parenting

I have been putting it off for sometime 

and it gets worse and worse

I better write about it now

writing is reflective

and I have a lot on my mind

twice recently I've been told I'm tired 

I've bullied my son quite unnecessarily 2 times and 1 additional time 

I bullied my daughter too but she told me off the way only she can, bravely speaking truth to power 

I'm lacking sleep. every night I play Russian roulette moving between the rooms of my 3 kids. I wonder if I have utterly failed them sleepwise and they cannot fall asleep without someone by their side. 

so what's been happening 

1. Work. Big workshops. cdc papers. but, slowing down a bit down at least workshop wise 

2. dad was getting a heart operation. but that's finished successfully and he is recovering well. I miss them

3. ashwin  psle. he has got in dsa already so less high stakes.. maybe. stakes still high though because his self esteem and sense of worth are on the line. prelim over. not so great in math. need to work on it but no time. school gives him so much work he has barely time to do any extra but he needs to do extra in order to do to meet his expectations. tough. and this spills onto me. making me harsh with him. unhappy with him, with the system. I so often fall into traps of seeing exams as tests of self and not of just mere knowledge and application  in a timed setting. he spent hours on a ppt presentation for ss last night. Good thing I didn't give him too much grief. that was learning too just not tested knowledge and skills. 

4. ashwin get emotional. and I get irritated, esp at night and so evey night I end up yelling at him. and my yelling is bullying. he can't just stop being emotional. but I could take some steps to be less irritable. shall do deep breathing at night at 7pm thereabouts. and some stretching. maybe change to evening yoga.

5. akshaya. health. school. mental wellness. you know that story. just praying. 

6. aishu and her litany of excuses to get put of gym class is exhausting too. 

okay I need to bathe abs get ready. 

two things the kids told me that have made an impact 

1. ashwin: even if you thought it was your fault I was crying why would you yell at me like that? 

2. aishu: you dont believe us until we cry and then you scold us for crying. there's no way to win with you in a scolding. 

I have to be different. rest more breathe more so I can be a better parent. God please help me