Ups and downs

This morning I was feeling pretty cool about how I managed to do so many things this weekend. I was a bit big headed to be honest. And to counter that right  now I feel like I'm doing my best on all fronts and I just do enough.  Sigh. 

Let me feel good abut the weekend here before I forget. 

Sat morning 4 am. Woke up to work on the paper on school visits.

6 am onwards. Pongal prep. Some art work with ashwin in the middle. Cutting chopping buying dressing the kids. Then the prayers and lunch.

2pm onwards I started trying to rest most unsuccessfully.
3 to 4 pm went down to zoo moo room did English stuff with ashwin.  Some work.

Then slept like  a pig from 5 to I while rest of family went to a park.

Gave daughter dinner and put kids to bed.
Up again at 11 till 3.45 working on bloody paper.
Slept and woke up at 7.30. Set off for a walk at macritchie reservoir with kids and in laws.  2 hour  plus walk.
The  found engine died.
Walked in blazing sun to the bus stop. Got a bus home. Upper deck fun with kids. 
Then back to get car back.
Then lunch.
Then homework with akshaya
Then baked a cake with ashwin
Then surprise party for father in law.
In bed by 10
Up again at 3. Work on bloody paper till 6.30
Then work.

Sigh. Pretty cool right.
Finally submitted the paper. Now must correct the paper. And work on the crc prep.  It's all too much! And akshaya calls to ask why I'm not home yet.
.worked so hard to be with kids. And still I can't make them happy.  Son wanted me to take leave daughter wants me hi e early. Baby is down with fever may e over tired from yesterday. Mum makes me feel guilty about the long walk

Worked so hard on the paper and boss just wants to put it down . Telling myself not to get defensive.  Sigh
.bussing home now.

Okay update . I just met seetha aunty and girija aunty.  They are sad and maybe feeling like they didn't do enough for their sons.  They are not married see. And it strikes me. Gosh! The mommy guilt may never go away! I feel guilty now for not spending  time with kids for them falling sick. It's never going to end . Or it could if I stop it! I keep thinking I can fix this. This can be fixed but through my attitude not in trying forever to get an elusive goal.  I will never be able to satisfy my kids. And that should not be my goal. I should do stuff I feel is right. So I want to be there for the kids for my sake and I shall. I shan't beat musket up for coming home late on a few days and all. Yay