Stitches

So I have my first set of stitches! Yup I tripped and cut my tiny toe on a plastic stool and bled so much and hobbled to the bathroom to clean myself and there was so blood there too. Then I stemmed the flow with a towel and my mum on law poured eu de cologne over it and a plaster and I rested my foot about 20 min.  Got up to get things read and woa it started bleeding again so I hobbled here to the clinic. Met a relief doctor who is used to polyclinics she stiched me well but didn't know how to dress the wound. Imagining nurses capable of doing the dressing! Well they were clueless so wrapped up my toe herself. It was awful dressing apparently as sham pointed out. I could have called kannan.  Next time I will.
Now it's Monday and the other relief doctor here had such a hard time taking out the dressing! It was glued to my stitch can you believe that! He gentle poured antiseptic liquid over it and took it out. Stiches were well done.
He dressed it up again  and advised I rest for a few days at home. Now I have to decide. What was the agenda for the meeting.  Can we afford to not have it.  I have so much of work to do. We can't meet the consultant at any other time. 

Head full of thoughts

My mind is so full of thoughts that want to spill out.
Work- I'm getting excited about the paper I'm writing  I'm but need more discipline to finish it. I take too many breaks too frequently

Vani is not keen on work I think . I wish she was going back this year instead of extending . So much of negativity in her .

June seems happier and more set.

I have to do work plans and stuff and budget and mo.  Like an endless list . I pray hard to god to hep me steer my team to success with our work. 

I rely on rani to provide stability to me. As I did with Jeff . It's all so strange . And I need to not take it personally when members can't come for meetings. Nothing personal.  Just work . And grace of God to move mountains where necessary.

Other things on my mind.

I feel like a cheapo with gifts to colleagues.  I'm not good with gifts.  Next time I'm just going to get chocolate.

I love planning the Harry Potter party! I'm a  it cuckoo abut it but I like it. I was like that planning subair s wedding.

Okay. Back to work to print some party stuff and write the rest of the paper. 

Aleppo

They are bombing hospitals.
I don't know what to say to think. 
What do they hope to achieve by bombing hospitals???
What kind of people bomb hospitals and schools?
So far from what I know. .. Israelis.  Russians and the Syrian Government.  It's like the book mockingjay.  If we burn you burn. Fire is catching.
And never ending.
Why? Why would people want to do that?

Help me be centered

Help me
God
Be Confident and comfortable
In me😀

Ptm

Met Ashwins teachers today.
They are such lovely ladies whin care for him so genuinely. We feel sad to take him out of the school.
They say he's very bright very fast. So maybe he's not being challenged enough in the school
They say he needs courage. He's right but scared all the time. 
We need to help build his confidence.  Tell him he's good kind clever brave strong. And he will grow to it. I think we meed to nurture him .
Teacher said he may be too keen to please us that he's getting timid and scared. And that we should encourage the real ashwin to come out not the ashwin his parents want to see.
They seem to love him so..say he's well brought up. We need to be careful of how we label him think of him. He's got a bit of a genius inside him. Hope we are doing the right thing.  Changing his school.

Reflections on a conversations with Ashwin last night.

He’s so happy to be playing with a friend in the playground, Jovis. Said a few weeks ago he was really sad he had no friends in the playground, and prayed hard to God that he should find some friends. He prayed so long he even missed his favourite cartoon – Blaze and most of Paw Patrol too – and that evening when he went to the playground he met Jovis and they became friends at once. He asks the helper of Jovis why Jovis doesn’t come down more often!

Then he told me how sad he is that he is quite naughty. I had to reassure him how good he was and he wanted proof, so I had to quote specific incidents of him being nice to his sisters before he finally felt happy about it!

From these two what can we tell – he needs and wants friends – boys of his own age.

He is feeling pressured to be “good”. He thinks poorly of himself  - so sad to think like this before going to sleep. I hope he doesn’t feel like this too often! At least he told me and I was calm enough to try to convince him otherwise, reassure him. He’s a real sweet boy and we need to constantly reflect on how we parent him. Each of our children are totally and completely unique, with unique gifts to contribute.

His teachers gave us a card about his, saying she was returning us our child and that he is precious!

So true. So true.   

Trump has won

What I thought was the stuff of Sci fiction speculative fiction is reality today.
And I want to write. 
There is a world inside me waiting to burst out and light the world in some ways.
I want to create a new world filled with creatures and mythology. Like the rabbits book.like Harry potter.  And star wars.  And lord of the rings.

This world has birds . And girls who fight back. It's a world in a future where people jump at things.
In many ways our present seems like a an imaginable horror show. A world where lies can sway millions through Facebook and Twitter and snap chat. It's a olworld gone wild.

Update in the evening.
10000 protesters have been protesting 4th day into the results saying trump is NOT my president.
This s truly a country divided.
And Europe's far right have been celebrating his win.
It sounds more and more like a divide within the country mirrored  a  divide across the world.
I wonder what this portends. I wonder what I am witnessing.  How will the world play out.

Trump is president

It's the 10th of November. The day after Trump was elected. There are all kind of (jokes?) going around - 9/11 America was attacked. 11/9 America committed suicide.

My thoughts are in a whirl. I wish to write down now what I feel.

I feel we know so little of what happened to Americans not in the cities. I feel we know nothing of mid-west America and the people in the central and southern states. Only the edges were blue yesterday. The country was awash in red. for the republican party. for trump.

why am I speechless? this man has been openly predatory towards women. 11 women have testified that he sexually assaulted them exactly the way he boasts when he was an innocent 59 year old. where he just kisses attractive women, doesn't ask them. where because he is famous they let him do anything he wants with them. he can grab them by the pussy. This man is president of the USA, sanctioned by the majority of Americans. What we thought could never happen has happened.

what does this say? that the amount of unhappiness and frustration people have currently overrides their disgust at his way with women. Or, that it doesn't matter. who cares that he molests women. we can still vote him in. women don't matter. only white men do

he mocked a gold star parent. a soldier died for america and he mocks their parents. he says the mother didn't say anything because she wasn't allowed to. not because she was so grief stricken. this man is president.

I need to take a deep breath after each paragraph. but he is president. with a huge mandate. I'm not the only one stricken. world leaders everywhere are guarded. we will have to wait and see. he's going to review all trade agreements. he's going to put USA first.

and we shall wait and see.

His slogan is make America great again, make America rich again... what is unsaid is Make America White again!

America votes tomorrow and we leave tomorrow

Tomorrow, 8th Nov, America votes.
8 years ago, America made history and swore in their first Black president - he roused the crowd with his cries of "yes we can"
8 years ago, I watched that election live from my mother's house - I was expeccting Akshaya then.
Tomorrow...
America will either vote for their first female president or the most boorish example of what democracy can throw up
I feel - Clinton will win in a landslide.
I pray God protects her. and the millions of people who were so disillusioned they actually supported Trump.
I wish I can watch the elections live. I hope to do so on my phone I guess.

Tomorrow we are moving office too. As my dad would say - the whole building is going to feel lighter after we leave - the mountains we have thrown away, and all the boxes and boxes of stuff we have stacked to take away from here! 

Sashti

We had a lovely evening yesterday. Aishu came with me to drop ashwin at his tamil class. It was a Friday and it was also pooja for sashti. We dropped ashwin in class then prayed. She was so taken by this display if the saravana poigai with 6 baby murugans floating held by a string attached to shiva.  She used to get scared of the melam but I told her that's drum best and music for god to dance and she was so happy. Later we sat to pray and they started the music again and she started clapping.  She said she was clapping for muruganwho was dancing! !! So sweet and touching . I was think God would have been smiling to see this 2.5 year old clap for him.  So genuine.  No wonder my mum says god loves children.

While eating ashwin started coughing.  Immediately she told him kindly "drink water anna" and tried to pass him his bottle.  Only thing he turned his face towards st the same time and the bottle hit his eye! Haha oops. He yelled at her! But was mollified when I explained her good intention.
Then as we were leaving aishu fell down and ashwin immediately prayed "please god don't let there be blood". I'm so blessed to have these children Carr so much for each other. Gods blessings truly.

Packing

I just left office at 12.45am. This is definitely the latest I've ever stayed.
I have a while day meeting tomorrow. And I don't want to come in in the weekend. So just stayed and did it.
Only thing.. I haven't prepared for tomorrow yest! Git to mark 14 scripts!  When will I do it? Of I sleep by 1.30 I could wake up at 6.30. Take akamshaya to sch.  Then ashwin.  Then take bus to the school. How? Please god give me the strength Nd ability to do this. Please.

So i have 3 fill boxes and two half filled boxes. I have to clean up the drama cupboard and the brown table near my area. Take home the stuff and the brown cupboard

Sickened by King Henry the VIII

To me seems to be a horrible person.  He killed hos good friend, his wife , his trusted advisor... all at a whim.

He seemed to have cared only for himself and his lust. He really seems to treat women as mere objects.

Power corrupts.  Absolute power corrupts absolutely. So true in his case.
He breeds the worst behavior among his people. Encouraging treachery disloyalty. Backstabbing. The killing of innocent people. Only people who could avoid their conscience fully could possibly survive with him. He is napoleon and worse.

US Presidential Elections

I don't know why I am so obsessed with the presidential elections this time. Previously I was excited too - because Clinton and Obama were both running and both would be a first for the US.
But this time with Trump and Clinton, it;s like I can't get enough of reading what they each say, what others say about them, what what they say and do might mean for usa and rest of the world

I really feel I am witnessing historic change

I hear threats in Trump's words. He's so awful.

anyway, both have scandals piled against them. their campaigns are about mud-slinging. the only voice true and clear seems to be that of Michelle Obama and she's in Clinton's court - so I am too

I think the Saturday Night Live shows are just hilarious. I must watch the next one where they will surely spoof the third debate.

They got things right. Like I'm made of Steel - hi gals! when trump put up clinton's accusers in the front row of the debate to perhaps unsettle clinton.

and they depict her glee - ahahhah! so funny. and her openness to the people "okay you don't like me - don't like my voice my face - vote me and I'll stay hidden in the oval office - don't vote for me and I'll be running for election after election! ahahahhaahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahh "till I die and I will never die!


and trump to clinton's accusers - these women should be given a voice, and to his own accusers - they should just shut up! ahhaahh

and the lurking behind clinton to jaws music. they are genius I tell you!

I also tell you I am afraid for clinton - his supporters seems to be white male low and middle income group people - the ones who can turn to thuggism and babarianism. let's hope and pray God keeps her safe.

he's a maniac. and he's the republican's best shot???

I hope she wins. I hope she wins by a landslide. I hope all the white male voters voter for her as well as the minorities and all women. then only the ugly die-hard bigots and misogynists in his camp would vote for him. he's a creep. a pervert. a blemish on humankind. despicable clod of earth. I insult earth when I say this. he's an annoying fly.

Sutha said hitler. he too was spewing racially charged stuff that appealed to the people who felt they were once in power and now have been marginalised. and the world let a madman kill more than 6 million people. please don't let it happen again.

also, I really don't get what's the deal with the accusations against clinton.
1. she used her private email server for govt emails. this sounds like an oversight to me. not malicious.
2. she said something about having a public self and a private self. Don't we all have such selves? we aren't looking for a saint surely, and in this case - is trump the saint they want???? I mean, I work in public service and I too have a public self and a private self! I love books I can't put on the text list. I too think 2 books in 2 years way too few books. what the hell. everyone is allowed to have a personal opinion and a public opinion.


so yes, please help. I don't know what''s the deal about her being war mongering. I hope not, but with trump as the opponent, I only see clinton as a saviour. and with some good advisors - maybe Michelle Obama - she can do much better things for the country than trump.

okay, let's see how things progress. I want to watch the next debate. not sure if I can. okay I can't. will be in a meeting with Angie and Leoard. bleah. rather be watching the debate live! will have to catch the replay on my way home I guess.

some good things that may come out of this debacle.
1. Michelle Obama gave such a powerful and impassioned speech about women's rights - and soon after a flight kicked out a passanger for calling out "sexy" to a stewardess. there may be no connections but maybe there is. maybe there will be greater awareness of sexually demeaning and aggressive behaviour.I find myself watching and listening to tamil song lyrics more carefully, picking out which are demeaning for women too. greater awareness may come from this/.

Trump vs Clinton

So who's better? 
Someone who sells state secrets or someone who doesnt respect women.  ?

I tell you I think the former.  At least I would believe she doing it for the country. Maybe. The other guy is unhinged and dangerous.

Sigh.

Michelle Obama is truly amazing though her speech said it so well.

Narcissism on the rise

Narcissism on the rise? Or just more outlets now for narcissism? People regularly post pics of themselves and receive comments on how good they look to which they humbly say thank you.

Is doing this once in awhile OK? 

only speak when your words are more beautiful than silence

This is something I read today and its so powerful.
I need to remind myself of this, and also to not take things personally.
deep breaths. deep breaths. 

The bus feels different

The bus feels different but  not unfamiliar.
156. Obviously an older bus.
I'm so used to the newer design of buses that firstly I hadn't noticed when they changed or how used I was to them till I got on board this one. 

And this becomes just another wag of feeling I'm growing older. This isn't so bad. I like nostalgia.

But other things...
Like knowing it may be too late for me to learn gymnastics!
It's my leg. Making me feel older than I am.

Ashwin

So reading this book makes me think of ashwin a little. 
He's not autistic .
However he is quite particular about things.
He won't go toilet anywhere but home. He hasn't given me the reasons for this the way Christopher does in the book. 
But there is something about wanting to go to the toilet only at home.  Or the equivalent of home in a foreign country. Deeply personal. 

And he likes to know what's going to happen and when and why . I find it much easier to explain to him a change in plans if I've prepped him for it first.  Like yesterday we didn't have the voucher so didn't buy the book. He forgot about it but I told him anyway .. we are going to the library to borrow books instead if the bookshop to buy it. True enough he recalled it hours later and asked in a panic if we were going to get the book would the book still be there. And I could tell him remember I told you we would get library books instead?  And it calmed him down immediately. 

Same with his make belive cake. I threw a pillow at him for fun and it knocked into his cake. I knew qaht I was doing which was a bit mean of me! But my he got so upset crying and wailing that he had taken so much effort to make his cake and I made him spill half of it! So tats not autistic . He could imagine something . But he imagined it so well that the hurt he felt at me knocking it down also felt real. And I had to empathise with him and offer to help him make it and all and only then he calmed down. He was even more hurt coz he was making th cake for me!

He's a very special child. All of then are of course.  Just that he's got a slightly different way of thinking and feeling.  And if we don't get hat we could get super frustrated with him. He yells and cries very loudly when things don't go his way.

Curious incident of the dog in the night-time

I'm unbearably sad after reading the book though the book seems to have a happy ending of sorts for him

He's got a plan.

A level math then further math then a level physics  . Then uni. With a proper house and toilet and his dog.

But.. his father and mother have split up. The mother was happy with another man now she's split up with him too for his sake.

So his parents are living life for him almost. And it's tough.  He can't even show his appreciation because in his world everything is one dimensional.  So he is quite "selfish" in a way he can't help. And those who love him have to live with him for his sake not theirs.

He's got two people who really love him for who he is. Just that they can't live with each other which makes me very very sad.

And by the looks of it they may not be able to live anyone else either unless they can find someone who can live with him his way. The can't be easy. Complicated love story here.

And this kid... he can only see the surface of things. That his father killed a dog and lied about his mum. He can't see the struggle and pain of his father that led him to this situation. 

And he can't see or appreciate the love and pain of his mum either.

So in a matter of years I guess he would go back to live with his dad. That's my guess.

But there's something beautiful and uncomplicated about him too. He can't get this "parents fight and each wants to sleep with someone else and that his mum wanting to sleep with someone else may make the dad unhappy or that Mrs sheares not wanting to sleep with the dad would also make him unhappy. Unhappy enough to kill an innocent dog."

His mind and old view has no space for such unnecessary complications.

Patience

Yes so
I didn't act on my desire to go in there and kick him awake.
What a good thing.
He came to me at 5 am and took me back himself.
All will come to he who waits.
Thank god for that
For the pain of the three days to know it matters
That love doesn't go anywhere in 13 years.  Maybe it becomes more complex. 

Heart be strong

Heart be strong
You know not what you are made of
Heart be strong
Who knows how long more you have

God made you beat and beat
Until you beat no more
Eternal romantic love is a myth
But life is real

I will love my kids
But not get too attached
I have a duty to fulfil
And then I will be gone

I hope I die a painless death
That would be a blessing indeed
I need to be good for that
I need to pray

But now is not the time
When the time comes I'll be ready
I am ready whenever he calls
But it won't be when I m depressed

God gave me life to live his way
And bear punishment for crimes
I must have sinned I have indeed
And  now I cry alone

Tomorrow is yet another day
I hope to leave before he wakes
I can't bear to have him in the same room and  not want to be near me

I am human. I do feel hurt.
But I've been made by god
And my heart is strong
My faith is strong

Can't sleep

I can't sleep coz of the thoughts in my head

Brad pit and Angelina are divorcing and the world is in shock.  I'm not but the world is. Why aren't I?  I already felt that shock when Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt split ages ago.

But here's the thing. I'm starting to think it's not natural or normal for men to stick to one partner. They get bored. They need things to be snazzed up.

So maybe that's why I shouldn't protest saros temple addiction
Better the temple than another woman

But

How about for women what do I turn to in boredom
Music. Literature and travel maybe

My kids love me and are happy to have me put then to bed. 
Someone is happy having me put them to bed too
So this will become my norm
I wake up early I sleep late putting them to bed
He just does his own thing  and I'm so cool with it
Live Buddha like with   no expectations
Thing is...this Buddha like nirvana state means I will feel acutely happy less too. Everything is transient and impermanent. 

If I were to die who would miss me most
I believe my parents followed by my children
I don't think he'd miss me except that maybe he'd have to cut down his other woman stuff. Maybe then again maybe not.
I hate feeling so bitter and so sorry for myself. 
I want to get out of it but I can't
Everyone is fighting their own battles.
So if I want him home this is how it will be he will be home and just sleep. I'd rather he be out.
I'm the grand master control freak
Sometimes I feel like hamlet.
Is it too early to die though
Have I yet gods work to do
I dunt know. 
I have a ship to sail at work
Maybe at home with three kids
Then like sita I can ask the earth to swallow me up and she will
You know what I'm depressed.
I don't know how to get out of it
I realise I feel unloved by my husband and it's hurting me
It doesn't please me to know others have it worse
Just thinking of what I've written makes me realise I am depressed. I mention wanting to end my life. I feel sorry for me
I wish I could shake myself up and get the fuck on with life
Part of me worries does sutha ever feel like this
I am putting my happiness in the hands of others. The man the kids the friends. 
I need to find happiness within.

Ruminations

I hear a baby cry in the train and I long to be home hearing my own baby girl cry... though I don't enjoy her crying

I see a cute toddler opposite me on the bus and my heart melts thinking of my darlings

I can't believe I have one of those darlings myself! I can't belive I have I three. Touch wood. And god gave them to me to us. They are a part of him and me.

Where does love go after 13 years?

I look at love stories now with wistful wonder

Can one love another so much I wonder

And this wondering wistfulness makes me sad

Have we lost it

Do I say it without meaning it

Does it mean anything at all

Are we but partners in child rearing and nothing more
.I don't know

The babies love is and we love them unconditionally. It's a blood thing?

But us. Love with conditions .

Heart at home again

My heart is at home
With three little stars
And one big moon
I miss them so much
I long to go home
To hear their news they tell me in all seriousness
To play catching with them as they slip from my fingers
And as I yearn to reach out to catch them
I am only too aware
I cannot ever hold them
They are too precious to be held
To be known
Like the shaft of sunlight that sifts through our hair
The shimmer of water that slips through our fingers
The lilt of sweet air that passes by us and through us
They sustain us
We cannot ever hold them
Only love them
With an ache that foretells
The day we may have to let go
Without ever having held them

Teen suicide

So two to three kids have just jumped. From rjc.
I need to talk to saro and friends about helping kids cope I tell you!

The bells are tolling

The bells are tolling...
As they will for everybody
And it's what you do
In that short time before they toll..

Did you help people
Did you hurt them
Did you do both maybe

What do you leave behind
How did you live

All for such a short short time

In line again

For s r Nathan
6th and longest serving president of Singapore
We call him the people's president. 
The first Indian president of a Chinese majority country
A hero who sacrificed himself to negotiate release of hostages
Graced so any cultural performances with the president s presence. 
Humble.
Rise of a humble man.

To see him

Lines. 
Army.
Police.
Ministry of foreign affairs .
Students
And me...

A man just fainted
Why am I here
Not a statement I'm making.
No need to
Not post on fb
This is personal.
I only do it for people I feel I want to that I feel I should.
And so I'm here

Street strewn with leaves

A street strewn with leaves
Loss
Passing of time
Rebirth and growth

Lky
Nathan

Life

A boy covered in the rubble that was his house

That is the life of so many children and adults in today's world.

Progress has brought on more destruction

We used to die by disease

Now we die by killing

We celebrate sporting victories
We play pokemon
Even as
Countries flood out and die
People kill each other
Children grow up parentless and turn rebels

It's sad it's bewildering it's incomprehensible it's cyclic
It's destined in some strange way

Schooling wins gold for singapore

Ah how to say this.
This young man pursued his dream and brought glory to his country in the process's
The Singapore flag flew high on the world stage as he won gold in a much anticipated race that the whole world was watching.
For he was racing against Michael Phelps.  Golden boy of Olympics.  Olympian of the world for having 22 gold medals by then. The most anyone has ever had in the history of the Olympics.
Schooling beat him . He won Phelps his childhood idol, his inspiration.  He broke the Olympic record.  He neat here of the world's best butterflies who... get this... got a three way historic tie for silver!!!! Just breathtaking and mind boggling. 

And Singapore has a champion
It's so moving it's incredible.

I pray for him. So much world and media attention. He needs to focus and stay humble and not let his get to his head. I say it out of kindness not malice. He's young sweet and holding on to a world of expectations. God be with him always!

New world today

Pokeman go has changed the world as we know it. Virtual reality and reality have now blended seamlessly. And the person next to me can see something I can't.  He can take a picture of it too. He could even take a picture of it right next to me and I won't be able to see it.  But I can see if if he sends the image to me. I can see myself next to it!  It's ... wow. .. it's. .. shifting paradigms totally.

If you see it and take a picture of it and it appears before you is it real? Am I real if I'm next to it? Mark this date people august 2016. The day he world changed.

Heartbroken

Today I heard of one heartbreak. Yesterday another.
And my heart breaks too for these are my friends my family
Devis latest attempt at having a baby didn't come to fruition .
This is totally depressing.
They are in tears.
So many hope pinned on this. It was too much to bear I guess.

They have been married now 7 years. That's a long time to be trying for a child. We were blessed with ours in our 5th year of marriage that seemed long. How much longer is this.

Trouble is of course... that they don't only bear their own heartache. They also bear that of their two sets of parents.  And their parents don't ache only for themselves but for their kids. So it's all too much. Each for themselves and for others looping back to theirs. 

How do you console someone who is trying is trying so hard? And not succeeding?
How do we advise them to be patient. To wait.  That God has a plan that only he knows best and he will provide when the time is right. 

Sutha  too.  Today I prayed for her to find her soul mate.
And for malar and jeroen to have kids
And siva to find his soul mate
And now devi everyday devi to be blessed with children. 

What's in their life? Are there children?  Should they stop trying for kids and get on with life?

Should they consider adopting?
I'm sure they have thought of such things themselves
Do they want to  give themselves a deadline and try other option?
Surrogacy.

Please god show us the light. 

UK Politics

The politics in UK is just mind boggling and baffling and comedic disastrous.
Every day I read something new and I just.. my heart drops.
I was in the UK the day the Brexit was announced.
The people are just marooned with no leaders
democracy at it's absolute nightmarish worst

So here's what happened, as I see it.

a year or so back, cameron promised the people, if they vote him in again, he will have a referendum to seek the people's views about whether they should stay with or leave the EU.

he is voted in.

he starts the referendum.

and now we know, he had no plan as to what to do if they lost the referendum - i.e. if they actually exited the EU

then, people, damn unhappy about lots of things, decided voting out of the EU was the way to show their unhappiness

and voila -
overnight, Britain exits the EU. well not quite - decided though, that in two years time, they are out.

just like that.

and mr cameron, who promised the referendum in return for being voted in, stepped down as prime minister the day the referendum results came out. very poetic truly -" I am not the captain to man this ship"... bollocks as the british would say! lead them into a mess and then leave. perfect.

people are dumb. They assumed, there would be a plan if they voted out.
politicians are dumb. They thought, no way would they be voted out. no need to plan.
the opposition were dumb. just clamour - no way we can get our way, let's just make noise - no need for a plan.

and so the tower collapsed.

so, day 1, captain of the ship leaves.

end of week 1. captain of opposition team steps down. says he was stabbed in the back! Boris = the boorish boris whom everyone expected to run for prime minister, as he was forerunner in campaign for leave, steps down 2 hours before he was expected to run. seems his first mate decided to run for captaincy and took the crew with him.

Bloody joke!

And end of week 2.... Mr Farage - my god, you should have seen him celebrate the day they learned they are to be voted out - to be celebrated as UK's independent day, he said - he steps down! saying, I only wanted us out - my job is done.

I just can't believe this.

The UK is four nations - millions of people being led by jackasses.

1. how can cameron step down with no succession plan?
2. for that matter, how can Obama step down with no succession plan?
3. Back to UK - who are these clowns - Boris, Farage - leading people out of the UK with no plan and then stepping down?

The world is screwed.

or maybe just the UK. the world will function fine without them - it's our own post-colonial hang up thinking they are some kind of leaders - they have worse politics that India ! laughing stock.

the other three should get together and boot Britain out - Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales - they would do well together and would be welcome back to the EU and Britain can just hang around like a puppy out in the rain.

Unbelieveable.

One lady has come forth to lead the country - from cameron's side - damn brave - she's willing to lead the country out of the EU when she did not believe in it - when the people who led the leave team are leaving like a bunch of cowards.

the whole country needs LTLT.

unbelievable.

in 1949 Britain ruled the world.
in 2016 Britain is a joke.
66 years downhill and never a way up
farewell 'great britain'

Quit

I feel like quitting again
I don't agree with what our reps say
Too sticky too dogmatic
Not willing to try to consider too sensitive
Blowing away partners with out beuracracy
Nie newsletter
Patke
Gwee
Holden

Homesick

Along the  river Avon I thought fondly of my family
With love
But I did not miss them yearn for them long to see them
The way I do here
Maybe it's the setting
An austere hostel
Maybe it's the lack of scenary
With the river I felt at home and with company
Here surrounded by buildings
Eating alone in a cavernous common room
I feel just for home
Wishing my flight tonight was to take me home and not to see my best friend
Maybe it's the lack of facetime these two days
Or the very short calls
Or the knowledge that my credit has run its course
But I miss home

24 June 2016 brexit

So today history was made
Britain voted out of the eu
They'd been part of it for 40 years .

It's having such an emotional toll on people

Issues of ties and identity
Economy trade travel
Uncertainty
Start of other exits? 
Scotland Wales Ireland voted in
Will they now ask for independence -no more united Kingdom? 

And is brexit about unhappiness over immigration
Should such a referendum have been called at all?

If UK and America exhibit such intolerance towards immigrants what does that mean for the rest of the world

On education side also a time of great change.

Out if my depth

Fear.
Disappointment
Regret
Anger

These are the feelings I'm having now. 
Yesterday I git my mum to take ashwin to class and back again
He stayed the night and she didn't go to church 

This morning morning left the baby with the maid while we went temple. 

I don't like that
I saw the allure if helping in  the temple. It is nice. Felt good

But I can't take care of my own kids. Getting my parents to look after mine on weekends too is just too tough on them

So I will reduce or stop.
I Iwill I will not commit or agree to such things easily .
I can understand saros eagerness to help now better.
Okay.  

When I feel

When I feel overwhelmed
I need to turn to god
I feel she would gladly let lit die if push comes to shove its the way she's always been
El is more important
I don't think so
I think El is important yes
But not more so than lit
But heck all these dirty politics
I can fly and float with God
He will bring me down when I get too cocky
He will steer me when I go awry
I just have to still down and turn to god
And he will lift me up!

Cruelty

What particular brand of cruelty is this

To bring a caged bird to the park
Hang the cage on a tree branch
Watch it (fly? jump? hop?) towards the leaves,  bark, wood just inches out of its reach
Only to bang its head against the gilded grills
Hear it cry its frustration and confusion 
And praise its song as pure music in wooded glades ?

Genius

I have a genius on the team

I must make full use of his brains his wide breadth of knowledge in diverse fields such as cognitive learning theory motivation linguistics and literature

How lucky am I

I have a team willing to tell me where things won't work. Willing to work with my idiosyncratic style.

I am  blessed so.

I missed rani and Janet.  But they may not have missed being here. I think rani would have enjoyed it. I cant be sure.

But. Janet doesn't tell me she's not going to be around . I find that... intriguing.  Many options.
Doesn't want to tell me
Scared I'll give her work to do or give her a hard time
Doesn't think it important or necessary to tell me
Feels bad to tell me
Could be anything else too..
I worry about my impressions of her too. That I'm starting to believe what I've been told about her ages and ages ago
But
I stuck by her
And it paid off
Will continue to.
Not suck up to her. Bemoan her absence . Just. When she's there get the most from her.
Really starting to feel I can't entrust her with things. That's a bit sad.
But will stay professional and objective.
I suspect she would have preferred not coming last week but I changed  things to accommodate her.
So be it.
I trust God more than anything
I've also learnt when you love someone you trust them. You don't seek to control them.
So be it.
And never take things personally or take myself or my project too seriously.
And trust God always.
I think today's meeting was good with five committed and Interested people
More people would have made it longer.

Yacht party

So we had a surprise party for saro  yesterday and it was a big bash on the yacht!
Whiskey and bbq and birthday cake and noodles and sparkling juice. 
Warm sea water in the falling light
Swimming in the sea with kids and family in life jackets each having fun and lookin out for the other.
I jumped into the sea.
And swam a very small bit without the life jacket.  Was pretty awesome. 
Made a few mistakes. A bigger boat would have helped ensure my mum could come.  She's my hero. She didn't come to save me embarrrasement.
I'm so blessed.
We saw the ocean currents too!
I really wanna do a tinman trip next. With aadhi and karthi and company

Baby aishu

She's a ray of sunlight
You cannot catch a ray of sunlight
You can only be in its path and feel the glow the warmth the love the life

Baby joy. Twinkling eyes. Michevious smile. Heart wrenching cry. My little insistent bundle of joy

Hemingway made me vegetarian

I'm not vegetarian because I'm Indian or because I'm Hindu.  I'm vegetarian  coz of Ernest Hemingway!  And that is the power of literature you don't know how or when a book will speak to you and change your life and no one books speaks to different people the same way.

Singapore different

Walking to the esplanade is fun beautiful and breath catching at night and early evening

Writing ... I have a friend biw😀 a tiny soul who likes what I wrote and was inspired to write something ething much better

I'm alone at a theatre show filled with couples and young yuppies. Girls giggling too much with ang no men.  And slangz. 

Texture

Crash and splash
Caressing the sand
Sometimes gentle lapping on the shore
Sometimes ferocious beating /falling crashing down

Aathma paramathma

The aathma seeking parathma
Unfettered by these chains
Amma. .. milk...food...bath... care
I yearn to be free
And yet not too free
For tending to these are tending to you too
I shall stay to do my duty with great love
Even as I yearn to reach into the cosmos through the mystical eye
Gravitational pulls keeping us stable
From above and below
Physical spiritual emotional
Aum Shanthi Shanthi Shanthi he

Rage

Inexplicable rage coursing down ones veins
Pumping
Spinning in a vortex fulled by its own energy
Combustive and volatile
The spark that lights it lost in the sheer fury
And then the simmering after the force
A void an echo chamber in the head
Disbelief at how much rage a small person can trigger
For Not having done homework
Taking ages over her food
The worst
Not listening not heeding the Mother

The clash of wills
And the abuse of power
Dominance of size and age and volume of voice
Echoing emptily after it all

disconcerting

So the other day, around 8.30 pm, I was at a bus stop - the wrong one as I had been reading and missed my actual stop near my mum's house - nothing new there really.
I was nearer my own home than my mum's house, so thought I'd head there and wanted to let my mum know.but my phone battery was dead .
There was this other lady at the bus stop that night. She was looking at her phone at what looked like the map of mrt lines or something. She wasn't engrossed in any game, just looking and scrolling down her phone.
so I asked her - Hi, my phone battery is dead, may I borrow your phone for a quick phonecall to my mum to let know that I'm heading home
She looked at me up and down with a sneer on her face, and said, "sorry, no."
I laughed, flabbergasted! She then said - why don't you use the public phone - pointing some vague way off, I knew I'd have to trudge through many blocks to get to a possible pay phone they aren't ubiquitous any more - and I'd likely miss the only bus I could take from there to my home.
so I desisted - but man it bothered me for awhile.
she looked me up and down and then refused.
I was dressed in my work clothes - black pants, red and white sleeveless top, carrying three bags - guess handbag, laptop bag and hushpuppies shoe bag - I mean..
not sure what I triggered in her. She looked only at my face, not at my bags and all the rest

to give her the benefit of the doubt, possibly she had a bad experience before maybe.


that day the intuitive feel I got from her was that I was not to be trusted - and I felt it was due to my being indian or (maybe she perceived me to be among those "distasteful foreigners who are flooding singapore"
or maybe, having read Shanmugam's speech, perhaps she thought I was muslim
in any case, definitely felt it was due to some form of bias or racial/religious/nationalist prejudice against me.

and well. I was miffed of course. but think just think of how much some muslims in various parts of the world must be feeling. and then you have Richard the III saying, "I am determined to prove the villain" , and may as well be hanged for sheep as for a lamb -

good reflection for me, truly.

The inexplicable rage we can feel towards small people

The unmarried are universally aghast.  How could a mother kill her child for not reciting his numbers ???!!!!

The parents all shudder involuntarily. But for chance it could be them in the news.

So. Before we have kids we can't imagine such a thing happening. Our sense of proportion and righteousness all are intact.

Once you are a parent and you find yourself embroiled in a power struggle with a small person,all sense of time and space fall away and that one moment becomes all that ever was ever and is. And in that one cosmic moment in that whole universe there are only two people you.  And your nemesis. the small person who opposes you.  And you want to control him. Get him to do what is good for him. Why won't he understand. Food he needs for nourishment.  Numbers and letters to be someone in this world! sleep by bedtime so he would be well rested for the next day.  And there in that microcosmic world filled with good righteous intentions we lose all sense of proportion and we do it. And forever can't take away the one moment we forgot ourselves.

Ruminations

I'm listening observing and drawing some ideas on Christianity.  It's simplicity really. 

They pray to god for the physical bodily pains his son suffered. Human suffering.  Suffering they can feel too coz it's so real so enR to them.

That this happened 2000 years ago is powerful testament to the power of the religion!

Waves

Waves crashing on a shore
An eternal rhythm
Beyond you and me
Beyond today and yesterday
Not relentless ...
just indifferent.

Pretty face

You saw me as a pretty face and I baffled and befuddled your expectations on every count

I never saw myself as a pretty face and thus it's taken me now 20 years to understand how and why we failed

Now you have daughters and you will never see them as pretty faces
You will love and cherish and celebrate them

And you will never realise how at one time you saw another as just a pretty face
You will never make this realisation  about yourself for even I took 20 years to do so

Thank you once again and again
You have been a teacher like none other
Teaching me in ways I would never otherwise learn .
Of value and self worth
Of spite and kindness
of openness and secrecy

Age

To not known how much is not known
To jog at midnight without a care or knowledge of all that could happen
Living fearlessly in ignorance
Only God running beside me ahead of me behind me
The arrogance of youth
The ignorance of youth
The vanity of youth

Been through it and now watch it

A stranger I must have seemed
Picking up veena at 18
.

Station 11

This is the way the world ends not with a bang but a whimper

Not with a boom but an achoo

That's the premise of this mind blowing book.

Mrt

Yesterday 2

Preparing for life after life as it is now

I don't mean the after life
I mean. retirement.
Or any other changes *touch wood

1. Learn painting
2. Learn piano
3. Write novels and poetry and short stories
4. Study further -another masters or phd in lit

Yup.
5.  Travel around the world to see friends

So going for course and all that now to develop some interest for things to sustain me in my retirement. I don't want to feel all lost and rudderless should work end or other changes to the way I'm living  now.

Family is important critical
But not the only thing there is in life. 
Sobering truth

So now I'm going for courses for all these reason

Baby Rhianna

Two tear drops just rolled down from the corner of my eyes . Stupid me. I'm missing seeing subairs daughter grow up.  I'm mad that by the time I see her she's going to be not a baby anymore but a tiny toddler. A bit crazy huh.  I wonder how all those grandparents with kids overseas feel when I feel like this for a friend's kid

Another one left

And so another one has left. My third..first lasted 7 months. 2nd lasted 2 years 4 months. And third lasted 2 years. Today a new one arrives. 
Who are these people who pass through our lives? Temporary yet permanent while here? Affecting our moods our actions shaping our thoughts our conscience?

I felt sad when the second left. No so with third.  1st I only felt a profound sense of relief. Third.  Just meh.  But I cared for all of course. And determined to care for the next even as I'm clearer as to what to expect. Hope she lasts the two years. But prepared foe anything. 

Prayer. That's what will help.

Much is different with this one.  Different country. Experienced.  Married with kid. Let's see how it goes. Just hope she has some standard of cleaning! And patience with kids. And an easy going nature..honest.

Cny

Day 3 now and we are at the bottom gardens in cheongsams . Well the kids are. I'm about 500 meters away from them now on the way to Jacob balla s garden.

Been a nice two days sat went cycling in the rain. Sun was cookathon swimming and clearing of store of food. Mon been a bit slow now had tuition with a kid who declares he hates lit who doesn't want to make much effort to understand the text who takes a perverse enjoyment in cruel boys in the story who can't relate to little kids. Creeps me out a bit.

Hopefully the garden turns out fun.

Oh and yesterday while we were clearing the store akshaya wrote a story! 11 pages she wrote for more than 2 hours ! Very proud of her!

Need to do reading with ashwin and piano with both. Did some reading with ashwin on fri night and some art work too with him on sat

Okay update gardens turned out great!  

Gone girl

I am reading a book right now.
I will never be able to write like that.
Hold back so much
Let the reader want to know so much
Drop so many tantalising clues that lead first one way then another and now a third way
My status today: .lost in a book.  Please go away

Playing mind games with me.
A real lesson in perspectives. 
But now she's looking all put villainous. Not sure I like that either 

Keeping things

I blurted to saro yesterday that I didn't like keeping things from him
He got jumpy
Think he had a bit of a shock no sure what he feared I was keeping
In the end of course it was one tiny thing and one philosophical thing.
Nothing for him to worry about
But for awhile i wondered what he feared! 
Maybe what every married person fears?
😀😀
Needn't worry now I'm just busy missing him
Hope he's touched by it and not annoyed

Lots on my mind

I'm swimming
Tiny fish in a big ocean
Asking big questions that are maybe only small questions
Tiny in this universe

Passion compassion dispassion

Interesting ideas by sadhguru

1.passion towards creator
2. Compassion for all living things
3.dispassion towards the self

Number 3 is like rule number 5: don't take yourself so seriously!

Number 2 means I should continue striving towards vegetarianism and in my kids too where I can

Number 1 is all true of course.

God is great

Today I was just so down.
The usual down I get when I endure a month of saros frequent absences around this time of the year
I love thaipusam. But I also miss him Terribly in this period. He's gotten so busy with organising it these past three years.

But god is so kind
First he helped me think of painting as a way of getting around my funk. Then too painting for a purpose as a present for my dad.
Then he got my mum and dad to turn at my place to celebrate his birthday.
It was perfect!
Of course saro was missing but it felt so special. I had been bawling!then god gives me this. Special time with my kids. Special time with my parents 
Aishu was so happy she was chatting at the top of her voice the whole time.
It was great. 
God is so very kind to me. .I am blessed.

Work life balance

Catch myself feeling guilty that I'm not taking my laptop home so I can have the option  to work on the bus on my way home!!

Not a good sign.

Want to bake a cake today and give some to charmaine.  Hope it turns out well.

Under the persimmon tree

Very sad story
I sat at the station and cried coz I was listening to murugan bhajanai songs while reading this extremely sad book about the reality of millions of people. It just shook me . Kids orphaned gun fire parents forced to fight
We have so much to be grateful for.

Having said that
These books are more accounts of what happens than rich literature with complex characters.
The heroine and the children are so perfect.  The bad guys are faceless bad guys. Possibly true.  But not for lit study I think

The old man and the sea

My dad's lit book.
Oft quotes a line from there
Water water everywhere not a drop to drink
Except that...
When I read it I never came across the line. Literally read the book for that line
It wasn't there
Now raise it's from rime of the ancient mariner by coleridge!
But no matter I shall read that next
I am on a sea faring voyage in books right now. That will be third such text.
And I love it.

This book. ..
So it talks about man's struggle with and against nature the elements. The thrill and challenge of pitching oneself against the elements. This is an ancient preoccupation of wanting to prove ones worth against the elements. It's prevalent today too. It's why that Singaporean man challenged himself to scale a mountain and got blown off it in Wales on new years day!
It's the theme in real life accounts like in the heart of the sea too.
Man against nature fighting to survive. Talking to oneself.  Brink of madness. The unthinkable becomes the daily realities. 

What lessons from old man and the sea.
He says he just went too far.
True. He didn't want to give up . His esteem couldn't take it that he was defeated by the fish.  Great respect for the fish . In the end both got beaten by the scavengers. The sharks.  Only then did he accept he'd been beaten.

Why does the boy cry?
The physical and mental sufferings of the old man. Empathy and love. For his dream not realised.

Just watched a video that says the fish bone at the end and the fish itself is a symbol of his victory . Maybe.
I saw it as a symbol of the futility of his struggle against the elements. Wouldn't it have been kinder if he had let the fish go? He would have other smaller fish and actually brought home his catch and still been respected. 

I didn't see the sharks as symbolising the other fishermen.  I saw them as parasites. The ones who benefit when two strong figures fight. With mutual respect the tow strong figures would have won and scavengers lost

How different are we from.despicable sharks when we too jst wait for fisherman to catch and we pay to eat?
We don't fight the fish to death witness it fight to survive. That panic when they know they are cornered and dead.

So tired

I am so tired.

Exercise

It may be a matter of how much we want something and how we prioritise it.
When I have time what do I do with it?

I did the 7 mim thing in 2nd  3rd and 4th Jan.  Then I didn't from 5th to 9th!
5th I worked
6th I got shy at work
7th I decided to play with kids
8th also
9th I went for a movie and ate!
Not to mention the hours in the toilet

Not that any of these are not important. Kids work food
Just ask g myself how much I want to do it. If must be important.  It is. But I must recognise it and give it that time.

Sindhu bhairavi 2

Songs like padariyaen padipariyaen are the reason why we should know tamil.  Such elegant word play and poetry.  So clever. 
And sivakumar defines  'smouldering' .
Vareva!

Continuing. This is after watching just the songs in the movie.
He is fighting his demons. Goes from. One temptation and addiction to another.
Sindhu to drinks.

Love how so much of the film males sense. 
Like she helps him sober up. Promises to return so he gets used to being without her and drinks for 6 months.
Then she retreats leaving behind her baby. Having served a kind of purpose in life.

swamped and then blessed

Its amazing
 I feel swamped, like I can't breathe, and then I look at my phone and I see my three darlings smiling at me (okay two smiling one frowning but such a cute frown) and my heart just melts. everything feels A okay.
thank you god for your blessings!
cheers
Meena 

Efficiency

I seriously need to improve efficiency. 
With Google no reason not to. Just now wasted 20 min or more coz I didn't check that I could collect and pack the parcel before I queue. So had to queue twice make people unhappy who think I'm join queue. Very stressful.
Now maybe late to meet Leonard. 

Ad

So I've been appointed ad
Honestly I think it's been long coming. I've been leading the lit team which is not the same as leading a team within El.  It's a whole parallel subject.

I will never forget the challenge pay issued me when I proposed a lit bulletin. You better have enough content if not there won't be an issue.

So.
I'm ad.  Well and good.
Any change requires change management.
And time for the changes to sink in.
I'll just need to take the time to reassure them. My goals are as always focused on lit  .

primaryschool feeling

ha! a minute ago I was transported to Marymount Convent, P2.
Can I go to the toilet, yes sure sure.

Class monitress. Meena. cannot say no to anything. at the point of demotion my teacher said, Meenakshi useless monitress!
haha, coz I couldn't say no. thought what right do I have to say when kids can go to the toilet!

just now my colleague just asked who they should clear their leave requests with! and this flashed back to me - class monitress. can't say no.
sigh.

well, it's okay.