No easy words
For this grandmother
Who evokes such different feelings
in different people
Maybe she is all and more
of the responses of those
who mourn her, miss her,
feel secret relief
She loved to pray,
thought of God at all times
before and after ungodly words she spewed
that tore through skin muscle ligament veins
to the very soul of those she lived with
She always had a smiling face
to greet people
but sat grim at home to greet family
ready to press them beneath her feet
She'd wish good things for loved ones overseas,
write in her book all their names everyday,
so devout so holy
then turn, fill the air with sulphrous words
curse the ones she lived with
for lacking consideration for her grace,
living to be disappointed
She'd never fail to have a cup of tea ready for one newphew
then berate the other mercilessly
for not offering her any food
The vulnerable ones in her shadow,
bore the brunt of the weight
of the cloak of decency
she shed upon entering home,
the dreaded battlefield
where she shredded the family
as commander in chief,
a heavy presence
waiting to be waited on
only ever unhappy and
and ever ready to show it
With whiplashes that slashed the air
she'd claim credit for everything begrudge the love others bestowed on them whom she scorned
Longing to be the centre of the world
she'd take offence at every turn
Helpless seeming, yet so cruel
she roasted those under her
lording over them to feel good
Smallest of small
who can only feel great
by thumbing others down
She showed this side to sum total 3
Who'd never be believed
Who would have to bear the taunt
That they must have behaved heinously
To provoke a saint,
the self she showed the world
So how do we mourn this being,
angel to the world
witch to the few,
compounded by the good death
she was granted -
speedy
painless almost
surrounded by loved ones,
ones who actually loved her
for she was angelic to these folk
whom she was visiting,
granted a beautiful service
air filled with prayer,
hallowed words that sounded hollow
to me who knows of her other side
and the three who had quivered under her wrath,
wondering if something was wrong with us?
Maybe all her prayers did help her
even if her words and actions cut
Maybe it was god looking out for the three and the son,
taking her away when she was away
so they could do their duty
more guest than host,
lifting a burden off their bent backs
freeing them after 14 years
cut the weight that broke their back
Maybe they were her safe space
to be her true self
and better them than the world
I'm glad her shadow didn't
fall on the blessed baby born 10 days later
and pray she is happy where she is now and can truly bless all
not just the few
and hope those who live on here
can feel no guilt,
just acceptance
that angels are devils too with some,
and they have permission to acknowledge their mixed feelings after her passing,
that it is okay to sigh relief
that her ominous presence is lifted from their home forever,
Find themselves again
Unburdened
That maybe now
They can breathe
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