Saturday, September 2, 2023

turning 45

I turn 45 tomorrow 
and I have no joy
only dread of what the morrow brings 
I have one sick child 
and if anything happens to her
I'll want to die
but won't be able to
coz I have 2 other kids 

such dark thoughts 
I don't like her hand on my knee when i drive 
isn't that awful
and for one awful second 
I asked myself why I had 2 more kids
then I wouldn't have to care about then I could just care about her
such lousy lousy thoughts 

I know I don't mean them
but I also want to note that I thought them for a stupid fleeting second 
what this is doing to me

I am fragile 
liable to crumble anytime 
and when u do 
what is left 


and i realise
I had better grasp every moment that comes .my way 
for I can high and happy as never before 
and come crashing down the next second 
like there's a spiteful vengeful god who is keeping watch .ready to pull the rug from me anytime I dare be happy to much too long 

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