I shed a tear

I shed a tear for the world today

facing climate change assault on the one hand - floods, storms, landslides

and unprovoked war on the other, with a lady giving soldiers sunflower seeds so life may bloom after death 

and a world beset with the virus, now so close, in my home, among our parents. 

by the sea

today I was at the jetty at sunset 

just watching the water,

undulating like a silk blanket of deep dark green on one side of the jetty, and catching the light in gold flashes, like a floating fire the other side. 

it made me wonder at this amazing world we live in, 75% water, an unequal equilibrium to enable us to survive, nature's perfect math

and we, tiny beings that we are, crowding onto the 25% land

we do not respect her genius that has allowed earth and its beings to evolve for billions of years.

we, smaller than than a grain of sand in time, we strut like we own the place 

and worse, we trash the place.

how are we doing it, we are able to block the sun for the smog, fill the oceans with plastic and oil like its our personal waste bucket and we can do it so we'll, this amazing earth is thrown out of balance 

she shows her anger by spewing hail in places that have never seen it, uprooting trees and flinging them across town, flooding lands in deluges creating mudslides, 

the world is out of whack

and we have done it

what right do we have to not respect the delicate balance that keeps us alive and instead pull the rug from our own feet, burn our own homes and condemn our future to a world unlivable? 

my unresolved feelings

1. I hate it when my mum's family overwhelms me with gifts.i grew up just happily accepting the excesses they heaped on me. but after marriage and seeing how reasonably others give and perhaps how I myself am not the best gift buying person, I don't like it. 

2. I appreciate it when people give a few well chosen, thoughtful meaningful gifts. 

3. so I feel assaulted when given a laundry basket full of gifts and then some. 

4. and worse when it comes from people who don't seem to want to see me at all.  then why off-load this rubbish when you don't want to see me? okay I may be over reacting but let me just get out how and why I feel so hurt

a. I invited them over on Monday and they made a huge fuss about coming. when saro called they said ok. but when I called, don't want to strain you. , etc etc. I hate them. I said I want to have them 0ver. they think I'm doing this out of courtesy. and they just didn't want to come. Next day ashwin was sick and I told them don't come. 

b. then I made plans with them to take them out for dinner on wed. spent the whole day planning choosing the place. they didn't seem keen but agreed. then after their bloody mustache removing called and said don't feel bad you stay with kids and look after them. and they went shopping! and lost uncle and had a fight. well-deserved I say well deserved. snubbed a second time. mitigating factors. really aishu was sick. maybe good i stayed. helped with hw and all.  and maybe they wanted to go shopping and thought they could take liberties with me. 

BUT then I find out they met kanna twice, went to see uma athai and senthil and nalla, went out for lunch with swaminathan twice and i cant help but feel hurt. all these people you go and see take the trouble to make time for, but not for me? 

then I was resolved already not to meet them, just say bye on the phone even that just to keep bridges and they say they want to come see me_ to download their rubbish gifts- a duty really now for what they supposed to do with the junk if they don't, but still they won't come up. WHY? 

why s2o hesitant to come up to my house. I hate them. I really do. I've washed them out of my system for a bit. 

and then my kids fight over their junk. I took out my anger on them. 

I'm gonna go find their gifts and give them all away. just keep the few I like. urgh. 

okay another perspective.  

I'm just their sisters daughter. I'm not important to them. seeing me once is enough oh BTW saro is god. he deserves all respect.  but I'm just the niece. 

don't want to come to my house coz they are scared of being tainted by my sick kids. ( they got delayed a day and went thru some difficulty - karma I tell you) 

urgh

 

so now I have to practise seeing abundance. let it go. 

First thing first gonna take all the rubbish they have given and give them away. put them away. only keep a few that we like maybe..they can save me trouble of buying stuff for students for example.  

rest I'm gonna give the construction workers in my estate or the old man and young lady who cleans the blocks

I'd like to tell them thanks, we given your gifts to neighbours, workers and students and kept just these. 

how shall I be unhappy

how shall I be unhappy

let me count the ways

shall I brood about the fact

that my mother bought me brand new pens,  the kinds I really wanted 

and soft pyjamas with fun patterns 

but my sister tried out a drone

I had wanted to be the first to launch- 

oh the crushing disappointment 

or shall I make it a point 

not to enjoy my shopping 

knowing I have homework yet to complete 

and even if I complete it 

won't there be another batch the next day 

so it will never end. 

let me not think about the chocolate chip cookies my mum bought me or that she took a cab there because of my whining instead I'll think about how when i.get back I won't get to watch a movie 

I'll just dream up more things to whine about

there's such a treasure of things to whine about

and then I need never be happy again

happiness flits on my like a butterfly resting on a flower 

and then I can go back to t

my equilibrium my centre

my unhappiness 

vines

you wrap your arms around me

like a vine around a teee

leaning on me, you support me 

without realising it

for who am I without you three

I feel each of you tug at me 

needing me now especially 

when you are sick

and I feel the pain of having to leave you alone , so you can actually sleep

the whole day rolls by in a mix of laughter and tears 

but at night when Iean over to hug you

and kiss your baby soft cheeks and you literally melt into me

I know I hold in my hands the greatest treasures in the world 

thank you God for my blessings! 

had a talk

had a talk and worked it out