malar maybe or sutha
I'd like them to be here. don't want to talk about this to anyone on the phone
feel I'm making a big deal of nothing too
not sure how to talk about it.l
let's try
the other day it was my wedding anniversary. .kids were having a sleepover at cousins place.quite last minute we decided to go out for dinner
he went home in the small gap we had bought me flowers and bothered to dress up.we went to Clark Quay had dinner at Vietnamese place.
vietnam holds special memories for us it was like a second honeymoon destination.
food was so so but evening was good. came home had a good time about to sleep at 1145
I felt so close to him.then he asked me if he could go meet his friends to watch a cricket game.
in my mind the evening had been unexpectedly perfect.
I find out he had other plans. After me. I was not the end of his night but part of his night.
if I had been a little less self centred and more aware .I would have realised
he told me his friends were calling him to watch some cricket match but he said he couldn't come.
.if he had had no intention of going he would not have even mentioned this to me I guess. subconsciously he was of two minds to go there and be with me
I missed that
took things at face value.
and a minute before he told me he was thinking of going to see his friends had been thinking this is so perfect we should do this every year, send off the kids and enjoy our anniversary night together.
it was the timing that tore me up. for I felt a fool. putting so much value on this one night when I was one of many things for him. that's what it feels like.
I can't even talk to him because what can he do
he didn't go. he apologised. not much else he can do right.
the fact he even thought about going hurt me. what is he to do about that
he cannot help it that he has so much to do and for me that night he was all.
on my part there are some changes I'd like to see in him I guess.
one is to be fully present . if he is with me just be with me. leave his temple and his friends and work aside.
but wish I didn't have to say something as basic as this if I have to say this what does it say. he is not a kid. this is a 19 year old relationship. if he cannot put me first even for one night our anniversary night what is there left for me to say or feel
I can only accept and find a way to move on right
fuck
and it feels churlish to cry . he did so much else . doesn't all that count. how can one mistake take away all the good he has done all the good that he is.
and to make mistake is to be human. the very definition of human beings is that we make mistakes. and he felt bad already.
so now I need to know how I can leave the hurt behind and move. even now if I stop to think I feel like crying . what happens now. really at a loss.
now between us there feels like there is this thing in between again. large looming. allowing us to be fake but not really ourselves.
basically I've put up my guard again. don't want to get hurt again. how to be close with a guard in between
anyway guess the fact that one night was seeming special is already a warning sign. such nights should not be such a rarity. Once a year once in 2 years . its already in trouble. just we don't know it.
I want to be a mother first discharge my duties there with as little expectation as possible.
then I want to be a writer.
then a literature lover.
then a good daughter..
then a good friend
the other things .. all on the same next tier. sister. wife. boss. colleague. daughter in law. sister in law.
I am a student of literature.
I will find things I love for myself alone and lose myself in those
he will just be a pastime. a good to have.
khatam khatam..
but I am not happy
sigh
I am usually happy.
easier for me to see him as a parenting partner
I don't want to want him as a lover
I'm sick of that.
maybe a room mate. a friend.
wiwit is my fellow co parent really. not sure how I will manage next year when she leaves. hope kid are grown up enough to do things themselves.
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