parenting is tough

parenting is tough. 

how does one react 

when blood courses thru your veins 

at the termity of a 10 year old who defies you

who continues walking away when you call him,

you see from his body language he hopes you think he hasn't heard you, until, finally unable to ignore the siren call,

he turns and shuffles towards you

what do you do when blood pounds in your head, as he tells you he pretended not to hear coz he was afraid you'd force him to walk with you , 

and worse that the rudeness is the fear that clouds you of a boy growing up to a young man who runs away from problems- 

so much depends upon how you correct him now you think 

and you take take advantage of the plane flying overhead, to yell your heart out at him, about how this is not okay, and for effect, you twist his hands roughly to say did you think I'd drag you for a walk like that, 

your mind calculating at this point - are you turning into a bully , you see the fear in his eyes and rather than tone down, you are tempted to yell harder, drunk with power,  for you know he hates public scenes. 

A thousand ideas float in your head, but the plane flies away and you stop with a last stern admonishment and go for your walk alone,

much faster than you would normally 

and as you do you worry about mental health and if you had harmed him for life and would he do the right things now out of fear and not understanding 

and as you walk further down the river 

you feel  he won, he got you mad enough to give in to emotions and what should you do, what should you do? 

After all he is 10 and you are 40. 

only one adult on this mix and it has to be you. 

parenting can suck. 

but you cool down over the walk and he has had fun playing soccer and both of you are pally again

and over dinner you talk about assumed constraints. an academic angle for an emotional problem..

all is well.