talk

I talked with my best friend today about things that bothered me

and I feel better now

she is thousands of miles away in a different continent different timezone

but she was there for me

and I feel better now

I need to talk to him

tell him how I feel

ask him for some time 

and hope I don't make things worse 

how do we live with almost no expectations ? 

rubiks

3 by 3

white Cross first 

then white corners 

flip upside down 

long tees topple 

again and again

2nd row done

yellow Cross now

feed the fish 

yellow face mixed 

to solve it

twist and turn 

a little more

you are done! 

 

Roger federer

Federer retiring and the world's reaction to his retirement bring tears to my eye

he is a sporting legend and a gentleman

like my balasubramaniam

a singer and a gentleman. 

Federer is the reason I started watching tennis and playing more tennis

my husband and I used to stay up late and watch the 4 opens together. so Federer and tennis were ways for us to bond and remind me of my early happy days of marriage 

then we had a baby and we xoyld still watch but less and then they started charging and saro ever practical decided to not subscribe coz with a baby We don't have much time anyway and so my watching declined drastically.  its not the same reading about beautiful games in the papers so its always with a touch of nostalgia and sadness I think about tennis. payment and an overly practical husband marred my enjoyment of Federer for many more years. 

thinking back I could have made stronger decisions myself as I would now

for now we are partners more than lovers. less dependency. 

anyway

so Federer retiring feels like an ending of many things  . 

glad I watched some of his games at least. I watched Nadal come on and face him and both compete and be friends. I watched djikovich come on too and become the great three. now there are 2.. 

farewell Federer. thank you for the game 

mothering

what is it to mother and why do I do it

writing this makes me realise mother is just one letter short of smother. a thin line To stay on the right side of mothering without crossing over to paranoid over controlling freaks we can all become

are mothers mothers when they have a child

or is there something more

must there be a desire to spend time with them, play with them be young with them revel in all that we learn and learn again with them

to love unconditionally without expectations 

to watch them grow up to not need you but want your company nevertheless 

to see them watching you watch them wanting you to watch them but not showing it

it's joy and pain and love and pain and joy again all over 

building a life

what does it mean to build a life

of books

memories 

friends 

partnerships 

44 years and I'm blessed 

yesterday was my kind of fav evening 

I'm the boss

and I'm letting my kids have fun 

my way

pizza and books 

but I know I must build for a future without them 

they will have their own lives and still be part of mine

but won't revolve around me

and I round them

coffee, conversations, books, music, writing, devotion, studies in history and literature, ... I think I'll be OK. 

I need to find bolsters to sleep with! now my kids are my bolsters 

to love but not too much 

thats a balancing act to ever aspire to

painting wind

the wind is painting today 

the condo pool it's canvas 

normally so still

today the water is dancing

as the wind has its way

sending ripples northeast

when the whimsy wind takes a new fancy

and the water ripples northwest too

converging to create shimmering domes. 

and now the rain drizzles its share

and the canvas bubbles in concentric circles, overlapping

not content the wind lifts the leaves and flowrs off the nearby trees

f lings then in the water too

so now the blue  has  yellow and orange highlights 

and then she puffs up her chest and sends a whoosh from the East

so the water rises and folds in waves

rushing to kiss the shore 

I'm walking round and round reveling 

as the wind paints on me too

shifting my hair one way, my shirt the next

raindrops stud me with diamonds

as I drink in nature's art

on my condo pool.

a scruffy mynah comes out once

cockspur its head at the sky

as if to check if more rain is on its way

then makes up its mind and flies straight up to shelter a roof

now the surface lifts like a blanket

rippling northeast

pool window painting

the wind is painting today 

the condo pool it's canvas 

normally so still

today the water is dancing

as the wind has its way

now the surface lifts like a blanket

rippling northeast

when the whimsy wind takes a new fancy

and the water ripples northwest too

converging to create new designs

and now the rain drizzles its share

and the canvas bubbles in concentric circles, overlapping

oh look the wind picks up send now the water lifts in waves 

to kiss the shore

I'm walking around, round and round the pool, reveling as the wind paints on me too

shifting my hair one way

as raindrops stud me with diamonds

as I drink in nature's art

on my condo pool.

a scruffy mynah comes out once

cockspur its head at the sky

as if to check if more rain is on its way

then makes up its mind and flies straight up to shelter a roof

daughter by Carol Ann Duffy

DAUGHTER

Your mother’s daughter, you set your face

to the road

that ran by the river; behind you, the castle,

its mute ballroom,

lowered flag. Stoic, your profile a head on a coin,

you followed the hearse

through sorrow’s landscape- a farmer, stood

on a tractor,

lifting his tweed cap; a group of anglers

shouldering their rods.

And now the villagers, silently raising

their mobile phones.

Then babies held aloft in the towns, to one day

be told they were there.

But you had your mother’s eyes, as a horse ran free

in a field;

a pheasant flared from a hedge

like a thrown bouquet;

journeying on through a harvest of strange love.

How they craned to glimpse their lives again

in her death; reminded

of Time’s relentless removals, their own bereavements,

as she passed.

The uplift of the high bridge over a dazzle of water;

a sense of ascending

into anointing light which dissolved into cloud.

Nine more slow grey miles to the Old Town; the last mile

a royal mile,

where they gathered ten-deep as your mother showed you

what she had meant.

Nightfall and downpour near London. Even the motorways paused;

thousands of headlights in rain

as you shadowed her still; smatterings of applause

from verges and bridges.

Soon enough they would come to know this had long been

the Age of Grief;

that History was ahead of them. The crown of ice melting

on the roof of the world.

Tonight, childhood’s palace; the iPhone torches linking back

to medieval flame.

So you slowed and arrived with her, her only daughter,

and only her daughter.

baby's world

He lies on his stomach

inching forward to grab his ball,

the chaos of faces in the hall

the mass of hands

that pass him one to the other,

forgotten.

He looks into her eyes 

sees all of him in each.

She bobs her head at him,

he gurgles back. 

All is well for he is with her.

Only she knows his cry that means

he is hungry,

     his tummy wants a raspberry 

          he needs a nap.

He could stay here all day all night

with her, his world.

what is love

I am starting to realise 

that maybe the purest more primal kind of love there is, is thst between parents and children 

and we try to reclaim that love in all our other relationships too unknowingly 

After the slapstick jokes are done between friends and the burning passion cools between lovers

we just want to be cherished loved cared for by the other as a kids wants to be loved by the parent. maybe specifically mother. 

have you seen a baby with its mother? 

the whole world is the mother. it gurgles because it is near the Mon cries when it wants its mum

smiles when he is near her

we don't light up the life of another being as much as a mother dies for her child 

purest with least expectations too

and then as we grow and experience the tugs of war between life and ourselves we fluctuate and clumsily try to recreate that bond.  unconditional love. a feeling that this person has your back no matter what . with the other people whose lives we cross. 

a night of music

I am so happy about yesterday 

2 lows and 3 highs

I can feel sad and also happy

the happy

1. My dad loved it. this was not quite what I expected. he was awake the whole time, beating time to the rhythm and I realise I have not seen him enjoy a musical concert like this. likely he has not attended one actually! He said it felt like his higher self was listening and enjoying it.  my heart is full knowing he was happy and the bonus was that neither of us expected it

2. And I realised maybe my love of music came from him..isn't that wonderful.  to have loved something and suddenly really see it may have sprung from a person I love so much 

3. And now I have a music buddy! woo hoo! 

the sad

ah well. I wish I could have taken ashwin too.  thing is I only took my dad coz ashwin was not coming.  so hard choice. if ashwin was coming I would have even thought of extending this invite to my dad. and there will be tons more concerts I can take ashwin and my dad to now! 

and I lost my bangle  a gift from my parents. very sad about that 

the purpose of a gift is in the giving. so the bangle served it purpose in some ways. showed me my parents love and showed me a kind of bangle i didn't know I'd love so much. 

lobe is the hardest

love is hard

meeting in the middle is so off chance 

love letter to mother earth

are we the monster you unleashed and cannot control

did you bring us to speed things up make it more exciting after all

before we came along

the world it moved at glacial pace

now even that means something different 

now glaciers are accelerating thanks to us 

how do you feel watching us fill you up with plastic junk that never decomposes 

you who have such perfect rhythm 

recycling built into your dna

trees 

born from earth and back to earth 

prey and predators evenly matched 

like the cheetah that can run at 60 miles an hour but only for 30 seconds 

so the gazelle has a chance 

do you sigh do you cry 

at how unfair we play

the glaciers cracking is that your heart breaking 

and the floods the floods

are those your tears

about what we are doing to your jewel in the galaxy 

in a blink of an eye

origin story

Thank you chicken

I'm only alive thanks to a chicken

My great grandmother delivered her son 

on the dirt packed floor 

at the back of the kitchen

in kandanur 

He came out silent

and was put away

by the door leading to the backyard

while they tended to the mother 

urgently binding the bleeding

while she lay prone, shallow breathing. 

He lay there idle, content, quiet... dead? 

till a curious chicken came a pecking.

A siren wail brought the midwife back 

who picked him up from amongst the vegetable peel

and so he lived and had my dad who lived and had me

and I'm here to tell the tale

thank you dear chicken

the idly speaks to my daughter

To the 8 year old in Alavakottai

Why do you cry when you see me? 

I am here, an empty canvas

to soak in the sunshine of sambar

the green fire of chutney

the passionate shades of mutton curry 

Yet you say i am

Boring. 

You cry -  Idly Again

I am NEVER idly again

You cannot dip my tip 

and hope to taste paradise. 

I am born for dunking

Nothing and therefore everything

you just need to know

how to paint with me

I an always and only 

Idly Anew

I am nothing 

and therefore everything

school mornings

My mother packs her love

in  a brown paper square 

with soft white idles

round, in the centre

Red podi with gingelly oil 

grainy by the edge 

my recess. 

My father stirs his love 

vigorously, every morning

waking me up by clinking the tea spoon

round and round in a tall cup

to announce to the world 

it has dawned

my daughter has to go to school 

her tea is ready 

she is ready 

world... are you ready? 

my school mornings are 

my mother's idlies and my fathers tea

sending me out to face the world

fortified 

hard to move on

I wish I had someone I could speak to

malar maybe or sutha

I'd like them to be here. don't want to talk about this to anyone on the phone

feel I'm making a big deal of nothing too

not sure how to talk about it.l

let's try

the other day it was my wedding anniversary. .kids were having a sleepover at cousins place.quite last minute we decided to go out for dinner 

he went home in the small gap we had bought me flowers and bothered to dress up.we went to Clark Quay had dinner at Vietnamese place. 

vietnam holds special memories for us it was like a second honeymoon destination. 

food was so so but evening was good. came home had a good time about to sleep at 1145

I felt so close to him.then he asked me if he could go meet his friends to watch a cricket game. 

in my mind the evening had been unexpectedly perfect. 

I find out he had other plans. After me. I was not the end of his night but part of his night. 

if I had been a little less self centred and more aware .I would have realised 

he told me his friends were calling him to watch some cricket match but he said he couldn't come. 

.if he had had no intention of going he would not have even mentioned this to me I guess. subconsciously he was of two minds to go there and be with me

I missed that

took things at face value. 

and a minute before he told me he was thinking of going to see his friends had been thinking this is so perfect we should do this every year, send off the kids and enjoy our anniversary night together. 

it was the timing that tore me up. for I felt a fool. putting so much value on this one night when I was one of many things for him. that's what it feels like.

I can't even talk to him because what can he do

he didn't go. he apologised. not much else he can do right.

the fact he even thought about going hurt me. what is he to do about that 

he cannot help it that he has so much to do and for me that night he was all.

on my part there are some changes I'd like to see in him I guess. 

one is to be fully present . if he is with me just be with me. leave his temple and his friends and work aside. 

but wish I didn't have to say something as basic as this  if I have to say this what does it say.  he is not a kid. this is a 19 year old relationship. if he cannot put me first even for one night our anniversary night what is there left for me to say or feel

I can only accept and find a way to move on right 

fuck

and it feels churlish to cry . he did so much else .  doesn't all that count. how can one mistake take away all the good he has done all the good that he is. 

and to make mistake is to be human. the very definition of human beings is that we make mistakes. and he felt bad already. 

so now I need to know how I can leave the hurt behind and move.  even now if I stop to think I feel like crying  . what happens now. really at a loss. 

now between us there feels like there is this thing in between again. large looming.  allowing us to be fake but not really ourselves. 

basically I've put up my guard again. don't want to get hurt again. how to be close with a guard in between

anyway guess the fact that one night was seeming special is already a warning sign. such nights should not be such a rarity. Once a year once in 2 years . its already in trouble. just we don't know it. 

I want to be a mother first discharge my duties there with as little expectation as possible. 

then I want to be a writer. 

then a literature lover. 

then a good daughter..

then a good friend 

the other things .. all on the same next tier. sister. wife. boss. colleague. daughter in law. sister in law. 

I am a student of literature.  

I will find things I love for myself alone and lose myself in those

he will just be a pastime. a good to have. 

khatam khatam..

but I am not happy

sigh

I am usually happy. 

easier for me to see him as a parenting partner 

I don't want to want him as a lover 

I'm sick of that.

maybe a room mate. a friend. 

wiwit is my fellow co parent really. not sure how I will manage next year when she leaves.  hope kid are grown up enough to do things themselves. 

discomfort

yesterday I got a shock to see s talking to r. he has grown chubby just in the face. I like his wife very much though and feel comfortable with her. maybe he feels comfortable with s too. I kept trying to keep away from him. this is the longest I've spent in the same space as him in nearly 2 decades. 

and a wants to meet up! urgh that just feels disloyal coz of how he makes life difficult for s. again I'm very comfortable with his wife! I shall find ways to avoid that meeting. shouldn't be difficult.  its been so hard to meet up with people I actually do want to! 

tears

why did I cry so much yesterday 

and why did he cry so much today 

yesterday I cried because I felt a fool

that I placed so much more value on something he didn't

the one who feels more than the other is always the fool no

he cried

because I cried? 

he said he felt bad and sad

I am weary now

and grown up

it's like I felt I let my guard slip a little yesterday and he wound his way in and hurt me 

and now the guard is back up

it's very interesting I guess

to always be a state of balance

to love but not too much

to love without expecting 

to always be steady and stable 

larger than myself

yesterday I howled. 

primal somehow 

but today is a new day 

and I am calm 

I don't believe in true love.

I believe in love that we work on, work at 

the quiet touches not the grand gestures 

yesterday he fooled me

went home to get changed, shaved

got me flowers.

I got swept away

and then dumped haha

I deserve it

yesterday I realised 

he never sleeps alone

and if  I sleep with him 

I am also never alone with him

he has his phone with him

and with it all his friends acquaintances colleagues

he is a man of the world

born to serve

and I am selfish

to think him mine for a night 

that's what I realised yesterday 

he belongs to the world 

like God maybe 

and I should be happy with the bits I get

I got upset because for a moment

I thought I had him

that's what God is teaching me

I don't have anybody

I don't have those rights with anybody.

none of us have

heartbreak comes when we think people owe us

everything is a blessed bonus

no expectations 

something I know and can keep aspiring to I guess 

I feel better knowing maybe what made me cry like that. wonder how saro is dealing with his pain. he is a good man. tries to do so much all the time. doesn't cut himself any slack at all. he must have been so crushed that our perfect evening crashed like that. sigh. 

I love him very much.  

the fact that I was so affected merely attests to the fact. that in itself is something to be celebrated. 

and his sobbing today. also a sign of love I think. 

we love each other. isn't that worth discovering and celebrating on our anniversary?