Arabian nights

What classic is this? 
About wanton women left right centre. Sleeping with black slaves. Always black. Always slaves. Suggests things bestial in nature. Such a male oriented story. Ramayana is far better. 

Male fantasies male fears

The story about beating a woman into submission and then she kisses the hand that beats her and stays obedient.

Puke worthy I tell you.

Christian wedding vows also speak of the woman's obedience to the man her lord and master. 

Who decreed man  should be master of woman????????????????????

Having said this today my darling daughter akshaya gave me the best posible answer to a question on my mind. Why did rama desert sita based on a rumour?
She said.  As rama he was human not god.
Just like that. I'm far more at rest with this answer than any other response from anyone else.

Thoughts of a working mum at 1 am

This sounds like I'm thinking about juggling work and family.

Not quite.
Today as I walked to get myself a rushed lunch I felt a million things walking with me.

Work on my mind but I am reluctant to start up the laptop to type.

My essay on frank o hara is on my mind too. I want to do that. 500 word essay. I've actually been waiting a year to do it. I should do it right?
Just lazy to start up the laptop.
Scared work will take over to be honest.
But not  if i don't let it.

I started writing about the love artist yesterday too  gathering my thoughts on what the book was trying to say about ovids lost work.

My friend has offered to look at akshaya 's story!

Hai. See even now so many things on my mind

I want to go visit iyyah. 

I want to take the kids for a writers festival thing on Sunday afternoon .

I need to call the light guy tell him about fan too ask when he's coming.

I need to call Jimmy bug him for carpenters schedule. 

I need to call my parents check when they are arriving.

I need to call sham ask her about her trip and ask her for contacts for the maid

I need to find a new helper.

Okay really helps to write it all down.

I have a story too about the people I meet on bus 43 and their lives I peep into every morning at 7.45 am

The Indian lady reading a tamil novel every morning
What a rarity for me you know
Everyone staring at phones. Me included. And this lady reading tamil books on the bus everyday

The sweet mixed couple who drop off their baby at the bus stop with her mum before going to work. Head resting o  his shoulder. Looking like a dating couple  only for me to find a baby between them!

The father and his son every morning he carrying his backpack holding his hand talking to him as they climb the overhead bridge everyday.  Heading to childcare.

The mum with her toddler in uniform asleep over her shoulders.  Hefting her bag his bag and him and getting off the bus to board another bus all at 7.45 am

The father and his daughter.  She so sweet. Her mum at home with a new baby. Used to see the pregnant mum going to work with toddler ready to drop off at child care.

So many intersecting lives. So many to do with kids. What do they see in me? They don't see that I walk my daughter to school every morning that I walk back to a side gate to say bye again to her and that I walk back to bus stop saying g my morning prayers.
They see me boarding the bus hauling two or more bags fumbling with phone.  Some days working on the laptop on my way to work.

That's the bus I cried about lky on. Tears streaming down.

Lightening

I dunno how it happened but suddenly I feel things can look up
I have a happy option.
Not sure how it will play out!

But lots of hurt within that we need to talk about too. At least he shared that he's feeling clouded. A need to sort out things within. Mutual confusion could be the start to good things.

sick of love songs

listening to all these love songs makes me feel like I've been led on a bloody goose chase all my life - ridiculous songs. meaningless. okay meaningful only for a short burst. after that, nothing'

plus still reeling from the fact that another ideal I had about growing old together may be coming undone
my parents, sham's parents. sham and kannan. and us.
just adults growing old side by side doing our own things. not doing things together. 

worth

Listening to the song Ganapathyae..
kavalaigalai theerkum ...

are my kavalaigal worth theerkaraning? small as I am, I am important to God. he brought us together for a reason. and he loves me. he will protect me, strengthen me, protect me when I am hurting inside, when tears spill from my eyes, when my throat constricts and lips purse up to control my emotions

even my mother noticed that my bubbliness is not there. I love her. she knows me so well.
push comes to shove my mum will support me.

why would he want to care for me. that's what I can't figure. I can't see myself value adding to his life in any way.
I'm wasting my life feeling sorry for myself.
I need to look within for strength and belief not without

I need to believe I am contributing in some ways that I have worth
if  not to him at least to my parents, my children
my friends, my colleagues, my work

should I tell him that I am not feeling valued at all 

Heavy

The heart is heavy but a little less so after talking with sham and sutha

looks like we need to talk. Talk we will.
He's quite perceptive noted I'm more upset after the email than before.

Let's see.

Wrote to him pointing out his taking me and my parents for granted.

2 years ago had an emotional scene with him. Told him I missed him.

He just doesn't see things the way I do and I am mighty tired of being the hand that bothers to clap

Two hands needed to clap. Other sie it's just air. Lots of air from me recently. 

Only thing. If I decide to let go I can't be cheery. That sucks. 

I want us both to be happy cheerful to call each other during the day make effort to connect.
It's so easy to lose connection

It's okay we do other things but stay connected. 

My own war

I'm waging my own war with saro now. I'm freezing him out.
Trying to avoid him. I basically don't want to see him and don't want him to see me until Saturday. 
I want him to not see the kids much either. I want him to.come home everyday to see the kids sleeping.
I'm devious.

He needs to know what it's costing him - his careless commitments. Price he pays is lack of time with us. And if this doesn't cost him that's fine too. That's the difference. For me. I'm okay now of it doesn't matter to him. At least I'm psyching myself to grow to be OK. 

I may just hurt myself most . I need to be careful.
Only problem. I'm fragile. If I feel he is mad at me I will crumble.

He tried calling but I didn't answer
I was in a meeting ..no message from him

He emailed yesterday.
I didn't reply. 

He hugged me. I put his hand away.
Second time I left it. He melted away at some point and I just felt relief.  I felt so glad ashwin was asking me to tell him ramayana. 

Why am.i freezing him out when he's making these attempts to reach out?
In a way I'm just being true to how I feel. I don't feel like responding to him
I'm battling ways of dealing with him and his absences.

I could make light of his absence or make it a big deal.
I don't know what to do.  He could freeze me out. I will accept it. I'd have to. And the marriage ...will crumble.
Sigh.

I'm at  a loss. For now I'm not going to go out of my way to freeze him or welcome him. Just go with flow.

Yesterday i was solicitous. Just that his bloody schedule threw me off. 
Can I vent here?
He's out thurs fri sat sun mon tue wed Fri mon wed
And I bet he'll be out sat and sun too.

And there I was afraid he-ll drop everything coz of me@ ! My usual arrogance! 

Maybe it's that mismatch in my feara and reality that's hurting me and making me cold

Khatam khatam

That's what I thought of yesterday as I hugged my pillayar elephant and he tried too late to hug me

Ghatam Ghatam.
Thanks to rajini in baba.

First day of rest of my life

I have decided to let go
That's big
It's the first time I'm deciding I'm not going to work at the relationship
That I'm not going to bug him for date nights to stay connected

I'm entering a new phase. One that will allow me to let go
It's what I wrote yesterday
I'm in a child rearing partnership
Not a marriage
In this partnership then there are no couple obligations
Only child rearing ones

That will free me from the burden of having to set up dates and fret when there are none.

It won't be easy but it's a start.
I must remember this date so when I look back I don't say I don't know how it happened or when
Navarathiri day 1. Oct 13. 2015.

I'm also mentally preparing myself for us to go on different paths as we grow older.
It's not growing old together as I once hoped for
Its growing side by side
Parralel play sort of

Let's see.

Had fun with aishu

At last 15 min pure play time with baby aishu.   Blessed indeed

Journaling

3 things I'm grateful for today

1. Aye nan! Coz she's making dinner for us.

2. Talked to subair and yas!  For a good 20 min and I distinctly felt yas was happy talking to me.

3. That my sharing at work seemed generally to make sense and flowed with things that came before

Supposed to journal about things I'm grateful for. Supposed to make me feel better.  Now  just listing seeing if I did the 5 things I was to do everyday to be a happier person

1. List three new things  grateful for
2. Journal
3. Random act of kindness  -well I appreciated dawn out of the blue
4. Exercise
5. Meditate

Woo hoo day 1 I did it.! Numbers 4 and 5 likely to be more difficult for me than the rest but if I make am effort I surely can.

Depression

Recognising is the first step
I did some of the things recommended
Tried calling subair
Went for 15 min yoga on my own even when I missed the class coz of long meetings
Right now I recognise I'm afraid
I want to pin down  what I'm afraid of
I'm afraid saro will just drop all that he wants to do coz of me
Then I'm scared he'll be resentful of me
I'm scared I'll be the reason for him to go into depression

Are these selfish fears? Am I afraid of being the cause of bad things

Plus of course I don't want him moping around at home feeling pegged in by me.

I think... I need to talk to sham

I'm scared of things I can't control
Scared of losing control
Want to be a better person

I'm fighting lots of battles
Top of the list being my own expectations ... of myself of him

I need that serenity prayer  I gave sutha.  Lord grant me the courage to change the things I can , the serenity to accept the things I can't,  and wisdom to know the difference.

I don't know if I should have burdened him with all that yesterday
Who says my feelings and emotions are so important that I can wreck his peace of mind?

Classic selfishness.

In a generation of me-ness and my-ness.  He is more of their-ness.  My ideal in many ways only mine stay as empty ideals and his actualize

I honestly do have a lot to thank god for in him. He doesn't have very much to thank in me. I nag scold

But I am letting self pity interfere with the thinking through here. Gotta stop.

Plus... if all goes well I only need to put up with two more years of this. Then I uproot him and stick him in the states.
Matter of time I guess before he finds ways to serve there too. Service is god. I'm the  selfish one.

Artificiality of human relationships

I think it's unnatural and that's why it's so difficult.
How can two different people hope to come together to live together for 40 plus years?
That's a long time.
The lions have a model that is more akin to what's natural. 
Male lion impregnated female and moves off.
Female lions care for young for a while till they can take care of themselves and then move off.

We. Get married. Bring up young together for 20 over years. 25 years for each kid on average and even more after that.

People get bored. And need new interests.
How to stay together?

So I must actively seek out other forms of engagement. I cannot be so dependent on husband and kids for meaning in my life. 
All are temporary. 
After 12 years of marriage he and I just partners in child rearing  now.
And that's fine.
We are not extensions of each other.
And kids are here temporarily. 
They will move on.
We have a responsibility to support them nurture them but we should not expect anything from then
Dharma duty - these matter more than anything else.

How do I not care

Saro had to go to the temple on wed and Thurs and sat and sun and today. Today he's also got to go for a condo management thing.

I don't know what to feel. Last time I kept track I realised he was home more often than not it was mostly during certain phases and weeks.

I guess this is such a time too.
We don't factor much for him unfortunately. 
Is that true?
More like he's trying to be present for us and his activities in ways he knows best.

I don't want to be a nag.
I can't hide my disappointment though.
I think I have to take it as a given that he will not be around most weekdays and just celebrate when he is.

Be like a child
Have no expectations

Even in my dream I was sad he was away evenings of the holiday in my dreams
How to be strong
.he did offer quite eagerly to pick me up just now
Focus on the positive
He won't even notice if I'm cold to him
How can he when he pops in just at night to take aishu to bed
.he puts aishu to bed and makes her milk
He buys groceries

Focus on what's being done
Sweep away your expectations
When the kids grow you go on holidays
Pick up hobbies
Reading painting drawing dancing classes writing studying
Visiting friends around the world

I'm okay. 

Ot

Working ot has become the norm now
My new lit colleagues are working round the clock as are older colleagues.
I must highlight this. Share good things about our officers
I must also point out the positive things about our bosses.

Happy

I leave work
Heavy
Fighting battles in belief
Purpose of my work
Questioning the sincerity of the bosses
The schizophrenic turns
The hypocrisy too
The challenges hurled my way
For I ... I have to justify
the subjects very existence

And I felt weary

Then I get a call
A teacher . Young
Happy to know I've noticed his good work .eager to share his success
Feeling validated that I've taken notice

And my heart lifts
my lips turn in a smile

I think of my children the cute things they say the deep things they feel
And I smile despite it all

And then I see a lizard
Balanced on a wire and I feel wonder and awe

And I know
I was born to be happy
That I just need to look within and around
And I can feel the joy
And I can leave behind the hypocrisy
And revel in the trueness of the love and good around me

Appreciating my mum

Reading a poem brought back memories long buried.
In the light of those memories I really appreciate my mum. She put up with so much and decided to go all zen like and forgive things not let things get to her... for the sake of her children. I appreciate how difficult that must have been and how blessed I am to have a mum who can put us before herself and her needs so thoroughly. She's also taught me how we need to be patient and forgiving for the good of the family and even ourselves in the long run. My parents are still together and happy because of the sacrifices she made.

Appa

Appa 's got a job! He went for an interview and has been hired as a full time staff! At his age. Very very proud of him.

He got himself trained in something super difficult. Expensive too and time consuming.  But he did it and  ow he's been hired on that basis. Brilliant right. 

So much to learn from my parents .