relentless

relentless progress 

relentless growth 

another patch of forest levelled

for the inexhaustible appetite 

of this young nation 

approaching super aged status

with little care 

for those birds squirrels snails and lizards 

that called that patch home 

nor for the poet's heart 

that sought solace here 

I've been gone too long

I never got to bade farewell 

to the kingfishers and woodpeckers 

I do not see today 

they must have sensed change awhile back

I hope they have found a new home 

a lot on my mind

how do we stop it all from getting to us

the worries that keep us up all night

the fear that I may just lose it lose it

work projects 1 2

kids 1 2 3

others others 

I'm swirling in a sea of sadness

spiraling out of control 

such hyperbole

but when we feel extreme feelings 

we need extreme words 

I need to breathe 

in and out

take that walk 

not take myself so seriously 

be strong for others and for myself 

don't lash out at the easiest target

nor on myself 

but the tension it gets too tight 

high strung 

ready to snap

is my everyday look

not outside but in 

outside I'm cool kitten 

tired is all they say I seem 

but I'm cracking inside 

and it may well show 

for now I joke and kid and fool around 

as I should 

parenting

I have been putting it off for sometime 

and it gets worse and worse

I better write about it now

writing is reflective

and I have a lot on my mind

twice recently I've been told I'm tired 

I've bullied my son quite unnecessarily 2 times and 1 additional time 

I bullied my daughter too but she told me off the way only she can, bravely speaking truth to power 

I'm lacking sleep. every night I play Russian roulette moving between the rooms of my 3 kids. I wonder if I have utterly failed them sleepwise and they cannot fall asleep without someone by their side. 

so what's been happening 

1. Work. Big workshops. cdc papers. but, slowing down a bit down at least workshop wise 

2. dad was getting a heart operation. but that's finished successfully and he is recovering well. I miss them

3. ashwin  psle. he has got in dsa already so less high stakes.. maybe. stakes still high though because his self esteem and sense of worth are on the line. prelim over. not so great in math. need to work on it but no time. school gives him so much work he has barely time to do any extra but he needs to do extra in order to do to meet his expectations. tough. and this spills onto me. making me harsh with him. unhappy with him, with the system. I so often fall into traps of seeing exams as tests of self and not of just mere knowledge and application  in a timed setting. he spent hours on a ppt presentation for ss last night. Good thing I didn't give him too much grief. that was learning too just not tested knowledge and skills. 

4. ashwin get emotional. and I get irritated, esp at night and so evey night I end up yelling at him. and my yelling is bullying. he can't just stop being emotional. but I could take some steps to be less irritable. shall do deep breathing at night at 7pm thereabouts. and some stretching. maybe change to evening yoga.

5. akshaya. health. school. mental wellness. you know that story. just praying. 

6. aishu and her litany of excuses to get put of gym class is exhausting too. 

okay I need to bathe abs get ready. 

two things the kids told me that have made an impact 

1. ashwin: even if you thought it was your fault I was crying why would you yell at me like that? 

2. aishu: you dont believe us until we cry and then you scold us for crying. there's no way to win with you in a scolding. 

I have to be different. rest more breathe more so I can be a better parent. God please help me 

post covid meet ups

post covid meet ups

I'm seeing people in a room, 

my fraternity.

It's been a few years now. 

We are all 

a little rounder at the tummy 

hair a little thinner, greyer 

more crinkles when we smile 

but how we smile,  

with eyes too,

when we see each other,

Seems like we have grown older

together 

psychobitch review

what a play

amazing actress

amazing story line 

how did she do it. a Chinese playwright capturing the tamil Christian minority experience so well 

the racial profiling of rental market was horrible 

 too close to home

the abuse at the end quite quite awful to watch. she did it all solo

she was amazing. 

this is alongside Emily of emerald Hill a brilliant play to watch

sold out shows

standoff tickets 

all well worth it ok

and the father 

always waiting for the daughter to return

relentless in his 848 messages just to say I love you good morning come whenever

no expectations 

and mothers who left 

not coz the father was bad

and 

and 

always having to prove herself. to bosses ro parents and family to  boyfriend just urgh 

moving out to get some space 

then moving back 

paati 

such inflexions in voice and tone. absolute delight to watch 

she was

anya 

the bf

father 

grandmother 

property agent 

effortlessly effortlessly 

what a play. wish we can study it.

can we study it? in a collection  of 1 woman plays? Emily and psychobitch. but willbe asked to change name for sure haha. and we can't do that. think just leave it. 

brown gals lunch

I had a surreal racially grouped lunch yesterday haha. 

Indian girls all of us, from primary secondary and jc bonded over Indian food talking about rajini movies,  shared experiences of names being mangled and indignant over the lack of gulab jamun while lava cake abounded at the restaurant.  

it was like an ics meeting haha. and I loved it though it felt like we were on display at the window seat at entrance of gwc. and felt bad when 2 more Indian colleagues walked past, like we had an in group and we had forgotten a few

interesting indeed 

psychobitch review

what a play

amazing actress

amazing story line 

how did she do it. a Chinese playwright capturing the tamil Christian minority experience so well 

the racial profiling of rental market was horrible 

 too close to home

the abuse at the end quite quite awful to watch. she did it all solo

she was amazing. 

this is alongside Emily of emerald Hill a brilliant play to watch

sold out shows

standoff tickets 

all well worth it ok

and the father 

always waiting for the daughter to return

relentless in his 848 messages just to say I love you good morning come whenever

no expectations 

and mothers who left 

not coz the father was bad

and 

and 

always having to prove herself. to bosses ro parents and family to  boyfriend just urgh 

moving out to get some space 

then moving back 

paati 

such inflexions in voice and tone. absolute delight to watch 

she was

anya 

the bf

father 

grandmother 

property agent 

effortlessly effortlessly 

what a play. wish we can study it.

can we study it? in a collection  of 1 woman plays? Emily and psychobitch. but willbe asked to change name for sure haha. and we can't do that. think just leave it. 

tired mothering

some days I'm just a tired mother 

feeling smothered 

by all that I do

and feel petty that I feel the way I do

unchartered waters

dizzy dizzy dizzy 

that's what my baby's been feeling 

and we are in a tizzy

trying to help her out of this

we tried doctors

neurologists 

ent specialists 

we did tests and procedures 

inner ear middle ear tests

blood transfusion

we tried alternative medicines 

ayurveda

homeopathy 

we tried prayer

temples with red strings and water 

churches with blessings  

we tried counselling 

beach walks

movies shopping 

she was still dizzy dizzy dizzy 

5 months on as of August 

she has only been to school 11 weeks 

out of 28 weeks of school so far 

yesterday we tried a Bhuddist Master 

who told us of our 7 souls

and 1 of hers who had gone away

another had attracted that aspect of her

and it (she?).had left 

possibly at genting? 

maybe, who knows 

point is

one had gone 

so we called her back

and he sealed her in

gave her an amulet 

and a charm, a prayer to seal the self 

maybe she had lost a part of her mind...

mind soul heart 

how different are these anyway 

and now we have her back

and it doesn't matter does it ? 

what is real and what is not

only what works 

so if she can hold on to her soul 

seal herself in and meditate 

she can take hold of herself 

be in charge 

steady her heart mind body and soul

not be at the mercy of the winds 

and so we pray 

this dizziness will end 

will end.

walk in water

She aspires

to walk in water

without creating ripples,

to speak

without wrinkling the air,

to blend in with the walls,

take up as little space as she can,

unaware that this hurtling world 

needs her quiet ways, 

that she has the right 

to exist.

 

walk in water

She aspires

to walk in water

without creating ripples,

to speak

without wrinkling the air,

to blend in with the walls,

take up as little space as she can,

unaware that this hurtling world 

needs her quiet ways, 

that she has the right 

to exist.