Out if my depth

Fear.
Disappointment
Regret
Anger

These are the feelings I'm having now. 
Yesterday I git my mum to take ashwin to class and back again
He stayed the night and she didn't go to church 

This morning morning left the baby with the maid while we went temple. 

I don't like that
I saw the allure if helping in  the temple. It is nice. Felt good

But I can't take care of my own kids. Getting my parents to look after mine on weekends too is just too tough on them

So I will reduce or stop.
I Iwill I will not commit or agree to such things easily .
I can understand saros eagerness to help now better.
Okay.  

When I feel

When I feel overwhelmed
I need to turn to god
I feel she would gladly let lit die if push comes to shove its the way she's always been
El is more important
I don't think so
I think El is important yes
But not more so than lit
But heck all these dirty politics
I can fly and float with God
He will bring me down when I get too cocky
He will steer me when I go awry
I just have to still down and turn to god
And he will lift me up!

Cruelty

What particular brand of cruelty is this

To bring a caged bird to the park
Hang the cage on a tree branch
Watch it (fly? jump? hop?) towards the leaves,  bark, wood just inches out of its reach
Only to bang its head against the gilded grills
Hear it cry its frustration and confusion 
And praise its song as pure music in wooded glades ?

Genius

I have a genius on the team

I must make full use of his brains his wide breadth of knowledge in diverse fields such as cognitive learning theory motivation linguistics and literature

How lucky am I

I have a team willing to tell me where things won't work. Willing to work with my idiosyncratic style.

I am  blessed so.

I missed rani and Janet.  But they may not have missed being here. I think rani would have enjoyed it. I cant be sure.

But. Janet doesn't tell me she's not going to be around . I find that... intriguing.  Many options.
Doesn't want to tell me
Scared I'll give her work to do or give her a hard time
Doesn't think it important or necessary to tell me
Feels bad to tell me
Could be anything else too..
I worry about my impressions of her too. That I'm starting to believe what I've been told about her ages and ages ago
But
I stuck by her
And it paid off
Will continue to.
Not suck up to her. Bemoan her absence . Just. When she's there get the most from her.
Really starting to feel I can't entrust her with things. That's a bit sad.
But will stay professional and objective.
I suspect she would have preferred not coming last week but I changed  things to accommodate her.
So be it.
I trust God more than anything
I've also learnt when you love someone you trust them. You don't seek to control them.
So be it.
And never take things personally or take myself or my project too seriously.
And trust God always.
I think today's meeting was good with five committed and Interested people
More people would have made it longer.

Yacht party

So we had a surprise party for saro  yesterday and it was a big bash on the yacht!
Whiskey and bbq and birthday cake and noodles and sparkling juice. 
Warm sea water in the falling light
Swimming in the sea with kids and family in life jackets each having fun and lookin out for the other.
I jumped into the sea.
And swam a very small bit without the life jacket.  Was pretty awesome. 
Made a few mistakes. A bigger boat would have helped ensure my mum could come.  She's my hero. She didn't come to save me embarrrasement.
I'm so blessed.
We saw the ocean currents too!
I really wanna do a tinman trip next. With aadhi and karthi and company