Harvey weinstein urgh

such a monster who raped and sexually assaulted so many women.  

coming out against gum started the #metoo movement 

from 2017 so many allegations 

not the only ones

I dunno

I talk to sham and find she is harboring dark thoughts all-out marriage 

I talk to nalla and she too is sad, unable to talk to him living so restricted a life

for me 

you know

I love him 

he is making an effort 

I should reciprocate 

I'm happy he thought of asking me to dinner

just that I had already made plans 

and I needed him to be home with the kids 

one is down

the other bogged down

how could we have gone

but I like the thought 

and perhaps next week we can

this sat I must go out early to buy that bread for my baby

mixed feelings

saro is back but not yet fully

I don't know what to feel

am I supposed to be super grateful he turned up yesterday 

guess I could be

he had other things that he must have cancelled

wish he could have been more attentive to her party and been more willing earlier though

but I'm being unfair 

After all I've always known his true priorities regardless of what he pays lip service to. 

I'm sounding bitter

I don't want to

I want to be grateful and happy and bounce on present joys without regret or resentment for past or future 

and I can 

I just saw grass on a roof of a bus

surely that can only make me smile! 

and earlier flowers so shockingly pink on a green tree 

again I can only marvel at such beauty

and thank god for a lovely party 

he and I hugged on valentines day . that was last Monday. 

since then nothing. 

oh well. 

.and I've been making plans. planning dates for his birthday 

and suggested we meet for coffee on Thursday after my yoga

let's see 

I'll make some effort. but not have any hope or expectations.

hardest deal ever

but I'll try and keep trying and I will be happy

After all I can't quite forget or forgive unfortunately the slight he gave me last anniversary and soon after at the walk a jog

I am always low on his priorities. 

but it's ok..he shall be low on mine too. 

I will not speak about this

he will feel helpless

he can't change the way he feels

I have to do the dignified thing 

and find joy everywhere I can

in nature

in writing 

in my parents 

in my kids 

in my friends 

in books

in music 

in movies 

in God

I am sooooo blessed to have so many things to give me joy

cheers 

grr. I hate him in the temple. always so torn. says he will pick up aishu then asks hopefully if he can be excused 

how am I supposed to trust him

he doesn't understand the effect his qn have on my already tender line of trust I have with him

he is the most reliable man in the temples.

but at home? need reminder after reminder for things . 

sigh. 

can't say anything 

just accept

accept accept 

zen

ohm 

shantih shantih shantih he

After note 

1. Good I didn't say anything. he showed me the book he had overseen publication of for temple. Shakthi. beautiful! and sooo much effort from him. quiet. silent. I was very humbled. it would have been awful if I had whined . 

2. he did ask me out on a Thursday! but i had already made plans. Still... there is hope! 

valentines day

why is it such a big deal

sigh

I don't want flowers only to be disappointed 

I want a man who stays home

who is around when I turn around to say something 

to laugh with me at my kids antics

and feel proud with me when they do something incredible which is pretty much everyday 

somebody for me to be bored with 

not the occasional appearer 

such that dinner with him present is itself a reason to celebrate 

.

eggless

I'm so glad I bake eggless as a normal

and that we regularly go eggless as part of fruit diets or prayers 

I have always known I will go eggless one day been vegetarian 8 years now touch wood. 

this year in pillayar kovil I felt it. now was the time. 

and I feel happy .

I saw a fisherman hold up a lobster with thousands of eggs and letting her go so she could have her babies

and that strengthened my resolve. that eggs are to be left alone

they are future life, they rep potential 

how can I eat them before they even take life. 

of course eggs sometimes are unfertalised but still. how could we know. each egg rep life that could be  

and now I will eat less junk haha as most baked goodies like croissants etc have egg . I'm glad not have them and to try to make things myself if I want! 

things to make me smile

today I was at the tailors. he took my measurements and I was confirming the blouses I wanted. then i asked if he did paavadai thavani he said yes 

I said oh good ill bring my daughter. 

and he said your daughter? hahahah

I was so happy and he was so embarrassed we both laughed and I said thanks. 

later he said to please bring my daughter. 

I'm happy.! he was quite shocked I had a daughter old enough to wear thavani. yay! it's the Levis tee and jeans lah. but yay. and maybe the butterfly earrings. and nervousness haha

knowledge

she lay beside me as I slumped over

After a long day at work

her voice carried energy as she talked to me about biology 

we learnt about osmosis she said

I perked up. I liked osmosis. 

then she said something about slices of potato in a petri dish

I sat up even more.

petri dish. I was hearing the word now, some thirty years later  

she talked some more but i was stuck with those two musical sciency words 

osmosis in a petri dish 

I said later maybe if we lay side by side

arms touching 

her bio knowledge could pass to me by osmosis 

my bed the petri dish 

I was joking 

but she turned my suggestion over carefully and said she wasn't sure 

is knowledge solid or liquid 

and I was struck 

by the notion 

knowledge could be solid

comforting 

yet malleable 

did knowledge take the shape of the container? 

here was a mystery 

why dies the text disappear

I can't think a line at a time

I need to see what's before me

does this only happen at the end of a page

dumb blogger

serangoon road

44 years living here

and not once have I yet just chilled and relaxed in serangoon road

my daughter comes for drama class here now

and I have an hour and half to my leisure here 

and what a pleasure it is! 

the scents, of sambrani and oodhupathi, the tamil film songs a different one every few shops, the shops selling flowers, bangles, pottu,

the vegetables laid out array after array of leafy greens, pinks of pomergranates, bags of onion, ripe red tomatoes... 

I buy some vegetables and the vegetable seller adds a generous sprig of coriander leaves ans curry leaves and makes me smile

I feel home and happy here. 

Tamil lettering for the shops

smiling faces at every turn

the saree donning mannequins s in window glasses 

I can't believe I'm describing my home like a tourist 

but I've always seem serangoon road functionally 

a place together things and then leave

but now I am soaking it in here

and loving in

today I stepped into the first shop I thought would sell matchboxes which I needed badly for my altar at home. The good man had no change for my 50 so I left to get flowers at the next shop

then I step back in and realise I have stumbled into a bookshop! imagine my delight 

there are shelves and shelves of books, mostly in tamil. I can read the titles and I probably can read the text but I don't. I just drink innthe titles and then pick a few books in English and an assessment in tamil for my eldest! 

but what a joy.

I step into the Indian heritage centre to wait the remaining hour and I love the pictures here of thaipusam and deepavali and ponggal display and so much more...

like I said it's like I'm discovering home despite having lived here all my life.