fear manifested

well
a hard question to ponder
have we arrived at THAT stage
you know how they say our worst fears tend to come true
like self-fulfilling prophesies?
I don't know if I have done myself in now
have I turned away a good man?
turned his love away from me I mean
through successful over planning and over nagging and having too much expectations
for scolding and expecting this to have no effect on him
for not mincing my words

I don't know.
possibly.
As i found out just recently
I make very many mistakes
some very big ones too
often by not rising to the challenge posed of me
lack of confidence and guts

mistakes at work is one thing
mistakes in life is another
Idon't want to make mistakes in both

my husband this morning said he felt neutral towards me
he didn't love me, he didn't hate me

that's worse for me. hate is a strong and extreme emotion
it can be turned by the winds and swing to love easily - I think
but neutral?
that's just indifferent
I do not matter to him

and sometimes I think now that I saw it coming
he says not to over-read into his comment
that he said it in a moment of anger

but I said the statement to which he was responding angrily yesterday night
after which we had an even longer discussion at 4 am

and then at 8.00 I ask if he loves me and he is neutral
could that be momentary?
he says his mind was on the moment yesterday about which he did not articulate his anger

I dunno

we should have a perogative to not take offence, to give the other person the benefit of the doubt

you know the fear I mentioned earlier
this is the fear of indifference
of staying married for the sake of the children or for the sake of being married
of there being no spark no love no romance
only business like discussions about the practicalities of living the marriage
of living with someone

why must I have this fear and then almost make it come true/

long ago, I feared falling in love with someone after I was attached
that fear lived played its games tied its knots did its due damage and left

and now this fear
how do I not let it take over me

what do I do?

prayer is one answer

I don't know what else.

building shared dreams, making shared plans?

I think I tend to put words into people's mouths, as in, they say something and I interpret it and adverstise it as something slightly but defintely different