mixed feelings

saro is back but not yet fully

I don't know what to feel

am I supposed to be super grateful he turned up yesterday 

guess I could be

he had other things that he must have cancelled

wish he could have been more attentive to her party and been more willing earlier though

but I'm being unfair 

After all I've always known his true priorities regardless of what he pays lip service to. 

I'm sounding bitter

I don't want to

I want to be grateful and happy and bounce on present joys without regret or resentment for past or future 

and I can 

I just saw grass on a roof of a bus

surely that can only make me smile! 

and earlier flowers so shockingly pink on a green tree 

again I can only marvel at such beauty

and thank god for a lovely party 

he and I hugged on valentines day . that was last Monday. 

since then nothing. 

oh well. 

.and I've been making plans. planning dates for his birthday 

and suggested we meet for coffee on Thursday after my yoga

let's see 

I'll make some effort. but not have any hope or expectations.

hardest deal ever

but I'll try and keep trying and I will be happy

After all I can't quite forget or forgive unfortunately the slight he gave me last anniversary and soon after at the walk a jog

I am always low on his priorities. 

but it's ok..he shall be low on mine too. 

I will not speak about this

he will feel helpless

he can't change the way he feels

I have to do the dignified thing 

and find joy everywhere I can

in nature

in writing 

in my parents 

in my kids 

in my friends 

in books

in music 

in movies 

in God

I am sooooo blessed to have so many things to give me joy

cheers 

grr. I hate him in the temple. always so torn. says he will pick up aishu then asks hopefully if he can be excused 

how am I supposed to trust him

he doesn't understand the effect his qn have on my already tender line of trust I have with him

he is the most reliable man in the temples.

but at home? need reminder after reminder for things . 

sigh. 

can't say anything 

just accept

accept accept 

zen

ohm 

shantih shantih shantih he

After note 

1. Good I didn't say anything. he showed me the book he had overseen publication of for temple. Shakthi. beautiful! and sooo much effort from him. quiet. silent. I was very humbled. it would have been awful if I had whined . 

2. he did ask me out on a Thursday! but i had already made plans. Still... there is hope!