Friends pearls

I collect my friends
Like freshwater pearls
Over time
Only to watch them scatter
Across oceans now

Emergency room

Little kids run around gleely
Bandages on heads
Blood stains on their shirts
Their immediate pain gone
They are just happy
Rotund and happy
With blood stains on their shirts
And a bandage like a crown

Angry

Im angry again

Notes

Rani
Thank you
Stalwart support rock of lit team

Departures

Too many gone
Like a tree whose branches are ripped off by a wild malicious wind
Howling to see me standing still. Bare.
A quiet fury builds inside me

I shed tears like trees shedding leaves because Persephone has gone under the earth spring no more

Walls around me crumbling before my eyes and i alone marooned on a rock at sea

I feel like a crumpling piece of paper

Hits me on three sides
At work my dream team
At home my best friends
And vani... vani's son
Reminding me how transient life is

But.. i can't stay dowm forever
When i hear others chatting about other things... mundane laughable i smile too
Life is ok.
Sometimes i cant bear what has happened to vani

Other times i think
Its ok.. i have a full rich life
I trained kids for dance
I watched my daughters and nephews performances
Life is but a walking shadow
Those who survive thrive
Those who dont
Just fall off
Nameless faceless
Burdens borne by the silent weary

Between places

What does reading between places do to me?
It ... speaks to me of my own nostalgia
I wonder now about his father and also my grandfather who just died this year
Almost alone. With bed sores. His ring finger broken by a thief looking for the ring
He only wore the ring to remember my mum
What of him do i carry in me if at all
I shudder because he was type cast villain all my life
But now
In my mother's remembrances... he emerges slightly different
And should we thus only romanticize the errant one
What about the woman who gives of her life to her family
Who is and has always been around for them to be exasperated with?
What justice do i serve if i seek out the story of one and not the other?
I have no memories of this grandfather save one.
Him speaking to me on the eve of my wedding -him sitting on a short wall somewhere me standing shyly before him not knowing him save that he was my mum's father..  him giving me a handwritten prayer on airmail paper... the prayer he had taught my mother.. the note that by some miracle i never lost though i lose things so easily.. that turned up about a year before my longed for baby was conceived... i said that prayer the whole year before she was borm and sayit to this day.. just two of the 5 stanzas.. and in that one small handwritten gift he has been with me..

And he leaves me wondering... what life is it when no one feels like mourning when you are gone... well not no one because my mother mourned him.. and maybe her youngest sister...

Someone so old so weak so frail...

Miserly perhaps?

What are stories i have of him?

He squandered my grandmother's wealth. He couldn't stand up to his father and sisters. Gave them everything. Poured sambar on her head once.

Kicked her like a dog before his sons forever cutting off that young boy's love...

How to sympathise with someone like this.
And yet
And yet
This is only one story yes... i have not lived it seen it..
So now he lies at 80 plus years alone alone... amd i have the one letter and a host of unanswered questions

Well rested

Its so rare i feel this well rested.
I've slept well this weekend. With two hour naps on both weekends plus esrlt night last night.
Thank you so much

Ninagawa Macbeth

One of the best performances ever.
Really once in a life time experience
Made me appreciate the quiet moments the tender moments the moments of great weight. So much is in the pauses the expressions the tones. Drama is so much more than words. I felt it.
And truly painterly too. I get it. An artist's vision on stage.

Grief.. love.. how ambition can tear the family apart.. the sweeping cloaks in matching designs to show camaraderie.
Kabuki witches.
Cello music.

For me the familiar western strains gave me a start

Once a tree

The space courdened off
By green fences
Blue tarpaulin
Like an accident site
Or murder

Where once stood a tree with leafy branches extended skyward
There stands a stump
A week later, before moss takes root
In place of the stump lies ground sawdust
A week later a square, clean and grey..
Cemented over like
there never was a tree at all

The price of progress

Me vs me

The meena i want to be
Is protesting with the meena i am
And like sam i am
Who likes eggs and green ham
I want to stop all that im doing
And suddenly find all the work done
A magic wand a wrinkling nose
These would be of great help now

My contributions

Bleah.
Work review. A time of accounting. And boasting.
What have been my achievements let me count the ways.
1. Cdc ftr
2. Cdc syll review
3. Forged and deepened partnerships with elis and nie to support lit... nlb poetry in focus
4. Inaugural lit kp dialogue
5. Digital resources

Brittle bones

Our brittle bones
crack upon contact
With machines we build
A tiny pile of bones an offering to metal gods
Like the bones of a bird crushed in our hands
The fluttering heart can stop with one tight squeeze

Yet we strut as if we owned it all
----

Thoughts while walking past a bulldozer
-----

Brittle bones
crack upon contact
with machines we build

An offering to metal gods

Like a sunbird in our hands whose fluttering heart we stop
tiny ribcage we crush
With just one squeeze

Yet we strut as if we own it all

Work waves

The work i have yet to do
Feels like an ocean
With me just surfing the crests
Every day getting only mu toes wet
Never diving any deeper even as the ocean rises

Seeing a cardiologist

He's alright 😀

13 reasons

The book doesn't make one want to commit suicide. Instead it makes one think about the unintended consequences our words and actions may have on people.

Like... the inspector calls from a high school perspective

And anniyan where one mis step leads to another leads to another until tragedy strikes.

Plus i think americam high school life is miserable. All kids want to do is get kissed get hands under tee shirts get raped at awful parties with beer and bully one another. Makes me want to reconsider moving to america!

Tribute 3

Draft 3

Dear dell dear dell
Before you came...
life wasn’t quite so swell
the office had a smell
and other things we’ll let Leonard tell

You got to work, helped us gel
For some of us, you became a pal
For the rest, well, sensational
Even in track shoes so very professional
As a pacesetter you’ve got no parallel

You tapped the pulse of Ps and KPs, our clientele
You read the minds of senior personnell
(What they might say, you often did foretell)
And helped us do our show-and-tell
Soon our syllabi will go national!

Thanks for boosting our morale
It feels like we are losing a precious jewel
We would have liked to write you a villenelle
Or at least offer you chocolate with caramel
All we have, alas, are a few lines written pel mel

Dear dell dear dell
Soon on the third floor you will dwell
We are going to miss you as you can tell
Dear Dell dear Dell
We bid you a fond farewell...

Dear dell dear dell
You are really such a rebel

Tribute

Dear dell dear dell
Before you came... life was hell
We were stuck down a well
You lifted us up and helped us gel

For some of us, you've been a pal
For the rest....sensational
You read the minds of senior personnell
And our syllabuses you help us sell
Now everyone knows lit and el
Soon we will go national

Always the professional
Even in track shoes -formidable
Soon on the third floor you will dwell
The journey with you has been incredible

Dear dell dear dell
You are truly non paril
We are so going to miss you as you can tell
With our hands on our hearts we bid you farewell
Now we ring this bell
Amd we wish you well wish you well

Draft 2

Dear dell dear dell
Before you came...
life wasn’t quite so swell
the office had a smell
and other things we’ll let Leonard tell

You got to work, helped us gel
For some of us, you became a pal
For the rest, well, sensational
Your track shoes are very professional
As a pacesetter you’ve got no parallel

You tapped the pulse of Ps and KPs, our clientele
You read the minds of senior personnell
(What they might say, you often did foretell)
And helped us do our show-and-tell
Soon our syllabi will go national!

Soon on the third floor you will dwell
Dear dell dear dell
We are going to miss you as you can tell
Dear Dell dear Dell
We bid you a fond farewell

We would have liked to write a villenelle
Or at least offer you chocolate with caramel
Instead all we have is this little bell
And a few lines that run pel mel

Thanks for boosting our morale
It feels like we are losing a precious jewel

Even as we sing jingle bell

Focus

Focus on learning not performing
A new mantra for us for us for me

3 2

When 3 becomes 2
A shade rolls down your face
A mask pops up
U smile on cue
But you can never forget
3 became 2

When 3 becomes 2
You just continue
Because there are still 2
Who need you need you

2 becomes 1 is romantic
3 becomes 2 is tragic

Trees past trees

A truck of trees drive through an avenue of trees
Do they look on their fallen friend and wonder
But for the grace of man (not god)
There go I

Words

Words can
Slice
Float
Linger
Fill the spaces between us
Hang in the air
Drop in a pool
Send ripples out
Over time

Words can
Stab
Pierce
Tear
Light up
Lift
Make you fly

Time

20 years feels like nothing almost
20 years ago i was 17
First loves
Firsts of many things...

What does it mean to have been living in singapore for the past 20 years

What does it mean that in 10 short years i'll be nearly 50
Its unreal all these numbers...

I am no writer

I am no writer
Just
A collector of words
Stringing thoughts and hopes
Fears of loss

A stringer of words
That collect like dust
In corners and crevices
That suddenly burst forth

All around changes

All around me changes
Oceans heaving
Throwing up new heads
Rolling away the sand and silt
Depositing them on other departments
The grand shake up
While some of us
Stay like moss on the walls
Become the walls
Greying into the structures we hold up

About the bottle

My water bottle
Flies down from the second floor
Flung by my "friends"
To the hard concrete ground

I tell them to stop
They roll it near the bin
I hold back my tears
And pull it back with a rusty umbrella

My aunty tells the boys
Dont throw his bottle
They say "it wasnt us"
My baby sister knows it was them

I shant play will them
I cry at home
Safe away from their eyes
Then i think
I may play with them
But i will bring a cup instead

I
Have
Only
collected
Seven friends Like pearls
over time
Strung them together - an amulet
To keeps me going
Now i watch the beads scatter
Across the globe.
And i pause
Just a moment
Then smile- For we will fit right back together
Whenever we meet

Friends like pearls

7I've collected my friends
Like precious pearls over time
One at secondary
Two at Jc
Three at uni
Strung them together - an amulet
To keeps me ticking
Now i watch the beads scatter
Across the globe
But i dont wonder
For we will fit right back together
Whenever we meet

I've collected my friends
Like pearls over time
Strung them together - an amulet
Now the beads scatter
Across the globe.

And i pause
Just a moment
Then smile- For we will fit right back together
Whenever we meet

I've collected my friends
Like precious pearls over time
Strung them together - an amulet
To keeps me going
Now i watch the beads scatter
Across the globe.
And i pause
Just a moment
Then smile- For we will fit right back together
Whenever we meet

I collect my friends
Like pearls over time
String them together - an amulet
Now the beads scatter
Across the globe.

5 i collect my friends
7 like precious pearls over time
5 string them together
7 an amulet- now the beads
7 scatter - all across the globe.

I collect my friends
like freshwater pearls over time-
An amulet. Now
They scatter across the marble floor
Ever ready to string back again.

I collect my friends
like freshwater pearls over time-
An amulet. Now
They scatter across the oceans
Ever ready to string back again.

I collect my friends over time
freshwater pearls for an amulet.
Now They scatter
across the marble floor
Ever ready to string back again.

Poetic musings

Walking along the canal one arm holding onto the other's elbow at the back
Takes me to my grandfather
Watching him walk in his all white - white shirt and white dhoti, his lower lip sticking out slightly his eyes greying and crinkly smiling

Seeing the green kilis..hearing their insistent calls among the verdant trees says this is home more than the trees near my place. Avenues of trees and a long body of water just draws birds in.

Then i see
Two domestic workers walking their owners dogs
Sitting to chat under the shade of a tree
Dogs leashes held close
They turn in knees almost knocking
While the dogs turn out, not keen on each other

One of the less docile dogs barks at a passing man. He scolds the helper. Sje scolds the dog. The serenity of the scene disrupted

The kilis calls interrupt my reverie. A flock ascends as one from one tree. Another individual from another tree suddenly lifts off to join them as if to say "wait for me"

In the canal a flotissa of junk... plastic bags a condom
Ready to add to the plastic in the sea

Gathering of thoughts

I think.. the session went well
We have some marvellous friends among us who helped.
The guy came up and shared stuff personally to help me (and him) save face.
Make the explanation of the placing of dialogue and writing circle explicit

They probably feel heard.
They like the eye and will incorporate these.

Changes for assessmemt
-short story have an open qn
-dont make all qn about style for pbq and unseen

Can we suggest working with el so the other texts they bring in link with our core texts?

How can we equip teachers with the know how for planning the curriculum?
Prep teachers for the lack of teacher control

They may not ditch their favorite parts like post structuralist and drama performance and all.

Can we have more essays?
Plans for future :
1. Comparative texts
2. Only essays for novel

She offers me a cup 2

She offers me a cup
Of love, overflowing;
All two and a half feet of her.

She curls snug
Into the shape of me
"Aatha, don't die"
She whispers sleepily.

In the morning,
her butterfly kisses melt me.
I rise, to find her
Gone.

"Today, I'll go to school myself"
She announces
I watch her little legs
Carry her as fast they can
Little ponytails bobbing
Into the future

Without me.

Ariel beckons

For Sylvia

I discovered you too late
Lady Lazarus layered in ash
Phoenix that refused to burst from flames
Farewell.

Ariel beckons
I turn. I must.
Leaves tremble. I gaze upon
Paintings inked in the skies.
Tulips, red, breathing - just.

Dying is an Art.

Ariel, Ariel.
Daddy beckoned.

The beachfront set the trap
The wall of green glass drew you in
Why did you answer?

Ariel, Ariel.
I beckon..

You are
Gone.

Tree tops flutter two

Tree tops flutter with the call
of birds at dusk roosting home.

We are 18 on a branch
jostling and screeching our news
Flights we've made and worms we've caught.

We know which tree to fly to -
a special space among friends,
making this tree home, not that.

And so..., but so..., just so..., if

my fellow feathered friends choose
other trees on other shores...
if I'm left, one bird, alone
can I still call this tree home?

Tree tops flutter

Tree tops flutter with the call
of birds at dusk roosting home.
We, like ten birds on a branch,
(eighteen, if we count the chicks),
jostle and screech our news too -
of flights we've made, worms we've caught.

We know which tree to fly to -
a special space among friends,
making this tree home, not that.
And so..., but so..., just so..., if

my fellow feathered friends choose
other trees on other shores...
if I'm left, one bird, alone
can I still call this tree home?

Tree tops flutter

Tree tops flutter with the call
of birds at dusk roosting home.

We, like 10 birds on a branch,
(18, if we count the chicks),

jostle and, screech our news too -
of flights we've made, worms we've caught.

We know which tree to fly to -
a special space among friends,

making this tree home, not that.
And so..., but so..., just so..., if

my fellow feathered friends choose
other trees on other shores...

If I'm left, one bird, alone
Can I still call this tree home?

We birds

We are 10 birds on a branch,
(18, if we count the chicks)
We Jostle and screech our news
Of flights that day, worms we catch.

We know which tree to fly to
A special space among friends
Making this tree home, not that
And so..., but so..., just so..., if

My fellow feathered friends choose
Other trees on other shores
If I'm left one bird alone
Can I still call this tree home?

Trees flutter 2

Trees fluttering with the call
Of birds at dusk remind me
That all creatures, big and small
Need a roosting place called home.

We, like 10 birds on a branch,
(18, if we count the chicks)
Jostle, screech our news daily
Of flights that day, worms we catch.

We know which tree to fly to
A special space among friends
Making this tree home, not that
And so..., but so..., just so..., if

My fellow feathered friends choose
Other trees on other shores
If I'm left one bird alone
Can I still call this tree home?

Trees fluttering

Trees fluttering with the call
Of birds at dusk remind me
That all creatures, big and small
Need a roosting place called home.

Maybe twenty on a branch
They jostle and screech their news
Telling each other of their
Flight that day, the worms they caught.

Each knows which tree to fly to
A special space among friends
Making this tree home, not that
And so, but so, just so, if

My fellow feathered friends choose
Other trees on other shores
If I'm left one bird alone
Can I still call this tree home?

Floating

Im floating inside
Just a little bit
Because of a tender moment
A look a word a kiss a hug
And im flying though it cant go anywhere
Its just a mark
Of love and friendship a bond forged over so very many years
Nothing else can come close
These friendships need time and love to be nurtured
And i pray
My kids find such good friends in their lifetimes too

To know i mean something to someone
Too precious

I want to hold on to that moment
Savour it
Live it

An update
Apparently after that long talk wgich felt short.. he bought his ticket back!
Its so precious... unspoken and lovely

Fond farewells

My sweet kannan
Said bye to me with tears in his eyes and said hed miss me
Hes so sweet. .glad to know i mean something to him

They say i say

Now they whisper
----
She had a child ...
Had?
She's never been the same

Her light went out
That day
It flickers back on
A shadow of a shadow
Gone before it shows

He broke her wings
when he took flight
Its been years now i hear

What.. empty nest syndrome?

Empty nest?
One could say that.
The bird flew before its wings were ready
Maybe its singing free now?
She doesn't sing anymore.
-------

5 years ago

---
Guilt. Grief
Twin sisters, you
Brew poison...
Ladle it by the spoonful
into my skin
my every cell.

You flap black wings at me
Every which way i turn
Cackle and claw at me
Beating me into me

I curl in in in
I am a question mark
You twist me still
To a point a dot
a speck
I am nothing.

Jump 2

My friend's son
jumped from the 21st floor
He had been grounded for a week
He jumped the weekend before the start of the exams .
He died 3 hours after jumping.
My friend
Rushed to see him downstairs
Gathered him in her arms
did not let him go
To be treated
She let him die
Rather than suffer a vegetable
She carries him still.

This child
Whom she followed home in her car as he took the bus the first time from school
Whose future wife she already knew she'd be resentful of for taking him from her one day
Is gone

He jumped
Breaking her wings
Even as he took flight

Tear me my heart
And give it to me in pieces

She says
I cannot manage my work or my emotions
I am lost
I have not been a good mother
I pushed him too hard
I am aimless
I dont have an appetite
I am ok i slept through the night
I am ok just very sad
Don't push your kids
Its not worth it
Let them do whatever they want

Guilt grief

Guilt. Grief.
Sisters
Brewing poison
Ladling it into my skin
my every cell

Grief. Guilt.
Twin vultures
Tearing into me
Twisting talons

You cackle and claw at me
Flapping dark wings
Every which way i turn
Beating me into me
I curl in in in
I am a question mark
you smother me further,
Into a speck a dot
Until I am nothing
Nothing

I need space and time

Im feeling just a little overwhelmed. Its like...
I am anxiously checking my phone all the time for messages from her
I see it as my duty to look out for her and i have become the conduit for info between her and office.

My emotions are also still in a kind of stormy turmoil. Whats happened is so shaking. So am dealing with my emotions on one side

Then work is not getting done. Because im only half working at work. Half is dealing with my emotions and matters concerning her.

At home i have the pressure of preparing akshaya for exams
I also have the duties of looking after the kids. I cant just work at home. Not even in the middle of the night.

I like praying . But now everytime i pray o find myself thinking of what happened and asking questions

I wish i could turn to saro and cry and hug him

Whoever i speak to about this will be heavily burdened.
Dont want to talk to sutha. Might remind her of what she nearly did. The anguish she caused her loved ones.
Dont want to talk to malar would like her to focus on happy things
Dont want to talk to sham She's preoccupied with emigrating
Maybe Siva?
Im sad tired and feeling like im not getting my work done

Guilt

Can guilt literally roll your shoulders
Force you to hunch

An article

Literature is the record of the many stories we have told about ourselves and our world, and of the many ways we have found to use language artfully and beautifully, but also cruelly and obtusely. It both reflects us and shapes us. We don’t need any excuses for taking it seriously.

Jump

My friend's son
Just jumped from the 21st floor
He had been grounded for a week apparently.
He jumped the weekend before the start of the exams .
He died 3 hours after jumping.
My friend
Could not bear to see him downstairs
Bloodied, spread-eagled
She could not go to the hospital
She was not with him when he passed on

Grief
Guilt
Farewells in texts
Friends too late

Too late
16
What could he have been
This child she never worried too much about
This child
She followed home in her car as he took the bus the first time from school
Tough love too tough?

Shoulders too narrow to near the weight of blame
If a child jumps the child is at fault
The parents are at fault for not teaching him to ne resiliant
The system is at fault
For our sky high expectations
Razor thin margins

Thoughts on the weekend

Yesterday i finally taught akshaya how to wash her hair and dry it and wrap herself around and put cream.

I finally caught up on how much ive been spending on data! Picking up some good habits like downloading songs

Spent time tutoring akshaya. Learnt the value of the last minute brush up- tuition kid did well with that brush up for one section and not well for the other.

Heavy heavy heavy

A friend's son may have jumped to his death.
I dont know what to say.
Was it coz of exams
Was it coz of a relationship
Whatever it is... its no reason to jump. 16 . The whole world ahead of us. Nothing is as bad as it seems.
How to build that confidence in kids?
Celebrate life.
Gun for excellence but accept less too and see how to move forward.

We must appreciate and appreciate. Unconditional love.
And show them how to turn to God. Hes a rock of a Friend . Ever constant.

Secret burdens

This weekend has been about confronting all kinds id sleeping ghosts
1. Sexual harassment and its after effects. Stuff i didnt know was bothering me

2. And this. I feel i can let go of something after having carried it for 14 years! Now that's something.

Here it is in the raw.
Ive been holding a grudge against my brother for not having attended my wedding.

Herea the thing. Not attending it has probably saved our relationship- our family of four's relationship. See. He failed his exams in the end. But he cant blame it on the wedding. He had to face his own issues. If he had come for the wedding and failed he would have blamed my parents and me. And my parents would have believed it too.

Its all for the best. I cant say it so well here but i woke up excited. There was clarity and brightness. Ive trusted god blindly all my life. How could i imagine this incident was not for my best too?????

Thank you god!

Ok

I need to let go of my fears my anger my prejudices. He's a child. 6 years old. Im his parent. I have the golden opportunity to educate him love him and bring him up well.
I pray to god first. He's God's gift. Thank you for Ashwin Ram. Thank you for my baby. Thank you.
He's an artistic genius. Creative. Imaginative. Loving.
I must not turn him into a fearful quivering  wretch.
He askes a question yesterday with no prodding nothing at the theatre. I'm proud of him .
This may just be a childish curiosity with of forbidden things. I should not make it out to be a perverse thing. Please god ne with me.
He's doing just the thing. I'm adding all kinds to it based on my fears and my past experiences.  I guess I'm more affected ny what happened to me than i thought.

I have other latent fears i had not realisesd. 

Shh

I hate milk.
Its good for me
They say.

Every day
They give me a glass.
Drink it up, they say.

I sulk I pout
It does no good.
They only raise their voices.

Then they try a new tactic,
From a book
(where else?)

They give me a star
For every glass
I down

If I down it
In 5 minutes
I get two!

Now this could work,
I think.
I rub my hands in glee.

I grab the milk
I rush to the sink
Down it goes, I earn two stars

In record speed!

Fathers glasses draft

My Father’s Glasses

----------------------------

I need my father

Like I need my glasses-

The world looks better with them.

His glasses, clear crystal,

Yet tint everything

With a glow.

His eyes seek out

The clear quartz within us,

Its light beams.

The less than fine - (cloudy

He overlooks

Away from his gaze, they fade.

I see my daughter

From behind his lenses, and

I see myself as he must have seen me.

Tiny, helpless, bawling in his arms -

His arms the sturdier for having to

Hold me.

His eyes,

Scanning horizons

Watching my back.

Age adjusts his lenses.

Still

He looks at life the same.

It’s his glasses -

I’m sure - I want to look

Like him.

Trees reach out

The trees.
Interlocking arms
Signal victory reaching out to the skies

Marital rape for 15 to 18 year olds

Im trying to understand this
So in india its okay to marry a 15 year old but not ok to have sex with her.

And she must make a complaint that she's been raped for any action to be taken

Which 15 year old who has agreed/been coerced/ been highly encouraged to get married will likely be able to complain?

Her own family who gladly married her off won't support her. The family whose son is raping her wont support her.

She's a child still for God's sake. She's probably been schooled since young not to rebel not to bring shame to her family.

How is this law a step forward?

The kind of guy i like

Do you like this kind of guy, he asks pointing to a well built muscular guy

No
Have you seen my husband i ask
Thats the kind of guy i like
Tall slim
Great head of hair for me to dig my hands through
Luminous eyes i can drown in 
Strong arms around my shoulders
Hands that hold me
A ready laugh with me
Unwavering belief in me
Thats the kind of guy i love - the guy i love.

Short story idea

What do you say to the relatives of a man who has passed on and you are not sure if he was loved or he would be missed

How do we live so at least some will mourn our passing

The irrelevant President

The comedian in chief is how i call him.

The perfect gift

Precisely because
I am looking for the perfect gift
I will not find it

To convey my sorrow
At your leaving
My joy and hope for you
My fears for myself

What gift will do
No words or things
Will suffice to say
I will miss you

 

Carlos william

Asphodel that greeney flower

Its so moving it has its own lyrical musicality to it one just flows from line to line to line

Its is difficult to get the news from poetry but men die everyday for lack of it

Do fish cry

Do fish cry
When their brothers die
Do they feel sad
Do they miss them

Questions from my baby.
Well hers were statements. For me they become questions.

Late night conversations

At bedtime
Talking to the kids amd woah both bring up heavy issues that need dealing with. Time is 9.45pm.
On the one side... my son speaks of some bullying based on skin colour affecting him . Doesn't volunteer it. I need to gently probe.
The other side my baby is sad our fish has died

To be human

To be human is to have responsibilities.
To be aware of the privileges we have
To be aware of others
To be kind

To stop crime and others from bullying others
To care for those around us
To feel for them
Appreciate them
Remember they are human too
They feel bored lonely alone sad

Going home

As i hunker down in the rain
Heading to the bus stop

Trees fluttering with the call of birds at dusk
The shrill trill of green parrots
The cacophony of the mynahs
Tell me

It is time to roost

 

Guns

Gun violence
When anyone can own a gun isn't it obvious people will get shot at????
The American dream  is slowly turning into the American nightmare .

My advice would be to beat it out of the country while you can.
The dark and oppressive and counter intuitive age is approaching in America. Time to scoot
 

Home not home

What do you do
When home is not home
When all your friends
Pack up and leave
And only you remain
Home

What do you do
When home is not home
For your friends
When they pack up and leave
One by one
And only you remain
Home

The push the pull
Where do you start
And whom do you meet
When your day is done

How do you stand
When they have all flown

Friends

Yesterday i met up with my jc classmates and theirs kids.

Between the 6 of us who met we had 11 kids with us and thats coz another three kids didnt come!

It was so relaxing ..at gardens by the bay.
Khalidah came with Ilyan Ilyas and Idris. She had left Izzyah with relatives

Huichoo came with Isaac. She had left Asher and baby (Jesse) at home

Suling came with Mutahara Ismail and Hasanah

Daph came with ollie

And i came with Akshaya Ashwin and Aishwarya

Beautiful no! And i just realised between us we have 5 i names and 4 a names. Thats 9 easy to remember names already
Ollie is easy and suling's kids are etched. So that only leaves huichoo's youngest kid! 
Gonna check out his name of fb now

Its Jesse. Great name.

Miss my friends

Im starting to whine
But I miss my friends

Next year I will miss rani the most among my colleagues
Though I do see the possibility of thinking together with pei Yong and debbie. Downside both are also el officers .

Butterfly kisses

Her butterfly kisses
Fell me
I swoon Only to rise and find her
Gone

Her little legs running as fast as she can straight into grown up land
Today I'll go to school myself she says
All three and a half years in her brimming with confidence and pride

And I watch her take a part of my heart away with her
As she walks to school and the future
Without me

Melon hunting

Mummy look
There s a slice of melon
Hanging in the sky
All silvery white
May i take a bite ?

Off you go
Mummy hoists her up and flings her skyward
She reaches up and catches the melon by the tip of her fingers
Clinging tight she tells her mum
Let go
I've got the melon
Mummy lets go
And she hangs there off the melon
Nibbling her way right through
Mummy I'm done she calls down
And jumps on shooting star
And shoots her way down back tobher mummy arms
A line of silvery white juice streaked across her cherry face
A silvery white orb tracing her path back to mum
And not a trace of the melon left in the sky

To add to Ariel

You lie layered in ash

Just like that

I watched a video of a holocaust survivor saying she forgives the doctors who experimented on her

I am forced to contend
again with the depravity of human beings and their magnitude
I feel unable to move, between these two extremes

Tuition industry

The booming tuition industry tells me a few things
1. We are a very very competitive society
2. We have too much money and
3. We don't have enough time to tutor our be with our own kids

Hey walking

She strides across
Her umbrella a shield
Against the onslaught of cars
And they all stop

Racial tolerance

This is tolerance
Walking through plumes of smoke of offerings to vengeful hungry Chinese ghosts on my way home
Side stepping paper "money " and joss sticks and oranges
Breathing in black smoke striving not to breathe in black smoke
Because the majority believe in burning to please their ghosts hungry even in death

Non elections

We have our first female Malay president
We should be celebrating
But we are not

Recent world events have highlighted that the lay  people cannot be trusted.
Democracy will always be unfair to the minority for we have primeval urges to support our own kind. Rationality cannot overcome biology. The hard science of our bodies. At least... that is what our govt believes. And maybe it is right.

So where does that leave us?

We shouldn't underestimate the lay people's urge to feel included though. A delicate balance or it could go the way of autocratic regimes.

So we had a presidential (s) election to quote cherish george. I think he's naive to imagine the majority would have voted her in against a chinese.

Shade

Under the shade of two Intertwining trees
Branches thin like then kulal
The smell of new cut grass floating her up
Sunlight through spiral spaces

Trees fluttering with the call of birds at dusk

Getting by plath

About the wheels of time
Metaphor of a steam train
Taking her back to the beginning
And she steam rolls past atrocities
Wwii
Wwi
War of roses kind of wars
Adam and eve at last
To the very very beginning
She's pure

From a post

In a speech to the House of Parliament in London earlier this year, the British-Pakistani actor gave his case for representation of ethnic minorities in media. “If we fail to represent, we are in danger of losing people to extremism,” he said. “People are looking for the message that they belong, that they are part of something, that they are seen and heard and that despite, or perhaps because of, their experience, they are valued. They want to feel represented. In that task, we have failed.”
Riz Ahmed winner

Every day

Every day He paints the skies
In different colours
For us to admire if we have the eye to
Hues In blue and purple and white and pink and orange and refs
Everyday a brand new canvas
For us to behold
No arrogance or pride on his part
Just another days work

He rises white hot
Then descends with a crimson sigh

Every morning he stretches out with ruby tinges
Pinks and purples swirl through the blue

He rises steadily white hot blinding searing above the clouds at noon

Then he plunges with a crimson sigh
Onto his inky bed among the stars

Draws in his bronzed arms and rests
Refreshed he rises,

Blushing on top toes
to kiss the clouds again.

I live in a dumo

I live in a dump
Surrounded by towers of things
Teetering over me
All round
Piled high
No fixed places for things
Except On top each other
EVery surface mysterious under the weight of myriad colours
Crowded flowers on curtains
Next to Paintings of yellow and blue and red on pink walls
Behind red laundry fishnet baskets
Under clothes rising in soft insistent steps
Beside a table pink
Under piles of paper - competing towers of Pisa
Behind a chair
With jeans and jibba hanging off it
Across the desk pink
Under a world of things things things
Over me
I sleep on my face
And imagine a world
Where everything resides inside cupboards and drawers
And rooms neat
Nightmare perhaps

About aishu

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down
Can you hold a wave upon the shore
Can you catch a moonbeam

Discriminatory practices.

Is asking to hire people who can speak Mandarin for art class discriminatory practice?
What if it's to cater to main land China students ?

Once done

The hand that leaped to slap the face
Left then right then across the back
Hard
Cannot be recalled

The kisses and caresses after,
The chips and chocolates
just paltry excuses
For the hand that hit the child

The child leaps at the younger
A tiger roaring at a tiny wrong...
The fruit does not fall far from the tree.

You leap you roar you hit
A mirror unto me
Watch my mouth foam
My eyes' hard glare
My hand the whip from nowhere

I have both
made and unmade you.
My dad roared I roared you roar
A family of dangerous jungle cats
Eyes gleam wildly
The thin veneer shimmers
Only a skin away from the step into too late
I pray I hold back that hand...and thus pull back your hand
And stay safely on this side of love and sanity

The hand that hit the child
Cannot be recalled

Lady Lazarus

Dying is an Art
I do it very well

Possible names for baby

Aanya.
With form: anje
Means good things !!!

Sylvia

I find myself speaking differently now
Lile Sylvia
My new found idol
I'd rather be
Happy and uninspired
Than endure such depths of misery that leads to such brilliance
My hear reaches out to her 50 years ago

----
You Daddy beckoned and you left

Thunder crumbles (the inky imgae dissolves)

You are forever 30
Young beautiful genius
Truly risen from.ash
To live forever
Born and reborn
In minds of the unborn

Golden Orieole

A flash of yellow flits across my eyes
A leaf flying like an arrow for a tree
The golden Orieole rests on its branch after it's dash across the high way

Baby

She offers me a cup
of love, overflowing
all three and half feet of her

She curls herself snug
into the shape of me
Aatha don't die
she whispers  sleepily

My little one is a sunbeam
You cannot catch her or hold her
Only behold her
Revel in her warmth
Her sunny michevous smile
And thank God for her

Sujata bhatt

Respond to sujata bhatt poem
Intricacies of language
Cadences and flow
Tamil ancient language mocked by so many today 

Saral such a specific single word
That conveys the cools refreshing misty spray of rain
Vanthuraen.. reassuring in Tamil semi comical in English

Notes from elis conf

Pedagogy is key

How to be future ready

1..Depth of language

Shades of meaning express nuances
Abstract ideas
Conjecture imagine

Grammar not as important as love and depth of language

2. Intersection of disciplines

Concepts in other fields
Language must adapt. Adaptability if language 

Language is evolving constantly. Organic. Ensure we don't kill love.
Some singlish words are so precise nothing else can say!
English is lingua franca because of its flexibility and adaptability.  .

Language must be adaptable in a vuca world

3. Diversity
English now belongs to no one and everyone.
Really? Is it not our colonial masters language?
Not if we make it our own.

Riding the waves of disruption
Language must enable us to think creatively

Humanities coming back in now

Literature and language intersect woth technology

Successful video game writers studied literature
Story archetypes .
Literature and coding
Biology and mechanics

My question then - creative writing how much time should spend on this. Honestly writing compos is different from creative writing . Include creativity and writing

Listening to subtext

Musicality of language
Story telling

Marriage prizes

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10155714082876202&id=573881201
So the gov is giving out money for staying together very 10 years. So sad. We have come to this

Not nice

I've not been a nice person to my kids today
Snapping at them like a snapping turtle

Sep hols

31st August ! Lego place and lunch at gokuls
1st Sep - cars
2nd sep - fireworks
3rd Sep - Lexus hills park
4th Sep - surprise party and night safari
5 Sep - horses and coney island
6 Sep - hasinis house
7 Sep - swimming
8 Sep - tickle tickle and kanna house

Limbo

Limbo
limbo like me
limbo
limbo like me

long dark night is the silence in front of me
limbo
limbo like me

stick hit sound
and the ship like it ready

stick hit sound
and the dark still steady

limbo
limbo like me

long dark deck and the water surrounding me
long dark deck and the silence is over me

limbo
limbo like me

stick is the whip
and the dark deck is slavery

stick is the whip 
and the dark deck is slavery

limbo
limbo like me

drum stick knock
and the darkness is over me

knees spread wide
and the water is hiding

limbo 
limbo like me

knees spread wide
and the dark ground is under me

down
down
down
and the drummer is calling me

limbo
limbo like me

sun coming up
and the drummers are praising me

out of the dark
and the dumb god are raising me

up
up
up

and the music is saving me

hot
slow
step

on the burning ground.

Limbo
Limbo like me
Bend over succumb
Yet not
For the mind is free
Even when the body isn't

How is language a sufficient affront to the years of inhumanity endured ?

English language now belongs to no one
Answers to no master and to all masters
My lah is mine. My appreciation of Tyger Tyger Burning Bright is mine too

The language

Answers to no master
And to all masters

Limbo
Limbo like me
Bend the language
Mould it to me

Long dark deck and the water surrounding me
If i dream in English the language belongs to me

Stick hit sound
And the ship like it ready
Break break break
is mine still steady

Women objectified

Women are just objectified so often
Passive objects who wait to be looked at

Fiela's child

Written during the height of apartheid
About a time before the apartheid ..what does the text sat
1. Does it hint at the apartheid to come
2. Did it help with the end of it 10 years later

Qn 1. 
Blatant racism
Master
Uncle
The boy in the blue shirt
Better remove a white boy from coloured hands than let him grow in love

Identity crises
Good coloured
Bad whites
Bad coloured
Good whites

The search for identity
Reconciliation

Qn 2
Maybe.

I hate cancer

It's insidious .
Slow killer
I might as well say it
It's anither one of my fears

Books I hate

There are some books that i just hate
Hate so much
Like a monster calls
Like everything but the brain .
Books that reveal life so fully so fully
When do you have hope and when do you let go?

Like my worst ever fears
Of my parents growing old
Of me not being able to save my kids when I am called to it. That I will just stand there useless like I did the day Akshaya fell down from her scooter and hurt her face near her eyes so bad
That day scared me. Scarred me.  

Down

I have to write
I'm feeling a little low
Maybe coz my good friends - one of my oldest and best friends is leaving. Just last year or was it the year before i wrote the same thing
How I felt a hole in my heart as cliched as it sounds.
Just so
Life is like that

Break heart break
For they leave
Leaving a gap
That can be filled only once in two years or so now
The baby of our group will grow to be a teenager far from me
The creative genius too
The wise cracker in the group
The best and most creative chef
All gone to another land swings taking us further afield

Beautiful 39th

I had the most lovely birthday celebrations.
Akshaya planned everything . Kept it a total surprise! Baked a delicious lemon cake with wiwit who made yummy coconut cookies . Planned the surprise with saro so theybwould know what time to be ready. Sent the younger kids to my mum's house so they can get the stuff ready. Am so very touched.

Then we went to the night safari. Amazing time!

Why I found that offensive

You think you are a friend and you can say anything you want ?
You just abused her on stage and she could only hug you to pretend it didn't hurt
She thought you were her fucking friends
Nice act guys 
Maybe she's okay with it
But you just killed it for all of us
Like any pretty woman is fair game for all kinds of sexist jokes and objectification

Slaying Dragons Version 3

Slaying Dragons

You wanna know which dragon I wanna slay?
It's the History Dragon

The one that one won't lie down and slink back
to the filth it rose from

White hoods
Red Swastikas
Burning Torches
still breathing fire
today

Today!!!

Barely
70 years, since the Holocaust ended
50 years, after the Jim Crow laws were abolished
20 years, since the Apartheid died
Not even a lifetime

One that rises from Stench and Rot

Slay it - it lies still... for a few years
Rears his fiendish head above the smouldering ashes
spewing filth and smoking garbage
Trying to make everything White Again

White-Wash History
Start clean, fresh, white
innocent as a new-born babe
Grow into Fine People
Crush others to fine dust under our heels
again and again and again

Shall we stomp this dragon out now
and wait?
It will rise again

Feel it.. vile, sneaking beneath our feet
snaking within our ribs,
burning our throats
It speaks
with OUR VOICE!

Persona poem revised

They said I'll never make it
But here I am
At the top of the world 

I press a button
And boom kaboom
They better not mess with me

I can have any woman I want-
Even my daughter.
Pity she married trash .

The Sun hid his face
Behind the moon
It wasn't me!

Harvey dropped by
With a bucketload of water
Wasn't me either !!

A woman was killed at the Ville
Fine people did it
Very fine people

Pence can only say
Napoleon is always right
I must work harder

Laugh

I won't stop
Till America
Is white again

Ebb and flow of time

Tyrants have always been there
And humanity has always prevailed
At a cost at a cost
How foolish of me
To think I alone could escape the ravages of time and history
I can only pray
A quick look into history reveals the bloody way we reached here today

Rama vs ravana and illangai burnt. Coz the leader chose not to listen to advisors and did his own thing

The great war of the Mahabharata
Between pandavas and duryodana.. another leader who never listened to advisors and did his own thing

Then history recorded

Nanking massacre
Holocaust
The despicable slave trade
Colonialism
Ww1
Ww2
And now today

Earth will survive. She is built to.
This earth will revolve for millions more years to come
With us or without
Most likely without
How shall we light out
Fire and fury
Or just an achoo
Not with a bang but a whimper

What can soothe my beating heart 
Whom can I turn to
Kids tell me
Devotional songs

Despicable

The most despicable speciman of man is now president of the United States and my blood is boiling

A category 4 hurricane is approaching the USA next week. The country witnessed a solar eclipse last week. While a solar eclipse is magnificent I believe in ancient lore it is a sign of ill omen. Possibly duryodana was born in an eclipse.

Even as these things happen in nature he unleashes several controversial plans over the weekend.
1. He's banned transgender people from enlisting
2. He's pardoned a judge who had been jailed for blatant racial profiling of Mexicans
3. Something else.
Oh and did I mention north korea rested more missiles recently ? And this guy said he'd release fire and fury if they were threatened. To which they replied they'd have an engulfing fire ready.

Maybe he thinks it's a joke.

He's a joke.  DEADLY Joke.

Why? Coz he's got nothing to lose. He's a billionaire.
He doesn't care about the country. He cares about himself.
So his enemies get the boot. Heck what good or bad that does to the country or the world.
So.. He doesn't like Muslims Blacks Mexicans and transgender people.
He thinks women are just there for his pleasure  and it's only her physical attractiveness to him that matters .

All this adds up.
He would have put up the Muslim bam if the courts hadn't ruled against him.

Country and world are in peril . I don't think the eclipse and hurricanes are a coincidence. Just saying.

Ode to a nightingale

Keats masterpiece. One of them anyway. I just read it today. So beautiful I read it three times. It appreciating it now.

Have resolved go teach kids poetry myself! They love it. Have planned poems for each kid of different lengths.

Classics
Like
Tiger tiger burning bright
Hawk roosting
The eagle
Little lamb
How doth the crocodile
Jabbwewocky
The panic bird

Oh almond tree

Sweet almond tree
That provided us such shade
In the simmering Sun
Boughs bent low
Over gentle lovers so
sweet repose
Watching the waves'
Ebb and flow
Meditating
On her gentle swell

Before life swelled
To bliss and busy joy
The golden arc
Of three sweet babes
over the next five years

Oh almond tree
You were my daffodils 
To visit me at quiet moments
A ball for the beating heart
In labour
And in love

I see you still
By that Sandy beach
Sheltering us
From the drowsy heat
Watching the waves shimmer on the horizon
All of my life waiting
For me

It is a blessing

It is a blessing
To be a minority
To know the slurs of racist tongues
For then we know what much of the world feels
We can understand empathise
And maybe not do the same

For those born into privilege
So much harder it is for them
To know the pains of the other .
To therefore be kinder
And speak up for them 

Fun phonics poems

Persona poem

They said I'll never make it
But here I am
At the top of the world

I just say what I want
And laugh at the party
Mopping up after me

I press a button
And boom kaboom
They take me seriously

At my age I can have any woman I want
Even my daughter
Pity she married trash

A woman got killed at the Ville
Fine people did it
Very fine people

They read my code
They see me smile
And poor pence
Can only say
Napoleon is always right
I shall work harder

And I laugh
I play this game
And I won't stop
Till America
Is white again 

They say
The sun hid his face coz of me
And Harvey blew harder than he meant to coz of me
That n.k. is aiming missiles at us
Coz of me

Wave those flags
Those hoods
That red symbol

America will be great again

Lessons

In this last week I have learnt a lot.
I need to stop asking how can people be like this believe this
Open my eyes and accept. There are people who believe this.
Then plan what I  can do in some small part to change this. I'm am educator. Tgis is my job . I am a citizen of this world. This is my responsibility
I have the benefit of having studied history and literature. I have a duty to call out racism .

If each of us does this. The world could change. For every misguided soul who believes people of a certain race or colour or religion or gender  is superior to another

Every person is deserving of dignity and respect. And that includes how we treat our foreign workers our domestic workers.

And end with words by Mandela
People have been taught to hate
They can be taught to love
For love comes more naturally than hate

my FB post 

So in this last week, I've learnt a lot. 

I've learnt not to exclaim, "How can people still believe in white supremacy", and accept, my gosh, there are people who actually believe in "white supremacy", that people of a certain race are superior to others. 

and with this acceptance comes a certain resolve, to do something about it, even if it as little as raising awareness and starting conversations about these tricky  matters.

I am educator, it is my duty. 

I am a parent, it is my duty. 

I have had the benefit of studying History and Literature, I have a duty to call out racism. 

Most of all, I am a citizen of this world, it is my duty, it is our duty, every single one of us. 

For every misguided soul who actually believes that one is superior to the other by virtue of their race, their religion, their colour, their gender, we need another 10 who say no! no one is superior to another. 

Every person is deserving of dignity and respect. That includes our foreign workers and domestic workers in Singapore. These things in Charlottesville are a just a shadow of what could happen anywhere. and I end this post quoting Obama who quoted Nelson Mandela. 

That “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

When you have a chance

When you have a chance to make a stand and you don't
Mike pence

People's president

People's president
Wants to make America white again
Heck cares the world
Has people explain away his actions his words

So disturbed

America Charlottesville  2017 August 11 and 12.
White supremacist rallies. Nazi symbols ! Just kill me ok.

And then. Sg. Racial harmony day. What a farce. A primary school parent complains how can school say kids can wear Filipino attire for racial harmony day.

Then of course US and n Korea exchanging war of words all coated in alliterative imagery. Threatening nuclear war.

Does America have a back up plan? Are they grooming their next leader or not?
This one. You can sense they all trying to explain his words his actions like we would when our four year old acts up. He's cranky . He's tired. What he means to say is....

Slaying dragons

You wanna know which Dragon I want to slay
It's the history dragon
The one that won't lie down and sink back to the filth it rose from

White dragons with white hoods 
red swastikas
Torches in hand 

That can still breathe fire
Today

Barely

70 years
after the end of the holocaust
50 years
after jim crow laws were abolished
20 years
after the end of the apartheid

One that rises from the ashes of filth and not

Not even a lifetime

Slay

Never again never meant never again
It just meant
Never not again

Slay him and he lies still for a few years
Then rears his fiendish head above the smouldering ashes
Spewing filth and smoking garbage
Trying to make it white again/ make America white again
Wash white wash history start fresh clean white and stamp on all others again and again and again
Let's stomp him out now and wait
He will rise again
Vile sneaking beneath our feel our heels
Snaking within our ribs and tickling our throats
Just wait
This dragon cannot be vanquished

White supremist rally
How on earth can anyone choose to be part of such a thing?
White supremacy. Rubbish. Garbage. Filth. Rottenst of the human heart on display

And now I know
Lack of education
Not everyone knows about the atrocity of the holocaust
Of what the swastikas meant

Or am I being naive
They know and believe in it?
That's more horrifying

White dragons with white hoods
With red swastikas
With torches in hand 

I want to slay
Forever

The one that dares to wear a white cloak and swastikas

Which  proudly ... proudly proclaim to be 
White supremacist

Breath without air

Just a beautiful book. Exploration of death.
Every day of life brings us closer to death
In a sense we are dying as soon as we are born

I wanna grow old with you

Saro my love
I want to grow old with you
A long time ago I said I love you more and more every day I know you
We've had ups and downs
But still I say
I love you more and more everyday
My sweet sweet love 

Another one bites the dust

FKannan and sham are likely migrating at the end of this year. They have found employment for him schools for them looking for rental places now
I was expecting this. So not as she'll shocked as I was when subair left
Still. I'm the only one here. Siva and us
I don't feel myslef exploring leaving as much now
My work is meaningful for me
Kids are happy
Maybe when they are in p6.
I mean I've wanted to live abroad for three years. I could do that with my PhD at some point.
What's with our system that is choking people out. Sending away great teachers and doctors and kids????

I'm feeling a bit numb to be honest.

So everyone leaves and I'm the only fool left here. Me and their parents. Instead of My Kids flying the coop it's my friends .

Shiva parvathy family

It's actually so modern the family

Murugan is born from Shiva' s third eye. Brought up by kirthika maidens till parvathy gathers the six babies on her hands embracing him and he becomes one. Not her child directly but Shiva's and she accepts him wholeheartedly.

Then she makes her own son from santhanam and breathes life into him. Her own son. And after a tussle ... Shiva accepts him as his son too whole heartedly.

Quite beautiful ya

If I knew

If I knew I had but a year to live
How would I live
What would i do

I may not do what i am doing now
I love lit
I love education
I love my kids

If I had a year to live
If quit work and live with my kids
Watch them grow

Health is so precious

America

America had the best people's president
They went three steps ahead (for them) and then 10 steps back

Elected a black president in 2008 and the most racist misogynist ignorant belligerent white president in 2016. Like to make up for the mistake of electing Barack.

Race skepticsm runs deep deep deep. U know I'm feeling all the more that that s the reason trump got in

When it was between Barack and Hillary Clinton... people chose the black man over the woman
When it was trump over hilary Clinton  people chose the white trash over the woman

1. People in America feel they still camt trust women over men to lead them
2. People still feel a white president will make America great again.

America was at its greatest when they elected a black president and now at it's lowest. Lowest. World standing confidence everything.

Grass

The grass and leaves crunch underfoot
Yesterday's rain was not enough to unbrown the grass

If the world were to end tomorrow

If the world were to end tomorrow
What would i like to be doing now
I'd want to gather around my kids
Play with them
Hug them close
And pray the end is swift and painless

Would I want them to survive without me
-pause-
Why yes
The human soul is primed towards survival

But what if I was leaving them in a nuclear wasteland
In love and kindness
I may wish them dead with me

How morbid

Then again
Maybe they will be heroes on a new world
How can I deny them that chance of life out of desire to save them from hardship ?

My thoughts on the book club

The book club was good. Informative. Not a book club but a lecture really.

However I can't help feeling we've squandered a chance to demonstrate good pedagogy the kind we want to see in our teachers. We missed a chance to demonstrate knowledge construction and the key role writing and dialogue can play .

I need to role model. So going to invite Debbie and su zhen and June and maybe kankan to view and participate and critique the session. To explore how it can be done differently from telling.

Growing old

We went to the old folks home yesterday. Chatted with two old folk. An elderly lady and an old man. The lady was really nice. I'm a bit creeped out by the man who kept getting me to feel his non existent biceps.

But what was in common was both reminiscing about their younger days and what they were then able to do. Now both are wheelchair bound.   Their stories are of the days when they used to do multiple no. When they supported their families. When they had the respect of people.

For the lady .. her name is papa ramasamy. She was a nurse. Used to live in a bungalow at 6th avenue. Has 10 kids and 13 grandkids. Was praised for her job by a white lady boss. Was invited to London but turned it down because her hubby cried that he couldn't manage the 10 kids himself.

For the guy.. He worked three jobs. Carried steel. Ran played badminton sports. He thinks he looks 30! He looks 50 plus or 60. He's 68.

I like that lady. She referred to me as her daughter. They just like having people to talk to. To have their lives matter.  

All I want to say to my friend

My best friend is expecting her first baby and I have so much I want to say to her

She's the best friend anyone could have. Fiercely loyal trustworthy funny adventurous strong .

She just got married two years ago. To a sweet Dutchman. I'm so proud of her. Her mum was trying to arrange a marriage for her and she gamely went with the whole slew of meeting guys . Am so so so happy she found her sweetheart. 

Now she's expecting her baby. I'm super duper excited. It's going to be so different for her as it was for all of us. I want to tell her it's going to be so fun so exciting and so very unpredictable and complicated . Let her know it's not easy. As a mum my god you have to bear with a world  of unsolicited advice! People making you feel you are less important than the baby you carry. It's a world of responsibility and also worry. Endless worry. A gushing of love like nothing before. The kids.. they become your world and you want to pull back from it too coz you know they will leave you one day that you have to let them go too.
Where you worry about the kinds of people you bring into the world. Where you get used to waking up every 2 hours  for the first few months.

It's amazing and scary and draining and rewarding all at the same time
The pride you feel for them the hurt you feel for them the blinding griping scorching love you feel for them and sometimes the crazy anger you feel at them!

Please God protect her and bless her.

Being late

Being late
For work
For dinner
For parties I organise
It's so normal

Carrot cake

My additions
Ginger
Apple cider vinegar
Chia seeds
Change white sugar to brown sugar

Boring waste of time

Want to sleep sleep sleep

Cdc questions

Why principles separate from eye

Poetry compulsory be wary of sentiments of teachers

Why not set text poetry instead of unseen poetry

Where is the interrogation of human condition in the eye

Why text at the centre not human condition or students

Will students be encouraged to recite poetry

Gpa

I rush you around
Floating markets
Where do birds go
Sestina
In my world?

Happy Tuesday

God answers prayers

Kevin

IOkay re reading Kevin now
Seeing it new light
I always just read it as a narrative
I found relief in the boy's diabolic nature. The four extremes of character.
One evil
One innocent
One foolish and blind
One prescient

Made it easier to read than if it was all life like

But today I'm reading it for craft too
And I see and wonder about Eva as a narrator

Totally one sided. For all we know things were never like that except to her. That was the only way she could make sense of things. To paint her family in such stark ways. She's the most admirable character of the lot. At least have had her suspicions. And she's saintly for not having left much earlier. So... yeah something not right but it's okay. It is from her perspective.

I am also wondering about to what extent were they responsible for what he became ?
Sure kids can be naturally spiteful and malicious and intelligent and cold
But upbringing ?
They seem to let him be. Potty training. Coarse language. And one harsh and one stupid parent not backing each other up

Also the role of faith of having to beleive in something bigger

Trump won't last two years

He won't complete even half his term

Reflections on women's roles in the mahabharatha

Limited room within which to manoeuvre
Why should an unwed mother be a source of shame to her family
Why pin that on women
That if they get raped get kids it's shameful for the girl and her family?

Why should a man whose mother had a baby out of wedlock not be given equal privileges

The burden of chastity lies with the girl. Those are accepted as non negotiable. So within those boundaries she must make the best of what she gets.

Kunti. Didn't have kids from hubby anyway. At that point she could have said I have another child born the same way.

And why is chastity associated with purity ? Pure of heart I understand. But chastity = purity. Why?

Women as property.

Belonging to the husband. Lost at dice like money and property. Drupadi.

Kunti again. Screwed from the beginning. So didn't acknowledge karna because of shame that would befall the other 5. Why should that be the case at all?

Then son curses mother to never keep secrets. But she did till the rnd. Is he saying better if she had said that at all?

Plus where is woman's choice in matter concerning their bodies their lives
Draupadi wanted only arjunaforced to sleep with 5 men with renewable virginity

Wanted to think of herself as unchained to useless gambling husband but not accepted.
Given a boon that she will eat only after all the men eat

When she wanted arjuna she had to insult Karna. Otherwise no choices given to her.

You know the more I read religious texts o see a conspiracy across history and religions to subjugate women. It's been a hard upward struggle. But still. I tell myself. These religious texts were written by men in a time when it was societal norms for women to be subjugated. History is written by victors. And religious texts by the powerful genderwise at that time. I mean who had access to education to the ability to read and write then?
It's easy to withold access to education and then say only men are educated and therefore superior. It's a scam. A conspiracy.

So then how to have a relationship with God? Direct. My heart to god. No books to tell me my place in society. Just me and him. Love trust total and complete surrender. I yearn to and strive to do this with god. Not with men. Om shakthi om namashivayam

I find myself very conscious of who I am as am Indian woman

YI find myself very conscious of myself as an Indian woman before strangers

Conscious of
- to whom I may appear attractive to (usually Indian guys and maybe Malay guys)
-Who will be indifferent to how I look (usually Chinese guys)
-Who may find me faintly repulsive (very few Chinese women)

Indian women may see me and smile in camaraderie . Some may judge me haha- where's her thali?

Malay women... I dunno

Such generalisations these are.

I was out once.
Not a date but I somehow ended up at borders next to a classmate - tall good looking Chinese guy. I was pointing out to him whom I thought was attractive. I can't remember all whom I pointed to but there must have been one or two Indian women among them
I will never forget his remark. Very apologetically rendered. 
"I'm quite traditional.  I'm only attracted to Chinese girls"

Maybe he thought I was coming on to him and he was trying to gently warn me off. I say most resolutely I wasn't Haha! In fact I just had this epiphany as I'm writing it .

I was taken aback by his I'm traditional and only find Chinese women attractive. So no miss world pageants for him. No wonder so many Chinese here don't know Aishwarya Rai. Only Indians and Malays do for what she represented was international acceptance of Indian women as beautiful.

This episode happened after 1994 by the way. When she won.  

So while I can see beauty in Chinese Indian and Malay men and women ... to a large part of society here.. educated mind you.. I and other Indian women don't even  exist as possible icons of beauty.

And so paradoxically I feel quite safe wandering around knowing most Chinese guys wouldn't care twice about me. But I may be objectified by the much fewer Indian and Malay men. Which is better. To be objectified or be invisible? A non entity
Such limited options apparently.

And so. This experience above is not unique to me but also unknown to many men for instance may never know what it means to feel objectified all the time. To feel unsafe sexually to always have in mind where it's safe to walk to consider the implications of what you wear... these are female fears men can't fully understand unless they live in a woman's world  this is a man's world unfortunately. Haha.

And then I'm Indian
.7% Only in this country. 3.5% if you take away the men.

No wonder I said earlier on I said I feel I'm fighting minority battles on many grounds. An Indian . Woman. Advocate if literature in a Chinese majority man's world that values only English language.

Singapore on the brink

Singapore... is on the brink of something
Increased self policing on one hand
Increased self expression on the other. Self here refers to the nation as self not just individuals

Reflections on a handmaid's tale

A woman's worth is based on her ability to produce babies.
This is not new. That's what makes it so disturbing.
You see it in the tudors. King Henry desperate to have a son discards his wives when they don't conceive sons.
A whole new church was created then.

And Indian women no need to say. Our bodies aren't out own at least traditionally.
Even for me I felt more accepted by my mum in law after kids arrived
So I started wondering... was my self worth based on my being able to have kids?

But no. I have always loved children. It's also a natural instinct to want to have babies. Survival of the fittest and all.
But i won't go so far to say to not want kids is unnatural.
See it's good of some don't want kids. That too is natural  A small way of balancing the order in nature the number of people on earth.

My heart always goes out to those who want kids but can't yet have them given my personal experience .

So handmaid's tale. What is a woman's worth? A recurring theme in sci fi novels is to swing extra religious and into modes of extreme denial of pleasure following a time of binging on pleasure and excess. Surely the message is to preach moderation in all things including faith.  

Pig in wig

There was a little pig
Who wore a yellow wig
He started on his dig
And did a happy jig

There was a little goat
Who wore a pretty coat
She sat in her boat
And sailed around the moat

There was a little cat
Who wore a velvet hat
She lay on her straw mat
And never chased a rat

There was a little pup
Who had a purple cup
He asked his friend to sup
And never did give up

There was a young raccoon
Who set off for the moon
She took off in June
And hopes she'll be there soon.

There was a lady bug
Who had a silver mug
She poured juice from a jug
And lay back on her rug

There was a bumble bee
Who wore a flashy tee
He flew up to me
And said you forgot your key!

There was a little snake
Who really loved to bake
He made a chocolate cake
But dropped it in the lake!

There was a little hen
Who loved to hold a pen
Her friends gave her ten
She decided  to go zen

There was a little sheep
He climbed a hill so steep
He never made a peep
He just fell fast asleep

My children 's books of phonic rhymes!!! A draft

Goat in a boat

There was a little goat
Who wore a pretty coat
She sat in a boat
And sailed around the moat!!!

Food

Avocado toast for millennial babies
Beetroot burgers turn me red
Carrot cakes with walnuts
Durian puffs perfume meeting rooms
Eggplant mousakka
F

Smooth

I love the smooth machinations of my country
The double escalators from the first doors of the cabin at morning peak hour ... the bold clear arrows signalling how to line up
The clear persistent polite voices of the mrt heralders herding people to the centre of the car with their voice..  knowing we listen to loud kindly patient firm voices ... we like being told what to do.

The lush forests in cool comfort with no bugs
We have perfected the art
Of keeping the best
Pruning the rest

Am I setting up such a machine too? 

I read it again . Can you beleive it. I was called a poet yesterday

Applaud the poet.
Haha
That was me!

I wrote a cool poem that I enjoyed writing.
And I read a poem I I had wanted to read.

And a few sweet people actually cheered for me.

Life is good. Haha.

In my universe

In my universe
I see
Shiva smear ash as he prepares his dance

In my universe
I see him
Flick the 7 and 1/2 planets to their designated places

In my universe
I see him
lift his blue green jewel
Encase it in bubble wrap
And place it Precisely
Third from the sun, watching it with his third eye

Blue

Did you know
Earth is only as strong as it's atmosphere
That we live in a literal bubble
That asteroids and meteorites are zooming past our blue green planet and just bouncing off the atmosphere

And that
It's so cold up there in Uranus / Neptune
That if you fell you would shatter into a millions shards of blue ice before you not the blue seas of liquid methane

Blue shards of ice
On blue oceans of methane
Set the planet Neptune aglow

On planet Neptune burn oceans of blue methane
Here earth is awash in blue green oceans with salt
One to freeze and shatter you
One to work with you . It can kill you.
Oceans awash in silt and salt and liquid gas
All just one universe

Shiva smears blue ash as he dances his cosmic dance 

and the planets fly to their designated spaces

he twirls earth 

Kids get me each time

Today Ashwin said " aatha I want to wake up at 5 o clock and  go for a walk with you to find dew drops!"

Awww

And my sweet daughter says she wants to learn about systems.. which system the voice box belongs to... why some can't speak! When I asked her why this interest she said she wants to know why shriya our neighbour can't speak

Poisonous calculativeness

A beautiful fun night of fun
Spoiled by a petty argument over the worst of devils money
When i didn't k ow I was clueless and happy go lucky about money
Didn't feel it didn't know
Earned and spent happy happy

And then I saw
I knew and the seed was planted
I am paying more per month for the family

Why should I
Has he planned it this way
That horrible story I read. Was there truth in it in my own family.
Is he so calculative
That he will refuse to pay for things he seems is mine to pay

The horrible seed grew and grew
I watered it with fears and jealousies
And then
It all burst out

And I have been blind to all the good things he does and pays for
I've made his aware and scared of this monster within me

I realise I had a lot of assumptions
And a lot of competing beliefs fighting within me
Like I had assumed he was paying  more per month
That he would
That the man's role is that.
But that does not gel with my personal goal of self sufficiency.
So then I guess I want fairness
But there can be no fairness in a marriage
One party should and will do more than the other in one or more areas
In those households where the man pays for all the woman does most of the housework
So..
I need to take deep breaths and go back to my old self. The caring "lavish self" who earned and spent without thought.

What I want to be when I grow up

My kids were discussing what they want to be when they grow up. Thr6 had a wide range of beautiful things . Including wall painter dancer .
Then my three year old asked me what I want to be when I grow up.
And I'm charmed and thrilled that she thinks I can still grow up ! And i give it a go. Okay a writer. A pianist. A painter.

Lessons from my children

So you know the four questions right . My son is very very annoyed by me offering him options when he pauses or jumps to most recent experiences.
He said so clearly to me " you are not letting me think when you answer the questions"!!!!
Slap slap slap for me! What I'm telling other not to do I'm doing myself!

Oceans

On planet Neptune burn oceans of blue methane
Here earth is awash in blue green oceans with salt
One to freeze and shatter you
One to work with you . It can kill you.
Oceans awash in silt and salt and liquid gas
All just one universe

Melt melt heart

My two kutty babies made my heart melt today.

I'm not wel.havemt been well for 4 days now so have sleeping apart from them.

The littlest one asked me today

Are you sick aatha
Will you make me sick if I hug you
But I love you so much I want to hug you!

Then my son came back from grandma's house. First he beamed to see I was still awake. Then he said
I don't mind being sick aatha please hug me! Akshaya and aishu don't want to fall sick so don't hug thwm. I don't mind so please hug me!!!

My sweetie cutie pies!!!!

Ruminations

Let me now ruminate upon the force if atmosphere to keep meteorites out but nothing beneath to protect ourselves from bombs on earth.

God gave us atmosphere
To keep in heat and warmth
To keep out wildly flying projectiles of rocks and stones. Meteorites that could easily annihilate a country ,  A continent. He gave us brains to protect ourselves from self destruction within the enclosure of atmosphere
Alas. We could not use those brains for protection.  Only daft destruction . And so we proceed to blast holes in our planet ourselves . As God shakes his head. Thinking. Is this why I enclosed you in bubble - to keep you safe from projectiles without while you self abhiliate within! Perhaps it's time to start over. Back to the drawing board for me

These flying debris create craters on a regular basis on other planets ... but not earth.

The ideal lit classroom

What do you envision as the ideal lit classroom?
Is it one where the students are in neat rows listening and copying attentively as the teacher tells students the meaning of the text?

Or would it be one where the teacher and students are engaged in robust discussion on interpretations of the text?

For most of us wr may say the second though we may fall back to the first more often than not.

The 2019 syllabus challenges us to take the first step towards creating the exciting and invigorating learning experience described in the latter.

It is one where students are actively engaged , interrogating the text

The moon

The moon now pale as
clouds in the sky, crystal cut
showing half it's face

The moon rises now
pale as the clouds,crystal cut
Showing half its face.
Drop by drop rain falls slowly,
I gather my thoughts, write poetry.

Drop by drop rain falls slowly,
I gather my thoughts, write poetry.
Night darkens the clouds...
Smouldering embers or now
Ruby tinged, the moon glows

Drop by drop rain falls slowly,
I gather my thoughts, write poetry.
Night darkens the clouds...
The moon glistens, ruby tinged,
A curved flame overhead

Drop by drop rain falls slowly,
I gather my thoughts, write poetry.
Clouds smudge the dark night...
Incandescent the moon glows
Ruby tinged , alive

Drop by drop rain falls slowly,
I gather my thoughts, write poetry.
Clouds smudge the dark night
Incandescent like the moon;
My thoughts -  ruby-tnged.

JJ haiku

Just say:  Sim J J
Think - Circles, Ecosystems
See... the S L S

Just say:  Sim J J
Think - Circles, Ecosystems
Do... the S L S

Just say:  Sim J J
Think - Circles, Ecosystems
Feel.. the S L S

Think. the Sim J J
Feel. Circles, Ecosystems
Do. the S L S

Think. Of Sim J J
Feel. Circles, Ecosystems
Do. the S L S

Inspired by Janet

Legs short and stumpy
Brains overcompensating
You inspire me
Or
You are sim j  j

Thank uou for the great time I had

Thank you for
The great time
I had

Now it is time
To say farewell

Or

Sg secure training
Let's build that dream
That we can be "secure"

Let's definen"secure" shall we
It's a feeling of being safe
Where can we feel safe?

At home 
Our on the street
On social media

We fear saying the wrong thing
What we say could get us arrested

Window

A window onto a window

A woman,  her hair bunned up high 
Sips tea in her blue sleeveless dress
The pink flowers on her dress blooming next to her garden plants

She steps back and is gone behind the cream pleated curtain
Window now reflects only the window again

A man now appears his dhoti ruffled white
He glances down to study his plants
Maybe missing the one that just went inside

He melts behind the pleaded curtain too

Poems to write

Wander in nature hear the sounds
Look out of the window
Write about a historical event or person or place
Email header poem

In all this chaos is there space for stillness and beauty ?

2 I missed earlier on and will not be likely writing

I had fun

So for a few hours.. I had fun
Different from what I've had in awhile
Like re discovering yourself a little
And just for a little while
I was a girl again a woman
Not a wife not a mum
Just a girl being a poet 😀

I could do this again maybe

And
After like ages
I feel I have new friends
That s nice too

And
I like having this other side to me
That people at work may not know
That even my close friends do not know
Yeah. I like that too.

Ashwin and akshaya' s poems

I looked up at the sky and saw
The golden shining moon
It was eating berry yogurt
With a rainbow spoon

I saw the blazing burning Sun
It was having so much fun
Eating a chocolate currant bun

Faithless translations

Google translate does amazing faithless translations! Just try typing in  Tamil to see.

Chasing lights

Prose poem

Darting spurts of neon delight in pursuit of the elusive shell ahead. Who will make the catch tonight? Shades of blue will make shady boys. Hues in pink will result in twirly girls. And the yellows and greens will make great  inbetweens.

Pinpricks of colour in the distance fade.  Has a catch been made - only this question remains. In nine months time all shall know. Was it the blue the pink or the bright yellow?

Big splash

Big splash
The slides in yellow blue and green
You were there way before
Wet wet wild and now places at sentosa

These new ones are nice but theybcamt match the gloss of memory of big splash

After all I will never be 10 again in a blue and white striped swim suit eager and excited to go there my anticipation tripling when I catch my first glimpse of the triple coloured slides towering ahead

The rush of excitement the gorging on kfcfinger licking good waiting for the good forever and believing your father as He says the food takes time coz they have to catch the chicken first

Nothing can match the gloss of that memory .

Big splash

You great towering icon you
In roaring yellow ultramarine blue and vicious red (Vicious because you once tore the pants of my one piece at age 10.)

You roared your own then. No fancy WWW to steal your thunder. Sentosa was just an island with a wax museum. You? on the hand ... at the coast with colour  pouring from above

Maybe you became worn out
Maybe those colours faded in the glaring Sun
But... Nothing comes close to the gloss of memory ... when i was 10 wearing a black and white striped swimsuit... you were my Sunday treat of the month! The drive there seemed so long until I caught the crest of your colours and then I'd be hopping to get out .
And then... after you there was God old colonel waiting for us with crispy chicken that was finger lickin good.
Your fall was inevitable I guess.
In singapore you learn not to get attached to places
To store memories in the mind and not in stone and bricks
Teaches you to be zen this place. No attachments . Just memories.

Income and expenses

Goodness.
Just realised yesterday that I earn 8500 and I spend 8500! Clean! Of that 8500 about 3800 goes into forced  savings and kids accounts. But still!
And my household exp see is 6k! See is is about 4! Hmph.

But it's okay. He pays for our holidays and stuff. So we are on par kootikalichupaartha

Next steps

1. Find out exactly how much we are spending on various insurance and investment policies

2. Plan to settle home loan as much as we can

3. Then invest liquid cash rather than let It lie in the bank

First crush 2

Once a week at Sinda class
You and I would meet
Timing our trips to the water cooler
To sip and whisper nothings

You would say something clever
Minutes, hours,  and years later
I'd be rehearsing what I should have said instead of standing goldfish mouth agape

You slipped me a note one sweet Tuesday
Wanna go steady? You scrawled.
I nodded, my two plaits bobbing in time
I floated home that day

I lay on my pillow, smiling into air
Rehashing the note and nod all night
When I woke I wanted to shout out loud
I'm not who I was yesterday morning now!

And we went steady

We courted for two years
just smiling at each other at the water cooler
The occasional walk home together
Palms near but never touching

The other's words echoing in our ears all the way home
The little gifts at Valentine's day
A tune up piano
I still cherish today

At 17,   I met another
Daring and bold
I wanted to hold his hands
But first... I had to break the fragile bind that held us still

That Valentine's day, our annual date
We exchanged gifts
You pronounced your unending love in a card
I gave you a "this isn't working"  letter

A note to start and a note to end it all end it all

My chaste first crush
I see you  now with your two kids
As I tow my two along
Life has surely moved on

Our romance as fleeting and pleasing
As a rainbow in a cloudy sky
So sweet because it lasts only so long
You will ever be my gentle first crush, So long.