river daze 2

The river usually blue-green,

is brown today from run-off,

the colour of weak milk tea.

How will it gleam in the light again?

How can we learn from the ebb and flow,

secure in the knowledge 

that this too will pass,

the murk will run clear

if we just 

give it time?

river daze

the usually blue green river 

is brown today from run off

the colour of weak milk tea 

how does it turn green blue again

thru what self cleansing means

and how can we learn to be patient and content 

secure in the knowledge 

that this too will pass

the murk will run clear

if we just 

give it time 

the slow descent

I feel the slow descent 

into madness or despair or a mix of both

lying naked on my bed

my family is outside 

but i am not there 

when I sit on the sofa 

dread sits with me

for I know not how to live 

when my daughter is not well

I fear I may have fed her poison from my own hands

couscous with chillie and pepper coz she asked

I feel despair 

fear 

and I take it out by being grumpy 

with saro

with ashwin 

I am stuck

and need help 

oh god

yesterday I really gave a tongue lashing to saro. 

he just sat there and received it

not sure how this may change things between us 

background 

1. akshaya had blood in stools again. 

2. he had gone as planned to a temple meeting. 

3. by 10, 11, 1130 he was still not home, no calls

4. my parents came to see us around 8.30 and stayed till 9.30 just for me to hold on to them. I didn't want to let my dad's hand go. didn't want his hug to end. I needed support more than I knew. 

so with this background 

I said these things amongst others to him 

1. he can't be bothered to come home by bed time or call. no matter how many times this is said

2. even today when she was sick he thought it nec to go for that meetingz stay till the end and take the bus ans train home 

3. perhaps only parents and children can truly love one another. he and I are not blood related so maybe he can't be there to love me like he should 

4. I needed to be strong for the rest he was not there for me when I needed him

5. temples won't collapse if he doesn't turn up. but family.. either will collapse or learn to move on without him and he must be happy with either because he keeps doing this

6. he and I are on thin ice. its fragile. if he wants to go away he can just go and stay away but he keeps going and coming and making it so difficult 

7. my red lines are being home by bedtime or calling

8. he needs to ask himself if the meeting he went to was worth all this

9. and does he even know the use of the words "I need to go"

for me

I'm aghast he had the privilege of forgetting for awhile that she was ill

and also for me

I know he can't prioritise family or me ever. ever. I must live with this. 

I can. I will. 

on his part

he just said he deserved it and has no excuses

Well.

a year on

nearly a year to the date 

we are back

blood in the stools

we are like a little sail boat in the centre of an ocean

and the waves and winds are hitting us hard

the sail being buffeted every which way 

and we can only pray we remain standing and do not drown 

marked

I am marked as his

and I revel in it

for generations down 

my descendants will bear this mark

that we too helped

in what little way we could 

for ram to reach his sita

for ram to take out evil

we are marked 

another maybe of various Shakespeare characters? 

ode to lost earrings part 2

part 1: the ones left behind 

a solid yellow triangle, under a silver disc

a turquoise volkswagon with gold piping

a pale pink cat walking on a grey fur ball

a Turkish eye for luck, blue white black

a pair of red shoes Dorothy wore

a purple feather beneath a disco ball

a tree under a pop of bubblegum pink 

all one of a kind pieces

now one of each kind

line up on the dresser 

waiting  

for the other to come back

from where they dropped off 

from the lobe to travel the globe

the car park, the jogging track 

the train, the office 

not caring 

about the ones left behind  

Part 2: the party begins 

oh look the cat has come back! 

and now the rest turn to one another

no point waiting time to hook up

the red shoes beckon and the turquoise car zooms over 

the feather waves the tree over 

the yellow block and Turkish eye look at each other awhile

then they say we both have a disc this could work and they are off too

the world is jumbled but just right too

and now the dresser is filled with happy chatter 

of the ones left behind! 

the ones left behind part 1 v2

the ones left behind 

a solid yellow triangle, under a silver disc

a turquoise volkswagon with gold piping

a pale pink cat walking on a grey fur ball

a Turkish eye for luck, blue white black

a pair of red shoes Dorothy wore

a purple feather beneath a disco ball

a tree under a pop of bubblegum pink 

all one of a kind pieces

now one of each kind

line up on the dresser 

waiting  

for the other to come back

from where they dropped off 

from the lobe to travel the globe

the car park, the jogging track 

the train, the office 

not caring 

about the ones left behind  

the ones left behind p1

the ones left behind 

a solid yellow triangle, under a silver disc

a turquoise volkswagon with gleaming gold piping

a cat walking on a pink fur ball

a Turkish eye for luck, blue white black

a pair of red shoes Dorothy wore

a purple feather beneath a disco ball

a tree under a pop of bubblegum pink 

all one of a kind pieces

now one of each kind

left on my shelf waiting 

for the other to come back

from the road the park the sea the jogging track the train

where they dropped off 

from the lobe

to travel the globe 

not caring 

about the ones left behind