humility

how do we live with someone 

knowing we are not the centre

no longer the centre or never the centre

the pride takes a hit

the walls come rushing up 

and then it takes work.to chisel it bit by bit down

what is poetry

poetry is sculpture on a page

chiselling space with words

speaking thru the silences 

pillsrs

this marriage has two pillars

one tends to walk away

every now and then

to hold up the world larger than this small abode

so the other moves to the centre

to hold it

small though it is

it needs a pillar

but it was meant tonto stand on 2

and when it stands on one

the weight crushes it just a bit

it crumbles in parts

plaster falling off

exposing ugly beams 

the paint peels off

then the other comes back and it shifts a little to the left

but then it walked again 

and it shifted centr again

more plaster crumbling 

and then

and then

it starts to think

it doesn't need the other pillar

it can hold it up

crumbling though it is

but it's bitter now

not ao pretty and smooth 

and the house gets mad

unstable unsteady 

missing the missing pillar

mad at the onlynaviale pillar 

blaming it foe pushing the other away 

from then

and them pillar has no way to win 

just stands there holding it up

crumbling inside now

who is this

I look in the mirror 

and don't recognise her

this lady with deep dark circles

around sunken eyes

her lips a hard line 

it is not age

that has turned her so

it is bitterness 

anger

self pity 

and I don't like her much

this lady

whose sharp tongue 

slashes the air in between

drawing blood

she draws fearful glances from her children 

her parents 

for a second I see her thru their eyes

a lady slightly unhinged 

snapping at things 

always barking ordering scowling and scolding.

at work she is the epitome of kindness, patience, open understanding 

at home she is all business

keeping the ship going 

ashwin

since yesterday 

I've been getting the idea that ashwin demonstrates some traits of people on the autism spectrum. 

super high functioning 

so mild perhaps

.just his.way of sometimes taking things very literally 

and counting minutes and hours precisely 

and knowing a mountain of facts 

and getting very emotional when things don't go exactly well

and also his immense creativity of course 

I must help him

support him 

manage things with him

love songs on the radio

do strange things to me

sometimes

I turn it off, switch channels

other times I let it linger in the air

I remember moments between us 

like far off memories 

faded but sweet

and I recall

how it used to be

how I'd love you more each passing day 

and how I'd look forward to growing old with you

now I don't know

this year has taken its toll

and it remains to be seen

what time will do

it helps a great deal 

to see you as a house guest

puts things in perspective 

manages expectations 

love

what is this thing actually 

even with children 

it's unconditional 

ha

meaning cannot expect to be loved back

a one way street

with every act an event to be greeted with surprise

okay. 

that is okay. 

he called me meena today on WhatsApp

felt so strange

he never calls me by name

ah well 

guess becoming a stranger is a two way street 

that's ok

reflections

Firstly I had an awesome time facilitating a dialogue with Lois lowry 

She is amazing. 

So humble so talented. 

genius. 

and kind and wise. 

my fav qn to her and her answer was 

even for children's books you write about serious issues like death, divorce, illness, 

Why do you feel it is important to write about such weighty issues even for children 

her answer 

lit is often a prep for life

some sad things going to happen later on in life. e.g. death of a dog. some loss. 

they would have experienced a safe way of experiencing it in their books that they can call on later when thr pain hits. 

and about why humour in sad books. to take the dogs another way

and I talked about safe landings in her books for children that are so reassuring. 

and so many people told me I did well which made me really happy. 

.and I scribbled the questions like in min before session started on the back of the script they sent me! 

so my prep is

Read a lot. internalise the books. keep thinking about it. have qn in mind. then 5 min prep of actually writing qn down and ticking them off! love it haha. so it sounds genuine. not rehearsed. Live in the moment and pick it up and respond to qn and comments naturally with curiosity.  . 

then spoke to a whole bunch of people 

2 from American embassy

1 lovely fellow nerd

Janet 

Ex dd of cpo

wai kit and fiance

Amanda chong

then I spoke to the moderator of the jeannette winterson session

she was happy I liked her suave style

then she introduced me to her wife

i don't know why I feel this is so momentous. 

the moderator was Indian a bit short and dressed androgynouslt

her wife was a white lady, talk and beautiful curly hair

she introduced her wife to me

and at that Time

I wanted ny gat friends to have that freedom too

to he able to introduce their loved one as wifes instead of partners. 

I'm not sure why 

it represented hope I guess in some ways 

witty, smart in committed relationships how can they be denied recognition 

by a close minded majority 

dawn