sigh

My daughter is sick

And I want to anything I can to not think about it

I pray she gets better soon

I have a ton of unspoken fears

To love is to fear isn't it.

Need to write a poem about this

Or about how I seek distractions so I never need to think about the hard stuff that leaves me feeling helpless

Yeah. I rather plan a party prepare a scrap book take the kids shopping by gifts garlands anything rather than face the fact she is having a relapse

F***

Well here I am at the hospital

They refused to give her food yesterday. She was hungry. 

Can you imagine how awful and low I feel. My daughter is hungry and i cant feed her. So many mothers must face this feeling on a regular basis

She went to the toilet 4 times and started feeling weakn her legs. So we came. They made us admit her. Withheld food. Poked stiff into her.iv drips. Isolation room with only me as company. 

Sigh

But next day her stool was normal! 

Then she started eating she was happier but her stools got worse progressively

Now she is absorbed in a new book I bought her. 

And I am postponing coming up with draft slides for a workshop I am running next week

When things like this happen you want the rest of the world to pause. Give you time to catch up

But that's one of the relentless rules of life right. 

It f***ing keeps going on

I'm scared. I hope she gets better. That this is the normal pattern of flares. That it subsides. It's the not knowing that kills. 

I want to sleep. But i have slides to do

Bye