today I feel like crumpling

I feel like crumpling into a mess 

After seeing the doctors with you

But I guess it should be ok

to feel this way 

when my child is ill and in pain 

in unexplained ways

chronically wincing 

gasping 

for you, today is a  good day when

coz for 2 hours your pain was manageable 

I'm not sure how to do this- 

stay strong, cheerful, positive

 

it sucks

but I guess I'll learn 

, 

darling 

I've been learning 

since before you were born

5 years in waiting, 

I learned patience and hope,

at temples and churches 

at wells and up mountains 

when you turned up inside me, 

a tiny heartbeat, just a seed

I learnt to carry a secret - 

that I had life growing, 

you actually growing inside me

8 months pregnant 

I attended a Halloween party,  

sat too near the band

it was so loud for you, 

you kicked my placenta out of shape

and I learned to rest, for you

when you popped out of me, 

all perfection 

I learned wonder like never before 

I only wanted to spend every minute with you,

Jealously guarding every act,

I even resented my mum 

changing your diapers! 

When you were 6 months old, 

and I rushed home from work,

I learnt love 

from the way you gurgled and gazed 

at my face

like I was the only thing that mattered 

When i breast fed you

I learned babies bite

and also that you learn fast- 

after one smack you never bit again

When you turned one 

I learned to organise themed parties-  the zoo, under the sea, stars, birds 

strawberry shortcake, princess Sophia 

art, Harry potter, Greek gods 

and most recently 

Taylor swift, 

from you I learned when it comes to parties 

I rock!

When you were two

I learned to miss you.

Leaving you at playschool

tore me in two

When you were 5, 6, 7, I learnt to see the world anew with you, read new books,

in fact I learned the Ramayana with you

at 10, I learnt fear when you went for your first major procedure 

then I learnt denial

at what a chronic condition meant

I learnt to cherish your pealing laugh

esp since I hear it much less often

it hasn't been all bad

I learned to be part of the phenomenon that is taylor swift

thanks to your love for her, I love her too

so yes, 

now 5 years later, 

you are still in pain

and I'm still 

learning 

with you