saros year as an iyer

Aishu asked him yesterday if he was an iyer

he lives from temple to temple 

and let's not kid ourselves

he ain't gonna stop next year magically 

Once that adrenaline kicks in he's not gonna get his fix till he over tops this too

like his running and his.watch 

one day he will get a health scare so bad he will slow down

then pick up again .he doesn't realise parenting and husbanding is sometimes just being around for boring stuff too . and nothing I can tell him is going to change his ways

just so funny though. even as a kid I wanted a husband who would be around in the evenings. I didnt want to marry a doctor coz he would busy all the time. selfish of me. 

and when I saw raghavendra I felt so sorry for the lady. and for Buddha 's wife. 

I always felt it a little more acutely than others I think 

perhaps I had always known

a premonition that my life too would be like that one day 

I could walk away and really do it on my own

but now I spend my money on the kids and he on the house 

so I live comfortably 

and him being around sometime is better than not at all

the kids do need a father 

so in balance better to stay together i guess

but I have no illusion of us getting more of his time. not now not later 

and when the kids are older maybe I can find my own way my own calling and we can live like two roommates. friendly strangers.  I might even find love again. when I don't have to pay for the kids or need his time with them. they will have both him and me and I can find a partner who loves me and finds me enough. 

let's be realistic though. I don't like sex. I like companionship . so maybe later on I can learn.to just be by myself or hang out with some friends who will still have me

I have no illusions about saro though. nothing is gonna stop him till something is too late. he needs thst kick of regret to slow him down and even that only for a while.  his health.  I dunno what else. death in the family maybe? if  die? Will he slow down for the kids I doubt it. my parents will help. 

if one of the kids die? 

I'll leave him for sure. 

fuck. 

.not a healthy way to be thinking first thing in the morning. 

I guess I'm really not okay. 

if I talk like this think like this I'm not cool 

but I don't wanna keep begging

I don't. 

God keep him and give me the strength to be a good parent to my kids 

I don't even have the energy to curse him. 

let him live well. you obviously believe I can do this. and you want him.. 

so be it.