New hair new look

My hair is so multicoloured I'm excited.
Not sure how much my family will like it but I'm excited about the different look I'm sporting. In time for my holiday with friends and the new year😀. Cost me 385 dollars! Sigh.

December reflections

What has 2018 been like? 

Work wise. Awesome for lit. Lit flag flying high.  Challenging for team dynamics.
Family... devi has a baby., after so many years of trying, truly a prayer answered
Saros father, cancer, operation, recovery  - tough
My grandmother- recovering after a fall
My brother and parent - rift is still there. My parents may have seen deepa only a handful of  times. Soon  she may forget my parents.  That's making me sad. The whole situation there. I fear she may be grow up different.  And that gonna be tough for my brother and family.  Acceptance is important.  And I'm troubled about his mental health. .
I'm forty.
Mixed feelings
Really wanted to get published.  Haven done much work towards it

Library home

First you took my library
You tore those greek columns down
Ripping pages and burying it in tarmac
Where now a tunnel flows
Saving us five min in travel time
At the expense of history

Now you've taken my home
Razing it down and calling it
Affinity At Serangooon
You don't recognise irony
Even when it kicks you in the face
What we had was affinity
A home for 30 years
Where i grew up
Where my children were born

And now it will become
Dust
Before it is raised again
In tiny shoebox form
Affinity

First my library then my home
What next?

Lizard

I can't get over the image I have of a writhing mass Of limbs under our cycles.
My dad and I ran over a monitor lizard yesterday. It shocked us completely. But it got away. No trace of blood or anything. I've never had an encounter like that before. It dashed out suddenly right at my father's wheels as he was talking to me while cycling. I was too near him. I saw it before him and screamed. Then it ran right in front of me and I couldn't stop or turn away or stop screamimg.
I pray to god it's ok.
I went back to check on it, thinking I could call acres if it was hurt but I could see no sign of it.
We are lucky it didnt  attack my dad. It could have lashed out at his foot.
Sigh.
How awful.

Piano tuner 2

White hair at the temple
Clear gaze
You take the food and drink I offer
Taste it with relish
We talk.

Surrounded by my 3 small children
I'm so clearly out of bounds
As you are to me too.

I wonder
How might it be
To transgress those invisible lines
between us
And even before I can go further
I know how it will end
Devoid of the magic
We'd just be tired people

The forbidden fruit loses its sweetness
The second it's tasted
So
For beauty
For pleasure
For dreams
Stay forever too far
And we shall meet
Once a year
When you tune my piano

The piano tuner

You walk in
With your easy smile
Your sure hands
Your steady step.

Your fingers run across the keys

You take it apart with practised ease
You slide your hands in
Fine tuning keys
Oil the silent one to make it sing
You peer in, feel, check, adjust.

Under your smooth hands
The piano comes alive
Humming with melodies
Hudden in its depths

Domestic dreams

In films, Tamil films anyway, the men have grand dreams
Changing the world saving people whacking bad guys
And girls have domestic dreams
Of getting married finding true love having kids
All inscribing in people on what kinds of dreams children should have

Gendered dreams

Even Hollywood... girls dream of the perfect wedding
Makes me sick

Secrets

How hard it is to bear secrets
What secrets have I borne
My secondary school teacher married his student
I knew but never told my parents
Didn't matter I thought. They didn't need to know

Now I bear secrets too
Two friends whose sons have jumped
And I am bound to keep the secret still

Why

So.
Deep breath
God feels I am ready
To take in support and grow
Special individuals with broken bits
K with her hurt and expectations
P with her anxious reactions and high strung expectations
M with high functioning brain and cranky outbursts
K with her sky high expectations and low self esteem
N with her lack of sck and laziness and desire to grow a little
V with her desperate pain and clarity of whom to work with and not

Killing me

Look in a fight I appreciate when people step to reflect on the part they may have played in the mishap.
I get the feeling she's just placing all blame squarely on p.
P is no Angel. I get it.
But you aren't either! So used to being thangifined you can't take not knowing or looking stupid.

Sashti

Hi.
Did sashti viratham this year
Also last year
Am very happy God helped me keep it. The first day was so hard I though I would not be able to this year. Coz I had a headache from the not eating. Or from other things I don't know
.

But have mixed feeling too if i want to be completely honest
1. Am I doing it out of a sense of devotion? Or a wish to lose weight? Both?  A need to test myself?
2. Do my intentions matter? Yes. Not that one is better than the other but purpose is key to anything
3. I do and did feel a great sense of happiness and pride esp on Sunday when I sang sasthi kavasam at the temple and didnt eat till 8.45! And i truly wasnt hungry that day! Most of the days I can't wait till 5pm!
4. That's another thing. I set  my own fasting rules. Which seem very lax now to me.
Fruits and milk and drinks ( coffee tea mocha Milo juices) and even the occasional nut or two. Until 5 pm. After that other than rice and chocolates I ate everything! Even chips one day! How ah? Counts as fast? Is time too short? Is the coffee and tea and milo all too indulgent?
Comes back to purpose right? I don't believe in following a fast for the sake of doing so or for appearing pious. It's personal. I want to experience amd practise restraint . I want to use that time to think of God.  I want to be aware of the feeling of hunger which so many millions feel. I want to be appreciative that this fast is a choice while for others it's not. I want to know that hollow day I've read about.

5. Then  during the fast I didn't give up other treats. Like reading and watching movies.  I just sang/ listened to sashti kavasam day and night.  I guess if my purpose was to be one with God truly and know God and think only of God I shouldn't be reading and watching movies? But I'm okay with it haha! As in I feel life is a balance between giving in to impulses and restraint. And during the fast I restrain myself  a little. With food. By saying prayers before I do things which means less time for watching movies and reading.
Anyway. Will figure it out I guess.

Water will come

1. Hurricanes like roulette
2. Sea level rises 're shaping our world. Let me visit Maldives before it vanishes
3. 13 feet of sea level rise in a century will be catastrophic. Has happened before
3. Prediction now is 3 meters by end of this century as of now
4. Ice sheets collapse coz of melt water beneath the ice
5. Real estate price goes down for estates near coasts. Affects overall economy
6.  By building dykes raising streets etc. Only temporary.
7. Need to be creative about our relationship with water. A need to be flexible and affordable
8. No city is an island
9. Ice cube in heat melts. Same thing with world.
10. Can raise the naval base elevate it. But what about the roads leading to it? Can we raise the whole world ?
11. Climate refugees. Where will the 10 million people displaced by water in Indonesia going to go?? .?
12. Don't need new technology to deal with water. Just new ways of thinking. Walls may not work
13. Cut carbon pollution fast. How?
Electric cars
Destroy coal factories.
Invest in clean energy factories
14. Make risk transparent to everyone. People need to know. Despite economic implications
15. Retreat is inevitable.
16, need to reinvent our use of energy. Clean energy is getting cheaper. So will change.
17. Thawing of permafrost
18. Not too late?
19. We are in the river with climate change. Curtains have gone up. We can affect the trajectories of this change.

He's been with Obama.  And Kerry. And Paris. And going to Antarctica. Privileged to hear him

Climate change wiped out dinosaurs. It will wipe us out too. World as we know it ending is inevitable. Just matter of time. How? Worth it? To try to postpone it?

Trouble is,.. We are small. Like ants. Hard for us to see the world as a whole.

Human enemies are easier to fight than nature . Like day of the triffods . . E will make unmake remake ourselves eternally. Who will survive? Who will succumb?

Kiran desai thoughts

I live in a bubble

What makes us hate ourselves? Feel shame for what we do what we are
What makes me keen to stress I am not from India?
What ofdd struggles there are for acceptance for feeling above the rest

Fear that we become what they say we are

Privateness of human condition
Literature has the right to interfere in the affairs of the  state
Should replace
Brodsky acceptance speech. Wow.
Wow
Choose our leaders based on the book they read

Identity that is non reductive
Secret to peace

Opportunities for reinvention

Loneliest makes for happiest stories and reading

Less structured more valuable

Allegiance to flags. What value? Problemitises immigration

're read Edward said
're read inheritance of loss

To belong we must exclude
Problem lies therein
Past is a home to all of us
Journey for home undoes the home

Amitav ghosh  essay on diaspora

Somehow one who has read dickens can't be cruel to a dickens like character

Story can lend meaning to landscape

Books borderless

Time is living me

Italio calvino trees

Did I say too much

I can be quite comfortable talking to him

Lit Launch vs EL Launch

I don't like the idea of me sounding like I'm bragging, even to myself
but if I don't even say it to myself, who will I say it too
So let me just say it here okay

I'm glad teachers found the EL Syllabus exciting. and that they say the launch is better now that it used to be, with the use of videos

but.. but but but...

I felt our lit launch had more oomph. It was a gala affair. grand collaterals, interactive elements, music for writing, quiz shows, video blitz, resource blitz, show of support from the four pillars of curriculum, q and a,

No wonder people asked us, why do you need 4 hours to launch a syllabus - isn't 1 hour enough? If we are doing it like this, the EL, then yes, even 1.5 hour seems too long to be talked at, or shown videos at!

everything seems so downplayed here = largely frontal delivery - actually, all frontal delivery which we know doesn't work! so why do it? why not break it and get people to interact?

Anyway, there it is. I've said it.

even our kids video seemed better than their kids video, our eye video seemed better than their overview video,  Their future workers video was good. But the other two - meh. No story. That's the problem. English is just abstract without a text to root it. Our Eye video had a pirate narrative. our kids video had kids making meaning of a poem - something they can do in their classes.
Here JJ had to tell them to applaud for the kids in case they didn't - coz it was just so made up - who goes around coming up with a detective game to demonstrate the 3 foci? is it that difficult to do that you can't do it with your usual EL lessons? What's a great EL lesson for me? I dunno.

sigh. I'm so glad I'm in Lit. and maybe my personality rubs off a bit - I was pretty insistent on things this time - the interactivity, the reading of the syllabus during the launch, the write about a line in the workshop - you have to hit them with things make them see stuff they could not have otherwise seen, otherwise why come all the way here?

maybe wonderful things are happening at the working sessions now - possibly.
everything just seems so downplayed and serious, even with the video involving a game. same people - pei yong, Joo Jin,  - different leadership styles perhaps? more messy but more involved is mine. more clear and laid out is Angie's. I even found Leonard rattling away! but Vani found him very clear. I dunno, am I just prejudiced? maybe some were utterly bored at our session too.

Also, they didn't really take up our suggestions -there was not touch and feel of the syllabus, no interactivity at all. grr.
but I can't comment unless I've sat through the whole thing so shall shut up and get on with my guide now. 

Poem for Dell draft 8

Thank you Ms Chong,

For your personable nature.
No matter where we meet
your office, the corridor, the pantry
you always have a dazzling smile for each of us.

For your patience.
You go the extra mile to nurture and
connect with us,
reassure and comfort us.

For your guidance.
You take time to explain things,
you share your ideas and knowledge
even before we know we need it.

For your gift of language.
You plant seeds of hope in us
and inspire positive change, showing us
that we can and should uplift the human spirit.

For your inspiring speeches.
Every time you speak to us,
your words go straight to our hearts
Who can forget Anne of Green Gables?

For an oasis of calm.
Our work here can be crazy
but you keep it real,
grounding us and protecting us.

For short and sweet branch meetings.
You bring us together and
win us over with your
sense of humour.

For the stylish look of ELLB.
You rock those Louboutins,
exuding elegance, class and beauty.
Yet you stay so humble and down to earth.

Has it only been a year?
We feel we’ve known you for so long –
for all this and more
we thank you, dear Ms Beatrice Chong.

Poem for Dell draft 7

Thank you Ms Chong,

For your personable and approachable nature.
No matter where we meet
your office, the corridor, the pantry
you always have a dazzling smile for every one of us.

For your patience.
You go the extra mile to nurture and
connect with us as a group and as individuals
and reassure and comfort us.

For your guidance.
You take time to explain things,
you share your ideas and knowledge generously
even before we know we need it.

For your gift of language.
You plant seeds of hope in us
and inspire positive change, showing us
that we can and should uplift the human spirit.

For your inspirational speeches.
Every time you speak to us,
your words go straight to our hearts
Who can ever forget Anne of Green Gables?

For an oasis of calm.
Our work here can be crazy
but you keep it real,
grounding us and protecting us.

For short and sweet branch meetings.
You bring us together and
win us over with your
sense of humour.

For the stylish look of ELLB.
You rock those Louboutins,
exuding elegance, class and beauty.
Yet you stay so humble and down to earth.

Has it only been a year?
We feel we’ve known you for so long –
for all this and more
we thank you, dear Ms Beatrice Chong.

The desire to read a book

The desire to read a book
Feels like a saving light for me
Reminding me books still hold magic for me
More than Netflix

I am haunted that nowadays
I dare to leave home without a  book
Because I assume I'd spend any snatched minutes
Watching modern family

So yesterday and today, Two days in a row!
When I chose to read a book during lunch
When I had the option to watch Netflix
That feels like a victory for my soul

I am comforted too by the fact that I feel comforted
By a new Philip Pullman to read at work
And hard times to read at home
And hungry tide again 

The end is not near
Not If I have at least one book
ahead of me
And now I have three!

I am not lost to the God of binge tv
My god of reading still has hold of me
And I thank God for that!

mad america

so a lone gunman shot 11 Jews praying at a synagogue
and trump says this wouldn't have happened if we had armed gunmen inside the synagogue
I can't imagine praying at a temple guarded by an armed guard
the feeling of peace that is to pervade your senses upon entering a place of worship will be fouled by the sense of fear and apprehension that one gets upon seeing armed people anywhere
sometimes I see armed policemen patrolling the mrt stations
makes me nervous even when I've done nothing
that's not a feeling I want at a temple
that stupid goon has no idea what he says
money is his religion. guns are his priests.

The self indulgent poem draft 4

The Self-indulgent Poem

This poem is about me
or at least, my name
insofar as my name signifies "me".

My father named me Meenakshi
after my grandmother, as per tradition,
and called me Meena
after his beloved twin sister
his guardian angel.

I never answered to the name Meenu
it didn't sound like me at all.
In school I was Meena, mostly,
Except in Chemistry, when I was Meenkaski.
Bless Ms Tan, who would only use full names
even if she couldn't pronounce them.
I didn't mind. I sounded Russian.
My classmates called me Ski for short.
They still call me that.

Meena Akka or just Akka -
one of my favourites,
delightfully sounded first by a four-year old,
with his arms around my neck -
made me feel older, more responsible, loved.

To my closest friends,
I am Meens
such familiarity,
conveying love, laughter, safety.
Some in the group call me Meenatchi -
just to annoy me.

Aachi at the temple-
at 40 I finally feel ready.
It shows I belong
to my community

Aatha.

What I call my mother my kids now call me,
At one point I told my husband not to call me that,
striving to keep my identity
as mother and myself separate.

The other day,
I labelled a waterbottle at home
"Aatha"
First time ever-
it led to this poem!
I am Aatha.

The kids say it with love,
seeking shelter.
Sometimes they bite it out in exasperation.
They call me other things-
Mumma, Mummy Bear, Mummy Cat-
I turn to all these names too.

Mdm Meenakshi Palaniappan, AD
That's me at work.
Some say it with unnecessary deference
It sounds foreign to me still

Mostly I am called Meena
except in writing class,
where I am Meenakshi.
I love it.
Meenakshi,  calls to mind myself as a writer

So what's in a name?
Different names for different seasons
I will grow into more names, surely.

The self indulgent poem draft 3

The Self-indulgent Poem

This poem is about me
or at least, my name
insofar as my name signifies "me"

My father named me Meenakshi
after my grandmother, as per tradition
and called me Meena
after his beloved twin sister
his guardian Angel

I never answered to the name Meenu
it didn't sound like me at all
I loved all the songs with my name in it
Like "Ennadi Meenatchi! Sonnathu Ennachu"
even if the lyrics weren't all that flattering

In Secondary school I was Meena, mostly.
In Chemistry, I was Meenkaski
Bless Ms Tan, who would only call people by their full names
even if she couldn't pronounce them.
I didn't mind. I sounded Russian
My classmates called me Ski for short.
They still call me that.

Meena Akka or just Akka -
one of my favourites,
delightfully sounded by a four-year old,
With his arms around my neck -
made me feel older, more responsible, loved

To my closest friends,
I am Meens
such familiarity,
conveying love, laughter, safety all at the same time
some in the group call me Meenatchi - just to annoy me
but in loving jest

Achi at the temple.
At 40 I finally feel ready for this honorific title
signaling belonging to the Chettiar Community
one I hold with pride

Aatha

Aatha. what I call my mother my kids now call me
and I kept  telling my husband not to call me that
I was striving to keep my identity as mother and myself separate

The other day,
I labelled a waterbottle at home
"Aatha"
First time ever-
it led to this poem!
I am Aatha.

The kids say it with love
Seeking shelter
sometimes with exasperation
They call me other things too
Mummy, Mama, Mummy Bear, Mummy Cat

Mdm Meenakshi Palaniappan, AD
That's me at work
with a title, a modicum of deference from those who call on me
totally unnecessary, but they say it with feeling
It's gives Literature a status, to have an AD for it, no matter who it is

Mostly I am called Meena
except in writing class
Where I am Meenakshi
and I love it
Meenakshi, for me - no title no surname - calls to mind myself as a writer

So what's in a name?
Different names for different seasons and different reasons
I will grow into more names, surely.

The Self-indulgent Poem

This poem is about me
or at least, my name
insofar as my name signifies "me"

My father named me Meenakshi
after my grandmother, as per tradition
and called me Meena
after his beloved twin sister
his guardian Angel

I never answered to the name Meenu
it didn't sound like me at all
I loved all the songs with my name in it
Like "Ennadi Meenatchi! Sonnathu Ennachu"
even if the lyrics weren't all that flattering

In Secondary school I was Meena, mostly.
In Chemistry, I was Meenkaski
Bless Ms Tan, who would only call people by their full names
even if she couldn't pronounce them.
I didn't mind. I sounded Russian
My classmates called me Ski for short.
They still call me that.

Meena Akka or just Akka
one of my favourites,
delightfully sounded by a four-year old,
arms around my neck -
made me feel older, more responsible, loved

To my closest friends,
I am Meens
such familiarity,
conveying love, laughter, safety all at the same time
some in the group call me Meenatchi - just to annoy me
but in loving jest

kutty baby
such a horrible name for me
infantilizing, condescending
thank goodness that didn't last

padumosamana baby
hahah
wasn't actually called that
maybe just the once, by myself
but it calls to mind indignance and hilarity!

Aachi at the temple.
At 40 I finally feel ready for this honorific title
signaling belonging to the Chettiar Community
one I hold with pride

Aatha

Aatha. what I call my mother my kids now call me
and I kept  telling my husband not to call me that
I was striving to keep my identity as mother and myself separate

The other day,
I labelled a waterbottle at home
"Aatha"
first time ever
it led to this poem!
I am Aatha.
blessed to be. A name I long to hear uttered.

They call me other things too
Aathi, Mummy, Mummy Bear/ Mummy Cat
gets cuter and cuter no?

Mdm Meenakshi Palaniappan, AD
That's me at work
with a title, a modicum of deference from those who call on me
totally unnecessary, but they feel it

Mostly I am called Meena
except in writing class
I am Meenakshi again
and I love it
Meenakshi, for me - no title no surname - calls to mind myself as a writer

So what's in a name?
Different names for different seasons and different reasons
I will grow into more names, surely.

're reading

When I want to 're read more than I want to read
What a roll

I just 're read
Mr pip
Slumdog millionaire
Watership down
Mammoth book 2 long tusk
Acts of faith
About a boy 

Reading new
History of science
City of nectar
Night diary

Netflix additction

I'm super hooked onto modern family. They have only 8 seasons and I'm in the middle of season 4 . Each episode is 22 min long, perfect. It's funny heart warming.  Does make some alarming things seem normal. Gay relationships seem so normal  love it. But teenage sex is such an accepted thing I'm alarmed. The teenager's mum gives her boxes of condoms when she goes to college! I would not want to have to do that. So it's interesting to see how I'm liberal and how I'm conservative,
And I love the 14 year old cutie pie. Luke.  He's so adorable and uber confident and dramatic. He's adorable. And he only looks 10. Reminds me of ashwin.

There's Clare and Phil.  Reminds me of kannan and sham really.
Haley.  Alex. Luke
Mitchell and Cam
Lily. Super smart cute. Reminds me of Aishu.
Jay Gloria
Manny and a new baby Joe.

My new family who's taken over my love for reading on the commute

I've watched 5 episodes just today. That's 5 time 20 min which is 100 min. Which is one hour 30 min. Okay. Not too bad, can count as 30  min  commute watch and 1 hour lunch watch haha!

America is screwed up

Male chauvanist pigs can get away with violating women
In America
In India

Trump is president after having boasted about kissing women without their permission and several harassment charges
His chief judge is there also with those charges
He is separating  Immigrant parents and kids
He has banned people from his country based on their race

Education the great divider

Starting behind

What does it mean to start school behind?
Those who create policy today have no idea of how their privilege allows them to do so

The horrifying reality in sg is... if at p1 you csnt read and go into lsp, chances are he will go to nt course and ite after that.

Can you believe that . That at p 1 can tell.

Monet

Impermanence

In this world
Nothing we own is ours
We bid farewell to our beloved home yesterday
Electricity and water had been cut off
So we saw it in the dying natural light. Appropriate.
I didn't cry. I thought i would
I nearly did downstairs as I watched my old neighbours like their things in last and talked with them. Seems I wasn't the only sad one. 
They were one of the first to move in to the estate. We followed soon after.
I didn't cry coz the house didn't look the same without the furnishing,

But it was sad. There weren't many houses with our unique design, the adjoining balcony the study hall. The room with a window into the balcony. I moved in when I was 8 and moved out at 25. And then never quite moved out! Back there for 4 to 6 months per child! That's a more than a year more of actually living there.

My friends all knew my place. So many gatherings there. Birthdays. Study sessions. Deeepavali. Surprise parties for others.

Met the neighbours again as I was leaving.  Janice. My gosh she looks the splitting image of her mum when mum was younger! Was like watching an old movie in new techni colour! And Andrew. He was born here. Now a lanky young man doing his masters. His dog refuses to eat in the new house apparently!

We were truly neighbours. We went to one another's houses. Played downstairs - catching ball games, exploring drains. Cycle signals. Not so insular as we are now.

3 projects done

I thank God for our three major projects all getting done well.
Launch
Workshops
Cie  training

Beautiful seamless flow and support. Friends at Cambridge. New ideas for next round of assessment

Big qn is
What next

For new bts. Compulsory is and assessmemt
Some course on poetry prose and drama by elis ni inckude this in guide?

Ideas for upper sec marking
-get teachers to get their kids to do the poems
Then after  the standardisation consider their own students work

Maybe do for both lower and upper sec

Mrs chan

You have a way of making people feel really comfortable
You totally made my day and my mother's when you told me to tell my mum she's done a great job raising me! Haha. Only you can make people's days like this
Such genuine care and concern
Gonna miss you!
I remember each of your conversations with us at branch level and I individual level. Each left a Mark o  me
It's one of fespect

Interests

Found interests: literature.  Reading
Discovered growing interests : art, drawing , writing poetry, astronomy, bible studies,

377a

To repeal or not to repeal
Gay rights
Accepting gays as part of mainstream culture
Hey!
Guess who didn't want to accept that earth was round
Yup you got it
The church
So this church has been going around insisting on its way
Persecuting others
Until it realises and accepts the truth
This is  no different I tell you.
All this repression is from a  fear, a need to survive
It's Darwinism of faiths
If change is the only constant
Man religion must be flexible too
Ah blasphemy.  I hear you
But not in core fundamentals
Like killing another for no reason
But Hinduism accepts human nature
It says human nature is evil and cruel and we gotta rein in things
Seek nirvana like Buddha rama
Both of whom were not perfect being ok
Even Krishna is not perfect
I hear kannan bearing down in me
What is this Ned in us to have perfect God's
Okay God is perfect. But what of its impossible to be perfect?
For Krishna to be perfect
Karna had to ill treated
And yes he was not perfect
I pray to God for protection for his love his guidance to do the best I can
For that's what we can do
The best we can

And let's just accepts gays can we
Romantic love between boys and girls was frowned upon until it wasn't
This too will come to be
Let's not deny others who They are coz we can't accept them
Stop the moralizing about sexual preferences
Had to get it out
So incan maintain a calm demeanour when Leonard provokes me again
He's a crusader behind his smile
Eerie.
Live and let live
Christians can't
Their scriptures is clever
Built in the need to survive. Knowing it won't if doesnt actively promote and market itself
Using a range of tactics.  Fear. Love.

Impermwnce

In this world
Nothing we own is ours

Parenthood

Parenthood
Means waiting while kids mumble on stage

Nervous

I may as well admit it
I'm nervous
Two colleagues having a silent war at work
I need God's help to help guide them and smooth over this angry tide

And one of them. I had to tell her to be careful of the things she posts.
She's taken down previous posts and made some big announcement about how she may not post personal things online
And then shes asking me to be her friend!
Why?
Does she want to stalk me? Scare me? Or show me shes stopped posting stuff? Or what?
I don't like accepting friend requests from colleagues ! Only friends. And currently in wary of her. Shall hold off accepting the friend request for awhile. Urgh, wish I could talk to someone but can't quite.
Not sure whom to believe.
Am going to stay involved but impartial.
Personally I think she's a very good high potential officer like kk. Bit high strung, liable to get stressed and burst into tears.

colour me wild

Nature's first gold 

I am for muzart

Guess my colours

I am the wrinkled trunk

That picks a flower
And uproots a tree

I am the feathers
That fan out in dance
Under overcast skies

I am the centre
Of the bull 's eye,
Poached, hardboiled 

I am the bird
Sent out by Noah
After the flood

I am the backdrop
Against which 

stars shine

I am the eye
Of the universe
Burning, giving life

I am the river
That runs in our veins
Spilling when sliced

I am what's left

After the last leaf

Has fallen

I am

Guess my colours

I am

The wrinkled trunk
That picks a flower
And uproots a tree

The feathers
That fan out in dance
Under overcast skies

The centre
Of the bull 's eye,
Poached, hardboiled

The eye
Of the universe
Burning, life giving

A bird
Sent out by Noah
To bring news of land

I scream stop
At traffic light

Melted I am colourless

Nature's first gold
I bring promise
After the rains

The broken curve
Proud flag bearer
Of age

Grey

The colour of tempests -
skies split by lghtning
Rain in sheets and waves

The colour of a trunk
Gentle enough to pluck a flower
Strong enough to uproot a tree

The colour of the Belfast sea
Washing over the Giants' Causeway
Steely waves breaking on the shore

The colour of my mood
When my day has not gone
Quite as I had wished

____

Haiku on grey

The trunk deft enough
To pluck a flower
And uproot a tree

The magic of books

How to describe this? This magic. Of books
New books read for the first time
The feel of words and the shapes they create in your minds
The memories they trigger
Of books re read
The magic of reading a part long awaited and see it unfold again
Put the book away and puzzle over new pieces that make sense

A post about colours one per stanza

Netflix ate me

The simple life

I never fully understood people's amazement at the fact that I used to read every chance I could
Busses trains while eating over lunch
I had a sense others watched movies but I never realised it
How easy it is to watch films
And therefore how tough to pick up a book
The effort my god Read words. Imagine stuff. Only go at the pace your read. What torture

I found Netflix recently.

Soccer mum

I'm a soccer mum. AGain. Watching ashwin learn soccer fills me with pride. I remember, the feeling upwelling 2 years ago wh3n he first joined to. Which quickly fell when I saw him play haha. Well here we are again. Let's see😀

The end

I've thought of ending it all
Who hasn't?
You mean some haven't?
Like my mum and saro
The innocent practical types
I love them
Now intense people
Like me my dad
We've thought of it

What stopped me?

Sitting on a parapet
Hearing him say it's over
Fiddling with the ring he gave me

Looking down
Wondering if at this height it will be death or damage
And telling myself no

What made me say no?
Knowing
There was more to life
The love of parents and friends
What if I hadn't had that ?

Hypothetical qn.

Looking down from the 6th floor of my hdb flat
I wonder how it might be
To fall to jump
If I'd float or crash
A butterfly of madness
Fluttering in my head

gift

what if my only gift is to be moved by others words
and get move others with mine

helping parents

my parents have so little expectations of us to help them
yet they help us so much
the little bit I do they magnify 10 fold

I should be more pro active and help more. I said I'd go by on sunday to help them pack. will see though. also need to spend time with the kids. ashwin is feeling it a bit.

without books

I would be lost
adrift
without the familiar sea
of words to tide me over
am escape

I'd be forced to confront my fears my anger my hopes squarely
without the enchanting foray into another world

he goes to tv
his escape
and so we both retreat into our private havens
without talking
about what needs to be said
the wall growing thicker
by page worlds on one side
and screen worlds the other

puffy eyes

my eyes are puffy
my head feels heavy
I can't quite breathe
I ain't quite well

fearsome thoughta

waiting to cross the road with a 4 year old in hand
my four year old
I wondered for a second
what might happen if I were to fling her across the road
how would she look crumpled up
how would I later react
what would I miss and remember about her
such morbid thoughts
prove
madness is just a tilt in our paradigm
anyone can become mad
for a second or longer

a suitable boy

what a book
I just finished it. 1538 pages. it's like a year.
I read to the exclusion of work and family. in the words of the poet Amit in the book (metafictive) when I get a good thick book I become a social moron. I don't attend weddings or funerals. my best friends become enemies.

yup. that's me. am happy to have emerged from the depths of those pages.

lata settled for the most suitable boy. not the boy she loved. truth. though much of the rest of the tale is fairy tale.
fine balance was just pathos. worst of India.
this is a glossed version I agree. but far more fun to read. and still has stuff to think about. very affected by reading about the chammars and how they get cheated of land.
made me appreciate the complexity of the zamindar system. why they are revered as gods and also hated. British India was a mess after the British left. race riots are not to be scorned or scoffed at. can understand Singapore hard stand against Malay Chinese riots in sg. people are just animals. need to be governed well.

A A A

Akshaya Ashwin Ram Aishwarya
their names flow like poetry
from me and him and now on their own

pearl drops rolling away perfect in tune

moon and earth in a dance

the moon and the earth are spinning and dancing with one another

every minute that passes is the past in the next minute

no way to get back first times

helpless

one feels helpless
to see a child suffering
and be unable to help

this is in ref to akshaya's prolonged diarrhea and all attendant fears. praying she is getting better now. it's been almost a month .

she is amazing. putting up with the poetry restrictions the awful meds the discomfort the pain the hospital visits. she's a little hero. coping with school work too..

cave rescue

the whole world has been riveted following the plight of 12 soccer boys and their coach who got lost in a cave in thailand. it's soccer season too with world cup.

it's been amazing. all 12 boys and coach rescued! seemed impossible. truly a miracle and very very brave caring talented skilled cave divers.

full respect.

manic monday

after working manically these past few months it feels like I am claiming back my own time and  weekends slowly.
gonna do these things
set time to out together a manuscript for children's stories and be very very strict with myself about it.

what's the point

do you wonder sometimes
What is the point of anything at all
life
just moving along
moving us alonh

Rejected poems

I still want to write but don't think I'll ever make the cut for any publication

Tired

I'm so tired.
I don't have the prospect of rest at all.
Weekend is coming and it's just more event mania
Bleah
Next break I can look forward to is next weekend only.

U S A again the sick and immoral country unsafe

The country has done it again.
They are taking away children from parents.
I cant magine that . That would surely deter other migrants from crossing. Who would want to take that risk

He can do it coz he does not care about anyone anything other than his interests. It must be the first time us has a president like that.

There but for the grace of God go I

How many of us think like that
It's so easy to ignore forget about what's happening to other people. Yo look down on them
What if we were not born here?

Instead of assessing the scale of its problems and making wise decisions ... e.g. gun problem is bigger kills more people than ever in the us and these gun shooters are not immigrant kids. Instead of taking the tough stance of removing gums from streets and homes he chooses to tackle the tough problem of immigration by separating kids from adults.
Will the border patrol guys stand up and day no
If they all strike they can't do this

My kinda day and not my kinda day

My kind of day is
The totally unscheduled one
I'm relaxed patient
I can spend time with the kids
I don't snap at them not tell at them

The minute I feel I have to get them ready to meet someone else and all I go crazy
My anxiety makes me unpredictable volatile and scary

I scared my kids yesterday so unnecessary
Coz my girl didn't smile as she went to bed.
I was at the end of my tether. All three wanted me and I just wanted to sleep
I'm also so insecure
I need my kids approval

I have to stop that. I don't need their approval. I just have to do my best for them without needing them to say thank you.
I scared them. I scared myself
I'm setting an example for them on how to behave when tired. Just shout scream bully the others.
Akshaya bullies them because I bully her.
But she's so morose. Maybe that's just her nature.
The other two are easy going
She always wants more always looks sad
Maybe that's just her.
I shouldn't take it personally.

Whatever her behaviour I had no call to he so harsh. They are terrified of me.
Now i see it. They had had a great day with me and wanted to call asleep around me.
Sigh.
I'm just awful.

And I feel so conflicted. Like. My parents aren't free  I'm so busy at work. I have a ton of things to do. And these brothers schedule an open house this weekend. And expect me to be there. But it's my part business too. It's just awful.

Food

I feel so sad
The food I make
No one at home likes

Tried making black pepper mock meat today. I thought it was good. Akshaya looked tortured. Ashwin gamely are just 2.

I've made so much not sure what to do. Should I throw it away. Pass some to Meena or my Mum? What if they hate it too.

I shall leave some for saro. Some for me. Say 8 prices total. Rest pass to my parents.

Aishu sweet heartbreaking turns

She's been full of it this weekend.
Wanted a bike . Went to the shop..found the purple one sold out.
It's okay I like this cycle.
Only colour is different.
But that didn't work either
Just accepted it.
Sunshine personality!

Frankenbooger Frankenstein

Saturday morning
Ashwin mentioned frankenbooger in his captain underpants series. And was laughing wondering how tbat can be scary.
.so I told them briefly about Frankenstein. They wanted to know more.
I told then the whole thing in summary
Asked them questions
They gave such good thoughtful answers
Ashwin felt sorry for the monster as it had no friends
Aishu felt sorry for the inventor for creating a monster he didn't mean to

When i explained the monsters request they got it. That. Series of baby monsters was so scary. And the dilemma . What to do. Can the creator destroy his creations.
We make Lego we break it
Can I also destroy my kids
They were quick to say no. And explained it. They have feelings. Dreams. Nightmares
So awesome. Discussing what makes humans diff from robots.
Then this monster has feelings. So how
Aishu suggested the inventor makes himself a monster to keep the monster company. She agrees she wouldn't want to be a monster though
Ashwin suggested he create a boy monster so they can be friends without having babies
Was so super. Loved discussing Frankenstein with them

Then by chance thay evening we found a children's version off Frankenstein and bought it. Akshaya has finished it. Ashwin is reading it though he doesn't fully get it. Just magic

Sonnet

Journey to motherhood

When i think of my deep longing for you
The temple rounds, the church pews I knelt on
The cold baths at wells. The long train rides to
Far-off shrines to drink bitter concoctions

I feel pain. My own body betrayed me.
Month after month, red marks said i failed
The fasts the prayers the lamps lit with ghee
Still nothing.

We tried absurd positions for you
Legs in the air well after the matter
Revolving doctors. Popping pills anew
IUI. again. Ready to shatter

When the last rays of hope thinned to despair
A blue line beside the red said you were there

Lowland

Good book
Quiet
Meditative
At first I found it false and restrictive.
All that silence.
Totally lacking life
Later I realised it was intentional
To morrow the restrictions the characters were feeling
All had such tough lives

1. Udhayan. Rising with the sun. But he died so young. Before 30. For a cause. Worthy? 50 years ok they are still fighting.

Kills a policeman for no reason other than he's a policeman. Brainwashed. Terrorist organisation truly.

Yet.. cuts a lonely idealistic fellow. So young. Shot in the back.

2. Gauri. Used and uses. Left pregnant. After knowing he didn't want a kid. She didn't want one either. So baby brings mixed feelings. Trapped by udhayan . First his parents. Then his child and brother. Truly suffocating. Implicit in having had the policeman killed. Not called to account. The guilt. Not able to reach out. Hiding in PhD work. No maternal feelings.

3. Subhash. Too nice. Takes responsibility foe udhyan and gauri. And bela. He does all the naming. An act of owning. And yet. A crippling fear that keeps his Daughter at bay for years. Till she is 34!

4. Bela. Poor child. Loveless marriage. Hurting. Thinking she couldn't get her mum to love her. Blaming the father for not having kept the mother. Not understanding the lack of love between them and the shadow of udhayan between them. His blood running in her still. Also the mother's. Keeping aloof. Her cutting remarks to her mum are the first sign of explosive feeling in her.

Want to have to

The four year old sees me bogged down by my work which seems never ending
I'm not  the type to bring work home and worry at it constantly ignoring the kids

She asks
Do you Do the work you do because you have to or you want to

What a question

No one makes me do what I'm doing
But i feel I have to
So that means I want to or have to?

00.00

The time is now 00.00
It will be like this for exactly 60 seconds each day

Monday morning

5.45 am
The little one comes to the hall rubbing her eyes and takes me by the hand to her room to show me the moon
We sit on her bed and she guides me to tilt my head to the just the right angle  to see the brilliant white moon framed by dark clouds
We watch the moon play peek a boo with us teasing us behind a curtain of grey before shocking us with its white brilliance before completely vanishing before our eyes
She provides a running commentary alongside each dramatic appearance of the moon.
Initially she feels the moon itself is moving around. Then she realises.. eyes widening at the chance to use a phrase she's not used before..she announces "it's a passing cloud!"
A minute later she observes  "it's a huge passing cloud"

And im thinking
I've been up since 3.45 working
I'm nowhere near done
A passing cloud
Huge but.. passing nevertheless
She shines light on me as i watch the moonlight play on her, her eyes outshining the brilliant moon any day.

Time to think

I want to have time to just sit do nothing and not feel guilty
My mind is aflame
Cycles
Repeated patterns
Life cycles
Stupidity cycles
Wooden cycles
Woolen cycles

To have experienced the cold of winter in Holland and then read the book
It's different
They nearly starved . Who knows. Maybe Edith Anne and Margot would have died anyway
We all die one day

It's crowded in my head

It's crowded in my head
My work -the chapters I have to write
Characters from books I'm reading
jostling for space
Winston Smith and Miep Gies now
My philosophical leanings
On the world we live in
And the wretches we all are
My own fears rising
Knowing
I'm not a good mother
Competing with
Cut yourself some slack
I'm not exercising
I suck as a boss

Breathe.
Drink coconut mocha
Get to work
Shove these thoughts aside
As I do papers at my desk
Clear some space for the work of now
Deal with the rising tide of papery thoughts
Later
I'll never be able to catch up with the kids

Mothers and daughters

Always at crossroads
I ignore her
She's happy
So I shall ignore her all the time

Inuka

Farewell inuka
People mourned the passing of ah meng
I was much younger then.
I felt a twinge when the white tigers died.
A sense of time passing.
For the animals
For us
With inuka I was moved
Not just by its passing
But by the visible grief of the keepers and well wishers
Which polar bear has had so many people love it and mourn it
It must have been a great soul
For is it not our duty
To live life such that
At least one person will truly miss us?
And the more who do the more the sign of the loves your life has touched
And so a bear dies
And it may garner more missing than a beggar
Not right. By far. But still
Like that deer who attained moksha by thinking of Krishna
I hope inuka too is there now
Gamboling at His feet
Playing with his cows perhaps
God bless you dear Inuka
For bless you.

Seapowrimo

I thought I knew how to swim
Until I found out I didn't
In the middle of the sea
Surrounded by Greek Islands

On our honeymoon. Sort of.
2 years after we got hitched
My sensible half and I
Hopped onto a chic ferry

To see hot springs off the coast
of Mykonos. Only it
stops Mid ocean. the skipper
says jump off, swim to the springs.

Well. No life jackets in sight.
Bronzed bodies leap like dolohins
into the ocean Laughing,
The prudent half is prudent

With no illusions about
his swimming skills, unlike me.
I am not leaving without
seeing the promised springs

I strike out, only the sea
Seems to go on forever
The water stays green My arms
are tiring. I'm gasping

Then I start seeing shadows
of brown beneath and i think
God. Land. I can touch the ground
And I try. Only I can't.

Now I panic.  Headlines flash.
"Young lady drowns while reaching
out for eternal hot springs."
I notice a man treading

water like he lives at sea.
I make my way up to him
Instead of shouting "Help Me!"
I say with all the decorum

possible to muster while
trying not to drown : "scuse me
sir. I'm having some trouble.
May I hold on to you please"

He nods, puzzled at the kind
of trouble I'm having since
I obviously have no
trouble speaking in complete

sentences even if they
come out a bit breathless-
I hold on to his arm for
five seconds while i scan the

sea for something friendlier
To hold on to.  i spot it
A small rock that looks sturdy.
I strike out again. This time

I find the rock, clamour on and
stand there for a full minute.
Shivering in cold. Also
Realising my folly

In taking on the Greek seas
without knowing how to swim.
Realising I can't swim!
Dreading that I must go back.

I crawl up to the hot springs
I sit in them forlonly
For five minutes. I made it.
Yeah whatever. Now focus.

I take a deep breath and start
for the ferry, arms flailing.
I float on my back to rest
then I swing wildly again

I spy the romantic half
Snapping photographs of me
I'd have yelled if i could have.
This is NOT sexy swimming

I make it back. Cannot speak.
Shivering again. He says
"Where is your wedding ring, love?"
Stare at him I announce

"I nearly died!"

I had paid the sea my ring
in return for life, thank you.
Back home i start lessons in
Swimming. if not now then when?

On trying days i tell myself
I took on the Greek ocean
without knowing how to swim...
I can do just anything!

5 Sep 05

05.09.05

I thought I knew how to swim
Until I found out I didn't
In the middle of the Greek ocean

On our honeymoon. Sort of.
2 years to the date
My more prudent half and I
Are on a ferry
headed to hot springs
Off the coast of Mykonos.

Only the ferry stops
Mid ocean
And the skipper says
Jump off and swim to the springs.

Well.
No life jackets or buoys in sight.

Bronzed bodies leap into the ocean
Laughing, splashing.

The prudent half is prudent and has no illusions about his swimming skills.
I on the other hand am not leaving without seeing the hot springs
So I jump in
Red bikini and all

I strike out
Only
The sea seems to go on and on
The water stays green forever. My arms are tiring. I'm gasping for breath.
Then I start seeing shadows of brown beneath and i think
God. Land. I can touch the sea ground now.
And I try
Only I can't.
Now I panic.
I see the headlines flashing already
Young lady drowns while reaching out for eternal hot springs.
I see a man treading water like he lives in the sea
I struggle up to him
Instead of shouting "help! I'm drowning!"
I say with all the decorum possible to muster while trying not to drown
"Excuse me sir. I'm having a bit of trouble. May I hold on to you for awhile?"
Greek men aren't particularly friendly. They are handsome  in the gruff sort of way. He just nods ..  possibly puzzled at the kind of trouble I'm having since I obviously have no trouble speaking in full sentences even if they come out a bit breathless.
I hold on to his arm for five seconds while i scan the sea for something friendlier to hold on to.  i spot a small rock that looks tethered to the ground.
Then I strike out again. This time i don't fall for the ruse of brown shadows meaning ground I can stand on. I just swim. (I was dog paddling- now I know).
I find the rock and clamour on and stand there shivering for a full minute. Shivering in cold. Realisation of my folly in taking on the Greek ocean without knowing how to swim. Realising damn I  don't know how to swim! And the dread that man I have to go back too.

I crawl to the hot spring and stand in them forlon for 5 min. Yay I made it. Yeah whatever.
The I take a deep breath and start again for the ship. I swim then float on my back to rest then I swim again and float again.
I spy the better half clicking photos a d i want to scream. I'm not swimming in just staying alive!
I make it back. Can't speak. Shivering again. He says
"Where's your ring??"
I reply
"I nearly died!"
So I paid the sea my ring in return for life
Came back to singapore and started swimming classes straight away.
And now i tell myself
Man I swam in the Greek ocean when i didn't  know  how to swim.
I can do anything!

World of dew

The world of dew
Is the world of dew
And yet... and yet...

What is an island
But a dew drop
In the ocean

And what is earth
But a dew drop
In space

And when the world ends
As it one day must
It will end in dew drops

Of dust

When the world ends
Dust in the world of dew

And yet ...and yet...
A finger lightly
Presses it apart

Sleeping baby

A working mom's distress

I bend down to kiss her rose petal cheeks and pick up my handbag and laptop on my way out to work
Thinking,
today her sunny smiles will light up someone else's day.
Her eyes and hands will animate her stories to someone else.
Someone else will wipe away her tears, hug and comfort her when things don't go well.
Someone else will beam and cheer her on when she magically does something today she didn't know how to the day before.
At night
when i come in
I will see her
being read to by someone else.
I will waft to the bathroom
And then to her room to give her a good night kiss before I have my dinner and sleep.
And I wonder
How is she mine or I hers ?

Observations While cycling

I pedal forward
Precariously balancing lunch bag on one handle
Laptop bag on other handle
Handbag slung over the shoulder

Ahead of me come two teenage girls
Fairly identical
Pale skinned long hair in uniforms slight build  and both looking down on phones as they walk side by side
The new norm
I ring the bell.
They look up
Side step
Look down

I keep cycling
A junction
I have a minute to spare
My fingers itch
To reach for my phone
Who wastes time now?
To stop think reflect
It's reflex
Reach for the phone
Scroll
Then think maybe
Should i switch to Facebook orTwitter or Snapchat or Instagram
The light changes
I move on
A stop but not to think

Green

A little island - marooned off in the concrete wilderness if singapore
A grove of trees
Forgotten perhaps ... ensconced between two major roads already undergoing re routing and change
An oasis of trees reaching to the skies
Kaplan river Corraled like a canal on a third side
A path almost no one takes
Takes me there
Silent
Hopeful
Praying no one notices them
Or the ground they stand on
How good a condo here will look
Prime location
Next to downtown line
Branches up as if to hide it's face or cry to the skies
Ignore me so I survive
Admire not my beauty
Once consumed can be belched out
Let me remain
Overlooked
And beautiful

Dead tired

Dead weights Sit on me
My arms my legs my eyelids
Leadened and deadened
I feel I can never rise again

Cotton candy

Pink and blue crystals pour out of the scoop
Into a spinning vortex
weaving clouds tinged pink and blue
Melting on the faces of cherubs

Stump of a tree

Running for bus number 16 opposite orchard Mrt

So it's easier now to run for the bus
Over the grave of a tree that was stumped before being sawed before being cemented over and paved to oblivion

I preferred stumbling over the roots in my race for the bus

Perfect nother

Perfect mother

It is not possible to be a perfect mother
To smile and be happy and be patient with little brats all the time

Confessions

Today I confessed
To the error in the syllabus
To tutoring a kid
To receiving free books from.pm associates.

Off centre

I just read off centre.
I'm so mad at our system.
Our system that prompts kids to jump off
That makes kids go mad
That makes them feel if they aren't top of the race they aren't worth anything
That makes kids feel their worth is measured by grades
I'm sick of this system I'm part of.

Other works echo
Inheritance. Also on mental illness and what is okay in Singapore
Deepa. Kanna' s fears that may not be so irrational after all..
I feel sick.

I'm at the coffee shop and feel like i cant move
If we could abolish psle what could that mean?
If we assure all kids they will get educated . No need for certs. They will get educated.
Every child guaranteed 10 to 12 year education
Have a test at 16. Give all a chance to sit for same test at 17. Choose best grades over both years.

All you want is a smile

All you want is a smile to acknowledge you exist

Liquid dance moves

His chubby cheeks

At 6 going on 7
His cheeks shine
Soft and pinchable.
Squishy little fellow-
I want to curl him into my lap and hold him there
Stroke his hair his forehead those cheeks

I dare not let go.

When i do
He will spring back
Not to his little michevious self
But into a moody 16-year old going on 17
Lanky, stubble starting on his now smooth cheeks and chin

And I will wonder -
where did all that time go
stretching him out from 6 to 16
Like kids' slime or playdough
and where had I been then?

View from an airplane window

View from a window 650000 m above ground
--------------

The clouds stretch out like fields of cornflowers towards the setting sun

Against my will my eyelids pull shut

They open to a different scene, lit in black and white
And right at my window
A blazing white disc
Sharp enough to cut
Blinding

I could reach out to touch it
Only it would burn me

The stars dim beside it

It is too full, too bright
to capture on camera .
Madonna and her child
Etched like a temple stone carving

It rises before me,  with all its shade?  shadows, craters and all
In less than a minute it will be overhead over my plane

But for now it's here
Achingly
close.

Who has the right to die

A very provocative statement

Who has the right to die
The maimed?
The intellectually challenged ?
Or the greedy?
The cruel?
What if we are greedy sometimes and cruel sometimes?

Letter to myself

My biggest fears

Not knowing myslef
Find myslef

If i had 100 000 dollars what would I do

I'd like to educate one or two poor kids somewhere.

Friends

I worry I have lost a friend
Sutha
Not writing to me
Maybe closed her heart up to me
Maybe she's crying
I doubt she doesn't care
If she didn't care she would have written back straight away
I wish mails had the two ticks too
I behaved badly and now that I've said sorry I want instant forgiveness
It's like I'm still a kid

God
Help us heal this rift
My last threesome holiday I ruined
Maybe I can't do threesomes
Only solo or big group or pair

Pair so full attention is given
Group where attention does not matter and I can flit between people like. A butterfly

Spwm day 2 female perspective

Poem from pov of female heroine real or mythological or fictional

Seetha

Aung san su kyi

If you had said the word
I would have left
You coward
Beastly coward
You sent your brother to leave me
Sita talks to draupadi

You... maiden of the Mahabharata
Me.. maiden of the Ramayana

Sita to Draupadi
---------------
If i were you...
I would have left all five of them
I would have burnt the village with the fire in my eyes
Like Kannagi burnt Madhurai
Only i would have started with that wastrel gambler who gambled you together with your house
Then the brute who called you alms
Then the mother... pure mother of five whose word once given can't be taken back but whose son could be given away in a basket on a river
Then the other big one too big to go against his brother
And the twins so nondescript I can't recall them except that their names rhymes 

Ahem

Yes

I'm the afore mentioned Kannagi

Oh hi. Welcome.

I burnt Madurai. I should have burnt him first. Left me for a dancer Madhavi

Ahem

Yes

I am the afore mentioned dancer.. madhavi.

I used to hate you
It's not your fault
Baby born among the prostitutes
What choice did you have
You spoke back to him once
And he came running to me

I was tired of him kannagi
Such a whiner
I kicked him back to you
A Kovalan shaped ball
With not much balls

But you seetha... chips in Draupadi

Yes

If i were you
I would have left rama
Before he left you
Nine months pregnant with twins
In the forest
You who stayed true to him when Ravana desired you
For what a dhoby said
He was too good for you

Today we, Draupadi, Seetha, Kannagi &
Madhavi.. heroines of the great Indian epics protest.
Against the male writers who wrote our stories
Impinging their values and dreams of us in books
Otherwise fantastic stories
But for the fate of us women
We protest
Against these epic portrayals of epic feminity
Demure before husbands
Fierce before people to protect husband's

Spwm day 3 rapper bonus

R and b or rap sing and write a memory poem

Spwm day 1 h2o

Bodies of water
Shimmering shining at the surface
Deep and enveloping below the surface
Whirl pools and swirl pools
Home to the strangest creatures
The cross eyed squid
The fish with the translucent head

The world in a bead of water
Chasing its brother up a windscreen
When the elements interact
Wind and water on a glass surface
Like liquid glass beads on a clear glass surface

Drops of water trickle down your back

Raindrops on a windscreen
--------
A passing cloud unloads liquid gemstones on the screen at the traffic light
The car starts up.
A lone bead chases its brother up the screen - then another follows and another
Drops zip behind other drops
When wind meets water

Like a glass marble rolling on a glass table

I watch entranced.

As light breeze blows

World of books

There's A world of books I'd like to read... just not sure how and when to do it
1. A column of fire by ken fillet
2. A brief history of tomorrow and sapiens by yuval Noah harari
3. The girl with the pearl earring
4. Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy

Moon

I've never been nearer the moon in my life I could reach out and touch it
It might burn me with its light

The stars dim beside it

It is too full too bright to capture on camera . Only in my minds eye. Something for my inner wordsworth

I see Madonna and her child
My Malar and Mira

I see the moon rise before me
Soon it will be over my head over my plane
Bit now it's here
Achingly close
And its gone
Too soon

First it was lit with a soft golden hue
Then the horizons lit purple blue
Then Start the crystal moon

Trip

It's been a dream being here with malar and baby.
Wonder if sutha feels a bit left out.
I'm torn.
I want to go home and help her make lunch.
I want to stay here and help malar with baby. Want to do two things. Both don't really need my help of course. All the mothers here are on their own. In sg people always come in pairs with baby. Mum and dad. Mum and grandma. Mum and helper. Here all just come on their own. Make milk with one hand while holding baby in the other.

Things we did. I arrived on Thursday night having watched delightful films all flight through.

Met sutha at the airport. Dinner then sleep. Next morning Anne frank house. Then lunch. Then a tram ride out to van Gogh museum and back. Then around the red light district.
Then the train to Eindhovan to meet malar.
Sat sun with malar and jeroen. No idea what we did on Sat. Sun aft we all went to the   yogurt barn.
Monday we all went to the tulip gardens
Tuesday we had homemade lunch and went to Nuenen..van Gogh village
Wednesday we went to Maastricht. A town by the river Maas. So picturesque. Where we went to a library in a church and a sensory garden with an amazing Mediterranean dinner.
Thursday sutha and I rented bikes and cycled out to the St Catherine Church - 16th century medieval church! And a little farm where we bought fresh cheese and played with calves.
Friday we cooked lunch again at home after Mira' s vaccination and I went shopping!
Afghan dinner at home and black mirror

So now after malar's home some ideas
1. Get net flix
2. Buy a coffee maker
3. Have cornflakes with soy milk
4. Buy a hair thickening conditioner
5. Stop buying dirt cheap clothes. Cut down. Travel light.

Lines from sutha

I didnt see the sun for 6 weeks after i miss to Ireland
And then it put in only a 9 to 5 workday appearance . Weak light and not much heat

I need to write

I have a lot of thoughts crowding my head right now.
Not the least of which is how annoying spellchecker is. But nevermind about that.

1. Seems like reading can indeed solve lots of problems. I wish i had more power to dictate how el should be taught. Hehe.

2. I plan to continue flooding my house with books books books. The kids will grow up well adjusted happy well read intelligent. Books. All we need.

3. I should be working. It's sat.

Regardless of race

30 years ago
A boy i didn't know
Called me paki
through his window

Late one night, when i was 20
Feeling tipsy, i hailed a taxi
Uncle said kleng kleng
I sobered up quickly

As a working mother at 30,
I felt quite guilty
You're the best Indian mum I've ever seen"
My boss said to console me

Yesterday in the kindy
4-year old Johnny
Wouldn't hold my daughter's hand
Said she's 'dirty'

Today at gym class
6-year old Stace
Laughed at my son
Called him poop face

The pledge has not changed
In my 40 years of grace
We still say
regardless of race. 

Saaral

Saaral.
There is no word in the English Language
Quite so precise
As saaral
To describe that cool misty spray of water you feel on your upturned face
As you lean out to close the window
When it starts to
Rains
Or the gentle spray that drizzles
on your eyelids and cheeks
as you stand giggling with your eyes closed in front of the waterfall
at gardens by the bay.

Learn by going

I learn by doing what I need to learn

Hurt

Yesterday i felt a bit hurt.
I found out the ex lit sls team met up and had so much fun
They never called me. I was not part of the team I guess.
But still. It feels like only I miss them. They just see me as ad or boss or something. They probably bitch about me too who knows who cares.
.people I still miss. Rani . Jean.
And June and janet.

Feels like June led a more close knit team than i did. Sigh.

What of 2

What if my teacher had a gun?
And the backstreet boys don't bring their homework again and smart mouth him again
And his temple starts throbbing
And he reaches into his bag for his ruler
And he feels the holster
And
The boys shooting off their mouths would shut up pretty fast

What if my teacher had a gun?
Rugby Randy would tackle him for it
And train it on me for sure

What if my teacher had a gun?
Thriving Sally would nick it off him in a jiffy

What if my teacher had a gun?
He's so forgetful he'd leave it in the john for me to find

What if my teacher had a gun?
The next shooter will take him down first and then the rest of us

What if my teacher had a gun
And I had a gun
Pretty neat to watch

If he's getting a gun... I'm getting one too.
What if we all had a gun
The world would be a peaceful place

What if

What if my teacher had a gun?
The Backstreet boys shooting off their mouths would shut up pretty fast

What if my teacher had a gun?
Rugby Randy would tackle him for it
And train it on me for sure

What if my teacher had a gun?
Thriving Sally would nick it off him in a jiffy

What if my teacher had a gun?
He's so forgetful he'd leave it in the john for me to find

What if my teacher had a gun?
The next shooter will take him down first and then the rest of us

What if my teacher had a gun
And I had a gun
Pretty neat to watch

If he's getting a gun... I'm getting one too.
What if we all had a gun
The world would be a peaceful place

Drama in the life of a 7 year old

All the drama of the life of a seven year old
You study for a test and your best pal tells you he didn't. He warns you you better not study the next time. What's a 7 year old to do?

Days like this

Days like this
When the work
Stretches out in never ending swirls
The end of which I haplessly chase

I want to grab Time by the collar and hold it up against the wall. Thuggish.
Finish the backlog
Then dusting it off.. let it go again.

And no one will know I dropped out of time for awhile

Guns

Let there be guns he said
For they bring us money

Their lives have jus begun
Let there be guns

Love

Who is the more hurt
The one who can't bear to give away tokens of love
Or the one who can't bear to keep them?

Who deserves the golden mango.
The sincere diligent one
Or the one with the out of box thinking ?

Ghazal

Refrain: tonight today now love baby rain
I could use rain

Tonight it may rain
Troubles rains
Running in the rain
Rain before the sun
Umbrella the rain
Blessings in rain

I could use baby

Gun violence
Ridiculous
Malala got shot at schools by terrorists wanting to keep her mouth shut. Just her.

These kids got shot. So random. So frequent. So much more scary? No. But scary. 

The fantabulous zoo

Welcome welcome
To the fantabulous zoo
Everything here is just a little
Marvellous as you will see too

On the right you will see

A hungry hippo perched on a reed
Flapping electric blue wings
He  has spied some fish on which to feed
While the blue king Fisher
wallows in mud
A blown up balloon on two dainty feet

On your left you will see

A leatherback turtle foraging for leaves
On trees up high
It's spotted neck stretched to the sky
While the giraffe sticks spindly legs
Out of a patchwork shell
Snapping at sea weed ferociously

As you move up the road
Do look out for the cunning red fox
Hopping behind the

Come in come in
But be warned
You may not leave the same

Special time

Last Sunday I hit on this idea to spend 20 to 30 min with each child alone..no phone no distractions. Doing something the kid liked. With Ashwin it was wrestling. With Akshaya it was a talk about the need and birds!! With aishu it was playing a game and reading a book. They really treasured it!

Then last night i was down and played the piano. Little one came to me and said how come you only play with deepa and not your own child!! She's just so sharp I tell You!

Earlier she gave me an hongbao fron school and told me with her eyes lips face everything. This is for chikdren who jave no eyes no ears no hands we must give them sone money! I handed over 20 dollars no qn asked!

US shooting. Again.

Looks like teenagers may help bring about change no one else has been able to. To the gun laws in America. So unfathomable. I would tell my self I can't be bothered except that I've got cousins and nieces and nephews studying there! How can I say I dont care?

Days

I love these days
Where I dont watch the clock
Where I have no idea how long I've spent with the kids at the playground and eating ice cream
Just glorious time laid out in front of me for me to walk on as slowly as we all want
Much the less 5 more min.. enough to feel we had enough time to have fun
Such a luxury!

He called me

Out of nowhere.
And shared he's been taking deepa to speech therapy class
He was so animated until he suddenly realised I may share all this with aatha and then he clamped up
From his view everything my parents have done is wrong wrong wrong
That one trip to the doc where they checked her for autism really is something he can't get over.
At least he is taking her for treatment now. And when he explains to me I get it why unexpected visits could throw her off and that a relaxing routine is critical for her. But they didn't know that . And he's determined to think ill of them. He doesn't believe that they have good intentions. He actually thinks they are sarcastic to a child! Their grandchild. He's willing himself to believe the worst of them. It is possible his wife had turned him against them one never knows.
He believes she feels like crap after they talk to her! And she blossoms when saro speaks to her!!! Sounds to me he's projecting his feelings onto her. Likely he can't stand the sight of them talking to her and it pains him.
Still. All this out of love for his daughter. And he is taking her to speech therapy and acting upon it. All that is good. If only he could have trusted them to tell them. They would have stopped turning up. He doesn't feel he can trust them.

Perhaps I too would be very very angry and upset had i found out they had taken any of my kids for an autistic test. Or any test.

Still..sigh. They are both hurting. Smarting. And this will take time. But its not an unhealable rift I think. Perhaps things won't ever go back to "normal". But hopefully they do go back to being able to see each other and talk about deepa.  

My parents still love him.

So sad. Praying to  god all is well.

Heart breaking rift

My dad and brother spoke. My dad told him how hurt he was at my brothers words. He was quite shattered really. Huge blow. He had thought he was my brother's hero and to find out what he really thought of him hurt.
My brother said sorry many times. His sorry many times is.. in my opinion and experience... not really a sorry at all. More of a desperate way of stopping what is hurting or painful as quickly as possible. And indeed. He seems happy not having my parents over. He speaks normally to my mum about other things.
My parents now feel that he thinks they aren't good for the child. That hurts them. The fact that he knows how he hurt them and is doing nothing to alleviate their hurt or to make amends or build bridges that involves them seeing Deepa is really hurtful now. They can't pretend he doesn't know . So they have to accept he knows and doesn't want things to change.
That's painful.
All they had was concern for deepa and now it looks like they may not get to see her again!!! I hope it palls over. He is not one to genuinely apologise. He wont. But... to keep them from their beloved grand daughter... They must be strong. I love them. The whole world loves them looks up to them. Their own son treats them like dirt and dangerous scum around their kid! Such irony.
Kanna has no idea how lucky we are to have had our parents as our parents.
Maybe one day he will know the pain he caused them and feel truly sorry.

Looking good

You look so good
In your skin coloured, figure hugging dress accentuating your curves, that flat tummy
Your dark blonde hair swinging free till the middle of your back
Pushing your baby girl in a pram beside your man pushing her brother in another. He wears jeans and tee and pushes off - waiting for you but only just, as you adjust the hem of your dress at mid calf. You take wider strides with your toned legs to catch up and pause to adjust the rising hem again. He pauses too-  for half a second - with nothing to adjust... he's off ahead.

I would rather push a pram in jeans and tee. 

-------
You look so good
In your skin coloured, figure hugging dress accentuating smooth round cups,   that flat tummy
Your dark blonde hair swinging free till the middle of your back
Pushing your baby girl in a pram beside your man pushing her brother in another. He wears jeans and tee and pushes off - waiting for you but only just, as you adjust the hem of your dress at mid calf. You take wider strides with your toned legs to catch up and pause to adjust the rising hem again. He pauses too-  for half a second - with nothing to adjust... he's off ahead.

I would rather push a pram in jeans and tee. 

Friends like pearls revised

I collect my friends
Like freshwater pearls over time-
An amulet. Now
They scatter across the table
Yearning
To string together again

They talked

My brother came over the other day and it felt as if nothing at all had happened. On one side my dad was close to a breakdown wanting to see a psychiatrist admiring he was depressed wondering why he couldn't just go to god now saying he thought kanna woyld be happy of he was gone.
And here was kanna totally cheerful and nonchalant.
Then he went to pass my dad things and my dad spoke to him. About the need for open conversation and tgat he had been so hurt by his words. All he could say was sorry sorry sorry. His sorry. They sound insincere when he rattles them out quickly. It's like Ashwin when he just wants the pain to stop. Not registering anything at all. I would like to stop his sorry midway and ask him what exactly are you sorry for???
Anyway. Happy they talked. He needs to know how much he hurt my parents oh so casually.
It's been a rough time for them for more than a year now. All because of their love for deepa and a lack of communication between them.

Where do birds go revised

Where do birds go when they die?
Maybe they just fall from the sky.
And when they fall where do they lie?

Do they dissolve into the air,
Melt into earth, unaware?
Maybe, they float on like a prayer.

Does a coastal bird end in the sea,
A tropical bird become a tree?
Does a city bird just cease to be?

Where do birds go when they die?

Where do birds go revised

Where do birds go when they die?
Maybe they just fall from the sky.
And when they fall where do they lie?

Do they dissolve into the air,
Melt into the earth, unaware?
Maybe, they float on like a prayer.

Does a coastal bird end in the sea,
A tropical bird become a tree?
Does a city bird just cease to be?

Where do birds go when they die?

They talked

My brother came over the other day and it felt as if nothing at all had happened. On one side my dad was close to a breakdown wanting to see a psychiatrist admiring he was depressed wondering why he couldn't just go to god now saying he thought kanna woyld be happy of he was gone.
And here was kanna totally cheerful and nonchalant.
Then he went to pass my dad things and my dad spoke to him. About the need for open conversation and tgat he had been so hurt by his words. All he could say was sorry sorry sorry. His sorry. They sound insincere when he rattles them out quickly. It's like Ashwin when he just wants the pain to stop. Not registering anything at all. I would like to stop his sorry midway and ask him what exactly are you sorry for???
Anyway. Happy they talked. He needs to know how much he hurt my parents oh so casually.
It's been a rough time for them for more than a year now. All because of their love for deepa and a lack of communication between them.

The moon

The moon a pale disc in the morning sky
A cloud among clouds it a little more distinct

Words twisting knives

My father is hurt. So very hurt by words my brother has used about him. Such hurting words.
He's going berserk. He's suspicious of them thinks they are trying to show off how good they are
He's becoming a very bitter young man. Can't see the light side of things
For my parents it's so painful for they have only ever shown love to them.
They need to stop seeing them for awhile. It's his loss.
But... He's my brother. I love him. They still love him even after all the hurt He's caused. But they need to love from afar. Such a rift. They may not speak with one another again for awhile.
My brother. He needs help. But he needs to see he needs help first. If words could kill.... my dad and mum started wondering why they were even living! No parent should have to think things like that.
I have hurt them terribly too before. Recent years have been better mostly after i have had kids. Can appreciate them better i guess. I tell the kids to love them.

I dont want aishu to go near them. They resent her for she shows off to them the difference between deepa and her..

My parents love deepa. Theu feel guilty at not spending time with her. So they go as often as they can. They feel if they speak to her more she will speak more. He wants to do as much as he can for her. But my bother misconstrues all this. He is unable to see their good intentions. He's dealing with surfaces constantly. He's not even going deep into his own emotions. It's a bit scary.

He's gone crazy thinking about autism like its a bad word! He's using it to accuse my dad! Autism is not an accusation. It's a condition!!!

And he can't stop blaming people for things. He's never really learned to stop and take responsibility.

When he crashed the car the car was faulty he was faultless. When he failed his driving test it was coz the instructor was biased. If he had been a girl woth a short skirt he would have passed. That's what he said!
When he didnt follow up on the girl he liked it was my parents fault for making him think he needs an arranged marriage
Now his daughter might meed intervention and it's my dad's fault for passing on autistic genes to her.
How did he come to this???

Vetri Vel Muruganukku.. Arogara

Hi. I did it. Seluthifined Paal Kudam. Was a tough one and feels good for that. A sense of achievement pervades when there is a struggle of some sort. This was no major struggle I must qualify.

I did a stage by stage fast.
A month ago I gave up eggs
Three weeks ago I started my cold water baths morning and evening. That was during the height of the coldest days in sg ever haha! 21 degrees c with cold winds
Two weeks ago I kind of started no intimacy with saro. Though we hadn't been intimate in ages already. But I mean no touching.
Then a week ago I started what was toughest for me. I didn't eat from 8 to 6pm. Some days I had my meal later than that. Now I know that's not a mean feat . Many people do that regularly. Lydia only eats one meal a day. Leonard generally skips lunch.
But for me.. I like food haha so that was tough for me. But i did it. I didn't even fully starve I had a cup of milo everyday to help me manage! But its better than last year when I fasted from 10 to 5 pm for 7 days. 
It's good to do this once in a while. Makes you appreciate what it must feel like for Muslims who fast so strenuously for a whole month  and of course those who don't have a choice. I also stayed away from chocolates 😀.
During this week we had two feasts I missed. A very nice branch lunch and a housewarming lunch.
I also didn't tell anyone about my fasting. It's personal. Just recording it here for my self my reference.

So the fast made it interesting and challenging.

Then yesterday we walked with kavadi. 6km or so. I was short on food ya but that was ok. It was so hot! We started at around 2pm plus. But it cooled down.
Then paal kudam started early because of the eclipse. So after a long 3.5 hour walk with a headache I got home to sleep for just 1 hour 15 min and was back at temple by 11pm. Started walking at around 12.30 and got back to temple only at4.so another 3.5 hour walk
This was mostly waiting with a jump start jump start move in the wee hours of the morning. Most challenging was fighting sleep.
But after all of that.. done! Seluthifined my paal kudam! Kept it on my head. Did not fall asleep. Helped others stay awake by playing thumb war games. Kept my hand on my kudam and my other on another lady's kudam to help her. Sang om shakthi om shakthi om. I even led the songs for awhile singing ganapathyae!!! So many people helping one another stay awake for the prathanai. It's a wonderful feeling!

And I had so much support. My parents dropped me. Akshaya packed everything for me. She even left me an encouraging note wishing me luck! This was awesome. It was tough and I had a lot of support and by Murugan' s kind grace.. I did it!!

Omg I've just gone in about me me me.
Ashwin walked the full 3.5 hours in sun and rain with Karthik and had so much fun .Karthik was carrying kavadi!

And Akshaya and aishu helped peel vegetables for today's huge lunch. Next year i plan to do so too. Am very proud of them And very thankful to god for giving us a chance to serve in different ways.

27 Jan 2018

This is a momentous day
Today malar and jeroen welcomed their baby girl into this world!
She shares same birthday as Aishwarya! Our kutty girl turned 4 today. I always wanted them to get a cute baby girl like aishu!!!
And we got our new car today. Renault grand scenic. Brown. Slv9971e.
And we painted the pink room ourselves.
And had second open house for art class
And cut home baked cake for aishu
God is fantastic in allowing all of this to happen!

#metoo

YThis hashtag. 2017. It speaks the story of thousands ten thousands of women's stories. Of being sexually threatened amd black mailed by men in power. Of young girls assaulted by older men. It's terrifying and so very true. #metoo.
Does this movement mean mote awareness now and perhaps feweer #metoo? Surely men in power are cringing right now. But notice no indian actress has said #metoo and its surely prevalent there too. These things take time to trickle down east. Here its normal to blame the woman far more than the man for the sake of "honour" and reputation.

But such mixed messages. Women scantily clad is normal. Women sexualised and often wanting to be sexualised as a result of the normalisation of sexualisation complicates matters. Biology plays a part too!

Cold jan

Must put this on record
We had fun cold winter here in sg! 21 degrees Celsius with cold winds and no sun made it feel colder
Very fun
Saro freezing all the time!

Books 2018

Every year i start it and i never complete it
Here goes another try
Jan
1. Bell jar sylvia plath
2. Ministry of utmost happiness arundhati roy
3. The wonder by emma Donohue
4 Shiva's son by preetha rajah kannan

FEB
1. Re read watership down
2. Art of war - not finished
3. 5 love languages of children
4. Selected poems of Keats
5. Unfree verse
6. Reading bible to Ashwin not finished
7. Clear brightness by Boey Kim Cheng not finished
8. Little things
9. Re reading a glass palace by Amitav Ghosh

March
1. Sylvia plath diaries
2. Poems by Robert Lowell

Apr
1. Re read little foxes. Loved it
2. Re read play of flowers for Algernon
3. Re read a view from the bridge
4. Re read the Winslow boy. Incrediy moved by it
5. Re read off centre. Also moved
6. Re read hullabaloo in the guava orchard
7. Re read midwich cuckoos. Unputdownable
8. Re Read 1984. Chilling.
9. Read remembering Anne frank by miep gies. Wow. Sobbed. Questioned.
10. Read lowland by jumpa lahiri. Good. Needs patience but powerful.
11. Started 're reading Anne Frank

May and June
1. Percy jackson books 1 to 4
2. Percy jackson and the Greek heroes
3. Terry pratchet

Passing thoughts

Everyday everywhere the same dramas unfold
Parents walk kids to school and go to work
Parents drop off kids with in laws/child care centres and go to work
Same scenes century after century
All of is part of the same well oiled machine
Kids we see seem settled into routine
Likely at home all plead with parents tp stay home with them
Is nothing unique in our lives today?

Missing friends

I miss my friends so much it hurts
I was jusy reeling off the list. That malar is in holland and sutha is in Ireland and Kannan and sham and subair amd Yasmin are in New Zealand..

And.. what was keeping me going and what i think was making them happy was that i was plannong a trip to see them in March. Sutha has holidays we can go around together see malar and her baby. It was a high point for me to look forward to.

I sound so selfish even to myself. But i need to be open about my feelings at least to myself right

Yes. Then the night sham and kannan leave amd my heart feels so heavy..  we find out saro's dad has cancer. That is just terrible. He's 70 going on 71 in two weeks.  Just never thought about cancer for a loved one. Foolish. Maybe. It's everywhere.

Praying for his smooth recovery. Been asking saro to go visit them. But saro and they have a nice common understanding. They didnt seem to think he needed to go and he too felt the same way.

He's so busy im worried for him. He's got no time to get in touch with how he feels about things. Its non stop for him. Work and he feels he's not giving his best there. That irks him. Its not in him to not give his best for things. And he's just recently been promoted.

He's also busy with Thaipusam planning and his toa payoh temple commitments.
And finally what is consuming him the most... the work to be done for the new business he's starting with his brother.  So many many things to do for that. Renovation. Inspections. Publicity. Hiring. Training. Setting up utilities. Paying salaries. Decorations. Open houses. The whole works!!!

And then his father's illness in the midst of things. He's not had time to pause process his feelings. I'm so worried for him. He looks haggard. His breathing is fast. He thrives on stress and challenges though i must say that.

So where is all this going? Saro's father may have his operation in march though date not confirmed. Im not sure to what extent this would affect my travel plans.
Lets say op is in early march. If all goes well saro should be back by end of second week and i can go third week. But all of it is uncertain.

Not sure what to do.
1. I could can the trip altogether.
2. I could visit my friends in feb when the chance of surgery is very low. Problem. Friends aren't quite ready to have me. Malar's folks will be there sutha will have classes. My work also will be affected.
3. I could book refundable tics for 3rd and 4th weeks as planned and keep fingers crossed. Worst come to worse i can the trip. Let friends know in advance to manage disappointments.
4. I could book 4th week march and 1st week april. Depends on work schedule too.