Oh my

The heart is heavy. 
Yesterday ashwin said my body is scared! 

I feel... I feel I just give enough of myself to anything anyone. .e erythibg feels half and half
I thought I was a cheerful person akshaya was quick to point out I'm not.

Nights
Some nights I put akshaya and ashwin to bed those nights I miss aishu.  I miss aishu a lot in fact feel like I hardly spend time with her.
Between ashwin and akshaya I feel guilty that I hug and comfort and kiss ashwin a lot more than I do akshaya.  He's round and soft.  She's lean and angular and more prone to lashing out. He sits there cuddly .
But all the more I need to hug her ?

She's the eldest at 6 and really has to give in a lot. This makes me sad
Other 6 year old may be princesses of their universe but mine?

At night the other two cry for milk and then need to be hugged back to sleep.  She's the loner. Would like to be hugged and cuddled too especially as she sleeps but there is only so Much of me to go around .

That's at night.  In the day my day is all consumed  by akshaya!  Her homework piano practice piano homework dance class cycling ...
Where's my time and attention to the other two? Playing with them reading with them games with them. All seems to be not there. It's always about her.

And yet I feel she feels jealous because she needs to eat on he own the other two get fed.

Maybe it's to do with visible forms of physical affection she needs that I'm giving the other two. And more tangible stuff to do I need to do with the other two.