Vetri Vel Muruganukku.. Arogara

Hi. I did it. Seluthifined Paal Kudam. Was a tough one and feels good for that. A sense of achievement pervades when there is a struggle of some sort. This was no major struggle I must qualify.

I did a stage by stage fast.
A month ago I gave up eggs
Three weeks ago I started my cold water baths morning and evening. That was during the height of the coldest days in sg ever haha! 21 degrees c with cold winds
Two weeks ago I kind of started no intimacy with saro. Though we hadn't been intimate in ages already. But I mean no touching.
Then a week ago I started what was toughest for me. I didn't eat from 8 to 6pm. Some days I had my meal later than that. Now I know that's not a mean feat . Many people do that regularly. Lydia only eats one meal a day. Leonard generally skips lunch.
But for me.. I like food haha so that was tough for me. But i did it. I didn't even fully starve I had a cup of milo everyday to help me manage! But its better than last year when I fasted from 10 to 5 pm for 7 days. 
It's good to do this once in a while. Makes you appreciate what it must feel like for Muslims who fast so strenuously for a whole month  and of course those who don't have a choice. I also stayed away from chocolates 😀.
During this week we had two feasts I missed. A very nice branch lunch and a housewarming lunch.
I also didn't tell anyone about my fasting. It's personal. Just recording it here for my self my reference.

So the fast made it interesting and challenging.

Then yesterday we walked with kavadi. 6km or so. I was short on food ya but that was ok. It was so hot! We started at around 2pm plus. But it cooled down.
Then paal kudam started early because of the eclipse. So after a long 3.5 hour walk with a headache I got home to sleep for just 1 hour 15 min and was back at temple by 11pm. Started walking at around 12.30 and got back to temple only at4.so another 3.5 hour walk
This was mostly waiting with a jump start jump start move in the wee hours of the morning. Most challenging was fighting sleep.
But after all of that.. done! Seluthifined my paal kudam! Kept it on my head. Did not fall asleep. Helped others stay awake by playing thumb war games. Kept my hand on my kudam and my other on another lady's kudam to help her. Sang om shakthi om shakthi om. I even led the songs for awhile singing ganapathyae!!! So many people helping one another stay awake for the prathanai. It's a wonderful feeling!

And I had so much support. My parents dropped me. Akshaya packed everything for me. She even left me an encouraging note wishing me luck! This was awesome. It was tough and I had a lot of support and by Murugan' s kind grace.. I did it!!

Omg I've just gone in about me me me.
Ashwin walked the full 3.5 hours in sun and rain with Karthik and had so much fun .Karthik was carrying kavadi!

And Akshaya and aishu helped peel vegetables for today's huge lunch. Next year i plan to do so too. Am very proud of them And very thankful to god for giving us a chance to serve in different ways.

27 Jan 2018

This is a momentous day
Today malar and jeroen welcomed their baby girl into this world!
She shares same birthday as Aishwarya! Our kutty girl turned 4 today. I always wanted them to get a cute baby girl like aishu!!!
And we got our new car today. Renault grand scenic. Brown. Slv9971e.
And we painted the pink room ourselves.
And had second open house for art class
And cut home baked cake for aishu
God is fantastic in allowing all of this to happen!

#metoo

YThis hashtag. 2017. It speaks the story of thousands ten thousands of women's stories. Of being sexually threatened amd black mailed by men in power. Of young girls assaulted by older men. It's terrifying and so very true. #metoo.
Does this movement mean mote awareness now and perhaps feweer #metoo? Surely men in power are cringing right now. But notice no indian actress has said #metoo and its surely prevalent there too. These things take time to trickle down east. Here its normal to blame the woman far more than the man for the sake of "honour" and reputation.

But such mixed messages. Women scantily clad is normal. Women sexualised and often wanting to be sexualised as a result of the normalisation of sexualisation complicates matters. Biology plays a part too!

Cold jan

Must put this on record
We had fun cold winter here in sg! 21 degrees Celsius with cold winds and no sun made it feel colder
Very fun
Saro freezing all the time!

Books 2018

Every year i start it and i never complete it
Here goes another try
Jan
1. Bell jar sylvia plath
2. Ministry of utmost happiness arundhati roy
3. The wonder by emma Donohue
4 Shiva's son by preetha rajah kannan

FEB
1. Re read watership down
2. Art of war - not finished
3. 5 love languages of children
4. Selected poems of Keats
5. Unfree verse
6. Reading bible to Ashwin not finished
7. Clear brightness by Boey Kim Cheng not finished
8. Little things
9. Re reading a glass palace by Amitav Ghosh

March
1. Sylvia plath diaries
2. Poems by Robert Lowell

Apr
1. Re read little foxes. Loved it
2. Re read play of flowers for Algernon
3. Re read a view from the bridge
4. Re read the Winslow boy. Incrediy moved by it
5. Re read off centre. Also moved
6. Re read hullabaloo in the guava orchard
7. Re read midwich cuckoos. Unputdownable
8. Re Read 1984. Chilling.
9. Read remembering Anne frank by miep gies. Wow. Sobbed. Questioned.
10. Read lowland by jumpa lahiri. Good. Needs patience but powerful.
11. Started 're reading Anne Frank

May and June
1. Percy jackson books 1 to 4
2. Percy jackson and the Greek heroes
3. Terry pratchet

Passing thoughts

Everyday everywhere the same dramas unfold
Parents walk kids to school and go to work
Parents drop off kids with in laws/child care centres and go to work
Same scenes century after century
All of is part of the same well oiled machine
Kids we see seem settled into routine
Likely at home all plead with parents tp stay home with them
Is nothing unique in our lives today?

Missing friends

I miss my friends so much it hurts
I was jusy reeling off the list. That malar is in holland and sutha is in Ireland and Kannan and sham and subair amd Yasmin are in New Zealand..

And.. what was keeping me going and what i think was making them happy was that i was plannong a trip to see them in March. Sutha has holidays we can go around together see malar and her baby. It was a high point for me to look forward to.

I sound so selfish even to myself. But i need to be open about my feelings at least to myself right

Yes. Then the night sham and kannan leave amd my heart feels so heavy..  we find out saro's dad has cancer. That is just terrible. He's 70 going on 71 in two weeks.  Just never thought about cancer for a loved one. Foolish. Maybe. It's everywhere.

Praying for his smooth recovery. Been asking saro to go visit them. But saro and they have a nice common understanding. They didnt seem to think he needed to go and he too felt the same way.

He's so busy im worried for him. He's got no time to get in touch with how he feels about things. Its non stop for him. Work and he feels he's not giving his best there. That irks him. Its not in him to not give his best for things. And he's just recently been promoted.

He's also busy with Thaipusam planning and his toa payoh temple commitments.
And finally what is consuming him the most... the work to be done for the new business he's starting with his brother.  So many many things to do for that. Renovation. Inspections. Publicity. Hiring. Training. Setting up utilities. Paying salaries. Decorations. Open houses. The whole works!!!

And then his father's illness in the midst of things. He's not had time to pause process his feelings. I'm so worried for him. He looks haggard. His breathing is fast. He thrives on stress and challenges though i must say that.

So where is all this going? Saro's father may have his operation in march though date not confirmed. Im not sure to what extent this would affect my travel plans.
Lets say op is in early march. If all goes well saro should be back by end of second week and i can go third week. But all of it is uncertain.

Not sure what to do.
1. I could can the trip altogether.
2. I could visit my friends in feb when the chance of surgery is very low. Problem. Friends aren't quite ready to have me. Malar's folks will be there sutha will have classes. My work also will be affected.
3. I could book refundable tics for 3rd and 4th weeks as planned and keep fingers crossed. Worst come to worse i can the trip. Let friends know in advance to manage disappointments.
4. I could book 4th week march and 1st week april. Depends on work schedule too.

Farewell gifts

Im feeling happy. I spent a lot more than i usually do on farewells this tims but then those who are leaving mean so much more to me this time
June - pen and pencil case - could have been more personal but hers was the first gift and i had to get it a lot earlier
Janet - expensive beautiful notebook.
Jean- hairband and ariel
Rani- necklace and between places
Jeanne- umbrella brooch and station 12
Dell- airplane brooch and history of the world

I like this... found my rhythm only after a while... a personal trinket and a book i loved/enjoyed and that i think would speak to them too

Trains

On the trains in India i am my mother
Teenaged pigtailed heading home from hostel
Dreaming of mum and home cooked food amd brothers and sisters
Staring out of the window at fireflies flickering in the inky darkness outside the train window
The chugachugachug beating to my heart

I stand at the entrance of the cabin
Feel the cool wind whistling past
And i feel my dad's excitement at going home to see his father from Malaysia

My parents always yearning for their parents
The trains their way home to love

They never spoke about the train rides that must have taken them away from their parents to dreaded hostels and foster homes... trains meant coming home

Three dogs

Unlike other stray dogs
These three are lean but dont look u undernourished
Sleek one of each colour black white and brown
No tell tale stray dog mixing of colours
Pure white black brown buily like sleek powerful muscle machines
They bark and chase cyclists, cars, trucks
Pausing to give a camaraderial lick of each other's polished coats befire they return to harass motorists..
Like young punks! A tri colour highwaygang outside the kaliamma temple in kandapatti

Reflections while queuing to see Meenakshi Amman

India. What a country. I'm coming to love it... can't be forced. I love it for wjat it gives my kids. I'm appreciating Tamil Nadu and people from here even more after i met some obnoxious north Indians haha! I sound so racist. Perhaps it was just the usual boisterous pushy tourist crowds i met at kanyakumari. But still.

Anyways. Old truths still hold. Like you can't recapture the magic of a first time. It's just another time. Like my first kanyakumari trip... wha i remember was cleanliness and neatness. This trip what i saw was dirt!! Haha. Yeah. But the memorial rock was very peaceful.

Im at Madurai Meenakshi Amman temple now. Waiting in queue to see the Goddess. I don't have to in that i alredy queued and saw her in full beauty and glory with my family the other day. But im just opposite the temple. Didnt feel right to be blessed to stay so close to her and not drop by to see her. But she's royalty and you can't just drop by. She's changing now i think. Ive been in the queue for 20 min or 25 min already.

I hope the kids are doing ok. Saro has to take care of them. Brush their teeth get them ready entertain them. Hipe he knows to come down to get milk for aishu.

The bells are ringing. Now. Resounding. Sending shivers up my spine. The divine connection between music and devotion and prayer. So beautiful. While queuing i was listening to sri chakravathy simhasani...my favourite lines are
"Thayae manam vaithal thangam varum.. thanivaliyil thunaiyaha singam varum"

I was saying these lines while i made my way to the common bathroom innthe nagara viduthi!

We've had quite a variety of accommodation. There is saro's parents home in chennai. Mattresses om beds or floora. Then the family home in alavakotai. Mats. Fairly complicated routines amd routes for bath and toilet and hot water. Then we had the madam at thiruchendoor. Simple Spartan setting but perfect for our needs. All in one room. Then a fairly luxurious hotel with soft beds in a hotel in kanyakumari. Then jist hard beds and common baths in madurai. Wonderful blessed location. Tomorrow...simple resort in munnar.

Beautiful munnar

We arent in a simple rustic hut. Nope we are in a luxurious cottage! Set amidst tea plantations on mountains 4700 feet above sea level. One of the highest we have been i think

The route here was... quite an experience. We took 6 hours to get here. Coz we got here in the dark and the roads were winding and winding and we had to stop reverse let others by in pitch dark swoop down steep terrain everything. I was saying om Shakthi so much of the time!

But having got here its wow. I went bird watching today. Such a lovely experience. Made friends with a delhi family wjere the dad sounds like rajeev patke!
Learnt about the dronga. Racket dronga that has a long tail. The adorable minivet. Tiny nan birds. Wild bee eaters. Just drongas with fish tails. Red whiskered bulbul. Malabar blue thrush. Am so happy.

I can actually potentially recognise these above birds!!!

I love my kids. They are so full of love and joy.
My baby aishu... pathiripoita when she thought her brother was not getting out of the way of a bus in madurai and when she thought i was not getting out of the way of a cow  in thiruchendur!

She looks just like saro!

Everyday

Everyday i rush through the day
Battle to battle
Unthinking
But in quiet moments
Before bed before dawn
My heart weighs heavy
My thoughts press down upon me
And i wait

What i look forward to in India

Mango with chilli powder by the beach
Horse rides on the beach
Auto rides
Sathukudi juice
Murugan idlies im madurai
Elephant blessings in temples
Cows feeding calves milk
Elaneer
Old bookstores and knowledgeable street book sellers
Tailoring
Filter coffee -the best!

My best books of 2017

When breath becomes air
Ariel
Between stations
A handmaid's tale
And now reading ministry of utmost happiness . Feels a bit like Rushdie and aravind adiga