oh god

yesterday I really gave a tongue lashing to saro. 

he just sat there and received it

not sure how this may change things between us 

background 

1. akshaya had blood in stools again. 

2. he had gone as planned to a temple meeting. 

3. by 10, 11, 1130 he was still not home, no calls

4. my parents came to see us around 8.30 and stayed till 9.30 just for me to hold on to them. I didn't want to let my dad's hand go. didn't want his hug to end. I needed support more than I knew. 

so with this background 

I said these things amongst others to him 

1. he can't be bothered to come home by bed time or call. no matter how many times this is said

2. even today when she was sick he thought it nec to go for that meetingz stay till the end and take the bus ans train home 

3. perhaps only parents and children can truly love one another. he and I are not blood related so maybe he can't be there to love me like he should 

4. I needed to be strong for the rest he was not there for me when I needed him

5. temples won't collapse if he doesn't turn up. but family.. either will collapse or learn to move on without him and he must be happy with either because he keeps doing this

6. he and I are on thin ice. its fragile. if he wants to go away he can just go and stay away but he keeps going and coming and making it so difficult 

7. my red lines are being home by bedtime or calling

8. he needs to ask himself if the meeting he went to was worth all this

9. and does he even know the use of the words "I need to go"

for me

I'm aghast he had the privilege of forgetting for awhile that she was ill

and also for me

I know he can't prioritise family or me ever. ever. I must live with this. 

I can. I will. 

on his part

he just said he deserved it and has no excuses

Well.