love lace lost

 

Dear God

 I can’t make sense of my feelings right now

Experience tells me this is normal, to be unsure, that worry and grief can take many forms

Do I grieve?

He is lost, not dead. I pray not dead.

I love him

He was a gift from you. And I was careless with him.

Forgive me.

I’ve been increasingly careless recently

1.       I wrote the name of the professor wrong TWICE. I noticed once and tried to retrieve, but did not even notice the 2^nd instance.  

2.       I got the day wrong when I sent the confirmation email –

a.       I keep taking things for granted and don’t give myself enough credit for having run earlier sessions well. Those times I was nervous and took care. Now I am taking it for granted and making numerous careless mistakes, expecting everyone around me to shrug it off.

3.       I thought there was no SAN number needed for FGDs – running on assumptions, lack of clear guidelines

4.       Did not check the book before asking saro to return it.  just sent him off to pick up a book with my card that would not work . even got upset that I had asked him for help. His irritation was right. My complacence was wrong

5.       I left the pot boiling the barley

6.       I broke a glass

7.       And today, I left the window open and love lace flew out

 

This is really a culmination of a pattern in carelessness that I must check.  I could have kept him safe and protected my kids hearts had I taken heed earlier.

 

_________

Dear God

Today, my heart is heavy

Knowing I have broken my babies’ hearts

It’s awful to carry that around, knowing that in another 5 min or less, they are going to be devastated

I’m not even there with them

They will be angry

They will be sad

They will lose trust in me

But mostly, they will be sad. Heart broken.

They loved him and I was careless with him

They are so extra extra careful with him

And I let him out with the window open

 

I feel I can’t forgive myself

Except that…

He flew! How he flew. Within a second he flew cross the road to the trees, wings flapping. Earlier in a few seconds, he rounded the block. It must have been very restricting for him to be in one small room all the time for 3 months. He was free before that and came down to the neighbour’s house because he was tired and hungry.

I could live with the fact / idea/ story/ myth/ lie that maybe he is happy flying free. And he can find himself food and keep himself dry and clean, and fly away from danger.

 

He can fly alright, thank goodness I never clipped his wings

He is feisty and pecky. Tries to fight the towel each time. He still has that spirit.

If he can just feed himself and find water himself, he might still be safe. Not sure what other birds there are in our trees. Not many hornbills, eagles, kites etc, thank goodness. Some crows. Lot of mynahs, pigeons, starlings, koels, golden orioles.

 

They are going to want to know if they can get another bird maybe, or another pet

I hope he comes back before we decide.

We might need to set a deadline for ourselves before deciding to move on.

At least till end of today, maybe end of the week?

I’m pretty heart broken myself – well not heart broken, but depressed. Worried. Sad. Feeling horribly down and bad. And thinking of my kids non stop.

Argh.

He’s told them. They are crying. He’s locked the room and is consoling them. My eldest is so sweet, trying to protect me in all this, but I don’t need protection. They should know the truth and be mad at me and give vent to their feelings.

I’ve done an awful awful thing.

I must go back and face up to them immediately after this, with some gifts to console them a bit perhaps. What can I get them. I suck at this. I can’t think of a single present that could make them feel any better. Maybe Pezzo Pizza. From nex or tiong bharu plaza. As a very minimum form of solace.

I bet saro is crying too. He’s a softie . It’s why I love him.

I just spoke to them.

Ashwin just said bye.

Aishu, in tears, wanted to know who had done it. Then if we tried to open cupboards or put on the TV to make him curious. I admitted I hadn’t. I hadn’t even thought of the tv to be honest. Later I thought of the cupboard. I should have woken up saro earlier, got him to open the grill. Then maybe open some cupboard = the gifts cupboard,

Later she told me tearfully that she didn’t care as much about him coming back as she did about him being safe

And if he was in another person’s house, could we still get him back.

And are there any dangerous birds around us

Ashwin has lit a lamp and is praying to God

 

God please hear our prayers, especially the prayers of the young ones, and send us our bird back. I’m so so sorry for having been careless with a gift of yours.