for all i know he may be dead
except I'm convinced wherever he is, God is protecting him.
the uncertainty of loss is unsettling, paralysing
makes me empathise with all those people with missing people and pets .
is there a reason for everything. its what I've been telling myself all my life
what if there is no reason. nothing. nada. nil. life just is. no reasons. and we make mistakes. and we live with the pain of these mistakes
does doing some good deeds make up for mistakes ? who knows. there is karma. so I earn some bad stuff for the bad stuff i do. like carelessly not closing the window with a beloved bird flying free. and maybe, hopefully I earn some good stuff too. like taking in the
bird the first place. and giving food to workers. and time with nephews . and picking up snails.
what do we get for investing our heart in things? perhaps nothing. intangible. love. pain. loss. guilt. we can't see these things. maybe they don't count.
I moan though. literally I'm moaning now.
maybe I earn nothing. we live in a void. we do things. we live with the consequences. that's it.
I wouldn't know what to do if I felt God had foresaken me though. I have to believe God loves me even now after I've done something so stupid, otherwise I wouldn't know what to do. he loves me unconditionally. that is what sustains me. call it faith , belief, superstition, desperation but I have to or I can't survive.
No comments:
Post a Comment