Nightmares

I woke up coz I was having an awful nightmare about a dystopian world with no end in sight.
It was too much.  Too brutal violent uncivilised.  Glimpses of human kindness and solidarity amidst a majority world view of ugliness

I wake up and look at my phone and it's like my nightmare can't end.  I read about trump putting out Muslim bans. About people feeling it's okay to be openly racist.  To believe one race or religion is superior to another.  All fools. What I see is.. today it's them
Tomorrow it could be us. How would it feel if it were like that?

Blacks were discriminated against for centuries. Now Muslims. My best friend is Muslim.  My helper is Muslim.  How does he feel that he may not be able to travel to the us?  That they will question him just because of his religion???

Blacks. Then Jews.  Now Muslims
Asians at one point.
When will it be Indians? 
Whites?
This world is spiraling towards its downfall. But. When Pandora box opened a butterfly of hope flew out too. Human nature has prevailed. We are both good and bad. We have insane cruelty and immeasurable genoristy residing within us. And each battles the other all through time.
Now as trump proceeds on his madness. .. others step up and step in. Maybe the world will unite against such blatant bigotry. Canada leads the way.
But.
My news feeds are biased.  I only hear what like minded people think. And we are not in the majority.  So that scares me..in this news filled world why am I not getting the news from the other side? Why am I blinded like this?  You see maybe he too is only hearing his circle and can't hear the rest.  Two safe bubbles bouncing against each other. Unable to hear the other.
That's why I get nightmares. They aren't night mares. They are reality unfolding and the imagination curling up in defence. Fears. I've not known a time like this. Only read about stuff like this.
I also feel we are all just one . And we are each responsible in small ways and large for what happens. So I feel maybe in some small way I am responsible for trump being president.  For the Syrian war. For everything. That is maybe me speaking for human race as one. Collective guilt..collective responsibility.

I read the news and ...

My eyes tear. My breath comes in short.  I feel we are free wheeling into an abyss of political disorder.
Trump.
He's
1. Stopped funding for family planning pacts over seas
2. Pulled out of the tpp.  Given China Lee way to bully Asia
3. Banned Syrian refugees
4. Banned migrants from a range of Muslim countries.

20 Jan tomorrow.. world is waiting

Tomorrow. The Obamas step down and the trumps ascend the seat of highest power.
All over the world there is a feeling of dread... except perhaps in those states that voted for him

You feel the palpable fear and anxiety in the interviews with the Obamas the sentiments on the ground the people saying they will protest.

Tomorrow the man with the orange hair. The one who boasted about grabbing women by the pussy.  The one who says he'd date his daughter. He takes the seat. The people gave him that power. And we are waiting to see what that means.

Maybe nothing bad will cone out of it.
Maybe he'll be the best president ever. The one the world needed but never knew we needed.

Meanwhile. .. in the farewells... there is a note of caution.  About what America stands for. About welcoming foreigners. 

Anti foreigner sentiment has toppled UK and the us. What will it do to the rest of us?

Time will tell.

Tomorrow is Jan 20 2017. The 45th president donald trump takes office . And the world watches. 

Reading is elite

And so I come to realise. The person with a book in a cafe or a train is marvelled at... for seriously ... who even dies that anymore?  All eyes glued on devices watching movies on scrolling and speed reading headlines and snippets toggling between multiple scenes. .. who actually sits and reads a book!!!

I'm part of an elite group.

Casual racism

My boss, trying to make me feel better, told me the other day I'm of the best Indian mothers he's seen.

I shrugged and asked him what does that even mean?  Most of the Indian mons I know are stay at home moms

But the comment has rankled me. What does he even know of "Indian Moms" to be able to make a comment like that? As though it's even possible to categories and generalise a whole race of people like that! 

Then I heard Michelle Obama speak yesterday.  Of how she shrugs off such comments because it reveals more of the person making such comments than me or the people the comment is made about.

Sigh

I appreciate his good intentions in wanting to affirm me. But not like that.

Ups and downs

This morning I was feeling pretty cool about how I managed to do so many things this weekend. I was a bit big headed to be honest. And to counter that right  now I feel like I'm doing my best on all fronts and I just do enough.  Sigh. 

Let me feel good abut the weekend here before I forget. 

Sat morning 4 am. Woke up to work on the paper on school visits.

6 am onwards. Pongal prep. Some art work with ashwin in the middle. Cutting chopping buying dressing the kids. Then the prayers and lunch.

2pm onwards I started trying to rest most unsuccessfully.
3 to 4 pm went down to zoo moo room did English stuff with ashwin.  Some work.

Then slept like  a pig from 5 to I while rest of family went to a park.

Gave daughter dinner and put kids to bed.
Up again at 11 till 3.45 working on bloody paper.
Slept and woke up at 7.30. Set off for a walk at macritchie reservoir with kids and in laws.  2 hour  plus walk.
The  found engine died.
Walked in blazing sun to the bus stop. Got a bus home. Upper deck fun with kids. 
Then back to get car back.
Then lunch.
Then homework with akshaya
Then baked a cake with ashwin
Then surprise party for father in law.
In bed by 10
Up again at 3. Work on bloody paper till 6.30
Then work.

Sigh. Pretty cool right.
Finally submitted the paper. Now must correct the paper. And work on the crc prep.  It's all too much! And akshaya calls to ask why I'm not home yet.
.worked so hard to be with kids. And still I can't make them happy.  Son wanted me to take leave daughter wants me hi e early. Baby is down with fever may e over tired from yesterday. Mum makes me feel guilty about the long walk

Worked so hard on the paper and boss just wants to put it down . Telling myself not to get defensive.  Sigh
.bussing home now.

Okay update . I just met seetha aunty and girija aunty.  They are sad and maybe feeling like they didn't do enough for their sons.  They are not married see. And it strikes me. Gosh! The mommy guilt may never go away! I feel guilty now for not spending  time with kids for them falling sick. It's never going to end . Or it could if I stop it! I keep thinking I can fix this. This can be fixed but through my attitude not in trying forever to get an elusive goal.  I will never be able to satisfy my kids. And that should not be my goal. I should do stuff I feel is right. So I want to be there for the kids for my sake and I shall. I shan't beat musket up for coming home late on a few days and all. Yay

Father in law's 70th birthday

It was cool! A surprise party for him. All his children and grandchildren . A home baked cake that my mother in law heartily approved of coz she saw it being made - freshly squeezed orange juice. Brown sugar . Eggless. .and neat decoration if I may say so myself! 

And the morning was great too. A long walk in Mcritchie reservoir with the three grandkids and me.

And the day before was good too.  Pongal celebrations in the morning . Walk in th evening with son and grandkids. 

Sita 's banishment today

Okay you know I can't understand the banishment of sita on account of a single common man's words

A woman's chastity is the subject of the whole nations discussion and debate. It's just awful. I mean... why should people even talk abut how "pure" sita is??? It's demeaning.

But

I realised today it was still happening.
Like there's this sweet actress. Udaya Soundari. She was doing well on media Corp.  Then there was a a scandal . A sex tape was released online with allegations that it was her in the videos. She denied it outright.
No verdict passed.  But she's been ostracised fro media ever since!  The mere hint of a woman crossing moral lines of the time and she is banished.  Judgement passed. No proof needed. The rumour is enough.  So sad. So incredibly unfair and sad. And so I grow to appreciate the ramayana more every day.  I don't agree with what happened. I pass my own judgement that what happened was wrong. But I get it more today. 

So the show made a big deal about people questioning rama s actions.
That was good. 
But it missed a point. That awful dobhi asks people '"would you accept your wife after she spends the night in another man's house?" And no one can answer him. They all look down. That's apparently an answer.

They should have had someone else ask him back.  Bit what if your wife was kidnapped.  Would you not get her back? And protect her and apologise to her! If your son or daughter or mother were kidnapped would you not want to get them back?  There is a huge difference between walking out on your own and being taken against your will.

Secondly I think rama was only thinking of himself . In that. He saw sita as just a reflection of himself. And he wanted her to stay for his sake so he saw it as a huge sacrifice to give her up.  All in relation to him. He forgot totally about her as a person on her own right.  That he should not have blamed or hurt an innocent woman.

And he forgot about the poor Dhobi s wife! He in effect punished her for not telling her husband where she was going.  She went to care for her ailing mother and he threw her out. Well he doesn't deserve her the idiot but that should be her choice to make not the court's. 

Ah well.

2016 in review

So what happened in 2016? Let me write it down before I forget. 2017 already looms large.

1. UK exited EU. Heartbreak across UK.  Huge sense of disenchantment too within the UK. 

2. Trump won the elections.

3. Modi made the 500 and 1000 rupee notes disappear overnight.

4. A gorilla was shot down

5. Thaipusam they allowed music at last

6. Joseph schooling won the gold medal beating Michael Phelps

7. Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt set fabulous records in swimming and running.  Triple triple for Usain.  Gold medallion of the Olympics ever Phelps

8. Saro turned 40 and we threw him a surprise yatch party.

9. harry potter party for akshaya

10. My brother and parents had a huge fight

11. We travelled to new Zealand with friends and made memories. 

13. We did a fun farm trip in June. 

14. I met up with Emily and Subair and Malar and Jeroen in UK and Holland

15. Saro travelled to so many places - Taiwan.  Philippines. India.  Malaysia.  New Zealand. 

16. I've been vegetarian  for a year

17. We both leant kriya.  

18. A songwriter won the Nobel prize for literature. 

19..many celebrities died. George Michael.  Prince.

A new year

The new year has started. 2 days into the year. Let me review my thoughts and dreams for this year
1. Spend time being kind and  appreciative of saro.  Work on my relationship. Grow it nurture it. Take time for it. It is the foundation of all things.

2. spend time with each of my children individually when I can and as a group when I can every week.

3. Express my love and respect for my children and my parents and husband so they know how loved they are.

4. Spend some time reflecting very week or so. Connect with what is in me my thoughts.  Not just drift along with the currents of the time.

5. 20 minutes exercise. 20 min meditation everyday or every other day. Exercise three times a week.
Pilates.  Swimming. Walking or cycling.

6. Once a month trekking with akshaya or the while family.  Starting Jan
-bukit timah nature reserve
- macritchie
- macritchie tree top walk
- upper pierce
-lower pierce
-lake quilin
-pulau ubin
-punggol park
-punggol ranch
-punggol point
- changi beach walk
-railway walk

So family figures large in my dreams this year. That is good.

Work...
For us to grow as a team. For me to grow others. For me to be myself at work . For us all to have a sense of collective ownership over the work we do. For the lit syllabus to continue to improve and be a guide for the teaching of lit in our schools.