilege of a penguin parade right by our feet. delight x 3! 

today is day 4. heading out to freycint national park.

lonely in a crowd

this is the year I feel lonely in crowds 

but an okay with it

notes

deliberately silenced 

preferably unheard 

I contain multitudes 

surrounded by absent presences 

storytelling is an act of love and betrayal, sharing family secrets 

to be American is to be part of a war machine that is almost constantly at war in the east 

most people don't want to see their land as a place where there was genocide torture violence 

contradiction between hope and brutality 

portray and betray open secrets of America 

can Singapore lit do great things? can my voice do anything 

anti Asian abuse constant 

writing the only way to fight and to grieve 

grieving turning onwards 

fighting turning outwards 

both can come from same place. can be private and individual and also public 

we can open and close that door 

you can listen in as I speak to Vietnamese. when I speak to them I am not speaking to a minority 

grief is not always unique 

all of us have to acknowledge the limitations of our own homes that perhaps others take for granted 

how do I deny any violence we have done to the histories here?

sit with the discomfort of people doing terrible things 

man of two faces

 refugees 

I must read more Indian Singaporean writing 

who will the survivers of this assault of gaza be

what will they write 

I must have a plan to take a masters in creative writing at ntu or internationally

children have so much imagination and possibilities. so super precious. 

retain child like spirit and playfulness 

adults ask boring questions

give in to initiation 

continue to feel and write 

again

Tears rolls down my eyes

dotting my guitar

my aching knees 

as I watch, 

silent in Berlin

history repeat itself 

on another stage

Every month I paid my dues

week after week

as I strummed my guitar in bars

proof of my discipline 

to make myself , my family anew

but... nothing is new

96 years old today and

I witness war again

oppression again 

genocide again

but I am not to speak

so I pick up my guitar again 

futile perhaps in action

but my notes hang in the air

marking my sorrow

that man is son of sisyphus 

rolling a stone up the hill 

only to roll back 

forever 

saying uselessly

never again 

palestine

I must write about Palestine. 

Their suffering is huge and unjust.

After we said never again,

we are watching it happen all over again

just different players playing the roles.

Yes Hamas was wrong. but two wrongs don't make anything right.

Is this just a story of growing up,

that if you are bullied as a child you will grow to be a bully? 

Is this just a primal fight for territory and supremacy among lions for the same spare savannahs?  

Palestine and Palestinians are being crushed underfoot,

their homes being made unlivable,

their schools and hospitals being destroyed,

their entrances and exits blockaded so no water food fuel or medical supplies can pass 

being asked to flee from north to south in a matter of hours 

then bombed in the south. 

now asked to flee from south to further south in another few hours. 

Openly calling for all countries to open and accept them into their lands so zionists can whoop their war cries around the strung heads of the vanquished. 

This game has been played before. 

Here, we watch 

waiting for gov sanctioned ways of responding, 

for a team of men and women in white to be the singular voice of 5 million people.

The irony. 

Life is complex

you want thinking individuals, 

but only those who think the way you determine safe, 

you want to make the box bigger, your concession, but insist we stay within those lines. 

Woe is the day the power  

here turns from white to grey to black

We will have no mechanisms to fight back

We will be crushed 

like dust 

Perhaps we have always only ever been dust 

the deepavali i cooked

so past few years

wiwit has been in charge of all cooking for all functions including deepavali

now we have a new helper 

I was galvanised to cool again 

was happy to cook with my dad in mind 

lunch

made Brussels sprouts 

black pepper tofu

water melon salad

yesterday 

chocolate burfi and coconut burfi

morning .

payasam 

vadai ( so so) 

chutney -so so

then dinner 

chick peas and roasted red pepper sauce 

amazing pasta with asparagus mushrooms and cherry tomatoes 

rice pasta with brocoli 

and water melon salad 

all a hit! and I enjoyed meena's bread dessert so much! 

eras tour the movie

I just watched eras tour the movie and I am sooooo impressed

she has energy talent passion show biz smarts 

3 hours at least. non stop no breaks she sang and sang and sang. 

and what songs. what creativity with the sets the lighting 

so she custom builds her set each night each stadium. I'm so glad I watched it last night with a theatre full of screaming swifties.  btw my son nearby reminded me not everyone is one. otherwise I could get quite caught up in the mania and believe everyone to be a lover of swift.  he was asking how much more, can he get a snack can he go home, grunting groaning demanding attention haha.  and finally napped for an hour on my shoulder. he reminded me... I never stop being a mom, even at a concert haha! 

back to swift. the songs are in my head. it was larger than life.  wonderfully edited.  all thru the show I felt I'd like to watch it again. was an experience. I borrowed the feelings of others in the theatre. watching the interaction the inside jokes between swift on stage and swifties in their seats. 

I'm excited because I can sense I'm witnessing something spectacular, historic  like the rise of a superstar in my time, like Michael Jackson, the beatles, elvis... its thrilling.  

she is a billionaire just on music. most streamed artist on Spotify.  sell out shows around the world. it's an experience  . she gets voters to ballot boxes. her word is law to her devotees. but she is careful not to abuse her power. she rose from being pushed down, rose beyond her haters. a phoenix. she took control, took back her songs after she lost her rights to them. she writes her own music, words, plays the instruments for them and sings them. I have no words. 

I keep praying for her good health haha. 

marketing genius too. 2 surprise songs each night to keep it fresh.  Easter eggs dropped like clues everywhere.  

such love among swifties too. all cheering one another on, giving out friendship bands made painstakingly, exchanging some.  a world wide community how is that? beyond colour race gender nationality... a force of peace. 

blessed glimpses

yesterday I was blessed to catch a glimpse, microsecond glimpses, of some wonders

usually I see flocks of parrots flying... streaking is the word actually, across the sky in air plane formation.  

I know them to be parrots coz of the pattern they hold as they streak and their distinctive tail shape. I almost always have to look at the sky to see them. they look like zipping shadows against the sun

but yesterday morning, I happened to look out of my window

and I saw this beautiful flock streak past me, skimming the trees, below my window! and that means i saw them all green and gorgeous. literally less than a second but a sight to last me forever. 

I have never looked down upon a streaking flock of green parrots. they are beautiful. their green... no word bit parrot green. 

later that morning at a traffic light I looked out the window and happened to catch sight of a butterfly, the size of a toddler's thumbnail, translucent white, just landinh on a tiny dandelion head in the grass. of course once it landed I could not see it anymore. tiny. translucent white. fluttering. it's made to camaflouge with  dandelion heads. but this dandelion was shaking and shaking in no wind so i knew it was still there and a second later it took off. 

blessed sights indeed! 

Mathew Perry

A third public figure whose loss I am mourning... Mathew Perry died today, aged 54. drowned in a hottub like Sri Devi also around ahead 50. 

he just published his memoirs. 

and then poof he's gone

I woke up today and realised this is a world with no mathew Perry in it

seems it is a gift he has lived this long though. he was in a 2 week coma once. 

how such a marvellous comic felt such agony each day

I hope he was happier near the end

when sp bala died I yearned for someone to say sorry for your loss, to acknowledge his passing as my personal loss. so I teared up when I read an article that said their thoughts were with his family, friends and fans. I felt comforted too. an acknowledgement that he was mine however distant. 

thank you mathew perry for the laughs 

thank you lky for your leadership and my country 

thank you spb for your music 

thank you mathew perry for the laughs

each of you one of a kind, shaping my life in tangible and intangible ways. 

forest air

I turn into the forest 

and the air is crisper

listen! 

the crickets have a voice here

the birds space to serenade 

the vines a highway for monkeys 

the shrubs shed flowers in abundance 

the line from Jurassic Park echoes 

nature finds a way

there is stillness reflections 

clouds and trees in water 

kids

nothing more charming

that red cheeked toddlers running about on grass

their hair plastered wet against their heads

clearly in their element 

hurry

hurry hurry

the moon bright orange today .is going  to fall off the sky 

heavy

safe enough to be sad 

thats what she wants 

not the sheer exhaustion of appearing happy 

she ( another she) told me how badly brought up I was how badly I was bringing up my kids 

remind me never to share any more videos and pics of kids to her ok. for what she will only talk about how skinny they are and how useless my cooking is

remind me also never to show her any cooking I've done

everything I show her is fodder for her withering criticism

she said I'm luck to have found saro who puts up my ineptitude. can you believe the gall of that

she thinks she brought up the kids so well 

she let him get the stupid virus that now affects akshaya ok. she killed one of her own babies. 

and her cooking makes me sick. but she talks so much like she knows every damn thing perfectly. 

I'll never visit her again. If I do will keep to myself. no fake jolliness.  the more I praise her cooking the more she sees reason to fault mine and ours at home. it's exhausting. 

she doesn't prepare enough food and then thinks its so delicious that all the food finished. doesn't get that we she big eaters. 

I'm disgusted and I was trying to be so sympathetic towards her. 

need to let it go

thats all she knows.

and her intentions are good

she believes she will die without listing my many faults so made it a point to let me know haha

Well now she can die in peace. she has said all she needs to.

still. it does come from a place of love. 

just misguided 

sigh

as long as I am true to myself I have nothing to fear or gain from her praise or reproach 

it's just noise

I just have to be strong enough in my self knowledge. I do have many moments of self doubt and self reproach. 

I will not be extending any love to them beyond the call of duty 

India 2023

where and how do I start 

1. she does not have any disease 

2. she needs discipline to regulate her sleep and diet 

diet we are doing what we can. of course can do better but not too far off the mark.  more keerai and dates for sure. now gonna add kool maavu to the mix. and set a menu plan for 2 weeks to ensure all food goes in 

sleep. related to anxiety.  

we had a huge breakthru. akshaya opened up and talked to saro first then me about lots of things 

1. she feels she can't be herself 

2. she feels like hurting others and hurting herself. cutting herself 

3. she thinks ( knows) she is bisexual

4. her bedroom is her safe space and she feels anxious out of it

number 3. she seemed much relieved about having shared this with saro and me. and saro to his credit, just listened without judging. she sobbed after telling me, saying it mattered very much to her how I felt about it, more than saro. 

makes me reflect on this position of power we have over our children. constantly seeking affirmation and approval from us 

so number 3 ok. we are ok. just advised as with straight, wait. studies over. older more mature. no need to box yourself too early. but we are ok. Happy for her. 

what about numbers 1 2 and 4? 

maybe sharing 3 may reduce feelings for 1 and 2 a bit?

one can hope. 

must still be on alert. 

she wants to meet a psychiatrist and get medication for anxiety. 

I'm still not so sure

exercise food peace of mind

these are more long term ways of being 

bridgerton

season 2 ranks among my most fav shows ever

the simmering romance where less is more. tension. just lovely 

weight of responsibility 

loveable flawed characters 

goodbyes

we said bye to wiwit today 

our helper of 8.5 years

she is the only one my aishu has known really 

I'm  blessed to have had someone willing to stay with us that long and for us to feel for one another when she leaves

May God bless her abundantly. 

somehow her departure feels like a turning point in my life too

I think saro wants to join his best buddy in a committee again next year 

and I'm in a position having to decide between letting the loved one go like  butterfly 

and holding 

but guess that's not hardest to bear 

see he has work family one temple already. the last time he tried 2 temples the family nearly fell apart. akshaya felt majorly sick three times I was unhappy a lot aishu started worrying about divorce and whom to live with 

so if he wants to do this again . 

cannot keep adding. something will give. 

and guess if he chooses one more temple it means he is willing to give up family.give up me. 

and earlier today it seemed unbearable to have to do it alone again

but now less so

though I really don't want sex with him if so.he can do it himself or outside with anyone else I couldn't care less

something will give you know

and the wall that I put up last year and took down slowly will come up again, pricklier than ever. something has to give. 

.what will be hard is to be neutral about him to the kids. kids deserve a father. for that I'd have to really not care! .ah well

20 years is a good run. 

update . 

i literally fell sick.  headache vomiting 

but had a conversation with saro

turns out he had said no and was just managing his friends feelings about it

guess we both realised how traumatised i was about last year 

I came out and said things that I had just thought or penned. that our marriage was in danger last year. that I was quite unstable even. I had reached my limit. 

yesterday I felt it.. tailspin, spiral downwards out of control

such a visceral experience . now feel so settled and normal but then omg

and if I can fall.like this on a word, really not as stable as I think 

song poem

or when we are down

as we will be at times

and look for better days

"netru pol indru illai 

indru pol naalai illai" 

today is not like yesterday 

tomorrow will not be like today 

transience of time and the hope that can hold 

I have done well

if no one else will say it to me

it doesn't matter 

above all else to thine own self be true

and I say truly 

Meena you have done well

you coached your son for psle

sure some days you were hard on him, monstrous even scary

but on balance you were good to him

you encouraged him

set aside time to work with him 

even when you had your office work to see to ans akshaya to look after

you have done well meena

Good job 

you have done well meena

you looked after akshaya as best as you could 

listening to her 

finding alternate care when nec

not afraid to explore aspects

you have done well meena 

you wrote the 1st paper largely yourself 

the second paper entirely yourself 

came up with slides

met colleagues on concept for dialogue.

planted the seed for a new exciting idea ..you have done well 

sure you have miles to go before you sleep 

but 

all will be well. 

you will do well.

what triggered this post 

I said saro should give me a prize and he said he'd see after the results 

he was only half joking you know

I care more about the process he the product 

I'm the teacher he's the engineer 

figures 

anyway 

akshaya feels she may get some medal or something next year for going thru with exams despite everything 

I hope she does 

but even if she doesn't 

she's a champion already 

maybe we should get her something to encourage her 

sick

I'm sick of psle

it's day 3. 

1 more day and I wish it were over already 

why

coz I have to spend 2 hours with him 

but I also have to do a read back by 4.30

and see that stupid paper again possibly

and update tlg unit 3 with 21cc, unit plan 2 matching sls and notes on Adnan 

and I need to do up slides for lit il dialogue 

I'm living dangerously 

jailor

I am both her jailer and her harbour 

how can I expect her to be thankful or happy with me

when I just took her for acupuncture 

made her feel like a porcupine 

and then wanted her to drink a concoction 

she gritted her teeth

I don't think she knows

how I cry for her 

want her woes to go away 

how it tears at me to see her in pain

sullen teen

I'll take the sullen teen any day

one who grunts in monosyllables 

and rolls her eyes for exercise 

rather than the one 

sitting stiff against her bed

coz to move is to trigger 

excruciating pain

Bring on the grumpy know- all-teen 

who'd rather walk 10 feet

away from me in public 

not the one 

curled up in bed, facing the wall

silent tears pooling in her eyes 

biting back unnamable fears 

she is both 

but I'd give anything 

for her to be 

just the one. 

sun

the afternoon sun has warmed my bed and I revel in its heat

even after I've drawn rhe curtains,

like i'm lying on a lover's body 

safe, sated, happy

since I've been up since 4am

4pm seems an apt time to rest

sink my back into the folds of the bed

warmed by the sun

my eyes closing

almost by themselves 

grief

The display of grief is indecent 

I've been indecent too often 

like when my grandmother died, 

or my love bird flew away,

and my singer succumbed to covid.

Now my baby ails,

to a different tune each day 

some known mostly unknown, 

and I am indecent every night.

 

lousy parent

today I've been lousy

lousy with my kids 

lousy with my husband 

lousy with my work 

just low and lousy thru and thru

sick of my fears

I'm sick of my fears

always fearing the next pit fall

for what goes up must come down

and we can never be happy 

only cautious

dreading the next fall

what have I become 

hard 

pensive 

low

down 

I'm a mess 

helpless

Being a mother of child 

with unexplained illness, 

whose body hurts all the time,

means that when she winces in pain 

I stare stonily ahead a beat,

then discuss the weather 

for the alternative 

would be to bawl, 

uncontrollably 

and that would not be good

for either of us.  

anger stronger

 My anger can only make me stronger if I can channel it 

no more sitting around feeling helpless and stupid 

I am not every mom

I may not be the best, may not be doing all that is nec

but I am trying, and what more can anyone ask of me - what more can I ask of myself 

fucking system we have here - but maybe we can fix this and then be the change we need to be 

the problem of in silos medicine when the body is interconnected  - surely we see a problem here? 

from sorrow, helplessness I slipped to near depression before swinging to anger and then to action 

let's see 

first things first 

establish she's not faking it. she's not making it up, imagining it, willing it 

Next establish she has at least 3 concerns - UC, Giddiness, and something to do with nerves . 

Plan - Neuro here + GP 

Hospital in India 

cord wip

I thought they cut the cord 

when you popped out 

but apparently not

so here we are. 

15 years later

I'm only as free,

 as you are 

of pain 

for while you suffer 

I watch helpless 

shaken useless 

never happy

I am only happy when I know you are

and when you aren't

I can't be happy..

 it is not a choice for we are bound

and you play me like a kite

when you are down so am I

but when you fly

I am high 

I just want you to be

Happy,   healthy, safe 

so I can be free too

maybe 

subhas

We live in a system that has normalised us

To window shop women as ready-made maids

And to walk oblivious to a brown man stopped and ID checked

Because he poses some kind of a threat…

And to see overcrowded lorries of sleep deprived men riding in the back with the equipment

When birthdays and new years wishes are video calls

From parents to children they haven’t seen in years because

They have left their children to raise ours, to build our buildings

And fulfil our pleasures in this South East Asian Utopia

It’s 6 days a week, 12 hour a day shifts

For these men of gifts… it’s back breaking labour

Building our Marina Bays and Park Colonials and Straits Clans

We are the new-colonialists - they slave away in the heat

So you can enjoy your poolside spray tans

They have sweat equity on stolen sand

But this… this is an access-card only entrance

Little India is policed ad nauseam

We should have a whole museum in honour of the displaced kings and queens who have literally built this nation but to us… they are dispensable

One goes another comes

There will always be a hungry mouth or

Illusion of granduer and a better life that we will not fulfil

And just because they are happy does not make this ‘just’...

That’s why I’m feeling Survivor's guilt in a land they built

Wondering if spitting this truth in silk is saliva split

Because, who is gonna to stand up for Singapore

The first step to justice is recognising that we are all exploited, albeit to different levels

They are as Singaporean as we are because to live in Singapore means to be trapped in a system where we serve to create value for corporations and those in power

We are merely the more valuable cogs

So is this disparity geographical destiny?

Or calculated cycles of poverty?

Wealth is sequestered in a sliver that we will never see

We need a values shift in our society

Where influencers get paid more in loading fees

So I wonder what CNA ever wanted from me?

Is it a quick snapshot of poverty?

Because a single voice cannot end socio-economic inequality in my country

I’m just glad I managed to finesse us a fee

what the hell

she's not even 15

has uc. 

coping. 

cut out almost all foods. uber limited diet for a child who enjoys eating out. ok. 

then you add unexplained dizziness 

she copes, goes for tuition picks up courage determination to go back to school

you whack her with 2nd round of unexplained dizziness

all the while we thank you like fools. 

thanks for making her better 

hold out carrots like concert tickets while you pull her health and life and will out of her again and again 

now she is recovering again. taking steps taking charge.  you don't like it.  you want her down grovelling forever.  and us too. .

for now you hit her with unexplained nerve pains. 

just superb 

and I keep thanking you  

thank you for making her better. 

you take the thanks and twist the knife in deeper 

taking pleasure in her pain

not just that 

taking pleasure in pushing her down when she tries to come up

sadistic b you are. 

f u. 

even now.she is laughing at a sitcom 

go kill her 

no you won't 

go hurt her. she's laughing bet it's agonising for you to hear 

you sadist 

f u god

I've ranted at God before but not said this 

f u 

vines

the vines draped over the fence like a luxurious shawl

vines

the vines draped over the fence like a luxurious shawl

the confused poem

seeking a name

Half-baked, it had no need of a name.

Drifting in an amniotic sea of thoughts

it started off shadowy, bean-sized.

with just a cord of an idea to sustain it.

But now I feel it, 

pushing itself against me, 

the pressure increasing...

it may pop anytime.

And yet, even now I don't know 

what shape it may take, 

its personality

nor even if I will love it,

though it is mine.

Look, here it is, out, 

wailing in the light, 

demanding a name.  

If it were 14 lined, 

it could start with an 's'

but it's of unusual weight. 

There is rhyme, some of the time,

but then it's runs

on, insisting

it is more than it seems,

a metaphor for life. 

I'm still deciding.

fav word

my favourite word is day

coz it rhymes with 

say, gay, bay, and lay

may, pay, and ray

 

My poem can beam like a ray 

of moonshine in the bay

and end just like that, today. 

modern magic

we live in a world of modern magic 

where an idea is shared at the speed of thought 

how do I feel

maybe I cannot feel 

I've got news 2 more poems got rejected 

my daughter is at home dizzy and trying to sleep, not at school as planned 

the school seems edgy less helpful today 

but that's ok

obituary for psle math

look how you burn 

your ashes take math to the sky

should any ancestor meet you 

dont be mad they may the other way fly

when you lived you made me cry

today I bid you a final farewell 

with nary a tear in my eye

turning 45

I turn 45 tomorrow 

and I have no joy

only dread of what the morrow brings 

I have one sick child 

and if anything happens to her

I'll want to die

but won't be able to

coz I have 2 other kids 

such dark thoughts 

I don't like her hand on my knee when i drive 

isn't that awful

and for one awful second 

I asked myself why I had 2 more kids

then I wouldn't have to care about then I could just care about her

such lousy lousy thoughts 

I know I don't mean them

but I also want to note that I thought them for a stupid fleeting second 

what this is doing to me

I am fragile 

liable to crumble anytime 

and when u do 

what is left 

and i realise

I had better grasp every moment that comes .my way 

for I can high and happy as never before 

and come crashing down the next second 

like there's a spiteful vengeful god who is keeping watch .ready to pull the rug from me anytime I dare be happy to much too long 

teena growing up

and exploring her sexuality

I suspect she is toying with the idea of lesbianism

not sure how much if it will pan out

part of it is I think a general dislike of boys 

noisy boisterous 

then bullying too, esp of girls, as she reads 

with another girl it might feel much safer. 

so well, let's see! 

now she's into gay and lesbian literature! 

teenagers growing up to young women

14 going on 15 and a whole lot going on

let's talk about the normal stuff

though this should not be normal. 

akshaya happily dressed up and went to collect her homework from her friend at the busstop

for me this was progress

not asking anyone to come with her 

going on her own

excited

she came back later angry and nearly in tears

slammed my gate pass down and stormed 

I hate men

the construction workers were just staring at me and im just dressed like this- she meant just jeans and tee shirt 

I made the mistake of not taking her seriously enough at first

laughing it off

saying they were probably just tired and looking at her harmlessly. 

ashwin was nearby and I wanted to calm things down

but she was very upset

and I should have taken her more seriously 

inadvertently I had dismissed her real concerns 

quickly realising I went back to talk to her 

she had walked past these construction workers who watched her non stop from one end of the road to the other making her feel so uncomfortable 

so she walked back another way thru the blocks 

and there one or two guys whistled at her and catcalled her! she glared at him 

no wonder she was mad

and this was 5.30 pm by our house! 

I listened empathised shared stories of such incidents in my youth and how my friend showed me how to deal with it. 

ashwin was super curious.  so I told him. he turned visibly uncomfortable 

i told him too how every woman in her life would have been harassed like this. hr asked, even me? i said yes, even me and even aaya. but not every man has harassed a woman like appa has never. so he should never, of course he wouldn't but he shouldnt support or let his friends do such things either later on when he is older. 

isn't this truth horrible. sigh. 

relentless

relentless progress 

relentless growth 

another patch of forest levelled

for the inexhaustible appetite 

of this young nation 

approaching super aged status

with little care 

for those birds squirrels snails and lizards 

that called that patch home 

nor for the poet's heart 

that sought solace here 

I've been gone too long

I never got to bade farewell 

to the kingfishers and woodpeckers 

I do not see today 

they must have sensed change awhile back

I hope they have found a new home 

a lot on my mind

how do we stop it all from getting to us

the worries that keep us up all night

the fear that I may just lose it lose it

work projects 1 2

kids 1 2 3

others others 

I'm swirling in a sea of sadness

spiraling out of control 

such hyperbole

but when we feel extreme feelings 

we need extreme words 

I need to breathe 

in and out

take that walk 

not take myself so seriously 

be strong for others and for myself 

don't lash out at the easiest target

nor on myself 

but the tension it gets too tight 

high strung 

ready to snap

is my everyday look

not outside but in 

outside I'm cool kitten 

tired is all they say I seem 

but I'm cracking inside 

and it may well show 

for now I joke and kid and fool around 

as I should 

parenting

I have been putting it off for sometime 

and it gets worse and worse

I better write about it now

writing is reflective

and I have a lot on my mind

twice recently I've been told I'm tired 

I've bullied my son quite unnecessarily 2 times and 1 additional time 

I bullied my daughter too but she told me off the way only she can, bravely speaking truth to power 

I'm lacking sleep. every night I play Russian roulette moving between the rooms of my 3 kids. I wonder if I have utterly failed them sleepwise and they cannot fall asleep without someone by their side. 

so what's been happening 

1. Work. Big workshops. cdc papers. but, slowing down a bit down at least workshop wise 

2. dad was getting a heart operation. but that's finished successfully and he is recovering well. I miss them

3. ashwin  psle. he has got in dsa already so less high stakes.. maybe. stakes still high though because his self esteem and sense of worth are on the line. prelim over. not so great in math. need to work on it but no time. school gives him so much work he has barely time to do any extra but he needs to do extra in order to do to meet his expectations. tough. and this spills onto me. making me harsh with him. unhappy with him, with the system. I so often fall into traps of seeing exams as tests of self and not of just mere knowledge and application  in a timed setting. he spent hours on a ppt presentation for ss last night. Good thing I didn't give him too much grief. that was learning too just not tested knowledge and skills. 

4. ashwin get emotional. and I get irritated, esp at night and so evey night I end up yelling at him. and my yelling is bullying. he can't just stop being emotional. but I could take some steps to be less irritable. shall do deep breathing at night at 7pm thereabouts. and some stretching. maybe change to evening yoga.

5. akshaya. health. school. mental wellness. you know that story. just praying. 

6. aishu and her litany of excuses to get put of gym class is exhausting too. 

okay I need to bathe abs get ready. 

two things the kids told me that have made an impact 

1. ashwin: even if you thought it was your fault I was crying why would you yell at me like that? 

2. aishu: you dont believe us until we cry and then you scold us for crying. there's no way to win with you in a scolding. 

I have to be different. rest more breathe more so I can be a better parent. God please help me 

post covid meet ups

post covid meet ups

I'm seeing people in a room, 

my fraternity.

It's been a few years now. 

We are all 

a little rounder at the tummy 

hair a little thinner, greyer 

more crinkles when we smile 

but how we smile,  

with eyes too,

when we see each other,

Seems like we have grown older

together 

psychobitch review

what a play

amazing actress

amazing story line 

how did she do it. a Chinese playwright capturing the tamil Christian minority experience so well 

the racial profiling of rental market was horrible 

 too close to home

the abuse at the end quite quite awful to watch. she did it all solo

she was amazing. 

this is alongside Emily of emerald Hill a brilliant play to watch

sold out shows

standoff tickets 

all well worth it ok

and the father 

always waiting for the daughter to return

relentless in his 848 messages just to say I love you good morning come whenever

no expectations 

and mothers who left 

not coz the father was bad

and 

and 

always having to prove herself. to bosses ro parents and family to  boyfriend just urgh 

moving out to get some space 

then moving back 

paati 

such inflexions in voice and tone. absolute delight to watch 

she was

anya 

the bf

father 

grandmother 

property agent 

effortlessly effortlessly 

what a play. wish we can study it.

can we study it? in a collection  of 1 woman plays? Emily and psychobitch. but willbe asked to change name for sure haha. and we can't do that. think just leave it. 

brown gals lunch

I had a surreal racially grouped lunch yesterday haha. 

Indian girls all of us, from primary secondary and jc bonded over Indian food talking about rajini movies,  shared experiences of names being mangled and indignant over the lack of gulab jamun while lava cake abounded at the restaurant.  

it was like an ics meeting haha. and I loved it though it felt like we were on display at the window seat at entrance of gwc. and felt bad when 2 more Indian colleagues walked past, like we had an in group and we had forgotten a few

interesting indeed 

psychobitch review

what a play

amazing actress

amazing story line 

how did she do it. a Chinese playwright capturing the tamil Christian minority experience so well 

the racial profiling of rental market was horrible 

 too close to home

the abuse at the end quite quite awful to watch. she did it all solo

she was amazing. 

this is alongside Emily of emerald Hill a brilliant play to watch

sold out shows

standoff tickets 

all well worth it ok

and the father 

always waiting for the daughter to return

relentless in his 848 messages just to say I love you good morning come whenever

no expectations 

and mothers who left 

not coz the father was bad

and 

and 

always having to prove herself. to bosses ro parents and family to  boyfriend just urgh 

moving out to get some space 

then moving back 

paati 

such inflexions in voice and tone. absolute delight to watch 

she was

anya 

the bf

father 

grandmother 

property agent 

effortlessly effortlessly 

what a play. wish we can study it.

can we study it? in a collection  of 1 woman plays? Emily and psychobitch. but willbe asked to change name for sure haha. and we can't do that. think just leave it. 

tired mothering

some days I'm just a tired mother 

feeling smothered 

by all that I do

and feel petty that I feel the way I do

unchartered waters

dizzy dizzy dizzy 

that's what my baby's been feeling 

and we are in a tizzy

trying to help her out of this

we tried doctors

neurologists 

ent specialists 

we did tests and procedures 

inner ear middle ear tests

blood transfusion

we tried alternative medicines 

ayurveda

homeopathy 

we tried prayer

temples with red strings and water 

churches with blessings  

we tried counselling 

beach walks

movies shopping 

she was still dizzy dizzy dizzy 

5 months on as of August 

she has only been to school 11 weeks 

out of 28 weeks of school so far 

yesterday we tried a Bhuddist Master 

who told us of our 7 souls

and 1 of hers who had gone away

another had attracted that aspect of her

and it (she?).had left 

possibly at genting? 

maybe, who knows 

point is

one had gone 

so we called her back

and he sealed her in

gave her an amulet 

and a charm, a prayer to seal the self 

maybe she had lost a part of her mind...

mind soul heart 

how different are these anyway 

and now we have her back

and it doesn't matter does it ? 

what is real and what is not

only what works 

so if she can hold on to her soul 

seal herself in and meditate 

she can take hold of herself 

be in charge 

steady her heart mind body and soul

not be at the mercy of the winds 

and so we pray 

this dizziness will end 

will end.

walk in water

She aspires

to walk in water

without creating ripples,

to speak

without wrinkling the air,

to blend in with the walls,

take up as little space as she can,

unaware that this hurtling world 

needs her quiet ways, 

that she has the right 

to exist.

 

walk in water

She aspires

to walk in water

without creating ripples,

to speak

without wrinkling the air,

to blend in with the walls,

take up as little space as she can,

unaware that this hurtling world 

needs her quiet ways, 

that she has the right 

to exist.

 

hospital waits

my darling father is going for an open heart surgery soon. we are waiting for the doctor to call 

it went well praise God

now we pray for a smooth recovery 

what a Friday

7 7 23 

my grandfather would have been 108

felt he was with me 

I got my book delivered to me today.  title was " Anything is possible"

so apt. a sign from God, my grandfather. 

it's 230 am now. finally turning  in. 

had a whirlwind of a day  

you see taylor swift is coming to town 

really feels like bama vijayam the movie 

we had been hopeful on wed but were disappointed

still I had thanked God for getting akshaya the ticket.. prayed and thanked

also knowing if we didn't it was best for us

and... by a most unexpected series of close shaves and last min decisions... we got the tickets! all gods doing. he has a special place for my baby and with just the 2 more tics for young ladies he is guiding her towards 

thank you God. 

woke up now and still thinking about it...its like he's moving us with unseen hands towards the best possible end for akshaya. the location of the seats, nature of them, the company, the day! 

haha like, we were going to go for Category 5, Thursday! like least popular so best chance. but he's like no way Jose, not for his akshaya - vip seats on a Friday night 

 

Thank you God! 

.

the special things that happened 

1. akshaya wanted to go to the concert with yazhini.  and hasini. but later hasini said she is planning to go with her own friends.

2. yazhini wanted to go with another close friend too, whom akshaya didn't quote know. but agreed. 

3. both girls parents from India and concerned worried about letting girls go for this concert. I spoke to both of them set up WhatsApp group. kind of got everyone on board for this ticket purchase thing for the three of them. planned to get tics for 200 dollars or less. planned for Mon or Thurs as having better chances. 

4. all registered for codes none got

5. pre sale for uob came.  got random q numbers at 12pm. yazhini's mum's number actually got called. she chose seats. at point of some garbled codez got stuck then kicked out! 

6. actual sale day came. all went on and got q number at 12 even if no code. saro on 3 devices me on one the girls parents on devices too. close to 5pm saro's no got called

7. 10 min to close the deal. we tried random numbers as code. didn't even know what code looked like. saro called out ask anyone if they have a code! yazhini's friend did! from her mum's friend! 

8. so excited the girls couldn't get the numbers put. akshaya calmed them down. wrote code. all choice seats taken up on all days. only cat 2 700 dollar tics left! other mums not responding to my texts. made the decision. just get it.  3 tix for Friday night cat . all went thru! and we had tics!! 

kids in bed

the kids are in bed 

After I have played with them

Read to one 

and then the other 

soothed fears

bolstered them with love 

and now I curl up to sleep myself

reflections on rejections

 Id be lying to say I wasn't affected 

I believe I have been rejected three times recently, and that too my three most recent submissions to ariel chart, pra&a and Chen Chen's workshop. 

I have numerous reflections on these. 

1. I need to take reflections in stride. After all, even JK Rowling got rejected several times 

2. Perhaps my rejection from Chen Chen in particular is a good thing - I'm supposed to be present to support my son in his work, which I can't if I'm in class for 4 weeks in july I guess. 

3. Maybe I should be using the time to really get cracking on the manuscript. You know, print everything revise everything, lay it out select. I already have 80, think I may have another 40! must get them out and them select. and believe in myself that surely I will have 40 at least from this 100 over poems that are good enough for publication? 

4. I may ask Esther Vincent to help me vet my work for me, for a fee. 

5. I'm scared. 

6. for chen chen again, I should have sent my best rather than follow the word limit so closely. Really think if I had sent just two, the elephant and the what I want to be, I would have been selected. sigh. 

7. okay. time to move it. 

Thank you God! 

dedication and acknowledgement

For my team

to whom all that i write

is dedicated to...

Appa

    Aatha

      Akshaya

          Ashwin 

           Aishwarya 

             Saravanan

               Meena Aunty

                 Pillayar

Acknowledgements

this my first collection of poetry to my first supporters and critics, my family, 

who have endured hearing and reading draft after draft of some poems! 

special shout out to my mum who knew I'd be a poet before I did, when she saved my writings from age 8! 

Also to my writing class buddies Shilpa, Priyanka, Michelle, Vaishnavi, Nuhzat and Patricia, 

and my wonderful teachers along the way, in particular Chris Mooney Singh who got me believing I could write and encouraged me to send my words out to various journals

other teachers who helped me hone my craft include Mary Jean Chan 

and I cannot forget the spwm community, a number of poems in the collection were first written to prompts given there and the community is so encouraging that it allowed me test out first reactions to many poems there. 

and as close to my family are my friends from my youth, my steadfast group of 8

Malar, Sutha, Subair, Siamala, Kannan, Yasmin, Jeroen and Siva 

Special thanks to my editors ... 

Thank you for believing in me and journeying with me! 

writing and revising poetry makes me feel calm and out of this world for awhile, like I'm suspended and floating somehow 

v6

When I see a waterfall I know 

the river goddess is back floating

letting her tresses tumble

down the cliff 

in cascading waves

or maybe 

a fairy is drying her blanket

finest gossamer, 

shifting in the wind,

shimmering in the light.

What if

I just saw a rush of water, white,

plunging down the precipice,

catching a rainbow on its way,

againat green so rich- 

surely, I see Heaven?

v5

When I see a waterfall I know 

there is an angel,

backfloating on the river above,

her tresses tumbling 

down the cliff in cascading waves

or maybe 

a fairy's blanket is laid out to dry

finest gossamer, 

shifting in the wind,

shimmering in the light.

What if

I just saw a rush of water, white,

plunging down the precipice,

catching a rainbow on its way,

againat green so rich- 

surely, I see Heaven?

v4

When I see a waterfall I know 

there is an angel,

backfloating on the river above,

her tresses tumbling 

down the cliff in cascading curls,

or maybe 

a fairy's blanket is laid out to dry

finest gossamer, 

shifting in the wind,

shimmering in the light.

What if

I just saw a rush of water, white,

plunging down the precipice,

catching a rainbow on its way,

againat green so rich- 

surely, I see Heaven.

v2

When I see a waterfall I know

there is an angel,

backfloating on the river above,

her tresses cascading 

down the cliff in tumbling curls,

or maybe 

a fairy's blanket is laid out to dry

finest gossamer,

shifting in the wind,

shimmering in the light.

What if

I just saw a waterfall? 

Rush of water 

plunging down the precipice

surrounded by green so rich- 

surely, I see Heaven.