jailor

I am both her jailer and her harbour 

how can I expect her to be thankful or happy with me

when I just took her for acupuncture 

made her feel like a porcupine 

and then wanted her to drink a concoction 

she gritted her teeth

I don't think she knows

how I cry for her 

want her woes to go away 

how it tears at me to see her in pain

sullen teen

I'll take the sullen teen any day

one who grunts in monosyllables 

and rolls her eyes for exercise 

rather than the one 

sitting stiff against her bed

coz to move is to trigger 

excruciating pain

Bring on the grumpy know- all-teen 

who'd rather walk 10 feet

away from me in public 

not the one 

curled up in bed, facing the wall

silent tears pooling in her eyes 

biting back unnamable fears 

she is both 

but I'd give anything 

for her to be 

just the one. 

sun

the afternoon sun has warmed my bed and I revel in its heat

even after I've drawn rhe curtains,

like i'm lying on a lover's body 

safe, sated, happy

since I've been up since 4am

4pm seems an apt time to rest

sink my back into the folds of the bed

warmed by the sun

my eyes closing

almost by themselves 

grief

The display of grief is indecent 

I've been indecent too often 

like when my grandmother died, 

or my love bird flew away,

and my singer succumbed to covid.

Now my baby ails,

to a different tune each day 

some known mostly unknown, 

and I am indecent every night.

 

lousy parent

today I've been lousy

lousy with my kids 

lousy with my husband 

lousy with my work 

just low and lousy thru and thru

sick of my fears

I'm sick of my fears

always fearing the next pit fall

for what goes up must come down

and we can never be happy 

only cautious

dreading the next fall

what have I become 

hard 

pensive 

low

down 

I'm a mess 

helpless

Being a mother of child 

with unexplained illness, 

whose body hurts all the time,

means that when she winces in pain 

I stare stonily ahead a beat,

then discuss the weather 

for the alternative 

would be to bawl, 

uncontrollably 

and that would not be good

for either of us.  

anger stronger

 My anger can only make me stronger if I can channel it 

no more sitting around feeling helpless and stupid 

I am not every mom

I may not be the best, may not be doing all that is nec

but I am trying, and what more can anyone ask of me - what more can I ask of myself 

fucking system we have here - but maybe we can fix this and then be the change we need to be 

the problem of in silos medicine when the body is interconnected  - surely we see a problem here? 

from sorrow, helplessness I slipped to near depression before swinging to anger and then to action 

let's see 

first things first 

establish she's not faking it. she's not making it up, imagining it, willing it 

Next establish she has at least 3 concerns - UC, Giddiness, and something to do with nerves . 

Plan - Neuro here + GP 

Hospital in India 

cord wip

I thought they cut the cord 

when you popped out 

but apparently not

so here we are. 

15 years later

I'm only as free,

 as you are 

of pain 

for while you suffer 

I watch helpless 

shaken useless 

never happy

I am only happy when I know you are

and when you aren't

I can't be happy..

 it is not a choice for we are bound

and you play me like a kite

when you are down so am I

but when you fly

I am high 

I just want you to be

Happy,   healthy, safe 

so I can be free too

maybe 

subhas

We live in a system that has normalised us

To window shop women as ready-made maids

And to walk oblivious to a brown man stopped and ID checked

Because he poses some kind of a threat…

And to see overcrowded lorries of sleep deprived men riding in the back with the equipment

When birthdays and new years wishes are video calls

From parents to children they haven’t seen in years because

They have left their children to raise ours, to build our buildings

And fulfil our pleasures in this South East Asian Utopia

It’s 6 days a week, 12 hour a day shifts

For these men of gifts… it’s back breaking labour

Building our Marina Bays and Park Colonials and Straits Clans

We are the new-colonialists - they slave away in the heat

So you can enjoy your poolside spray tans

They have sweat equity on stolen sand

But this… this is an access-card only entrance

Little India is policed ad nauseam

We should have a whole museum in honour of the displaced kings and queens who have literally built this nation but to us… they are dispensable

One goes another comes

There will always be a hungry mouth or

Illusion of granduer and a better life that we will not fulfil

And just because they are happy does not make this ‘just’...

That’s why I’m feeling Survivor's guilt in a land they built

Wondering if spitting this truth in silk is saliva split

Because, who is gonna to stand up for Singapore

The first step to justice is recognising that we are all exploited, albeit to different levels

They are as Singaporean as we are because to live in Singapore means to be trapped in a system where we serve to create value for corporations and those in power

We are merely the more valuable cogs

So is this disparity geographical destiny?

Or calculated cycles of poverty?

Wealth is sequestered in a sliver that we will never see

We need a values shift in our society

Where influencers get paid more in loading fees

So I wonder what CNA ever wanted from me?

Is it a quick snapshot of poverty?

Because a single voice cannot end socio-economic inequality in my country

I’m just glad I managed to finesse us a fee

what the hell

she's not even 15

has uc. 

coping. 

cut out almost all foods. uber limited diet for a child who enjoys eating out. ok. 

then you add unexplained dizziness 

she copes, goes for tuition picks up courage determination to go back to school

you whack her with 2nd round of unexplained dizziness

all the while we thank you like fools. 

thanks for making her better 

hold out carrots like concert tickets while you pull her health and life and will out of her again and again 

now she is recovering again. taking steps taking charge.  you don't like it.  you want her down grovelling forever.  and us too. .

for now you hit her with unexplained nerve pains. 

just superb 

and I keep thanking you  

thank you for making her better. 

you take the thanks and twist the knife in deeper 

taking pleasure in her pain

not just that 

taking pleasure in pushing her down when she tries to come up

sadistic b you are. 

f u. 

even now.she is laughing at a sitcom 

go kill her 

no you won't 

go hurt her. she's laughing bet it's agonising for you to hear 

you sadist 

f u god

I've ranted at God before but not said this 

f u 

vines

the vines draped over the fence like a luxurious shawl

vines

the vines draped over the fence like a luxurious shawl

the confused poem

seeking a name

Half-baked, it had no need of a name.

Drifting in an amniotic sea of thoughts

it started off shadowy, bean-sized.

with just a cord of an idea to sustain it.

But now I feel it, 

pushing itself against me, 

the pressure increasing...

it may pop anytime.

And yet, even now I don't know 

what shape it may take, 

its personality

nor even if I will love it,

though it is mine.

Look, here it is, out, 

wailing in the light, 

demanding a name.  

If it were 14 lined, 

it could start with an 's'

but it's of unusual weight. 

There is rhyme, some of the time,

but then it's runs

on, insisting

it is more than it seems,

a metaphor for life. 

I'm still deciding.

fav word

my favourite word is day

coz it rhymes with 

say, gay, bay, and lay

may, pay, and ray

 

My poem can beam like a ray 

of moonshine in the bay

and end just like that, today. 

modern magic

we live in a world of modern magic 

where an idea is shared at the speed of thought 

how do I feel

maybe I cannot feel 

I've got news 2 more poems got rejected 

my daughter is at home dizzy and trying to sleep, not at school as planned 

the school seems edgy less helpful today 

but that's ok

obituary for psle math

look how you burn 

your ashes take math to the sky

should any ancestor meet you 

dont be mad they may the other way fly

when you lived you made me cry

today I bid you a final farewell 

with nary a tear in my eye

turning 45

I turn 45 tomorrow 

and I have no joy

only dread of what the morrow brings 

I have one sick child 

and if anything happens to her

I'll want to die

but won't be able to

coz I have 2 other kids 

such dark thoughts 

I don't like her hand on my knee when i drive 

isn't that awful

and for one awful second 

I asked myself why I had 2 more kids

then I wouldn't have to care about then I could just care about her

such lousy lousy thoughts 

I know I don't mean them

but I also want to note that I thought them for a stupid fleeting second 

what this is doing to me

I am fragile 

liable to crumble anytime 

and when u do 

what is left 

and i realise

I had better grasp every moment that comes .my way 

for I can high and happy as never before 

and come crashing down the next second 

like there's a spiteful vengeful god who is keeping watch .ready to pull the rug from me anytime I dare be happy to much too long 

teena growing up

and exploring her sexuality

I suspect she is toying with the idea of lesbianism

not sure how much if it will pan out

part of it is I think a general dislike of boys 

noisy boisterous 

then bullying too, esp of girls, as she reads 

with another girl it might feel much safer. 

so well, let's see! 

now she's into gay and lesbian literature! 

teenagers growing up to young women

14 going on 15 and a whole lot going on

let's talk about the normal stuff

though this should not be normal. 

akshaya happily dressed up and went to collect her homework from her friend at the busstop

for me this was progress

not asking anyone to come with her 

going on her own

excited

she came back later angry and nearly in tears

slammed my gate pass down and stormed 

I hate men

the construction workers were just staring at me and im just dressed like this- she meant just jeans and tee shirt 

I made the mistake of not taking her seriously enough at first

laughing it off

saying they were probably just tired and looking at her harmlessly. 

ashwin was nearby and I wanted to calm things down

but she was very upset

and I should have taken her more seriously 

inadvertently I had dismissed her real concerns 

quickly realising I went back to talk to her 

she had walked past these construction workers who watched her non stop from one end of the road to the other making her feel so uncomfortable 

so she walked back another way thru the blocks 

and there one or two guys whistled at her and catcalled her! she glared at him 

no wonder she was mad

and this was 5.30 pm by our house! 

I listened empathised shared stories of such incidents in my youth and how my friend showed me how to deal with it. 

ashwin was super curious.  so I told him. he turned visibly uncomfortable 

i told him too how every woman in her life would have been harassed like this. hr asked, even me? i said yes, even me and even aaya. but not every man has harassed a woman like appa has never. so he should never, of course he wouldn't but he shouldnt support or let his friends do such things either later on when he is older. 

isn't this truth horrible. sigh.