lonely in a crowd

this is the year I feel lonely in crowds 

but an okay with it

notes

deliberately silenced 

preferably unheard 

I contain multitudes 

surrounded by absent presences 

storytelling is an act of love and betrayal, sharing family secrets 

to be American is to be part of a war machine that is almost constantly at war in the east 

most people don't want to see their land as a place where there was genocide torture violence 

contradiction between hope and brutality 

portray and betray open secrets of America 

can Singapore lit do great things? can my voice do anything 

anti Asian abuse constant 

writing the only way to fight and to grieve 

grieving turning onwards 

fighting turning outwards 

both can come from same place. can be private and individual and also public 

we can open and close that door 

you can listen in as I speak to Vietnamese. when I speak to them I am not speaking to a minority 

grief is not always unique 

all of us have to acknowledge the limitations of our own homes that perhaps others take for granted 

how do I deny any violence we have done to the histories here?

sit with the discomfort of people doing terrible things 

man of two faces

 refugees 

I must read more Indian Singaporean writing 

who will the survivers of this assault of gaza be

what will they write 

I must have a plan to take a masters in creative writing at ntu or internationally

children have so much imagination and possibilities. so super precious. 

retain child like spirit and playfulness 

adults ask boring questions

give in to initiation 

continue to feel and write 

again

Tears rolls down my eyes

dotting my guitar

my aching knees 

as I watch, 

silent in Berlin

history repeat itself 

on another stage

Every month I paid my dues

week after week

as I strummed my guitar in bars

proof of my discipline 

to make myself , my family anew

but... nothing is new

96 years old today and

I witness war again

oppression again 

genocide again

but I am not to speak

so I pick up my guitar again 

futile perhaps in action

but my notes hang in the air

marking my sorrow

that man is son of sisyphus 

rolling a stone up the hill 

only to roll back 

forever 

saying uselessly

never again 

palestine

I must write about Palestine. 

Their suffering is huge and unjust.

After we said never again,

we are watching it happen all over again

just different players playing the roles.

Yes Hamas was wrong. but two wrongs don't make anything right.

Is this just a story of growing up,

that if you are bullied as a child you will grow to be a bully? 

Is this just a primal fight for territory and supremacy among lions for the same spare savannahs?  

Palestine and Palestinians are being crushed underfoot,

their homes being made unlivable,

their schools and hospitals being destroyed,

their entrances and exits blockaded so no water food fuel or medical supplies can pass 

being asked to flee from north to south in a matter of hours 

then bombed in the south. 

now asked to flee from south to further south in another few hours. 

Openly calling for all countries to open and accept them into their lands so zionists can whoop their war cries around the strung heads of the vanquished. 

This game has been played before. 

Here, we watch 

waiting for gov sanctioned ways of responding, 

for a team of men and women in white to be the singular voice of 5 million people.

The irony. 

Life is complex

you want thinking individuals, 

but only those who think the way you determine safe, 

you want to make the box bigger, your concession, but insist we stay within those lines. 

Woe is the day the power  

here turns from white to grey to black

We will have no mechanisms to fight back

We will be crushed 

like dust 

Perhaps we have always only ever been dust 

the deepavali i cooked

so past few years

wiwit has been in charge of all cooking for all functions including deepavali

now we have a new helper 

I was galvanised to cool again 

was happy to cook with my dad in mind 

lunch

made Brussels sprouts 

black pepper tofu

water melon salad

yesterday 

chocolate burfi and coconut burfi

morning .

payasam 

vadai ( so so) 

chutney -so so

then dinner 

chick peas and roasted red pepper sauce 

amazing pasta with asparagus mushrooms and cherry tomatoes 

rice pasta with brocoli 

and water melon salad 

all a hit! and I enjoyed meena's bread dessert so much! 

eras tour the movie

I just watched eras tour the movie and I am sooooo impressed

she has energy talent passion show biz smarts 

3 hours at least. non stop no breaks she sang and sang and sang. 

and what songs. what creativity with the sets the lighting 

so she custom builds her set each night each stadium. I'm so glad I watched it last night with a theatre full of screaming swifties.  btw my son nearby reminded me not everyone is one. otherwise I could get quite caught up in the mania and believe everyone to be a lover of swift.  he was asking how much more, can he get a snack can he go home, grunting groaning demanding attention haha.  and finally napped for an hour on my shoulder. he reminded me... I never stop being a mom, even at a concert haha! 

back to swift. the songs are in my head. it was larger than life.  wonderfully edited.  all thru the show I felt I'd like to watch it again. was an experience. I borrowed the feelings of others in the theatre. watching the interaction the inside jokes between swift on stage and swifties in their seats. 

I'm excited because I can sense I'm witnessing something spectacular, historic  like the rise of a superstar in my time, like Michael Jackson, the beatles, elvis... its thrilling.  

she is a billionaire just on music. most streamed artist on Spotify.  sell out shows around the world. it's an experience  . she gets voters to ballot boxes. her word is law to her devotees. but she is careful not to abuse her power. she rose from being pushed down, rose beyond her haters. a phoenix. she took control, took back her songs after she lost her rights to them. she writes her own music, words, plays the instruments for them and sings them. I have no words. 

I keep praying for her good health haha. 

marketing genius too. 2 surprise songs each night to keep it fresh.  Easter eggs dropped like clues everywhere.  

such love among swifties too. all cheering one another on, giving out friendship bands made painstakingly, exchanging some.  a world wide community how is that? beyond colour race gender nationality... a force of peace.