Ashwin

So reading this book makes me think of ashwin a little. 
He's not autistic .
However he is quite particular about things.
He won't go toilet anywhere but home. He hasn't given me the reasons for this the way Christopher does in the book. 
But there is something about wanting to go to the toilet only at home.  Or the equivalent of home in a foreign country. Deeply personal. 

And he likes to know what's going to happen and when and why . I find it much easier to explain to him a change in plans if I've prepped him for it first.  Like yesterday we didn't have the voucher so didn't buy the book. He forgot about it but I told him anyway .. we are going to the library to borrow books instead if the bookshop to buy it. True enough he recalled it hours later and asked in a panic if we were going to get the book would the book still be there. And I could tell him remember I told you we would get library books instead?  And it calmed him down immediately. 

Same with his make belive cake. I threw a pillow at him for fun and it knocked into his cake. I knew qaht I was doing which was a bit mean of me! But my he got so upset crying and wailing that he had taken so much effort to make his cake and I made him spill half of it! So tats not autistic . He could imagine something . But he imagined it so well that the hurt he felt at me knocking it down also felt real. And I had to empathise with him and offer to help him make it and all and only then he calmed down. He was even more hurt coz he was making th cake for me!

He's a very special child. All of then are of course.  Just that he's got a slightly different way of thinking and feeling.  And if we don't get hat we could get super frustrated with him. He yells and cries very loudly when things don't go his way.

Curious incident of the dog in the night-time

I'm unbearably sad after reading the book though the book seems to have a happy ending of sorts for him

He's got a plan.

A level math then further math then a level physics  . Then uni. With a proper house and toilet and his dog.

But.. his father and mother have split up. The mother was happy with another man now she's split up with him too for his sake.

So his parents are living life for him almost. And it's tough.  He can't even show his appreciation because in his world everything is one dimensional.  So he is quite "selfish" in a way he can't help. And those who love him have to live with him for his sake not theirs.

He's got two people who really love him for who he is. Just that they can't live with each other which makes me very very sad.

And by the looks of it they may not be able to live anyone else either unless they can find someone who can live with him his way. The can't be easy. Complicated love story here.

And this kid... he can only see the surface of things. That his father killed a dog and lied about his mum. He can't see the struggle and pain of his father that led him to this situation. 

And he can't see or appreciate the love and pain of his mum either.

So in a matter of years I guess he would go back to live with his dad. That's my guess.

But there's something beautiful and uncomplicated about him too. He can't get this "parents fight and each wants to sleep with someone else and that his mum wanting to sleep with someone else may make the dad unhappy or that Mrs sheares not wanting to sleep with the dad would also make him unhappy. Unhappy enough to kill an innocent dog."

His mind and old view has no space for such unnecessary complications.

Patience

Yes so
I didn't act on my desire to go in there and kick him awake.
What a good thing.
He came to me at 5 am and took me back himself.
All will come to he who waits.
Thank god for that
For the pain of the three days to know it matters
That love doesn't go anywhere in 13 years.  Maybe it becomes more complex. 

Heart be strong

Heart be strong
You know not what you are made of
Heart be strong
Who knows how long more you have

God made you beat and beat
Until you beat no more
Eternal romantic love is a myth
But life is real

I will love my kids
But not get too attached
I have a duty to fulfil
And then I will be gone

I hope I die a painless death
That would be a blessing indeed
I need to be good for that
I need to pray

But now is not the time
When the time comes I'll be ready
I am ready whenever he calls
But it won't be when I m depressed

God gave me life to live his way
And bear punishment for crimes
I must have sinned I have indeed
And  now I cry alone

Tomorrow is yet another day
I hope to leave before he wakes
I can't bear to have him in the same room and  not want to be near me

I am human. I do feel hurt.
But I've been made by god
And my heart is strong
My faith is strong

Can't sleep

I can't sleep coz of the thoughts in my head

Brad pit and Angelina are divorcing and the world is in shock.  I'm not but the world is. Why aren't I?  I already felt that shock when Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt split ages ago.

But here's the thing. I'm starting to think it's not natural or normal for men to stick to one partner. They get bored. They need things to be snazzed up.

So maybe that's why I shouldn't protest saros temple addiction
Better the temple than another woman

But

How about for women what do I turn to in boredom
Music. Literature and travel maybe

My kids love me and are happy to have me put then to bed. 
Someone is happy having me put them to bed too
So this will become my norm
I wake up early I sleep late putting them to bed
He just does his own thing  and I'm so cool with it
Live Buddha like with   no expectations
Thing is...this Buddha like nirvana state means I will feel acutely happy less too. Everything is transient and impermanent. 

If I were to die who would miss me most
I believe my parents followed by my children
I don't think he'd miss me except that maybe he'd have to cut down his other woman stuff. Maybe then again maybe not.
I hate feeling so bitter and so sorry for myself. 
I want to get out of it but I can't
Everyone is fighting their own battles.
So if I want him home this is how it will be he will be home and just sleep. I'd rather he be out.
I'm the grand master control freak
Sometimes I feel like hamlet.
Is it too early to die though
Have I yet gods work to do
I dunt know. 
I have a ship to sail at work
Maybe at home with three kids
Then like sita I can ask the earth to swallow me up and she will
You know what I'm depressed.
I don't know how to get out of it
I realise I feel unloved by my husband and it's hurting me
It doesn't please me to know others have it worse
Just thinking of what I've written makes me realise I am depressed. I mention wanting to end my life. I feel sorry for me
I wish I could shake myself up and get the fuck on with life
Part of me worries does sutha ever feel like this
I am putting my happiness in the hands of others. The man the kids the friends. 
I need to find happiness within.

Ruminations

I hear a baby cry in the train and I long to be home hearing my own baby girl cry... though I don't enjoy her crying

I see a cute toddler opposite me on the bus and my heart melts thinking of my darlings

I can't believe I have one of those darlings myself! I can't belive I have I three. Touch wood. And god gave them to me to us. They are a part of him and me.

Where does love go after 13 years?

I look at love stories now with wistful wonder

Can one love another so much I wonder

And this wondering wistfulness makes me sad

Have we lost it

Do I say it without meaning it

Does it mean anything at all

Are we but partners in child rearing and nothing more
.I don't know

The babies love is and we love them unconditionally. It's a blood thing?

But us. Love with conditions .

Heart at home again

My heart is at home
With three little stars
And one big moon
I miss them so much
I long to go home
To hear their news they tell me in all seriousness
To play catching with them as they slip from my fingers
And as I yearn to reach out to catch them
I am only too aware
I cannot ever hold them
They are too precious to be held
To be known
Like the shaft of sunlight that sifts through our hair
The shimmer of water that slips through our fingers
The lilt of sweet air that passes by us and through us
They sustain us
We cannot ever hold them
Only love them
With an ache that foretells
The day we may have to let go
Without ever having held them

Teen suicide

So two to three kids have just jumped. From rjc.
I need to talk to saro and friends about helping kids cope I tell you!