scrapbooking

I've discovered a newfound interest in scrapbooking! now I can only think of this during work - I just want to get some quiet time to myself so I can engage in craft work - don't want to do anything else!
exploring a simple framed collage with choice cut outs such as 'friends', best buds, bon voyage, back to school etc. also contemplating a shadow box - feel the urge to leave the office and head over there right now to go get the stuff!

I feel so tired.
I just want to go home, sleep, play with baby
is it normal?
to just want to home?
My daughter keeps saying go fome, go fome after we've been out for about an hour or so.
she's a sweetheart.
I can go on talking about her you know.
My mind is now in all a tizzy as they say.
well, maybe a short nap will help?

fear manifested

well
a hard question to ponder
have we arrived at THAT stage
you know how they say our worst fears tend to come true
like self-fulfilling prophesies?
I don't know if I have done myself in now
have I turned away a good man?
turned his love away from me I mean
through successful over planning and over nagging and having too much expectations
for scolding and expecting this to have no effect on him
for not mincing my words

I don't know.
possibly.
As i found out just recently
I make very many mistakes
some very big ones too
often by not rising to the challenge posed of me
lack of confidence and guts

mistakes at work is one thing
mistakes in life is another
Idon't want to make mistakes in both

my husband this morning said he felt neutral towards me
he didn't love me, he didn't hate me

that's worse for me. hate is a strong and extreme emotion
it can be turned by the winds and swing to love easily - I think
but neutral?
that's just indifferent
I do not matter to him

and sometimes I think now that I saw it coming
he says not to over-read into his comment
that he said it in a moment of anger

but I said the statement to which he was responding angrily yesterday night
after which we had an even longer discussion at 4 am

and then at 8.00 I ask if he loves me and he is neutral
could that be momentary?
he says his mind was on the moment yesterday about which he did not articulate his anger

I dunno

we should have a perogative to not take offence, to give the other person the benefit of the doubt

you know the fear I mentioned earlier
this is the fear of indifference
of staying married for the sake of the children or for the sake of being married
of there being no spark no love no romance
only business like discussions about the practicalities of living the marriage
of living with someone

why must I have this fear and then almost make it come true/

long ago, I feared falling in love with someone after I was attached
that fear lived played its games tied its knots did its due damage and left

and now this fear
how do I not let it take over me

what do I do?

prayer is one answer

I don't know what else.

building shared dreams, making shared plans?

I think I tend to put words into people's mouths, as in, they say something and I interpret it and adverstise it as something slightly but defintely different

losing the romance

yup
I think we are losing our romance
we need to work to get it back
every conversation is now like walking ino a battlefield
every statement made viewed with suspicion
the original intent behind the statement lost on the listener
one party is excited about the prospect of a free art trial class
the other is skeptical, insistent in thinking that all organisations are out to make money only
not thatI think they are philanthropic!
but the point I was focussing on was the art trial class and how fun it would be to see her engaged in creating something
I love seeing her creative expressions at home
maybe it's upbringing
he never had exposure to all this
and maybe he thinks, hey he turned out fine
I was given exposure in all this and I enjoyed it
and I want my daughter to enjoy it as well
these classes I take her to are to give her opportunities to explore new ways of experiencing the world
her parents -us - do not know everything you know
anyway
then I tell him about this and that that I saw and his first reaction is sorry I cant make it
not even a 'I would have like to have come with you'
I sense a serious lack of support here you know
ever since he came back from america
it's like he's doing his own things
and I do mine and baby's
more and more
I'm coming to the conclusion
that that's the way it's going to be
me and her, and then him when he feels like it
yesterday was a classic case in point
remember once I called him cheap
he proved it again yesterday
yesterday he stayed in the FREE carpark of the botanical gardens for 3 hours
because he didn't want to pay for the parking at tanglin mall where his daughter was going for music classes and having breakfast
well
his bloody loss
I had a personal chauffeur - which I could well do without
not sure how to proceed
do I 'drag' him along for future exposure classes of hers
or just screw him and plan for it all myself, without even involving him?
sat, I took her for a medical appt then to her cousin's place to play, while he prepared himself for his trip to malaysia
then he wentn to malaysia while I took her groceryshopping and then visiting with my mum
sunday, you know what happened in the morning -
he was my chaueffer
evening he slept while I gave her dinner and took her to her aunt's house to deliver some food that he heroically offered to buy for them
12 - 4 he was awake but did nothing, nor did he even think of doing anything for her - did not put away her things, did not prepare food for the next day , nothing,
just sat up and mulled over the fact that he was awake and still jetlagged
today I tell him about art class, not an iota of interest. just a .. I saw that. yes must see.
then I tell him about a uni fair and he says you can take akshaya and go - I can't come you know what!
urgh.
I had to tell him I was not inviting him but just wanted to enquire if he needed the car
that sounds very cold
but I was doing it to get back some of pride lost in the way I had to call him 4 times today
so from today onwards- I will NOT call him unless he calls.
I will let himtake the lead in things
I will NOT expect him to be excited about taking Akshaya for any classes nor expect him to want to come
I will NOT ask him to come for anything, in fact, but make plans for things and just carry them out, myself.
I will assume he is in US and that its baby and me alone
anything he does - well, it's just bonus.
he's just averse to things he thinks are catering for westerners, whom he thinks are being cheated left right centre by thieving shopkeepers.
sigh.
today he's going for dinner
friday he's going for a movie
none of it he cared to ask my opinion. he informs me.

fun with baby

yesterday was teacher's day and I had an awesome time with my little darling.
We went to the baby gym (which she can say oh so sweetly) and she played for an hour. Then we had lunch, and I had to stop her from grabbing some kitchen toys from another child.
Sharing and taking turns does not come naturally, does it!
then we went shopping! and she loved it! she chose clothes for me and for saro. she was playing near some pants at one point and when I asked what she was doing, she answered, cool as ever, peekaboo! she was playing peekaboo by herself!
at marks and spensers, this lady charmed her with some expensive raspberry biscuits - after she finished her sample, she wanted more from the auntie! so I bought her a set and she calls them auntie biscuits!
then in the evening, we took a walk to a potential school for her - Apple Tree and we got back and I made macroni for her with raw tomoato sauce - all of which she loved, much to my delight.
it was a very very good day - special bonding day for both of us.

back from india

hi hi, back from india survived a holiday there yay!
Usually I fall sick.
Last trip, it was perfect - so much so I almost thought things were going to change but nope - this trip fell sick from the minute the plane reached indian skiess and only feeling better now that I'm back. so - back to normal then!
But I must say, Akshaya enjoyed her trip very much!
She loves nature - we need a backyard here, just for her sake.
she was so excited there, exploring the houses - her grandmother's house and her own place in alavakottai.
The cows, the goats, the crows, the woodpeckers, the squirrels = all a joy to her.
She did get scared of a dog though.
And she's speaking such lovely words! she can make herself very clear now.
Take out.
Get up.
Wake up.
Pick up.
clean up.
Show, dog, gone, up!
kottai
Singapore!
Iyya thitta
Adi Vaanga
Govinda
Thripathi

Overall - it was a good trip. We did the thothil kattrathu at Kannathal Kovil - she was a darling during the thotil ride around the temple. A good half hour walk that was. She just lay quietly in her thotil, resplendent in pink.
then we donated her hair at the Azhagar kovil - she was good for most of it, cried at the end
now she proudly proclaims she gave her hair to god and that she cried only a little - like this - Aack! she calls herself mottai. very sweet!
The Thirupathi dharisanam was fabulous. Real lucky. Sakthi uncle retrieved this booking he had made three years in advance and which so happened to coincide with out trip there and he had so happened to get 5 tickets which covered them, us and my grandmother - that was a fun trip! the children sang to Akshaya up the hill =- such melodious mazhalai words.
very happy lah!
and now, sigh, back to back to work. :-(

Ruminitions on motherhood

My colleague just said she would like to quit and be a full time wife and mother to her baby
I was wondering, would our children appreciate us doing this? Should we even do it for such base reasons as appreciation?
But ... I do wonder. If I stay home to care for her and then one day she gets all grown up and moves on in life, will I then wonder what to do with my life, since my one big project is over?
I want to spend time with my baby too - I do, believe me.
But..Ithink I like working as well, I would like a part time option honestly, where I get to work part of the time and be with my darling the rest of the time.

woes

om shathi om namashivayam
It's so very important to pray every day before leaving home
one never knows what may hit you when and where
I am depressed.
About Singapore's legal system, the fact that new evidence cannot be presented even when the victim may be on the death row.
About the forthcoming aar - it might be a bash me session or a fist fight between members
very ironic that we will be having lunch together first! and as my treat.
I should have stressed, let's focus on the positive aspects as well.
now I must steel myself - not to take anything personally. to keep in view the reason for this exercise which is to improve it for next year.
Please god, help me.
About the blunder about the 85% of schools offering upper sec lit - always knew it was tricky - I had been working on the cdc paper concurrently, why didn't I raise it?
Help god, help.
now I have to work on a stupid set of notes of meeting for edumall comms. and I want to complete it before I leave.
how god how/
Won't anyone acknowledge that the symposium was well run?

Baby sponge

My baby - now a toddler - is a little sponge!
I sing to her, we speak to her constantly and just like that, suddenly, she's throwing all these words back at us
she can say, 'no no' with a twinkle in her eye, and 'yea yea' with a little smile
I sing to her Two little dicky birds sitting on a Wall, and she says Wowl (silent l), one named peter one named paul and she says Pow(l) then I tell her I'll be putting cream on kaal (leg in tamil) and she say Kaw(l)!
I sing wheels on the bus go round and round, and she says 'roun'
now everything is Athiya athiya - Athiya will feed herself, drink water herself go everywhere herself!
Door, Doll, Ball, back, quack, cluck, hiss, miaw, pia, dog, boo (for moo)
how fun!

time to smoke

writing 21st cc lesson examplars now and it's time to smoke our way through!
it's a matter of cutting and pasting, matching and mixing - not quite intellectual but smart- we train our pupils well in this for what are we doing if not spotting, what are we practising if not trying to cut to the chase to produce the desired result - any learning that happens is ancilliary - accidental, that which happens as we try to meet our desired outcomes - meaning, it is the outcome that determines the learning and not the other way around!
epiphany!

Tired

I am feeling very tired.
Price of having stayed up so late I guess - I was up till 5.30 am and now I can't function properly at work - I'm on a very slow gear this day.
I want to go home, curl up and sleep
But Ihave awful deadlines to meet
so shall trudge along
is there a lesson to this I wonder?

baa baa

And it's begun!
Baby (or should I say toddler? she's always baby to me somehow!)
Baby gets into the car, points her index finger to the sky and demands.. "Baa Baa"
and we have to play baa baa black sheep for her.. over and over and over again!
this is exasperation mingled with pride and love
the question is baa baa black sheep a politically incorrect song does arise in my head - a minor aside for now
the worst of it all is, I have nursery rhyme ditties in my head all day and night long now! how I long for some grown up music in my head!

Baa Baa is significant for our baby in her own way though - our new zealand trip, if nothing else, she developed a love for those baa baas! any stretch of green and she'd be on the look out for those wooly friends of hers. plus it was the first animal she got up close and personal with, daring to reach out and touch their fur, on a farm visit. till then, she used to shy away from real animals (pictures ones were okay)
so with the baa baa, she got to appreciate nature, experience relating the picture to the real thing and even tried petting and feeding them!
and now this rhyme! who knows what it reminds her of?

the breastfeeding journey

I had to record this for I'd forget otherwise
date when I stopped breastfeeding: April ... (see I forgot already! - it was 2 weeks ago) - April 30 2010
having breastfed baby for 16 months - woo hoo!
okay, complete breastfeeding only for 4 months but still..

I was actually going to stop at about 13 months but then we went to New Zealand and she fell sick and we re-started breast feeding to help her keep some food in and fight the bacteria and that got us started again!

So funny this whole breastfeeding issue: when we started, we said it with great pride - for it was being encouraged by all doctors and through campaigns and posters - that breast milk was best
that was till baby was 6 months old.
then some people looked on in admiration while others tried to dissuade when I continued to breast feed past 6 months
then come 12 months, I had to keep it secret! because almost no one would encourage it anymore. except my mum which was very ironic, considering that intially she was the one who was insisting breast milk is completely insufficient for the baby and that formula was essential!
oh well!
personally, I've very happy and very blessed to have been able to breast feed for 16 months. it really helped me bond with my darling and honestly we both are really close! I mean, that is something really only mummy can do - all things else anyone else can do and was most most happy and willing to do - feed, change, bathe, dress play ... breast feeding however.. ha! only one!

I think it was like this:
complete breastfeeding: 0 - 4 months
breast feeding plust one feed formula: 5 - 8 months
baby rice introduced: 5 months
breast milk and baby rice: 8 - 9 months (india at that time, I did not bottle feed at all)
breast milk, baby rice and one feed formula - 9 - 11 months
breast milk, 2 - 3 feeds formula and solids (rice and paruppu etc) - 11 - 14 months
1 feed breast milk at night - 14 - 16 months

I just want to go home

What a start to an entry
But it's true.
I just want to go home.
I am feeling trapped.
I look forward to my end here as a release
for it will be a release from my bond as well as work
I look forward to that relative freedom as a butterfly may towards getting out of its cocoon
And where will I head to next
Will I lead a department
Will I study abroad
Will I just stay home and enjoy a few months with my toddler (and hopefully another baby too?)
What does the future hold for me?
Let's see.

a story of a boy

What story should I write?
Of a young boy, banished as a toddler, labelled as an evil twin
banished across oceans to live with guardians
of that child's yearning for his family, his sisters, his brothers, his mother most of all
of that child's first trip back home where no one even knew what he looked like anymore
of the love of that family for that far off child, the far off brother

to be continued...

Sleep Training Diary

Sleep Training Diary

Tear drops in her eyes

Downturned lips

Quivering chin and nose

My baby is about to cry

She wants mummy to pick her up

Doesn't understand why

Mummy doesn't pick her up

Sleep baby sleep

We love you baby

Hard lesson

Harder for mummy

Perhaps

How does my Baby Grow?

Tell me Tell me, how does my baby grow?
With Twinkling Eyes
And Dimpled Smiles
With Squeals of Joy
And Peals of Laughter
That's how my baby grows!

Life imitates Art

Is it true that perhaps, rather than art imitating life, life now imitates art?
We read about something, then read about something else similar and then we start believing the same things are going to happen in our lives...
do you ever feel that way? that literature, rather than liberate us and our thinking, instead constrains? It gives us new fears, new worries. It disturbs us , not allowing one to sleep sometimes.
Is that the point of Lit? To make one think so much that they lose reason?

Baby's first words

14 months old... is my baby's speech developing properly? A fairly common concern among parents I'm sure!
So, to allay my fears, I'm listing out the words my baby can say - and let's see how I feel after that!

Baa baa (sheep)
Mum Mum (food, water, milk, biscuits)
Mummae (when she's very hungry in the middle of the night, asking specifically for milk)
Aatha (that's me!)
Appa (whispered usually)
Aaya (maternal grandma)
Iyya (grandpa)
Aathappa (no idea!)
Thathathae (no idea!)
Iyyappa (no idea - or maybe God?)
boo (for moo)
wow wow (dogs)
kkoo (bird)
ot ot (hot)
co (cold)
Be be (said once so far - for baby)
uck (once, for duck)
cow (once, for cow)

So what do you think - not too bad eh?
She understands a lot more than she speaks!
A real joy watching her grow!

Read Me a Book!

Having a baby really gives one tons of moments to treasure, only they grow up so fast that we tend to forget those moments sometimes..
My baby is one year old, and I want to note the few I remember still before I forget them.

Yesterday, my baby picked a book for me to read to her, without my asking.

I was having my dinner and reading the newspapers on the couch. She was playing but when she saw me sit down to eat and read, she went over to her own mini library in the hall.
I thought she was well occupied playing with her books and I continued reading the papers.
Suddenly she was at my knee, holding up a book : My Baby Elephant - and was clearly asking me to read it! she wanted to climb up on my lap for me to read to her!
What a moment! it was touching and sweet and heart warming all at the same time - at least for me! she was reminding me that I was 'ignoring' her to a certain extent.
She also showed me that my nightly readings to her were having an impact - she liked them and had been looking forward to them! and if I were to forget about our ritual, she was going to remind me! and best of all - she was expressing her preferences for a particular book! When she was at her mini library, she had a choice of about 20 books at least - and she picked one that appealed to her. The best part - it wasn't even a book I had read to her that often! the books I read often are in the bedroom.

What a moment to treaure - my daughter aged one picking a book for me to read to her all by herself!

First O Level Student

The very first student I have coached specifically for O level English has scored an A1!
I am very pleased!
Credit to the student too of course, principally.
nevertheless, am happy !
As the hubby pointed out - I myself scored an A2 for English - and my student scores A1! Wonderful irony and a great compliment for the teacher!

Most Beautiful Baby in the World

Okay I'm going to now make a blatantly biased, completely one sided, totally unoriginal, probably one of the most repeated, and yet unashamedly true in every instant statement:

My baby is the most beautiful baby in the world!

I love being biased this way! and I am so happy to be part of the million mums who feel exactly the same way about their little darlings. Mummyhood is such a happening club to belong to!

My little one is now one. how fast time flies. just awhile ago she was so small cradled in my arms. now she's still cradling in my arms but her legs stick out! and I caught a video of myself the other day - oh gosh! that proud look on my face as I talk about Akshaya to her equally doting grandparents. she'd probably gag at these videos when she grows up!

Back to work, now!