fear manifested

well
a hard question to ponder
have we arrived at THAT stage
you know how they say our worst fears tend to come true
like self-fulfilling prophesies?
I don't know if I have done myself in now
have I turned away a good man?
turned his love away from me I mean
through successful over planning and over nagging and having too much expectations
for scolding and expecting this to have no effect on him
for not mincing my words

I don't know.
possibly.
As i found out just recently
I make very many mistakes
some very big ones too
often by not rising to the challenge posed of me
lack of confidence and guts

mistakes at work is one thing
mistakes in life is another
Idon't want to make mistakes in both

my husband this morning said he felt neutral towards me
he didn't love me, he didn't hate me

that's worse for me. hate is a strong and extreme emotion
it can be turned by the winds and swing to love easily - I think
but neutral?
that's just indifferent
I do not matter to him

and sometimes I think now that I saw it coming
he says not to over-read into his comment
that he said it in a moment of anger

but I said the statement to which he was responding angrily yesterday night
after which we had an even longer discussion at 4 am

and then at 8.00 I ask if he loves me and he is neutral
could that be momentary?
he says his mind was on the moment yesterday about which he did not articulate his anger

I dunno

we should have a perogative to not take offence, to give the other person the benefit of the doubt

you know the fear I mentioned earlier
this is the fear of indifference
of staying married for the sake of the children or for the sake of being married
of there being no spark no love no romance
only business like discussions about the practicalities of living the marriage
of living with someone

why must I have this fear and then almost make it come true/

long ago, I feared falling in love with someone after I was attached
that fear lived played its games tied its knots did its due damage and left

and now this fear
how do I not let it take over me

what do I do?

prayer is one answer

I don't know what else.

building shared dreams, making shared plans?

I think I tend to put words into people's mouths, as in, they say something and I interpret it and adverstise it as something slightly but defintely different

losing the romance

yup
I think we are losing our romance
we need to work to get it back
every conversation is now like walking ino a battlefield
every statement made viewed with suspicion
the original intent behind the statement lost on the listener
one party is excited about the prospect of a free art trial class
the other is skeptical, insistent in thinking that all organisations are out to make money only
not thatI think they are philanthropic!
but the point I was focussing on was the art trial class and how fun it would be to see her engaged in creating something
I love seeing her creative expressions at home
maybe it's upbringing
he never had exposure to all this
and maybe he thinks, hey he turned out fine
I was given exposure in all this and I enjoyed it
and I want my daughter to enjoy it as well
these classes I take her to are to give her opportunities to explore new ways of experiencing the world
her parents -us - do not know everything you know
anyway
then I tell him about this and that that I saw and his first reaction is sorry I cant make it
not even a 'I would have like to have come with you'
I sense a serious lack of support here you know
ever since he came back from america
it's like he's doing his own things
and I do mine and baby's
more and more
I'm coming to the conclusion
that that's the way it's going to be
me and her, and then him when he feels like it
yesterday was a classic case in point
remember once I called him cheap
he proved it again yesterday
yesterday he stayed in the FREE carpark of the botanical gardens for 3 hours
because he didn't want to pay for the parking at tanglin mall where his daughter was going for music classes and having breakfast
well
his bloody loss
I had a personal chauffeur - which I could well do without
not sure how to proceed
do I 'drag' him along for future exposure classes of hers
or just screw him and plan for it all myself, without even involving him?
sat, I took her for a medical appt then to her cousin's place to play, while he prepared himself for his trip to malaysia
then he wentn to malaysia while I took her groceryshopping and then visiting with my mum
sunday, you know what happened in the morning -
he was my chaueffer
evening he slept while I gave her dinner and took her to her aunt's house to deliver some food that he heroically offered to buy for them
12 - 4 he was awake but did nothing, nor did he even think of doing anything for her - did not put away her things, did not prepare food for the next day , nothing,
just sat up and mulled over the fact that he was awake and still jetlagged
today I tell him about art class, not an iota of interest. just a .. I saw that. yes must see.
then I tell him about a uni fair and he says you can take akshaya and go - I can't come you know what!
urgh.
I had to tell him I was not inviting him but just wanted to enquire if he needed the car
that sounds very cold
but I was doing it to get back some of pride lost in the way I had to call him 4 times today
so from today onwards- I will NOT call him unless he calls.
I will let himtake the lead in things
I will NOT expect him to be excited about taking Akshaya for any classes nor expect him to want to come
I will NOT ask him to come for anything, in fact, but make plans for things and just carry them out, myself.
I will assume he is in US and that its baby and me alone
anything he does - well, it's just bonus.
he's just averse to things he thinks are catering for westerners, whom he thinks are being cheated left right centre by thieving shopkeepers.
sigh.
today he's going for dinner
friday he's going for a movie
none of it he cared to ask my opinion. he informs me.

fun with baby

yesterday was teacher's day and I had an awesome time with my little darling.
We went to the baby gym (which she can say oh so sweetly) and she played for an hour. Then we had lunch, and I had to stop her from grabbing some kitchen toys from another child.
Sharing and taking turns does not come naturally, does it!
then we went shopping! and she loved it! she chose clothes for me and for saro. she was playing near some pants at one point and when I asked what she was doing, she answered, cool as ever, peekaboo! she was playing peekaboo by herself!
at marks and spensers, this lady charmed her with some expensive raspberry biscuits - after she finished her sample, she wanted more from the auntie! so I bought her a set and she calls them auntie biscuits!
then in the evening, we took a walk to a potential school for her - Apple Tree and we got back and I made macroni for her with raw tomoato sauce - all of which she loved, much to my delight.
it was a very very good day - special bonding day for both of us.

back from india

hi hi, back from india survived a holiday there yay!
Usually I fall sick.
Last trip, it was perfect - so much so I almost thought things were going to change but nope - this trip fell sick from the minute the plane reached indian skiess and only feeling better now that I'm back. so - back to normal then!
But I must say, Akshaya enjoyed her trip very much!
She loves nature - we need a backyard here, just for her sake.
she was so excited there, exploring the houses - her grandmother's house and her own place in alavakottai.
The cows, the goats, the crows, the woodpeckers, the squirrels = all a joy to her.
She did get scared of a dog though.
And she's speaking such lovely words! she can make herself very clear now.
Take out.
Get up.
Wake up.
Pick up.
clean up.
Show, dog, gone, up!
kottai
Singapore!
Iyya thitta
Adi Vaanga
Govinda
Thripathi

Overall - it was a good trip. We did the thothil kattrathu at Kannathal Kovil - she was a darling during the thotil ride around the temple. A good half hour walk that was. She just lay quietly in her thotil, resplendent in pink.
then we donated her hair at the Azhagar kovil - she was good for most of it, cried at the end
now she proudly proclaims she gave her hair to god and that she cried only a little - like this - Aack! she calls herself mottai. very sweet!
The Thirupathi dharisanam was fabulous. Real lucky. Sakthi uncle retrieved this booking he had made three years in advance and which so happened to coincide with out trip there and he had so happened to get 5 tickets which covered them, us and my grandmother - that was a fun trip! the children sang to Akshaya up the hill =- such melodious mazhalai words.
very happy lah!
and now, sigh, back to back to work. :-(