pensieve

I wish I had a pensieve 

to sieve off my thoughts thst bubble over in my head

on the one hand there is the euphoria at an event well run, all feeding off the energy of the rest

literature the life giving force

on the other is the existential threat to literature itself 

truly keeping up at night 

I can't solve this overnight 

but together we can overcome 

and my baby girl

I can't help but wonder why she has to go thru so much pain

even as I wonder if all this is just to spare her more pain 

who does not have pain in one form or the other 

we all just do our best 

to survive 

I pray she gets better

that when I leave for India on Friday she is okay 

I love her so much

I feel like staying home here with her 

when I went to get married I left my kids in gods hands

I can only do the same now

I wish and wish he could be more present he is trying. I can see that

but the rent on the family the strain

.its still there

aishu liked tamil tuition. I am glad. glad I spoke with the teacher who in her zeal was chasing kids away! hope she continues being positive and encouraging 

ashwin has a science fair tomorrow

he has put in a lot of effort 

looks a bit raw

not sure what the standard is like in school though

and he is going to speak for pesa

I wish him well 

Mrs Brenda

Ashwin's very kind kindergarten teacher 

days

saro is playing a dangerous game. one he may not even realise.

he is risking losing my love, affection and respect by giving so much of himself to the temple

perhaps that is more noble and he is willing to take the risk and pay the price. I cannot say. 

unfortunately I need him now. I cannot manage on my own to give my kids the time and love I feel they need. so some help and support from him is better than nothing. 

but does he want to be in a relationship where he is needed or wanted? 

these are things he must ask himself. 

how can  I respect a man who cannot say no, who cannot decide family matters and is a priority.  the world can  respect him and maybe that's what he craves. he can have it, at a cost. 

and need is not forever. so we can inch ever closer to the day I do not need him and can walk away. 10 years maybe? till aishu heads off to uni. 

and his kids will get used to not having him around, not needing him either. 

how much he is willing to risk?  one must applaud him. if he knows it. or pity him if he doesn't.